Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [live from Moline IL, 2002]

ahhh yes, the joys of internet piracy... well... the joys of piracy, aided by the internet i suppose. i managed to hookup with some message board friends on my boards [ major plug for... ROUNDONE.NET and MYGNRFORUM.COM ] and they were able to find me a copy of the show i attended this past fall. NOTHING is more killer than that. the first time i spun it; i got the same chills that i did from when i was standing there.. absouletly amazing. sure the quality of taping isnt great, and yeah its not even a video... but its just right.

expect a longer post on Valentines Day. i really dislike this day of the year.. but im now forced to be a part of it all... exams and preoccupations bind me to again witness the senselessness of solitude on a day so intent on love and adoration of another. the elusive 'another' which, will never be mine; and a day devoted to it. charming.

not much to say.. really ive wanted to get back to posting to this in an orderly manner again; but for time constraints i havent had any way to do so. lots going on, but really none of it is of much importance. atleast thats what i tell myself. surely, everything i do and say is important. in the grandscheme of the universe, i say things that move other people, that set actions in motion, that leave a plan that someone will one day follow. in the meantime, i feel like im walking in place, and talking to myself. its slow going. its a tough sell to make; getting excited about the future; which i wont ever see. its even more difficult to deal with the people of the present. never in my life have i seen a more lack-luster, and apathetic attitude towards anything. since my job revolves around the residence halls; i notice the RA's the most. its terrible. im doing things everyday, they never will know about; to make their job better, easier and more important--- and they cant manage to bring 1 kid to a meeting, once per month. pathetic. a meeting i sat through tonight had 8 residents present, with 12 RA's... of the 8 residents, 5 came from one floor and were only allowed one person to vote for the floor... in a meeting that represents the entire building and resdent community... 5 people had the authority to vote legitimately. pa-fucking-thetic. the RA's whine about being busy, and residents being too busy for it. its utter bullshit.. i walked 3 halls before and after that meeting and found atleast 5 per floor sitting in their rooms, doors open, watching tv. nothing to do; nowhere to go. not busy. to me its just a fundamental question of zero role modeling and intervention in the halls. but its not just here.. .unfortunately; as lousy as an RA crop that we have at iowa, the problem is pervasive into the rest of society at large here. and its spreading. its a cancer on the flanks of every human being in society...

everyone is complacent with the world they wrap themselves into; each feeding the monster within; more precious trinkets of self and of further lunacy. each day the hunger pains grow stronger, and we must fight them back; with equal strength, to force the ultimate in resolution... nothingness. non-action. no-decision. no consideration. as long as it doesnt steal that comfortable baby-blanket of dreams and sickly shit that we warm ourselves with each night. swaddle the spirit of the child, smothered in the body of the adult; with the paitence of neither. let us call these people: friends. yes, friends the very backbone, the essence of the existence of our innoculated state. with friends, we need no rationality; no ego; and no decisions... they make them for us. and we follow; biscut to mouth-- following the hand that feeds it... rather the hand that pumps at, and vigerously strokes at its length of flesh; massaging the ego that is inflated by its own presence. take our cues from the only place that could be more irresponsible than we could manage: from those around us, less responsible than ourselves. and oh, how sad it is, that i must refer to them as such... but really what else are they? we; as self-indulged humans, desire only to further wrap into our sense of self, as skewed as we can make it; and these friends can provide oh so many more layers that we are too lazy to add ourselves. we can trust wholly in them, to provide the reasons we wont; we can trust in them to make judgements on our behalf, and we cant trust in them to chase away all that may bring dissarray to our bassinet of self-delight... so then in our apathy, and indulgence in our self-indulgences; we let our 'friends' become our guardians. we can let our 'friends' ward off the evils of another person, that may dare encroach on our self-righteous filth. bring suffering and misery upon those with the truth of our plights; so that we may continue on with our ego-building masturbation of self-desire. let all those nay-sayers meet untimely death and ridicule for their stances; and let our 'friends' decide who they may be. oh to friendship! oh to apathy! oh to those too blind from the truth, to trust the judgement of 'friends'.

Bob Dylan - Dont Think Twice

" well it ain't no use, to sit and wonder why babe if you dont understand by now || and it ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe, it'll never do some how || when your rooster crows at the break of dawn; look out your window and ill be gone || youre the reason im a travelin' on; but dont think twice, its allright "

its allways a difficult life for me. people like to add complications to everything i do; question everything i say, and demand to know what i think... then ultimately hate my ideas, act against my wishes, and want to argue with or censor anything else i have to say. its a wonderful feeling being wanted; but not liked. especially by all of the masses at once. its so rewarding, that at the end of each day, i can return home to the insults, jests and spite from others. god i love it. each day, i get even more reason to piss people off, and even more free reign to do it... you all open the gates, and in your actions; you justify my own. but. i dont dwell on this. i leave that for you all. i do my work each day, and i move on to the next. i admit to my faults, and my mistakes; and move past them. so stop watching for me out there; out in the realm of evil and vile perpetuate, ill be moving on as well as i can.

" ain't no use in a turnin' on your light babe, the light i never knowed || and it ain't no use in turnin' on your light babe, cuz im on the dark side of the road || but i wish there was something you could do or say; to try and make me change my mind and stay || but we never did much talkin' anyway... dont think twice, its allright "

some people appearantly think that, that alone is enough for me to change everything i do. not so. it motivates me to keep going. some day ill stop. some day, you all will wear me down so far, that i become nothing less than a nub of the honed point that i once was. and then, in my days of soft and unfocused actions; youll get your wish from me. smile then, all of you, on that day when i finally die, you will be free of me once more. until then, im sure your thoughts are not likely to linger far from that great hope, that lies just over the horizon.

" oh there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; like you never done before || an there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; i cant hear ya anymore || im a thinkin and a wondering; wondering down the road || i once loved the woman; a child i am told || id give her my heart, but she wanted my soul... dont think twice, its allright "

so you may be asking yourself, why is he all pissed off? to be quite honest i really dont know. its just a feeling i have right now. the feeling of utter contempt from those around me, abandonment, disillusionment, and disatisfaction... all rolled up in one big bite. then its back for seconds. i dont really know why. just not too happy with life and everything at the moment. so far this semester, ive enjoyed two days where i was away from home less than 12 straight hours. it grates away at my nerves. like bad road rash, i keep picking at it, and scratching away my existence, thinking it will bring relief, and it does not. not that im surprised. just that its not the way id have hoped it would be. so many things are just upside down from what i would have guessed them to be. sorry if none of this is coherent. its not really meant to be. there is alot running around in my mind now. its tough enough for me to make any sense of it, i can hardly imagine anyone else being able to do it.

" so long honey-babe; where im bound, i cant tell || goodbye is too good a word babe, so i just say fair thee well || i aint a sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better, but i dont mind || instead you just wasted my precious time, but dont think twice, because its allright "

there was a night, not long ago, where i just could not sleep. i knew, that at 4am, i just wasnt going to fall asleep... even if, it would matter, id have to be up in less than 2 hours. so i just layed there. and i thought. i thought alot about what its like to be alone, to be hopeless, and to be defeated; i thought about why none of that applied to me. and then i thought about why alot of that did apply to me. i thought, to myself, why was it i can never gain much security in the things i want most from life? i couldnt think of an answer. i couldnt think of why people avoid me. i couldnt find any reason or fault for why id be singled out and left behind. i couldnt find the reasons that friends would use language of a cruel and spitefilled nature towards me. i couldnt find a reason why all throughout my past, ive been rejected just for offering myself; no gimicks, no prizes, only me. i tried to think like i was you'all. i tried to sit, and find some sense to what you all do... to why you say things the way you do... to why you change your attitudes towards me... but i couldnt do it. i couldnt grasp the very essence of the question--- i couldnt get past the Why stage. i tried to think up all the reasons that some of you use to create different faces for me. at one moment your even, respectable and genuine. at others you are nothing of even a shadow of whom i know. and sometimes that takes minutes, and sometimes that takes months. i still cant get over the Whys. i lied, starring out the window, frosted over, looking into the darkness of the building across the street, through the leafless tree in the yard. i saw the tree stripped of everything colorfull. i saw the branches bare and gnarled, and the ground baren underneath it. i saw myself standing outside; gone were my colorful expressions and goodnature. baren were the branches of my friendship and companionship. stipped naked in the cold, dark land, i stood, only able to shake my hands at the faces, like mine, that must be staring out at me. no more sounds. no more protesting. all of it dropped now. like the leaves on the ground; my resistence too had fallen away to the slings and jests of those around me. those precious pieces of my, were nothing but crumpled aspirations, tarnished from the elements, ground under your feet... all of which in my plain sight; all of which i watched happen. i looked away from the window. i looked out past it. out to the cold pavement, the coolness and smooth texture, illuminated under the street lamp from the corner. i traced its path, from left to right; from past to present; and i saw on it, the path of my life. alone and cold, there was one man on the corner, he was moving away from the light-- but his back was not to me. no, he faced the windows into the world around; and stood broad stanced towards the faces that must look out to mock him. but he moved farther from the light. i watched him walk. his pace slow and uneven. large steps and short steps, heavy ones and light; but he moved on. far from my sight, and far away from those that must surely see him out there, all alone. by himself. moving to his future. it was as empty as the streets he walked at night; and thats how i felt when i thought that night. thats how it all seemed to be. thats how its all come to be. that is how you all leave me be.

Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Mountain of Blues

its been a while. its been a long while. by the calendar, its been only about a week, but in my mind and my life its been about a month. life moves fast now. now that everything is in hurry up mode. going to class isnt enough, gotta study too. office hours arent enough, gotta live at the office. makes for very long days. in fact the past week has shown me 4 consecutive 12-hour plus days... today being in the neighborhood of 15 hours. its not right. its not fair. but its how it is. i found myself dreading it, eventhough i knew the time was comming for all of this, but i still couldnt do anything about it. so here i am. tried, frazzled, frustrated. and looking at less than 6 hours sleep, before im on again for another 15. i really wish i could be one of those people that dont do anything. i wish i could be lazy and worthless, and not make it out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. for me now, i dont see the sun. im up and gone before its totally light outside, and home long, long after dark. it really mashes the days together that way... when you never see the daylight. when you cant really tell that today is different than yesterday, other than you think it is... according to the calendar atleast.

tonight is not really a good time for me to be writing in this .. i really do need to finish up on homework and get some sleep. but lately ive wanted to talk about somethings, that i just really cant. i wanted to talk about changes. i wanted to talk about the changes in people that ive noticed of late. ive wanted to, for quite some time, just speak a peace about their lack of peace. but i dont really have the words to day any of it. i guess im confused by it all, and a little taken back. one person, for example, whom a year ago, would have done anything but 'go out' is now at a bar, drinking the night away it seems. i knew it would claim another person, thats not the point. just that it was them. i dont understand why. i dont understand the changes that must be present in them to make that kind of flip in attitude and action. its depressing. and i cant help but feel guilty about it in some minor way. i can remember a conversation with another person about how, to me, they would seem to be the type of person that would relish in bar-ho activity, out of the interest in the attraction of others. they were pretty angry that i said that. but now. now they are one. now they are no different than the rest, only spared the anger im sure.. it was sent my way some time ago.

it must be hell to do that to yourself. to collapse upon all morals and descency and selfinterest; to sell it all out for attention from others, in destructive ways. people want to be known for whom they are. now they are known by a reputation, or an outfit they wear. people want to be loved and respected as individuals, and now theyve allowed themself to become one with the mass of destitute souls, interested, appearntly, in only the kind of love that doesnt need names, and lasts only one night. changes are all around us everyday, and its not that we are complacent to them. i question them. i dislike them. i wonder about them. but all of that really means nothing. just like the ideas we may once have held... the ones that we were willing to wash away with the lipstick on ourface from the night before... or flush down the proverbial shitter, as they flush away the contraceptives in the litteral shitter. they let it all mean nothing, when it means so much. they are content to settle for the immature desires of the flesh, and cry themselves to sleep in the nights of their agony, when they realize the futility of the dreams they really seek. its much easier that way. its much easier to look like all the other girls i guess. its much easier to sleep around like they do. its much easier to draw the attention from equally scandalous males, like all the other girls. its much easier to cry about your sense of identity and self that way. its much easier when you create the reasons for your misery. its much easier to make that change, than to live the alternative i suppose.

what was once nutured is now abandoned. i reallize my mistakes, and now you all can let me regret them as well. what do i mean? i mean i saw the people that were around me. i surrounded myself with them, because of who they were. and now, thats all they are... nothing more than who they were, standing, walking, talking, shadows that live in my mind. people who had genuine uniqeness and character unto themselves, now are devoid that. they chose it their way, they chose it the same way everyone else did. and it saddens me very much to watch it happen. one act here, one night there... now its twice per weekend... now its weekends and schoolnights... first its attitude, and then it was belief structure... and now? now the motivation is acceptance. acceptance into the one culture where someone as unique as them can be devoured into a group that values only similarity. a group that allows them to waste away into acceptance, and wash away the sins of individuality and maturity. let them brandish the scars of fleshy desires and tripe behavior in a secluded world of recluses... all gathered in one place... all gathered for each other's support. without that their identity's would shatter; if they couldnt support each other. if they couldnt gratify each other in an explicit nature. changes.

Current Musical Selection: Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)


STUPID SCHOOL
first week of classes... cant you just feel the excitement? not i. i havent even bought books for most of them yet. only for one class where we've had to be doing work in it so far. ill get to it at some point im sure. for now i just cant get too motivated about it. which is kinda ironic in a sense, because i have yet to skip a class... yes, its only the first week; but i like to start my habits early... never give the TA a chance to learn my name, so they never notice when im gone or not-- thats my method. it will happen soon enough tho. these classes are pains in the ass, lots of requirements to fill, and lots of busybullshit work to do for it. not looking forward to it. maybe one positive or two in them, Holstein is really cool. id allways heard alot about him from other students, but man.. he is very engaging. he lectures much the same that i probably would, and hits on issues and subjects that arent necessarily directly at hand. he spent 35 minutes, talking on the layered irony of the story of the serpent tempting Even in the Garden of Eden. he has an interesting read on things. very different than say... Steinberg. the vietnam class i was hoping to take as my fun class allready has me getting pissed off.... its not about the amount of work, its about the lecturing he does. several things had me hitting the desk and taking notes--- not for remember, but to look up counter examples of why his take isnt necessarily correct. frustrating. every semester i seem to find one teacher that does that. first it was Keith Driver in rhetoric, then it was Sarah Hanley in history, then it was Celestna Albonetti in stats, then Louis Gonzalez with environmental shit. this time its Allen Steinberg, with world and vietnam history. im dreading writing the papers for it now. ill never get the chance to write about what i think happened, ill be too busy spending my space refuting everything he throws out of his mouth. more frustation. thats really what i need more of in my life.

'POENAS DARE'
people arent much better. they like to toss complication on the fire, as if it needed more fuel to burn. i just try not to let it all get to me. its not that i dont see it, or dont care, its just i have to keep myself from caring about it all. im quite sure by now, that everything is intentional... everyone infact, does everything they ever do because they want to, and because thats what they want to happen. i dont buy the subconcious driven argument for most of this stuff. it just wouldnt come into play in most of these circumstances; instead, its a conceited and focused effort to do what they do. and i hope i never degenerate to what they do. when maybe my pure joy in life, or sole method of confronting life, was to ignore it. when my way of coping with people around me, is to hate them. i hope i never decided to totally shut off the world around me; that is actively seeking my attention and companionship. the man on the street corner i can, and will ignore, but the man next to me, who is trying to extend the frienship of one to another, i hope i never will turn away from; much as these people do. instead, its the simplest and most carring and compasionate of responses to accept his offer, and return the gesture [if need be]. but it is not as i would do. people are not as i would think. oddly, im the one labeled harshly for efforts of unnoticed activity. those efforts, never seen for what they are, ironically, are returned with overt actions of chiding nature, of snobbishness, of childish tantrums, and simple ignorance of the fact. it is the way in which i live my life, that i notice more so, the way others live their own lives. by no stretch of the imagination am i reincarnation of saint-hood or of moral correctness. i do though, exhibit the things in life of which i most believe in. but, it is i that suffers for each act that i do. each deed that i enter into, and each word that i speak; i am repaid with the debts of others moral fortitude. i seek the best in people, and am offered the worst for what i do in return. offer a gift: receive no thanks. remind someone of your honesty: they will lie to you. seek out those to enjoy special days with you: they will abandon yours and encourage you to partake in another's. the price of love is hatred and despise. speech is met with silence, homage and respect are met with despair and relent. and so i let it go. let them continue on their way, and let them do it without me.

AWARENESS
the past few days brought some especially interesting events. i guess its about being aware, and maybe i really havent been so much. a friend of mine from my freshman year here just had his father pass away. i had no idea. he and i were even in a class together this past semester, and he never mentioned anything about it. he didnt let on to anything else either... its sad. i know him, and his sister, and really he was one of the first people i met on my floor; he sits next to me in class, we make idle chat; but i never had any idea about what happened to him and his life. i never had any idea. and if i hadnt stopped to talk to him on my way through to eat dinner one night, i guess i might not have ever found out. its all really odd, how well you know people, but you dont. its about being aware of things that arent there, to beable to know whats going on. to see fully what the picture is showing, without being there to see it.

s.

Current Musical Selection: 'Mississippi' John Hurt - Spike Driver Blues

well another semester is about to begin... i cant say im excited in the least. more work. more headaches. more professors. classes start for me at 8am tomorrow morning... and here it is at 11:15, and im not even tired.. sleeping will be difficult tonight. so many things to think about and so many things i shouldnt think about. shit from last semester is still carrying over [of course] and future things havent even hit the radar yet. its going to be a long semester.

s.

so it happened. tonight was really the meltdown ive been expecting to hear for quite a long time. it was over grades, school, and the future. it wasnt good. they arent wrong. but i didnt get much time to talk about it, once everything was put out in the open. i had to show them my cumulative GPA, my course grades from all my classes, plus tell them everything about my stats/law class situations. again, it wasnt good. its been along time since ive taken school seriously; ive been able to breeze by in everything with such minimal work, that its not funny. this past semester was different in my mind; i think i had the most grueling schedule of work due in one weeks time, that ive ever had; which i did, and didnt miss one class doing it. but that doesnt show them anything. to them, that meant i was a procrastinator; a liar; and that i wasnt competent enough to take care of projects as they came up... not that i lived through it, and succeeded. instead, they yelled alot. i yelled alot. it went back and forth for a while about stuff like next year, this year, last year, future years. i was threatened with being yanked, right now, between semesters. i was also told i will be getting no assitance and no aid next year, whatsoever from them. and that was the best i could have hopped to hear. they mentioned the T word several times [transfer] as well as me pursuing a new major. neither of which are particularly feasable at this point in time; but that didnt matter. to the point that they will be requesting transcript copies if i wont. all over a few bad grades.

my performance hasnt been steller. but im not a flunkout either. my gpa isnt golden, and its below what id like... no amount of tears, yelling, or even hard-work will bring it back up to where id like it at this point. i never realized how difficult it was to recover from B's, with a couple F's thrown in... damn near impossible. the equal number of A's i had didnt help, and the C's of the past year or so have pulled it down farther. im still passing. i still have credit for everything. im not on probation or anything. but its not good enough. im by no means a faliure or a terrible student, but... thats tough to argue against the way it all went down. so now im here. im pretty broken in spirt, mad at myself, mad at my proffessors. and its not going to help anything. my grades will likely keep me out of the consideration of any tier1 law program, and likely now to push me out of any tier2 program, barring a killer LSAT score. so im not sure whats next. if i make it through all of this. i knew what i wanted to do with my life; but everyone says its not possible now. besides, my department chair of sociology laughed at the proffession i wanted... even when i held back my anger as long as possible, and asked her how a proffesion like that is something to mock, or something less than what hers is, sitting around in sheltered walls of academia... she sneered at me. i dont really have alot to think about now. the past wasnt so great. the present is pretty bad, and honestly: the future isnt looking good.


First Citizen:
Come, come, we fear the worst; all shall be well.

Third Citizen:
When clouds appear, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, the winter is at hand;
When the sun sets, who doth not look for night?
Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.
All may be well; but, if God sort it so,
'Tis more than we deserve, or I expect.

Second Citizen:
Truly, the souls of men are full of dread:
Ye cannot reason almost with a man
That looks not heavily and full of fear.
From Act II of Richard III

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Fueled

kick start and turn it over || punch drunk, but im still sober || 14 years, a whole lot bolder || and I don’t flinch || hungry and ill take the best || cuz I never wanted anything less || what doesn’t kill makes me stronger || its like a war inside me, action is all I know || tell me its suicide? Tell me something I don’t already know!

A lot going one right now. Not a lot I guess I want to talk about. Kinda strange huh? I tend to put down a lot of that kind of thing here, but I just don’t feel right in it. Just a lot of questioning and second-guessing going on with me. I'm questioning a lot of what the hell I'm doing in life anymore, and its not easy. It's not easy when you have to sit and argue with yourself, alone at night, that you are doing the right thing with your life. It gets stale telling yourself that some shitt-yass silver lining is in all this for you. It gets hard motivating yourself to get up and keep walking into day after day of complete fucking bullcrap. Tonight I don’t know if I won the argument. I think I only persevered because I was too tired to fight it… too tired to fight myself on it. Too many things wrong with it all, not enough going right. Someday I'm just going to give up on what I want, days like today speed that process along. Its not every day I feel this pathetic, just today. Just today that I feel shortchanged, trampled and cast-aside, all prematurely. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what the answers are, and I don’t even know what the problem is… it just isn't working out like I want it to…

s.

letting the rage continue to build.

rest of long ass thoughts will continue after my birthday. for my birthday, im content just to get phone calls and cheesy emails from people. gifts arent necessary, nor is money, just thought.

knowing that no one would buy it for me, i purchased the new In Flames cd.... Reroute to Remain... all i can say is the rage continues to build. every album these guys have gotten better, and found their own niche in the metal realm. sure, there isnt much demand in this age of 'nu-mehtal' [as they call it] for something like what they do, but god dammit, they are the best thing to come from sweeden since the envoys of bikini teams.

" you stole my pure intentions, you are the sickness in between. i'll bury the pain you taught me. to be sad as you almost made me take it all. let me in, ill bury the pain. you bend me and you shake me, you beg me then you break me. let me in, ill bury the pain you made me feel. like a sinner, now you feel youll die alone. let me in, ill bury the pain. the sickness that you are; a plague that made me starve; do you think you can show me how ive come this far? i feel its taking over and everything falls dark. break me open, the desparate cry. "
-- Anders Frieden; Metaphor

for now, let the darkness descend; let the shroud coneal, and the rage continues to build...

INTERLUDE

i hate this university so very much. the longer im here, the worse it gets to me. this semester, i had 3 teachers decide to fuck me on final grades. Marcella David, Stephen Wieting, its unfortunate its against the law for me to kill you; and Ken Kuntz, thanks for letting that curve hurt my grade.

i was banking on a B in my bible class; with kind of bad quiz scores, but an A on my paper, and and easy final, i was thinking it was going to happen; instead, im curved down to the C+, that hurts.... Marcella just decides to withold hold my law grade, for whatever reasons she might have; i still hate her. Then theres Wieting. Dickface, you need your teeth kicked in by a shit covered boot. I get a B on your midterm; you pull the final exam straight from hell, and then apperantly fail me on my research for the class; to give me a D... and in a majors class, that means NO CREDIT for the course... absolute assholes. i have 99 credit hours to my name; because of greasy, stained fuck holes like you; you keep me from graduating. because of your shitfuckingtastic foregin language requirements, ill never get to graduate; but now you all decide to band together, and rip my fucking grades out from under me. way to go. bravo. im impressed at your ability to work together. ive never seen so many pieces of limp, stinking shit mold together to do anything like that. it must just warm your hearts at night to sit and fuck over someone like me. someone that detests you and your pathetic attempts at academic pursuits; someone like me that loathes the social stature you have gained in your sheltered university positions; and someone like me that feels none of my true talents are ever reflected in your greasy palm-printed grade sheets.

fuck it straight up your asses. ring those grubby hands together, and warm in your delight; then shove them straight into your ass and milk your colon some more. delight in the splendor of your putrid brown juices, behold their color and viscoscity, and devour each golden drop. dont let your own selfrigheous pursuits keep you from enjoying the spoils of your 'work' that have nourished a body like yours; reward your self with all that is fit for you to sup on; so dine on your spectacular juices. let the odor of your royalty seep back into the stomachs of your kind that rot upon themselves from the very core of their existence. smile, and lick it all from your fingers... every last morsel of success that seeks refuge in your blistered and cracked anus. mash together those crumbs and make them a juicy slury; of creamy mocha consistency, and let it run down your face as you force feed yourself, more of your grotesque and disgusting bullshit; one more mouthful at a time. sit in your flock on the hill. marvel at it all. the wonder, the fury, the vivacity that you all have for feeding yourselves it. tongue down in it; wallow in its stench; and become what i see you all for. nothing lets me vanquish the feelings i have for you now; nothing but gravestones laden in fresh steaming piles defication would bring a smile to my face to hear your names again; i hate you all, very deeply, and in a very real sense.

End of the Year Report - installment I

Well its not really a report I suppose, its more of a summation of everything that has happened to me in the past year or so. This has taken me several hours and repeated instances to create, so bear with me for the next few days of text to follow [that is if you read as slowly as a blind illiterate whale]. While attempting to record what happened to me this year, it became difficult for me to try and find a suitable method of arranging my thoughts. There probably exists no great way to do this... so its all going to be jumbly and thrown up here by topic.

WORK
ARH is work. I think in one year's time I've learned this lesson better than many of my contemporaries have. To be able to make the job what it is, requires alot, ALOT of time and dedication to what you are doing. Everything requires extra effort and outside/off the clock attention. Secondly, its got to be treated as work. Everything requires the attitude of work, you can't let anything slide by, a second pitfall that people let themselves fall for. thinking that the organization is anything else than a job, is blasphemous. People depend on you, and look to you and what you do everyday, not as friends, but as contemporaries; as co-workers. To go home and be friends or friendly with them is a separate skill off the clock, but on the clock it cant be done any other way.

im also presupposing that what i do, you can actually call work. in the minds of the accounts and the students, its not a job- its just an elected position with a stipend pay. hell most of the students couldn't even tell you what or where their hall government was; let alone me. But in alot of respects thats changing; and its going to keep changing during the next year until i leave. ive heard from so many sources that my work is actually getting noticed: i dont know by whom; but that what ive done isn't going unnoticed like the past several years had. i think students are starting to recognize some of the things that they see, and they are definitely becoming more comfortable---but thats only the kids that i see; the goal for the organization for next year has to be to include more people; and to find a way to start this process earlier on...

but again; if you can call it work, and i think that it can be, then it definetly is. ive learned more about the inner workings and the casting call of the important people in this University in a years time, than i think much of the faculty could learn in a decade. i really should value what ive got more than i do. alot of people look at you funny when you tell them you are on a first name basis with the president of the university. even more look funnier at you when you tell them you meet on a regular basis; and your only a student like they are. its probably done something for me personally and professionally. i remember having a conversation last spring about this; and it being summed that my name was probably being used in conversations all over campus among the administrators... whether good or bad, i suppose it cant be that bad. maybe i haven't gained alot of top-shelf name recognition; but major players at the university are finally able to make a connection; and the connection im hoping to leave them with is to the kids in the halls; not to me. scott can wait; scott can always be seen for what he is, but its the position thats important. one of my fears will come up later in this coming year, when i finally have to give up and move on; without being a part of the hall government for once. im scared; not for myself; but for the organization. i think back to all the long nights; endless hours in the office; off the clock times; personal sacrifices and guarantees to back them all up with; to make the organization what it is now... and im scared because i dont see anyone worthy of inheriting it all. it scares me, because that means the past several years of my life, are going to get handed off to someone who will throw them aside, and tear down everything i worked for. i suppose its ironic that way really; i came into the system in about the worst setting imaginable; no competent people around me, no sense of direction from anyone, and i eventually rose my way up to the top post, and now im the one giving out the orders... i suppose its only fitting that it all be handed away to someone who probably knows little of the value of achievement associated with what they hold.

RELATIONSHIPS [of the romantic variety]
This is the one i probably most dread writing about, yet is the one that i probably have the most to speak on. Ive never been able to claim anything as a victory in this department. Even the times when i have, they weren't; they were just losses of lesser magnitude. My one major fault in all of this, is probably that i let myself believe that i can win; or that i have won in the past. Thinking like that usually creates alot of problems later on; which maybe im just beginning to realize now. So in that regard, if nothing else, the past year, and past several for the matter, have taught me little about relationships, and more about myself. Ive learned that i really have to be honest with myself over whats going on, if im to ever hope to have success in the future.

This year. Pretty much; a blank slate. I often joke that girls really do hate me; often as a method of laughing about the truth; and the truth is they do. Looking at the numbers, i came into the year with nothing, and at the time of penning this; ill leave with nothing. Nothing lost, but nothing gained. In between, i can also not claimed to have had anything. Noticing a trend yet? I did make efforts; several. if i remember correctly, i think i had a total of about 3 dates [by my judgement; likely zero by real world standards]. all three were friends, girls that ive know for several years; maybe that didn't help things. i guess all three probably were considering this to be a friendship type deal; so i shouldn't be let down when i dont get a kiss, or dreamy looks over dinner. Instead, two were badly plagued by problems... the other... well she just wanted to leave after awhile [oddly enough, once she found friends at the restaurant, she wasn't in a hurry to leave; only when i reappeared again, after paying the bill and waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes]. one decided to bring a friend with, unannounced. the other decided to cancel on me, and generally fuck up everything during the day of the date, so much tot he point that i was looking for excuses to leave. Neither went well. None of the three have since talked to me. Ok,so im bad with dating; guilty as charged i suppose. But, in my mind that doesn't warrant killing off friendships over it; especially not when you've known them longer, and better on those terms, than a marginally pitiful attempt at a date, by some lonely estranged man. But they have every right not to i guess; i suppose its coded in the Woman's Manual that way... every other relationship of similar nature has turned out the same way, why would these be any different? The answer is it shouldn't be... but i think it should have. I think, that because i tried, and because i kept these things separately, it should have come out differently. but it doesn't. it just make is all so more mundane for them. once again, for the 22nd year running; ive been seen by no one as something special, admirable, or attractive. just another person. its tough to think about it all that way; but how else can you? when i try to find the reasons why, they dont come to me. and when i try to prove myself wrong, i end up proving myself right. in example.... met a girl over a year ago, whom, in my mind became something more than a friend. yeah; maybe just a good friend... maybe just a really good looking friend... maybe just a good natured friend... and maybe she was jsut nothing at all. i never told her this; but after awhile; i started feeling myself slip down the same old paths... slip on the same comfortable shoes, and walk in familiar circles. Everything seemed very reminiscent of girls of old. Especially Jennifer. and with this girl; i started going down that path again.. not only did i start to believe that maybe i mattered [and i clearly dont!!!!], but i started to entertain the idea of loving again. maybe not love, per say, but loving... the action of, the expression of outwardly emotion in principle. i really felt like maybe this girl was something; maybe we had enough going, and maybe, just maybe, she thought so too. but ill never know. i never asked. i eluded to it; and got cold responses. i skirted the issue, even if i brought it up; and she never wanted to dance with me on it. it bugged me alot. i wanted to say something about it to her. it found its way into conversations and noticeable attitudinal changes with my friends, and it even bled its way over into my personal space here. Eventually it got to me. eventually i just wanted resolution to it all. she didnt. i could tell that she was, and still is, content not to have to hear me say anything like that to her. and thats frustrating. its frustrating to think that once again maybe you have found someone different than the rest, but it turns out to be just the same as ever... infact even more like before. its frustrating to feel like that all year, but thats pretty much how its felt. last year on my birthday; January 6th; i made my birthday wish that this year, i would actually find someone that would matter as much to me as i do to them. i doubt very much thats happened. and its not that i haven't met girls that meant something to me; its that i doubt very much that i mean anything to them. it comes out in the conversations you have; in the gestures they use, in the posture they hold, and the words they select. not once in my pitiful existence, have i ever felt that i was in a truly equitable relationship with a girl. even just trying to have friends has never really worked; it ends up that i always end up being too good of a friend for them; no matter how little i care; maybe its just the common decency i extend that prevents me from acting that way. but i can say that this year is no different. this year my one birthday wish never came true. it was actually something that i wrote down and carried with me in my wallet most of the year. i wanted to remember what i wanted; and id read that if you write down goals, they are much more likely to come true. what the hell i thought. it stayed there for quite sometime, up until the end of the school term. and by then, id had enough of reminding myself of it all. id had enough of being me. so i crumpled it up and left it in a desk drawer. it never left my mind though; it never was like i could forget what i wanted- because it still was what i wanted. so i spent the rest of the year trying. i tried, and i looked, and i searched in all the wrong places i suppose; even if i thought they were the right ones. and now, im almost back at that point in time, one year removed, when i made that wish for myself. and im wondering do i even have the will to try it again, against all the fucking shit its drug me through. if there really even is anyone out there that could possibly make good on my wishful thinking; and alot of times, i dont think so. so, it leaves me at an interesting position, how long should i have to go on waiting, until something happens? how long should i go on with nothing; wishing for something; but still not getting anything? im not sure if im going to make the same wish this year. i think i could end up being alot better off if id ask for money, or world peace or something like that; much better off than asking for something for myself like that.

i think in the last year, ive learned more about people than ive wanted to learn. ive learned that some of the most beautiful girls on the outside, really arent all that attractive on the inside. ive learned that some girls think they have everything figured out in life, but where they are. ive learned that girls always go for the short, stocky, short-bleached hair, with ear ring, business [or open] major, from Malones. the douche bag that knows less about the world than the calc class that hes failing. ive learned, that those are the guys that are attractive, the ones with no direction in life other than how to get to the house party. ive learned that the ones like me that want to be a bigger part of some girls life than they guy who bought her a drink; aren't attractive. ive learned that the sheer thought of picking me over one of them repulses alot of them. ive also learned that, no matter how i try, and no matter how much i may want something; its always going to be up to the other person involved. its always a question of 'he who cares the least, controls the most,' and i always am finding myself in the position of apparently caring more. its pretty unlike myself, i get alot of comments about how i dont care about things; but its not all true. i think i do care about alot of things; and apparently i care too much about some things, and about some people. i dont know, but i guess i wouldn't want it any other way really. people can go on about their way and never give me a second thought; although i may spend an hour thinking about just them. i give them their freedom i suppose, because i know they wouldn't like it reversed. i remain who i am and do as only i would do, because i doubt them to change if i would. so i suppose its pretty clear by now, that ive spent alot of time thinking about all of this. in the last few weeks, with friend-hookup week, plus with the constant pull of people into pairs over the entire year, its hard not to notice something like that. its hard to notice being alone, when everyone else seems to have someone else. its a lonely feeling. ill admit to that this time; that it does sometimes drag you down, near the point of depression. but its only from dwelling on it; so for that, i have no one to blame but myself. but as far as everything else; id like to think that its beyond my capabilities. i think in the past year, i tried to be much more outgoing when it came to females. i tried more, not for the romantic links, but for the friendship links; and even then i was found to be in error. its a totally different concept then keeping friends with males. even the girls who say they arent picky, or dont act like other girls, still do. its hard trying to keep up relationships of any sort with them; and its no wonder that its so difficult for me to gain any ground this way.

the next year kind of scares me in this regard. the longer i stay at Iowa in the capacity that i do, i think the longer im going to feel the way i do. not that moving or transferring is going to make much of difference, just that at this school, there exists a culture and a with it; a flare for the easy hookup. i just cant achieve that. when i mention im single; i get jeering words and puzzled looks. somehow people cant comprehend how its not possible to find someone here. i beg to differ, i cant seem to comprehend how anyone could find anyone here. ive tried. i do try. ive met some girls who, really would have liked to see things change with. there are times when i sit and think to myself, in a dark room, why did i say what i did? why can i find one spot, where i may have fucked it all up? its about the beautiful people, as Manson would sing. its about the beautiful girls finding the eqally nice looking males. its never about the ugly people like me, finding a beautiful girl like that, and i doubt it ever will be. thats why the upcoming year looks so grim on this horizon. im not happy. thats clear. i would like very much to fit in, and have a girl of my own. but i just dont see it happening for me. i dont see any girl thats willing to do that with me. even the ones that ive thought about, i cant see confining themselves to me. instead i see them bouncing around from person to person, for quite a while, before they settle for someone. for me, im more intent on settling. maybe not permanently, but i know i dont want a flighty bar-girl that wants to go out every weekend. i know that i want someone who has more substance than looks, but still is a looker to me. i guess i want to have a somewhat respectable relationship, or its not really worth doing. and maybe i fell short of my goal for this year; and maybe i didnt really meet any more people, or didnt meet the right one; maybe all i can say for myself is next year will be just as long as last year was.

[part II is comming in the next few days, as i finish it...]

s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Dead Horse

" sometimes it feels like im beatin a dead horse; and i dont know why youd be bringin me down; id like to think that our loves worth a tad more; it may sound funny, but youd think that by now id be smiiiiiilin; yeah well i guess something never change... "

well its christmas eve, more like christmas day as i write this.. its something after 2am; although the post time will show later. back on the laptop, in a nice dark room; warm bed, cold air around me. GnR blarin in my ears. what else could i ask for? really all the material possessions i could need are around me; my family is sleeping safely upstairs; all is well in the world [more or less i suppose].

today was interesting. logged some hours in church tonight at a midnight-service. didnt know it, but i was recruited to do some lay-readings. not that i mind doing that; its all rather fun for me, just that i objected at some of the stuff i had to read. for a "birth of the savior" theme, im not sure how some readings in Genesis [about Adam and Eve] and some from the covenent between Abraham and Yahweh had to do with tonights purpose, but i read them all the same. I even spared the congregation my thoughts on the passages: we covered Genesis in its entirety in the bible class this fall... so instead i read along, then read some dopey script for lighting the advent candles; correcting grammar on the fly. didnt throw me off a bit, until i looked out in the congregation. i was hardpressed to see more than 20 faces of the 300 seat facility that i knew. this is a church that i was raised in; minus one other that i was born into; but have been a member in for over fifteen years; didnt see many that i knew. worse yet, after the service, i was approached by people like i was a prospective member, or new to the church... funny assholes. i informed them ive been a member longer than they have. they looked at me funny. then i recited the previous few ministers. then they left. almost had to resort to showing off my name, which is scrawled in a classroom upstairs, that i did one sunday, about 10 years ago. i should have. i was walking in that direction to go see if if was still there when i bumped into a couple friends of mine from long, long ago. both are kids that i literally grew up with in that church. one i see every now and then; he goes to Iowa as well, the other; i havent seen in years. its funny talking to them now. to see how much people have changed, to see how they changed. thinking back and sharing memories over stuff that we all remember, when it was so long ago. its funny how maybe all the other stuff in my life may take controll of my brain most days, but it never truly pushes out memories like those... and appearantly its the same for them too.

theyve both grown up alot. the one especially. she got hot... H O T. interesting how that works. when i was a stupid kid, i never paid all that much attention to her then... sure, maybe id do something boy-ish to get her attention every now and then, but really the three of us were a group together and didnt need to do that; i never saw her as conquestable. instead, when a new girl joined the church later on [maybe 5th grade or so] my friend and i both went after her, never paying much attention to what was around us. lots of funny stupid memories from way back. i remember when she used to show me her training bra and stuff like that, and take great delight in giggling and showing off to me in dark corners of the church basement. i can remember being at church lock-ins with her and sleeping with her on the floor. even little things, like later in junior high, when wed get grabby with each other when wed play tag. man how id kill to do that kind of thing now... [my mind gets dirty when i feel old] she looks really differnt now. never would have imagined her looking that way all those years ago. never could have imagined her in makeup or shoes like that. it might not look like her, but shes still there. talking to her really made that appearant. maybe she thought the same thing about me. she kinda hesitated when i was standing there at first; she knew the other guy, but maybe wasnt sure who i was. after a few words, she knew. i could just watch her face and see it all click. she said the beard and the hair threw her, but she liked the beard. im sure she never would have imagined me looking the way i do now, all those years ago. its funny how people turn out.

its also funny when i sit and thinkg about what all has happened in all that time. everything has changed, everyone has changed. even the church building has changed. its hard to find the memories that you lock away in your head, when you cant seem to find the footsteps you had to retrace them. its difficult to remember where everything happened, nothings in the same place. i was looking out the field we used to play tag in between service and sunday school; and now its a parkinglot for the church. over beyond that used to be nothing but farm field and a broken down farm house. now its Golds Gym and a strip mall. across the street is where she and i would run to pick dandelions to blow apart in class as a distraction; now they are building a hospital there. even inside the church is different now. i can remember where he and i would sit in class and shoot rubberbands at each other under the table, and she would make up stupid answers to cover for us. that classroom is now part of the church's daycare program- something that didnt exist back then. even the sanctuary, where she and i would run and hid in during the church lock-ins, is now different and expanded. the cold tile under the pews where wed curl up together in one sleeping bag, is now carpeted, the pews are new too. the lighting is all different too. we couldnt hide in it very well now if we tried. everythings changed. everyone has changed. she seemed embarrased when i asked if she remembered some of it; but not in a bad way; more of a "ill remember something about you thats more embarrasing" sort of way. it was fun. but it had to end. she had a party to go to. he had something going, and i had family committments to return to. if but only for a few minutes, its was fun to be there with them again. it was fun to relive that old life once again.

ain't it fun~
s.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU LOYAL READERS!

Current Musical Selection: Boston - More Than A Feeling

Nostalgia is a wonderful thing. Im sitting here, typing in the near dark conditions; using technology from the early 1990s, listening to stereo sound technology from roughly the early 1980s, of songs recorded in the mid 1970s, while I take a break from reviewing my vinyl LP collection, which is quickly growing, of records that predate my parrents marriage. Ain't life grand?

For some reason I decided not to use my thousand-dollar pile of parts sitting next to me, and have decided to resort to using a laptop I aquired during my senior year of high school. Sure, its frustratingly slow, and the applications are so outdated its humorous [using Lotsus Notes, remember them?], and sure the hardware is comical... no Windows keys, no mouse... instead I get this funky proprietary track-ball contraption that hooks on. But it works. This 386 is humming along, burning up the pixels at a blinding speed of nearly 40mhz. Its all about nostalgia. My cd player, [rather than using my computer, as I usually do], I purchased somewhere in the early 1990s... cant remeber when really... i can date it pretty easily... The first cd I purchased was GnR's Use Your Illusion 2. But it was a year or so after it hit big... I did, however, wait in line to purchase the album on cassette when it came out. Anywho; the cd player is just churning out tunes from the mid 70s.... I havent listened to Boston in a while; although I've been in a sort of retro music phase of late. [one of the first things i did when i got home, was put on my newly aquired Deep Purple - Live in Tokyo album {{IN VINYL}} ]. So its just funny when you realize that everything that is technological in nature around you is not only vastly outdated, but its comforting for it to be that way; just for no other reason than to escape all the gadgets as they exist now. But the one thing i miss so far, is a standard sized keyboard and mouse... pluse that heaven-sent predictive text and error correction built into Word. Makes me wonder how I ever used to type before this! Really the only time I may even consider using something this basic for text entry would be for html. And about the time this particular machine was probably created, the commercial world realized something called; the internet. This crate was packaged before Internet Explorer was around.... hell back to when the world was contrainted to 8 character long file names. Kinda puts it in perspective, and it kind of doesnt. Lots of other technology may seem superior nowadays, but some of it still hangs on. Cars are a good example. For as efficient and safe as antilock brake systems are; the vast majority of cars on the road, and off the production lines are still using front disc, and rear drum confingurations... unless your a truck or something heavy duty... then its either all drum or some air-braking system... either way; weve been manufacturing cars, and stopping accidents with this same system for decades, and even though the technology supports a change, we cling to the past. Same thing with automatic transmissions. Eventhough they are in a majority of cars produced; manuals are still in great demand... infact some vehicles still dont even come with the option for automatic. Manual shifting damn-near pre-dates the car its self, and its likely to be here for a while to come. To me its interesting.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - Flashpoint

well my friends, its all come to an end, yet again. according to my calendar, we are shit out of days in this semester, and we can thankfully look forward to the new, and regretfully look back upon the old. i was trying to think of what to say about it all. couple people were pestering me about this semester, and how its all shaken out. im not sure. alot of things have come up and gone, some things never made the radar; and some stuff came out of left field and never went away. although ill write alot more on new years or so, about the entire year; i guess i can say somethings about this semester explicitly...

for one, i cant say much about my classes. i think ive had the worst attendance of any student in this university.. it was poor, even for my standards. somewhere around lmid/late october, the uselessness of it all hit me again. usually i can supress it enough to keep going infrequently; not this time. i stopped going mentally, if i did happen to wander in physically. its terrible of me. it kicked my ass in a few respects later on for it, but im most let down by how i can still slide by. sure, my GPA is crap... and getting worse, but i think i made it by again. nothing about these classes seemed to warrant my interest. not even the ones i picked as fun alternatives to class... even those got boring and laborious after a few weeks. nothing really that i wanted to spend my afternoons on. what did i? ARH. i sound like a fanatical madman, but i really think people never think twice to the amount of time ive logged in for it all, just this year= nevermind last year! if im not there, im thinking about it. if im not dealing with paper, someones talking to me about it. if its a day off, that means i can have 'fun' conversations with hall coordinators, students and staff. its depressing what my life has turned out to be; which is really nothing away from the organization. i owe it all to my sense of duty. it needs to be treated as a job; the organization needed the time and effort: it needed some respectability put back into it. maybe i havent done that; but ive tried. so many problems from previous years and boards; that this time was necessary. so i sacraficed that small part of me.... the part that is me. on my floor now i have bundles of paper, reams in size, all of articles and notes that need to be archived and sorted out. so much, that im loosing track of the piles... not the individual paper, but the piles! maybe it will all add up to something, to someone in the future.

people were a big change this semester. we started out the year with a plan, atleast all of us that live upstairs. we wanted it to be our tower, to have our group. we did that. for a while. after that it kinda fell apart. i dunno why. but it did. i doubt any of us would disagree about it. i guess, looking back on it all; it opened up the door for alot of other people to come in. several people int he 'group' now, werent around durring the original plotting sessions. but it was a definite change. also cant forget about the various hookups along the way, it was equally unexpected, yet undeiably destined to happen i suppose. but it all did change. me, myself? i met alot of people this year, been introduced to alot more; have several other people who i know can call friends. left alot of other people behind as well. somedays i really feel guilty for it. even if i just constrain it to the people that ive neglected just this semester. maybe i dont feel as guilty for that, as i do for sacrificing time with them/for them, and using it on other people. i think this semester brough alot of wasted time, wasted people into my life. lots of shit came up and became something that maybe wasnt deserving of my time, and i regret that. so if you are one of those people, that maybe i left off the hook... im sorry. really i am. if you happen to be one of the people i may waste my time on; dont make me feel that way. and for all the new arrivals and old friends; its been real. i guess ill leave it at that... i promise... a long, long, long introspective look come the end of the year. ive got alot of things to say about what its been. and i guess i see it as really being the end of the year, even though i have a few weeks to go. thats me being me, selling myself short, and cutting things off before they are done. two weeks can hold alot. in two weeks the entire wold can change; just a year ago we changed the world in a matter of minutes, and plastered it all over live tv for proof, so whos to say nothings going to change in the two weeks i have left? i do. i think the next couple of weeks is going to be me, lying low, doing nothing, sleeping in. i doubt anything will change. i guess, i dont want anything to change... i just want to make it through. just want to make it.

lifes been slow the past few days... hence no entries. its been a difficult time. for me, its all alot easier if i have things to pass the time with. when its slow, like it has been lately; everything just seem to drag on. when im idle; i sit on things alot more. i start thinking things out more [more than i usually do], and i start noticing little things that aggrivate me more, than when im busy enough not to notice it. the past week or so has seen like a month. that should tell you how bad its been. soper is probably right, it seems longer because we all spent alot of nights staying up, studying and doing exams. im no different; almost 3 days straight without sleep. then another 2 days solid for finals this week, and still never overcomp'd on my sleep. same schedule for the week, no naps, no nothing. that makes it go slow. time goes by very slow when your so tired of life; so tired of living in first gear. thats what it was like on sleep deprevation. first gear. everything is moving, the motor is just grinding away; your mind never stops thinking [because your making it do so], but everything seems slow... everything seems limited at about 15 miles per hour, no matter how hard you hit the gas pedal. yeah, i guess its like that. life just grinds along. days blur together, hours seem like days, cant even tell when a week passes... its too hard to count that long. it used to go fast. last year i remember having a conversation about it; about how fast time goes. one hall talk would last from midnight to breakfast; some IM conversations would go on so long as to break the program. its funny how things change like that, all within a semester.

as a minor programming note:::::::::::::::::::

ill be going home for break, now that classes are over. blog entries will probably be much less frequent because of it. if they are regular, then they will probably get posted all at once... so be warned. its not that nothings happening, or im neglecting my space. just dial-up sucks that bad. and so does using the family computer. relative to that; i will be around Davenport for nearly a month, so if anyone is in town, or is cutting through it, feel free to find me. likewise, i probably wont be on instant messenger alot. so, im sure some of you will go through withdrawl like i will; but in the event that you do; my cell phone is allways on. call me, or tell me to call you, thats all it takes. in the meantime; may God watch over us all:

and the Lord said; "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16.

an appropriate quote i picked up from my class this semester; until we all meet again

s.

Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - A Therapy For Pain

I welcome death with open arms
Her soft breath and simple charm
Wandering through memories
Takes my hand for me to see

Tried so hard
Tried so hard

Echoes of Innocence
Are my thoughts into dissent

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

When we finally reach the end
She lets go of my hand
Waking into realms of light
There will be no death tonight

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

--------------------

bad day doesnt suffice. i think i bombed 2 finals, that could end up being make-or break for me in both classes. one was 80% of the grade, the other was 25%... i think i did worse on the 25% one thank god. pisses me off the more i think about it. the exams werent fair, werent at all what i was expecting. and then it was just too much. no one should be forced to take a 4.5 hour essay exam, worth 80% of the final grade. its not right. cite everything my fucking ass. how are you supposed to cite "all applicable international law and treatise," its only a fucking intro course! she was living it up tho. she enjoyed watching me choke on it. really, she smilled when i looked up and slapped the paper back down in disgust. wieting wasnt much better. his pompous old fartself chuckled when kids started groaning. he didnt say anything when i realized id forgotten my calculator [on a math exam]; so i got the pleasure of doing 7 digit long division and 3 digit odd-number square roots all by hand. addition and subtraction is usually pushing the envelope for me. i fucking hate them both. they made exams that, even when i studied for them, i wasnt prepared for it. no to mention, i started at 8am this morning, was supposed to go to 12:30 with the law exam; but oh no; i have my stats exam at noon. upstairs boyd is an easy 20 minute walk from upstairs seashore. so either i stay on with the law exam, and be an HOUR LATE to stats [in a 2 hour exam slot], or i skip out of the law exam early, to make it to stats. i had to do the latter. i couldnt take the bullshit anymore. when i got to stats it was horseshit. i forced myself to think the change of scenery made all the difference; but it didnt. after i threw my exam back at wieting and stomped out, i spent the afternoon pissed off in my room... sleep deprived, angry, and now with shit horrible grades in classes that arent offered next semester for me to even repeat if i wanted to. not that id want a course by either of those pricks again. just there werent any options. punching the concrete wall in the dark for an hour straight was about all i could do to keep from loosing it. parents didnt say much. "im sure you didnt do that bad honey,"-mom "well i guess you should have stopped screwing around and studied" what are they supposed to say tho. maybe its my fault, but id like to think it wasnt. i wasnt AS prepared as i could have been. but then again, when the hell did i ever get the chance to do any studying. 2 massive finals on the same day, that overlap, that both required major papers 3 days before the exam to be done, on top of all the other shit that had to be done on deadline day, not to mention having other finals to study for. god forbid id like time to myself. so fuck it. i dont think im ever going to graduate from this shit hole. i hate this school. i hate my major. i hate the faculty. i hate the ciriculm. i hate the values. i hate the norms. i hate the students. i dont even know why im still here anymore, with days like today.

not like fuck else has really gone right in my life the past few weeks. nothing is more annoying than every last motherfucking friend you have, hooking up with everyone else. its absolutely incredible the depths of hatred someone has for me to do this to me. not only immerse me face first in shit, but then pack it around real tight. make sure to include every person i associate with, and just do it all at once. let them rub it in too. nothings better than rubbing cold fucking shit in someones face. lets fucking parade ourselves around; lets be happy because there is a 'we' for you. fuck them. fuck all of that shit. everyday i grow harder. the longer i have to deal with the constent shit like this, the less likely im ever going to be to change my ways, and its aggrivating. its aggrivating to have tables of people to eat with, to litterally one last person. so called friends dont even bother to inform me about dinner, they just off and leave [oh, maybe you all figure i just stopped eating] doesnt matter; i dont care. fuck you all. common, god damn descency between individuals is all i ask. i dont think theres ever been a night where if someone wasnt with us for a meal, i didn ask why, or go find them. never the same curteousy extended, never. ill wait an hour for people to come back from class, so they have someone to eat with... but it allways comes back to "scott who?" when you all have your turn. i dont get it. i also dont understand how all this inter-god damn-group fucking seems to change everything for us overnight. litterally, plans some of us have had for months, are now changed for these people... people we didnt even know 4 months ago; people that maybe in my mind, i still dont care to know. everything is tainted by the stench of incestual group courtship. it stinks of it. people dont even realize it i suppose. why would they, every last fucking one of them is happy. every last one of them has someone else. "aww sad" lets not think about who doesnt get picked. once all this shit started, i knew it wouldnt be good. people ive known for years, i dont even see anymore. i see the 'others', people ive known for maybe 2 weeks, more than the people ive known for years. and you guessed it, they have more importance, rank higher, and appear to be better company to replace me with. i guess thats fine. thats how you all want it. so dont bother whining about it to me, when you all fuck each others asses and windup covered in your own sickly shit stains. i wont listen. i wont be there to clean up the mess. i will not deal with it.

while im good and pissed, let me dedicate some other things: lots of people dont know how to have proper edicate in friendships. its proper to thank someone that does something for you. its common to say, "gee thanks" when someone gives you something. nah. im wrong again. that must be scott's rules... and the rule is scott who?, right? so that means; dont answer the person that talks to you, or that does an occasional nice thing for you. infact, just dont answer them ever. blow them off if they talk to you, yeah, just be guttless and do it that way. dont respect people. thats new rule 2. besides, you cant be snide to someone you respect. you cant wish them away if you respect their comments. and you certainly cant just ignore them, if you respect them as a person. better yet. if someone decides to suggest they care about you; dont listen to it. remember, the goal is not to deal with them. instead, make a rude comment to them at least twice a week. somehow, manage not to talk to them about anything on a personal level, just say something every 10 minutes, then leave. best yet, just put up an away message if they talk to you; yeah, thats how to do it! see, ive been taking notes from some of you. i try to be nice. i try not to let it get to me. i try to stay 'sunnyside up' and 'rosey cheeked' its not that i dont noticed it. its not that i dont see what youre doing. its that i expect better than that. its too bad, to think someone actually would go out of their way to talk to you; cheer you up on bad days, to know enough to just listen to you on good days; lets reward that. lets insult them. lets to do everything we can to degrade whatever might be there; and why not? our attitude has to be 'fuck that assclown,' besides, if we dont start now, well never have it perfected. so when that time comes, you can just all out embarress yourself with your own conduct towards another person. but thats where the practice comes in; youve allready written them off, for no reason at all, so now it will be much easier to do it. that how we can teach each other not to care about anyone. thats how you get where im at. thats how you KNOW when a situtation is exactly the way it is; because its all you ever see from people. well i guess i should just stop that. i guess i should just snip the wires that carry that kind of emotion, and litterally cut off those kinds of feelings for people. congradulations, horseshit immature antics, like yours, make it more difficult for you in the long run. someday, youll realize who your standing next to, and youll know its not what you could have had, if you didnt insist on playing by the new rules.

merry fucking christmas to you all; and to all a big fuck off!

Current Musical Selection: Gladiator Soundtrack - The Battle Theme

dont know what to say anymore. not sure what i want to talk about tonight... again, its one of those times where im finding myself awake at 5 in the morning, and im not quite ready for bed, but i dont want to stay up any later. and here i go again. yep. pretty much. nothing. comming. to me. nope. nada. nothing. cant think of. anything. to write. instead. i guess. ill just. play. with. periods. you all have. grown. accustomed to my. erroroneous. puncu. atio. n. ha.ven.t y.ou. ?

in the words my old highschool friend,

" homework sucks my balls "

studying for finals isnt getting me anywhere; in fact id guess ive played more video games than studying this whole weekend. to my advantage, i did study hard for one final, which i was expecting to come last week... the other two i dont have alot to study... i guess other than the entire text book and everything that was said in class. so, ive lulled my self in to my usual false sense of security. im sure when the lead hits the paper, im going to be mad at myself, as usual. finals are worthless in all respects except grades. only to grades and gradepoints do they matter. they dont test me on what ive learned; they dont show my instructors the mastery over the subject matter that should have been imparted on me throughout the course of the semester. instead, they make me fill out fucking bubbles. instead they make me write paragraphs about statistics. instead they make me cite court cases which we all know. its not showing me anything, and id argue its not showing the instructors anything. all they want is the answers, regurtated in the form presented to us; no spin, no unique idea, no exploration, just tell me what i told you, the way i want to hear it. then get your B- and go through that door. school in general is no longer a good determinate of what kind of person you will be, or how well you have learned the material. id like to think im not a bad person, and that ive learned something. but grading this way, just shows me that im not good at Iowa on their scales. their grading procedures places more emphasis on how often i show up and listen to their obscene filth; over how much i learn. they grade me on what they know, not on what i know. alot of times i find myself arguing during the course of an essay exam. im torn between writing the essay i want to write, and writing the answers they want to hear. my way jepordizes my grade [because appearantly that means i havent learned anything, duh] and their way leads to better grades. but i cant myself part with it. i always gut it out, and go with the bad choice. the choice they dont want. i argue it strong and fast. i argue my answer, knowing that each word is fighting the system they so richly believe in. and ultimately i can not be correct. but i keep writing it. they keep marking me down. again, appearantly i havent learned anything in my time here. i thought college would be about me learning the material, i thought it would be about me gaining a sense of self. instead, i learn what they tell me, to spit the same back at them on exams, then i learn that my way is wrong, in every sense of the word. its tough to be optimistic going into finals week. im sure not.

more later today...

s.

Current Musical Selection: STP - Sex Type Thing

i am, i am, i am, i said i wanna get next to you; i said im gonna get close to you... you wouldnt wanna have me have to hurt ya too? hurtcha too? i aint, i aint, i aint a buyin your apathy, im gonna learn ya my philosophy; wanna learn about atrocity? i know you want whats on my mind, i know you like whats on my mind, i know it eats you up inside, i know you know, you know. i am a man, a man, ill give ya something ya wont forget, i said ya shount have worn that dress, i said ya shoulnt have worn that dress. here i come, i come, i come. i am, i am, i am, i said i wanna get next to you; i said im gonna get close to you...

not sure what to make of it. the last week has been magical hookup week. honestly, i dont think there has been any person left out of this vicious onslaught. some people, three nights in a row now; others just decide to sleep with random people, some get walked home the next day; and im sure there are others just waiting in the wings from what i know. its chaos. part of me says thats nice, go them.. the sensible part of me doesnt like this... any of this. these are all people who work for me. the minute any of this shit starts to go south, i then get to inherit infighting, attitude and disgruntled uncomfortable silence between people. im not looking forward to it, and the day is comming. its gotten so bad, im to the point that im not even able to keep score. in the begining i could, now im just lost; it seems like everything is just comming out of the woodwork. there has got to and end to this all... really, im running out of employees! all i have left are 2 that are untouched by this... one i can only assume is lodged into his own, non office pool, of whatever; the other doesnt seem to be too concerend with it all.... hes the one im scared of. next ill hear one of them is after him. its not right.

i actually got to sleep last night. for anyone that might not know; i had been up continuously since about 8am Tuesday morning; lasting until about 3am Saturday morning, with only a brief 4 hour interlude where i litteraly blacked out on the couch. ive really only pushed myself farther once in my life. im not proud to say it, but i know that im capable of staying up for about 4 days... this was really getting difficult for me to do, but it was very hard to get to sleep when i did. jamie is right; id probably punished my brain so much for trying to sleep, it just wouldnt allow its self to shut down. i scare myself with that kind of will power and conditioning. look at it this way, what if i channeled that into something useful? yeah. that what scares me. instead, i forced myself to do, really, 3 weeks worth of work in one... two major papers, a major presentation, 3 lesser papers, and still only missed 1 class the whole week... plus managed to take care of all the fruit basket everything, have a house meeting, 3 meetings outside the scope, interview potential university president over lunch, and manage to disappear for several hours, 60 miles away on a whim. busy week.

not much else is going on. nothing has changed. nothing will change. change is gone. reality is the name of the game. the reality is ive changed. notice the lack of blue webpage now? i thought black was better. i thought my words might stand out from the page now, rather than blend in. i blend in as it is, and im tired of noticing that. tired of getting placed in the same old groups. label them what you will; 'just a friend' 'poor student' 'non-motivated' 'mean' fuckem all. ive got nothing to prove any more, ive got nothing to sell, ive got nothing to make me do more than i should. i found that lately ive been spending alot of time by myself. some of you have asked about it, i guess i dont have an answer. i guess i dont care all that much, ive never felt that ive needed people around me... ive never felt the need to be wealthy by people. but then again, i think ive been 'feeling' too much lately. ive been thinking too much, ive been feeling too much, ive been wanting too much. maybe its just that people make me sick. people drag me down, and sometimes they push me, the push until they bring out the worst in me. its aggrivating. its frustrating to feel yourself lose your grip on everything, to watch yourself slipping. to be able to remember when everything was squarely in front of you, and now its all on its side, flowing all over the ground.

so not only have i been rather sleep deprived and anti-social of late; ive also felt pretty useless as it comes to women. the current weeks state of affiars isnt helping much, i might add. again, i suppose its all well and good for all of these people to be finding each other... aside from some of the match-ups being slightly creepy and unforseen, generally these are people whom id have said are probably due for someone. not to slam them, but i think each is probably difficutl to match to someone else, i suppose its a good thing that theve been able to find people which they are comfortable around and possibly more forgiving of all the lesser faults we have, and maybe, just maybe, they are much more appreciative of the nicer sides of us all. its hard not to feel left out in it all. not only do you get the obvious, 'i want mine too' when it comes to distributing signifficant-others; but ive noticed the pool of friends has dwindled since all of this started happening. even the group of us hardcore friends on the floor have really started to break up... id say theres about 3 major factions now, 1 is fairly tight, 1 is fairly loose, the third is made up of loose ends. seems that the 2nd group is starting to diminish, and the rest of us leftovers are really having to fend for ourselves. not to mention; once all this other group madness started to occur, there was alot of intermingling and movement across groups-- with the advent of the dating game, weve now adjusted down the ranks, everyone seems to be pairing off or staying in groups of 3s. but not me. i dont know why; but, i feel like ive gotten left behind in the dust cloud. not that it matters i guess. none of this is intentional id imagine, and its probably better off... little bit of natural selection to shake down the genetic tree i suppose, and who did that ever hurt? ive been eating some meals alone; something i tried to reserve to days when im uber busy or just non-sociable; past week or so its not been by choice. again, i guess i dont really care. its just odd to see it all change like this so fast. its differnt now. its different when i see these people together. maybe im in the wrong, but i quickly get the impression that being around me, is not a priority. its kinda... i dunno.. its weird to feel left out for things. its weird knowing that things have changed--focus and attention have changed-- since a week ago. some people ive known for years now, just lately seem like total strangers. and now total strangers have just been thrust into the mix as full equals for the group. its feeling like youve been replaced, and youre still standing there when they picked new teams. one of those indirect ways of letting you know you can just go home. teams are full. no one picked you. anyway, game on. i suppose you can sit out and watch us play. and thats kinda what its like.

for those of you that keep score, ive had another wonderful dream thats been pretty re-occuring lately. sometimes it repeats its self, sometimes it starts in different places, and sometimes its a continuance, but its all along the same lines. i really dont know why i get these things anymore. i used to be good about sleeping. i used to have good dreams. i dont anymore. i dont sleep worth a shit, and if i do, its been in the afternoons, when i shouldnt be sleeping. the dreams have gotten more vivid lately... and im not talking porno. like with some of the others, i really remember what happens, and more and more, im remember how i feel as it all goes on. i never used to.. i never used to get feelings in dreams. they always used to be something cool, like screwing a Playmate of the Year, or playing ball with your favorite Major Leaguer. they are all dark now. they all have little hope of anything good happening them, and they never end well... thats what been waking me up lately at night. waking up from some of these things makes it very difficult to go back to sleep, so i havent some nights. some nights i just sit in the dark and look out the window. sometimes i just do something idle, ill bounce a ball, or swing my keys around, but ill sit there for hours just thinking of it all, in the dark. im sure its not healthy. hopefully alot of this subsides before i go home; really the last thing i want to deal with is my parents getting involved. dont get me wrong, i respect their opinions, and i trust them and their judgements... just at this point i dont even know whats wrong. i dont even know why i share some of this kinda shit anymore, i really dont.

dreams are only what you want to make of them, and i know theres something in it all worth thinking about. i wonder what its all supposed to mean, and what its supposed to point me to. lots of cultures tend to think that dreams are a way of fortelling the future, in a cryptic way. so far, about all i can tell is it looks like im going to die. it looks like im giong to die in a state in life, where it doesnt look like im all that happy with where i ended up. yep, sounds reaaaal farfetched. fuck, that could be any day now, as far as things seem to be going for me. but i suppose its not. i suppose its not going to happen for a while. i hope not atleast. but the dreams arent nice to me, that goes without saying. this one seemed to go with the last one i wrote about. ill spare the details. its really not important, and im sure you dont want to know, but all i know is i wake up in a cold stone cell. its dark. its mildy damp. its humid, but the stone is cold. i cant move my legs well. my fingers dont respond right. my head hurts alot. one eye is swelled shut. and theres a deep ache everytime i try to breathe. without warning, a door is opened; bright light blinds me, and people speaking languages i dont understand, haul me out. its time to get beaten again. they usually just kick, punch sometimes too. they had some sort of stick or cane, but they broke that. they usually keep going until one of them is too tired to do it anymore. then they like to talk to me. in broken english, air hanging witih stale cigarette smoke; they ask me questions that i dont know anything about. they think i do. they think hitting me makes me remember. it tends not to. it goes on like that. eventually they try to smile, and be nice to me. they try to get me to tell them the answers they want; to questions ive never heard. its funny. the broken jaw keeps me from laughing about it. although im not really sure its broken; once after i didnt wake up for a few days, they brought a doctor to see me. he said he couldnt tell if it was broken, or just horribly dislocated... there was too much swelling and bleeding to tell without xrays. they like to tell me things. they tell my about how my world on the outside has fallen apart. they like to tell me that my country will soon be gone. but. since they like me, if i cooperate with them, theyd help get me a job in their country. they like how weve become such great friends. they tell me theyd like to do as the americans do, and 'have a beer sometime' together. they dont drink tho. probably against the religion. whatver the hell it is. they usually hit the back of my head when i dont pay attention or start to blank out. it helps me to concentrate they say. they show me maps of areas ive never heard of, then they show me pictures of stuff i dont remember seeing. they are looking for something, and they ask their friend to help find it. i suppose im not a good friend. eventually they get tired of me, and one of them drags me back to my cell... where i get to lay in a pile, until they decide to come see me. there used to be other people there. at first, you could hear them scream, or refuse to talk. anymore its relatively quiet around here. i was never allowed to talk to anyone. the only time ive ever seen someone else was when they threw a body on top of me. they told me the hotel was double booked. then they laughed. the worst comes when they try to break everything about you.. and its hard to tell what that would entail, when i really dont know whats going on, or where i am. its the most surreal when they play me tape recordings, and read me letters. they say the letters are from home, and they say the voice is from someone i know. i noticed that when i told them they were wrong, the next day it would be a different voice, and a different name. the letters would change too. once they got a name right, they changed what the letters were about. i suppose it took a week or so... i cant really tell how long; but theyve got me down cold now. they have the name or two, with a voice thats kinda similar, but not really. they make me think about things that arent true. they read me letters from some girls that profess love to me. i know better. then they write me things about how they miss me, and how they want me to be home. its probably a lie too. the stories continue. eventually i cant remember whats real and whats not. its a cruel game really. im at the point where i start to believe the lies they tell me. i start to believe it like they are true. i start to believe that these girls actually do want me, and actually do write nice things to me. but its all lies. eventually the letters get angrier. sometimes they start picking at me. sometimes, they start telling me how they dont like me, how im a horrible person, how ill never find a person to replace them, and how ill allways regret screwing this all up. maybe theres lies in there. but thats how it continues. its allways dark colored. never anything light. only the pale yellow light from the lamp that hangs in the room where my friends are. sometimes a smaller desk light is on by a chair in the corner; that how i know ive gotten mail or a tape from home. but the dream just goes in and out. sometimes they last a while. sometimes they dont. sometimes i think im having a new dream- a better dream, until in the dream im woken up by the sounds of myself being beaten mercilessly. sometimes i can feel it. sometimes i cant. sometimes those are the dreams that wake me up at night, and keep me from sleeping. i used to have pleasant dreams. now i dream of wars, i dream of physical punishment, i dream of emotional angst, i dream of people beseiging me for who i am, i dream of solitude and pain. sometimes i dont. sometimes nothing happens; alot of times i just sleep, and i remember nothing when i wake up. but sometimes i get dreams like that. sometimes its hard for me to tell whats the dream, and whats not.

ain't fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [new live rendition from the tour!]

mellow, in a word. the new rendition that ive been playing the hell out of the past few days is nothing but mellow. back in the early 1990s, when GnR was the biggest and most dangerous band in the world [according to journalists; NOT themselves], this Bob Dylan cover rocked the arenas and venues of the globe with a ferocity rarely seen from such a simple, bastardized reggae song. They threw in the speed and style of GnR, and just amped up to all hell, and let it go. But now, its a new age; and its a new band. One of Axls goals is obviously to separate himself, and his new band from the past.. this song does it. At points, its reminiscent of the old tune.... some parts i can hear the true Axl bleed through; but mostly its new to me... its different... its mellow. Where as the former version reflected the jaded and raucus lifestiles of the times, the new song is much more pleasant to the ear. Its all about change.

I never been one to show much emotion... and ive probably mentioned something about all that here before. Sometimes thats not a good thing. Lately it hasnt been. Several have been reading just this, and attempting to extend that im nothing but unhappy and suicidal. I think we all know thats not true, whether or not i exhibit it correctly. I suppose, Im not a happy person- and i have never claimed to be; likely never will Happiness is relative to me. Happiness could be a new video game; it could be scoring a phone number from a girl in lecture; it could be sleeping in some morning; and it could be a night where people dont ask me stupid things. Happiness isnt a unifying property. Happiness is and can be many things; of many levels and intensities. To me, happiness is rankable, getting my haircut when it looks bad... minor happiness, of moderate duration. Somehow winning the lottery; major happiness, major duration. Getting a girl to go out with me; major happiness, moderate duration. Sleeping in late; minor happiness, minor duration. None of which really are permanent, none of which are overly life changing. None of which would change who I am, Id hope. But appearantly, Im told I should be happy more often. Im not happy enough I guess. Which is odd, none of the above have occurred lately; so in my mind Im not seeing much to be happy about. Rather, Im not seeing how my mood should adjust arbitrarily for lack of stimulating circumstances; for no reason than 'just to be happy.' Im a different breed that way; I require a reason to act a certain way.

Reasons are interesting too. Reasons give you grounds to do something, and appearantly to feel a certain way. Ive got reasons not to be happy. Ive got reasons not trust people, Ive got reasons why I dont go to class. But what gets to me; is how all of you insist that I dont need reasons to be happy. Im not against happy; but its got to be for some reason, no different than being sad. You all appearantly still think that I should just ignore what makes me 'sad' or 'poopy' as youve put it, in the idea of becomming 'happy' or 'non-poopy.' I say to you: give me a reason to be happy! Give me reason to not have horrible dreams, give me a reason to have pleasant ones. Give me a reason to have hope; and better yet, give me something to make me happy in the here and now, that will elimante a need for hope, as Id need nothing else to be happy to hope to. Instead, I see the reasons why I should not be happy. I see the reasons why I should remain frustrated, cold, and alone. I dont see you and your reasons aiding me. I see them hindering me.

But as I said, Im not so good at showing my emotion. I tell it. I hint at it. But I do not put it on exibit. I think I am easy to read. I think I am honest. Appearantly I am not. Reading the words I have written, I feel everything is there, but none seem to catch on to it. So you continue to ask me what is wrong, why am I 'sad' ? I am sad because I am denied of that which would make me happy. So what? What is new about that? My life is generally one chain of dissappointments, of greater and lesser intensity; with a sparse occasion of success. All in all, Im pleased with my self if I can manage to remain neutral through it all, much less 'happy'

I think back on it all, and remember the faces and places where I should have been brought down... maybe now is one of those times, and maybe it isnt. But now is a time where its difficult for me to maintain the neutrality of feeling throughout it all. Now is a time when it does affect me negatively. It affects me personally. Its me thats negative. Not in a sense of happy v. sad. But in a sense of me being the lesser of two choices, me as captain bringdown, me as not the attractive option; as the negative one. But that too, is not unusal for me; not unusal for being me. Its the context you put it in. Its the surrounding issues that make it worse. Its the people that exist and the things they say to you, that make you sad. Its the way they dont even acknowledge you, and just naively blow you by when you have something to say, that makes it negative.

I doubt that people ever truely know what they do, and maybe its not right of me to hold this against them, as they wouldnt know. Only a handfull of times have i ever expressed any feelings for a female that were stronger than 'hey, how are you doing.' Only for a few, have I ever felt that they, above and beyond the others, the friends, the allies, the aquaintences, that they mean something more to me than the average person. Most of them are just a close friends. Only once in my life have I ever admitted to loving another. She meant alot to me. As Ive said here before, she shouldnt have. She made me interested, she made me feel. She was the one that truely awoke a sense inside of me, that was destined to feel for someone else; a sense of me that wanted to be with someone else. For that, I dont think I will ever truely wish to forget her. Some of you have pestered me with questions about being over her... my answer is never. I never want to be over that feeling of having and wanting someone else, I liked it too much. A better question, Do I feel that she and I are over for good? Yes I do. Do I wish that I could have just her back? Not necessarily. What I do wish to have back is that feeling-- that sense of having someone; but does it have to be her, specifically? No. People think its sad for me to be hooked on her still, eventhough its just the feeling that im still 'hooked' on.

Not long ago, I did something uncharacteristic for me. I admitted feeling for another person. I admitted that I felt something more than just the obligatory 'hey, how ya doin' I thought i felt something, but I dont know what I feel now. I do know that they mean more to me than the average person. Unfortunately, it doesnt appear to be the case in return. Once again, I have become the negative outcome; as I clearly wasnt so great, to be met with anything but naievety and discontent. Im moderately new at this game; but I can guess this isnt the way it ought to be met; I can guess its not how a 'happy' thing would occur. I also cant say that every other time Ive ever mentioned anything like this I was met with open arms. In fact, many times I was told harsh and negative things in return. Ive always been the butt of jokes following something like this; or the one that gets sneered at, or just the normal cold shoulder treatment. The one time in my life where I told someone I loved them, I was yelled at for it. And here I've gone and done it again. So none of this is really stable ground that I stand on. To me, love is not a common word. Love is not a word I use often; much like hate, its a word I reserve to describe the most deserving of circumstances. To me, if I love you, I guess your pretty well set, because its not a word I'll take back- its not a feeling, an emotion, a state of mind, that I'll take back. Its not meant to be. For me, love is more or less unconditional, save something extreme; its something that makes you a priority in my life... like my parents, like some of my friends. If i love you, I dont want to be laughed at or denied. So why do I regeret it now? Why am I glad that they probably never noticed it? Because I shouldnt be. Its guilty of me to want that; I dont... but. nothing of what I know seems to make much sense. I dont even know what all I think. There are honestly sometimes where I feel that I could almost want to have something more than friendship with them, and times like I couldnt fathom wanting to talk to someone like that.

Lately my entries have been my lamentation over my desire to proceed with my gut feeling, knowing my prior 'convictions'; and so I went through with it. They may never know, or may only think of it in retrospect-- even then probably only by reading this; but I said several things, that from me, were very uncharacteristic. I noticed them. I noticed myself saying them, and often I quitely punished myself for it; knowing what it would eventually bring. And it did. A few days ago, I tried to explain, in my terms, that someone else mattered to me, more so than just ordinary people. I sincerely doubt I was ever heard. My words were gibberish and distracting to them; and my attempted message was nothing more than aggrivation. I knew they would be. I knew I would never be followed on what I had to say. I knew my words would not be received kindly and with admiration, I knew to expect resentment and possible rejection. And still it upset me. So I attempted someway of putting it non-verbally. Putting it in a way which may show, rather than tell, what I was thinking. I think it too was a bust. Shouldnt have to argue or send go-betweens for feelings. It shouldnt have to be frustrating and complex.

For what it means, Im not happy for several reasons. Obviously, but to lesser degrees, Im upset that relationship does not appear to be reciprical in nature. More importantly, the words were never allowed to come out that could prove anything one way or another. What-- to me-- was most, and is most frustrating and upsetting was the ability I felt at ease with to tell this person; but the appearant difficulty it required for them to receive it [if at all]. Nothing is more damaging than talking to someone who wont listen. I would much rather spend my time in a room full of angry people that dislike me, but will listen to me; then to spend a few minutes in a room with one person who will not listen to a word I say. I say this, because I dont make things as obvious as other people do... and should I finally feel the need to voice my concerns, I feel as though I should be listened to. Instead I think I was met with inattentiveness and blanket disregard for anything I might have said. Its difficult for me to deal with that. Its difficult to want to say to someone what youve wanted to say, and have them not listen. Its very difficult for me to say anything to someone, when they try to argue your points with them, when your intention was only informative. Its difficult for me, because i dont do it very often.

For me, giving a compliment likely shows 10 times what was stated; and for me to tell someone what I had wanted to say, from me, would speak volumes. I dont understand why people dont want to hear me, why someone wouldnt want to hear me. Then all I have to do is look down, and realize that its me. Another 'sad' thought, you might say. Some of you might say Im being hard on myself, or that I should stop with comments like that... oddly enough, you are all the people that would say the things to me, that make me feel that way. But nothing is sacred, not even I. All I have to do is realize that the reason why no one would want to hear anything I have to say, is because I am Scott. Scott is everything that is repulsive and wrong about living life. Scott is solitary, Scott is hardline right-wing, Scott is for killing people, and Scott is for cutting taxes. Scott is fascinated by weapons and warfare, and Scott to-the-point. Scott isnt attractive, Scotts not cute or desireable in appearance or a physical sense. Hell Scott doesnt even blip on the radar. Scott doesnt care for your popular culture, and Scott abohrs your musical taste. Scott has nothing in common with you, does he? Scotts got nothing that would persuade you, hes just the bad seed, the evil. Scott just has nothing you would like. So we treat him that way. We are cold, and deceitful. We lie to Scott, and we keep Scott from becoming anything more than distant. We get Scott to hear us out, then tell him to shut up when he wants someone to talk to. We laugh at what Scott says, we think 'oh geez' theres a problem if Scott wants to get close to us. We want Scott to be nothing more than something we can turn off when we want to. We want Scott to be devoid of all feelings. We want to keep Scott from becoming someone for us; we just want to use him up. Lets just let him sit out and rot, let all the vile blackness that we spit on him, just stay there. We make Scott out to be something that doesnt matter to us; we allow Scott to become less than a person, and more of Scott; something with no value or signiffigance. For that reasoning, I suppose I too would find it hard to accept Scott for anything. I do wish, that I have become something other than Scott. I do wish I have become and actual person, not just something that responds to your instant messages, or someone that opens the mail. I hope Scott would become something to someone other than me. But i realize he hasnt. I realize, just like Scott does, that its not going to happen. Just as much as Scott may like to change all of that, it wont. Just as much as Scott wants it all to change, you try so hard to keep him reduced to nothing more than that. Something less than me. Something minus human.

Its hard for me to say where it all happened. Its not like I can sit and pinpoint exactly when I knew things were different for me; when it started to change inside. I can say there were several events that really triggered it all. But you wouldnt listen to me if i told you when they were. You wouldnt care why I did either. So my reasons just stay my own. I wanted to share them. I wanted to share something more than just words. But you all dont want me around. You dont want to have the person that could mean more, that could say more and do more; you all want to have Scott around. Scott isnt anything real. Scott isnt anything to worry about. We can say these things to Scott like hes not even sitting here! We can tell Scott to 'fuck off,' we can tell Scott anything we please, and know, that since hes only Scott, figment of our utility; there is no consequence that come with friendship, attentiveness and mutual care. Its just Scott afterall. No worries. No me's. Even if we let Scott become something more; what then? How do we treat someone like that? How do we allow ourselves to let a caring individual in on our lives; how do we expect to function if we allow him to care? Its Scott remember. Its no one you wanted in the first place. I suppose that makes it easier on you, doesnt it? If I spell it out they way you all want to think about it.

s.