Sunday, May 02, 2004

some random thoughts....


everyone right now is passed out in my living room. nick barfed. but did manage to hit the toilet. there is mountains of fresh skunk quality beer left [something like 30 cans]. ones on the floor, one on a couch, one in a chair. and so far all is quiet. i suppose ill talk about it all later on. for now, im much too lazy to drag out pictures and things taken. that and my massive headache really is preventing me from doing much of anything, as far as labor or intensive though process may be conerned. just, for now, am enjoying the silence of everything.

its kind of an odd thought i suppose, to be surrounded by friends.... quite litterally the bodies are stacked around here.... but to still feel alone. its just a light thought thats breezed through me lately. despite doing things, going places, and honestly not having time to worry about such things... its really just felt lonely to be me. i guess everything ive got has to revolve around me, or something else i dont want to do. be that work, or class, or other people's shit; its very rarely been anything for me. i thought this weekend would have been alot of fun; since its the only one ill have off for quite some time, and its the last one im going to have in town [to say definitely atleast] with several friends. its too bad people no showed the whole festivities. but, for now, they arent the point. i guess i am.

i hate being whiney about it. i hate describing myself in terms of referential pitty, but god it seems fitting. i think since last year ive just been in this rut. for all the obvious positive changes that happened to me, then ended in the shit that it did... just about a year ago to date, its hard to say that everything has just been easy or carefree in my life. i cant deny that its probably an easier life to live that alot of other people have to do... but then again, im sure that alot of people probably wouldnt run right up to change places with me for it either. and i cant figure out why.

one of the things thats been nagging me has just been that sense of being alone. just an idea of feeling lonely. there are entire days where i wont speak to people. no one calls looking for me. instant messenger stays quiet, with no away message up. and its hard not to feel like no one would really care if im even around anymore. hell; my parents took nearly a month before i had to take the initiative to talk to them. even they dont want that much to do with me... or so it feels. because i do understand that i just cant sit and take the end result of peoples [in]actions and make any decisions based on them. however, i also just cant blanketly excuse it either. so instead, im sitting here alone in my room, in the middle of the night, doing nothing about it.

i feel alone, because its true. for so long, i was hurt in a spited way by Someone. i had, quite litterally, spent my life looking to find someone for ME. id gone through all the mickey mouse love story shit that kids, i guess, have to do. i have had more than my share of shit treatment by girls. ive been screamed at, humiliated, dumped, cheated on, and stoodup more times that i think its important to remember. and i dunno that i can say any of it was 100% free from spite. however. lots of things changed last year. this time i entered into a relationship that seemed ready to be made. i felt comfortable with it. i felt secure with it. and i felt like it was something worth staying with. and i guess i was wrong. i was walked out on. and i get left holding on to all the feelings that i presumed wed been sharing. so for along time, i felt just hurt by it. like the first time a bully makes fun of the color of pants you wear to school. you dont know what it means and what it doesnt mean. you just know, that people dont like you... that people laugh at what you have. and in the end, thats kind of what happened to me. everyone here just predisposed of the situation, thought i shouldnt care, and never really bother to look too much beyond the surface of what they imagined to have happend. i guess, being one of the two people that knew better about it all, it made that jump really difficult to make.

it took quite some time before i got out of that hurt stage. just where everything just felt like it was fresh everyday. no only about her, but about me. see, not only did she reject me and her, she rejected [in a way] my dreams, my goals my desires.... and it wasnt just rejection. this time, it was cold. it was controlled and it was hurtfull to the very core of how i wanted things to be. instead of walking away and being done with women forever... as i should have done after high school... i kept sticking it out. finding new girls, with new ways to get to me. and i ran into the last one, and it didnt feel the same. everything felt different/. and it felt right for once. and thats what made it hurt the most. feeling right about wanting to have someone in my life. that was the idea that was snuffed out most harshly by her actions. its hard to reduce it to much less than; no one really wants anything to do with a dream like that; when someone treats you in that way. deep down, i know i still feel that way. its hard to see any kind of evidence other than that around here. this town is fully of the one nighters, the girls that never know your name, the guys that never cared to ask for it. they all go together quite nicely, and no one here seems to want much else. ive had married friends, engaged friends, ethical ones and not so, all succomb to some sort of complication and compromise of their states. me? i never wanted that. i wanted a simple thing. i wanted a girl in my life. i wanted one that would actually look up to me... that would enjoy spending time with me. someone to have, to hold. and i had that for a while. and then it left. and i found myself in a whole iof deep depth.

since then, i staggered on through the summer. left again, largely to myself, i find myself trying to reason things out at 4 am... fucking around with newspapers at an assembly line. or driving up and down the highway for no reason at night. just thinking things to myself, that no one else appearantly wants to hear. i hope im not crazy, when i say that id even talked to myself out loud several times. because i felt lonely. because i had no one else to talk to. because i had no one else to hear me. its hard that way. its really fucking hard to go day to day and make some sort of existence for yourself and be thoroughly alone thought it all. especially when the strongest desire of all is to free yourself from loneliness.

yet again, im here. alone in the dark. and nothings changing.

i cancelled all the online profiles and subscriptions i had. it was costing me something like 30 bucks a month to have my likeness put out on the net and papers to be seen. desparation seems to ask for desparate methods. i think in the course of the year... i had maybe a dozen replies or answers. several were spam. none of them even came close to anything id call atractive. so i felt like a fool for doing it. for spending money like that, to bet against a sure thing. people dont bet on the rainfall anymore. why should i bet some girl would look at me. so i killed it all. and i dont feel any better about stopping it as i did about starting it. its all the same really. because nothing changed.

i kind of wonder how much longer its going to be like this. i would like to ask the gods in the sky, why i have to do this. why its not fair at all. why its so hard to have to stay isolated. . . . when every night i hear the girls out laughing in the darkness. and i sit here looking out the cold glass casements. its just lonely some nights. its hard to say you are a complete person when there is nothing call completed. its strange to go to bed alone every night. its hard waking up and not feeling someone next to you. and its worse when you realize no one wants you to.

im not sure where im going with this anymore. im just rambling. im just complaining. and i feel bad, because i feel so unwanted. its just such a terrible thing to think about everynight alone.


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