the past few days have gone by pretty fast. scary. i was looking forward to spending more time around the house with my family; but it hasnt happened... why? jobs. m-o-n-e-y. as in the pursuit there of. so i spent this week applying and interviewing all over town. after 4 interviews, 3 job offers [all three were on the spot] i picked one. it wont make me as much as the other at Sears could have potentially made... but ill do it. low stress. no pressure sales really. plus ill get raised fairly often. the hours are normal retail too. cant be that bad. so for now, atleast, im employed again and start monday morning at 8am. fun. there goes any chance of having down time in iowa city. that also means that saturday will be my last day in the QC. ill be moving the last of my crap... (read: heavy stuff) in tomorrow. i suppose i could drive back to dport for the day sunday; but i dunno. id rather spend time getting un packed and finding things in boxes and getting my trademark posters back up on the walls... my room at the apt looks too dull with out GnR plastered all over it. plus ill need to buy groceries and fun stuff like that. eating is a good thing. especially when youre fat like me. but its going to be interesting. some of the butterflies and things are starting to hit me. this is going to be my last year in iowa city; absent a God sent miracle to have me admitted to Iowa's Law program... so its bittersweet. i definitely need out of this town. just driving into it i feel it again in my stomach. i hate the kids, the culture, the attitude the evervescence of alcohol mixed with vomit that is the local town smell on campus. i dont want it. its a gutless, Godless society of helpless children, bent on moral dissolution and chaotic pleasure purges, strung out on mom and dads cash. and i dont fit in. just a few classes left and im out of here. i hope. but the big day is a ways off still. gotta focus on moving crap first. hopefully traffic will be light in the apt parkinglot. the parking sucks. about 9 buildings use one access road thats scarcely wider than a lane... the parking in my lot is attrocious. we park car-fucking end to end... not side to side like the rest of society. oh how Chairman Mao has blessed us this great Republic, with these ideas of parity and balance. you do know Hanoi---- Iowa City fell to THEIR control in the early days of the war. so i sit. in the apt surrounded by rooms of people drinking and partying and the like.. why? because they get to go to school. ignorance is bliss. im out.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Current Musical Selection: 2nd Best - Lightning In My Head
two things on my mind... one because of the other...
first and foremost, why cant i sleep? my sleep schedule is so fucked up its not possible to try to sleep during normal hours. i tried tonight. got back up and ended up watching Entertainment Tonight till 3am... went back to bed. after laying there for an hour and a half, im plopped infront of the linbox. ugh. i wish i could sleep normally. its going to kick my ass come this week; when im searching for jobs and moving all of my shit in at school. i figure this will be my last week at home in Dport, only because i need to get a job up and going and earn next month's rent before its too late.
ooooh yeah. theres lightning in my head. and youll never understand.
so the lack of sleep is letting my mind wander. nothing else to do in the dark, when it gets so quiet. so i sit and think. remember how i was starting to make a bitch about marriage and that clock ticking? thinking about it now doesnt make things sound any better to me. yeah im young i guess. but after sitting through 3 weddings this summer, several last... it starts gaining momentum in one's mind. combine that with being scared to read the paper almost, to see who else is engaged or recently married. several classmates are showing up now, and alot of others allready are. i suppose that doesnt mean anything. and in of its self it does. its ironic that the idea of two people meaning something to each other isnt supposed to mean anything to me. but thats how everyone is suggesting i think of it. i suppose i can sit and look to all the wonderful 'winners' of life that have managed to stay single this long. i dont think anyone would want me to make them my idols.
being broken up with makes me feel worthless and rejected, and running into jennifer a couple weeks ago just continued to bring out the feelings of uselessness. really it has nothing to do with how i really see myself, its just that it becomes hard not to get caught up in that sensation. when everyone is passing you by it shouldnt feel good to not feel something. not only am i behind on graduation schedule, but im behind on the marriage/relationship track of where i should be; compared to everyone else. so that all sits on my mind late at night like this. thinking about the next few months of my life, im not seeing much resolution to any of the above thoughts. ofcourse you can always say that i never expected to end up where i did about 6 months ago. i dunno that seems so long ago; its still pretty fresh, but then at times it feels like it was years ago with people i dont even know anymore; even if i was one of them.
truth be told, ive never been happy being single. i hate it. i detest it. ever since i knew what it was like to be in a relationship, ive never wanted to be without one. yet here i am. i want to feel like i matter to someone, that little things that i might do; that are entirely stupid; could mean something; even make someones day. shit like coming home from work; and watching someone smile to see you; that kind of thing matters to me. thats the kind of thing i dont have; and im not expecting to have for a long time. the roommates are cool; but lets face it im not who they enjoy seeing. and now im going to be living in that situation; immersed in people that enjoy each others intimate company; but not mine; worse yet they can do it in a way i can not.
im not sure why it matters to me. but it does i guess. the past couple years have been pretty rough down in a hole. a couple people figured that out by talking to me and reading this space... sorry. its not depression; because i am happy, i have things to do, i have motivations and aspirations, and i live each day. yet its just such a sore subject, that when it comes up it gets to me. so somehow people seem to think that if i just ignore it all; like doing nothing but short of burning out on other activities, ill never notice it and it will just go away. and it doesnt. i came close to burnout this past year. hell im on the verge of it now. all it did was burn me out; all those passions and urges are still there, they never go away. instead ignoring them just lets it rot away into something putrid thats more hurtful when i come back to it. im the kind of person that needs to sit and work through the problem, and its hard to find an angle to work on per say. really its just all about hang ups, past attrocities and the nightmare that is my life in misguided achievement of a lasting relationship. its gnarled. its dark. its twisted. im not whore or anything, but there have been quite a few names when i think about it; and none of them are favorable. they all branch out and form some dark tree that is my history. you cant put sunlight on something like that... it only shows the scars and gaping wounds that exist on each limb.
the pleasantries really just escape me sometimes. ive been sitting and drawing in a book lately. dark images, dark words. i want to sit down and write about happy things; but this is what comes to mind when i try to think on it all. i try to find the good things that were there; and yet i keep venturing farther into the void. sometimes i question why i bother. why i even bother to try and reflect on where ive gone wrong and where they went wrong, and it seems pointless. its seems like each page is only justifying me further to be angry, misguided and lonely. its not feeling sorry for myself, its more of a maturation of discomfort and unrest. its about being angry about what happend when i try to be happy. its about wanting to have happy memories and remembering the fights and the terrible times. its about reliving what people my age just putdown and walk away from. but i go through it all. each time i turn over the next page and look at it blankly. its fresh, its clean, its free from burrs and defects... nothings snared it yet, nothings criticized it, nothings hated it, nothings felt the need to lie about whats on it, it hasnt been shredded and ripped apart by loving hands, it hasnt been taped back together yet to be left in a heap. so sometimes the simplicity of having a clean slate... of having a conscious that wasnt dirty and didnt decide to reside in the realm of reincarnative memories; is something i wish i could have again. maybe i never had one. maybe ive always been the one to feel guilty for everything. maybe im the one thats never felt the need to compromise, and sometimes you gotta pay that bar tab off. everyones got to.
see i ramble alot still. i guess im not sure how im thinking about all of this. i think its pretty common knowledge that i dont; or try not to reread what i write here or edit any of it. sometimes stuff seems to wander then, but the really important stuff stays clear. and here ive been warbling about a subject, hours after i should be sleeping, and i dont even know where im at with what i want to say. that says alot though. i really dont know where im at with what i want. for the first time in a while im starting to feel pressure about things i cant do anything about. i cant dictate when i fall in love, nor who its with. and i damn sure cant do anything about it when it all turns to shit once again. to me, thats somethign thats very difficult to deal with. i run things to the penny. i had a streak at the craftstore of something like 9 weeks where my cash drawer was never off a penny. even through christmas season. i am something of a meticulous creature, yet i take leaps and bounds. i think i even surprised the queen of random; by out doing her at somepoints with it. but in my own special way, its so calculated even my random streaks [to you] seem like straight lines to me. and at times i guess i just surprise myself with where that line leads me. like here. im not sure how i got here, and im even less sure what im talking about. its about clarity. its about understanding pain. and maybe i dont know much about how it works.
maybe that makes my first problem a little easier. i probably cant sleep because i cant figure anything out. or its probably because the ass clowns at work made me do 1st, 2nd, 1st shifts one week then 3rds the next. but my sleep has been somewhat erradic the past year or so. arh did alot to alter that. as did 7:30 am classes. and part of it is myself fighting myself. maybe im growing out of the late night awake pattern and starting to even out to the morning patters. then a few nights like this throw me for a loop. i dunno.
i do know that i still want what i did want. i want a relationship. id like to have a girl that actually wanted to be around me, and more so than just to insult me. or the occasional brain-picker. something that resembles a mutual relationship, staring me and her. maybe ive got issues surrounding my dating past; but that doesnt allow people to bring issues over to me. and i try my damnest to not let that happen. but none of that matters when youre staring blankly at a dark wall at 4am. looking past pictures of you with someone that remind you to smile and be happy, but do nothing more than twist a knife in your heart to see it. that weapon is guilt and its sharpened by knowledge. it sinks in deeply and it bites very sharply... it will cut you deeply and leave you open for whatever to come your way next. and when i think about it thats what happened to me.
after seeing jennifer again... god i think thats twice ive reference her now... it reminded me of alot of the flaws and things that went wrong with me trying to have sustained emotional relations with another human being. importantly, i forgot that they have to enjoy me too. it took me over two years to really remember that. and this time when it knocked me over, i wasnt done looking back at the last time. everything felt right, felt familiar, but new. it was fresh. but it was all undenieably right. thats what bothers me later on now. how right it was, and how wrong it ended. but i have that kind of time now i suppose. all the time that loneliness will afford is mine to dispense. so i sit in the dark and think about things like that. i think about how simple it looks for everyone else. sure, they have a small slip up; a small fight. or maybe its something obvious. maybe he hits you, maybe you cheat on him. whatever it is, it all looks so simple to me. it makes me realize how complicated of a relationship i tried to pull off with someone who cant handle that now. it all looks so simple now, because back with others it was. maybe i didnt pickup on the things as they ocurred then, but they were simple. one was clinically diagnosed, one was addicted to weed, one never wanted to leave her boyfriend, one just wanted her old boyfriend back, and one never liked me. now i think about how hard it is to add one to that list; one that now cant love me. its not as simple as i wanted it to be.
its hard to move on, but i know thats where i need to go. on. away. moving back to iowa city isnt going to do that for me. even moving my stuff in and picking up the keys with jeff, i started feeling panic-y. i see places, i think things and its all back again; when i want so badly to berid of all of it. thats why i moved out of the dorms. honestly, its not going to be cheaper for me... unless you count it out in the long run... my parents refuse to pay a dime of it. so i owe rent, utilities, food, tuition, books, car/gas, bills, phone, and not to mention spending cash: all on my own. when everyone in this town has mom and day pay for everything, im alone on this one. money isnt a good subject to me. i was slowly eroding credit card debts... which for a college student im below the national average... but its going back up. it just will. not to mention the 400 dollar cloud over my head every month; that just gives me a place to live with lights. dont count feeding me. mom laughed at me when i suggest 150 a month on food. she knows me too well. i wont eat out, or fast food or anything expensive like that. but i eat. i guess it works out to less than 5 bucks a day. i know shes right. i hate that too. so on top of that, i get to deal with 30 hours of work a week, or more. that just keeps the hole from getting deeper, it doesnt get me out. the only rope that could do that is this fucking bachelors degree, that likely wont earn me shit- so its a good thing i plan on more school- and thats got me 7 guaranteed classes to go. of which i can get no less than b-'s in. otherwise i wont get credit and i wont graduate. so theres pressure for all of this riding behind any problems i thought i had. but i force a smile. i lie like i know i have to. thats not even counting in my new project; which rapidly bringing stress, so far ive avoided investing cash; all ive used is my own time. all i want is to be happy. to have someone to be happy with/for, and to have a job that i work at that allows me to live in something above poverty. its not alot to ask for, at least i never thought so. but here i am, struggling at that already. struggling to stay happy while breaking by back to stay above bankruptcy, and all i can do is think about wanting someone else to make happy. im better at it than i am at making myself happy i think sometimes. its not true. but i think it.
i guess thats alot going on. i always just tell people that nothings happening with me. its a good lie. its one id like to believe.
two things on my mind... one because of the other...
first and foremost, why cant i sleep? my sleep schedule is so fucked up its not possible to try to sleep during normal hours. i tried tonight. got back up and ended up watching Entertainment Tonight till 3am... went back to bed. after laying there for an hour and a half, im plopped infront of the linbox. ugh. i wish i could sleep normally. its going to kick my ass come this week; when im searching for jobs and moving all of my shit in at school. i figure this will be my last week at home in Dport, only because i need to get a job up and going and earn next month's rent before its too late.
ooooh yeah. theres lightning in my head. and youll never understand.
so the lack of sleep is letting my mind wander. nothing else to do in the dark, when it gets so quiet. so i sit and think. remember how i was starting to make a bitch about marriage and that clock ticking? thinking about it now doesnt make things sound any better to me. yeah im young i guess. but after sitting through 3 weddings this summer, several last... it starts gaining momentum in one's mind. combine that with being scared to read the paper almost, to see who else is engaged or recently married. several classmates are showing up now, and alot of others allready are. i suppose that doesnt mean anything. and in of its self it does. its ironic that the idea of two people meaning something to each other isnt supposed to mean anything to me. but thats how everyone is suggesting i think of it. i suppose i can sit and look to all the wonderful 'winners' of life that have managed to stay single this long. i dont think anyone would want me to make them my idols.
being broken up with makes me feel worthless and rejected, and running into jennifer a couple weeks ago just continued to bring out the feelings of uselessness. really it has nothing to do with how i really see myself, its just that it becomes hard not to get caught up in that sensation. when everyone is passing you by it shouldnt feel good to not feel something. not only am i behind on graduation schedule, but im behind on the marriage/relationship track of where i should be; compared to everyone else. so that all sits on my mind late at night like this. thinking about the next few months of my life, im not seeing much resolution to any of the above thoughts. ofcourse you can always say that i never expected to end up where i did about 6 months ago. i dunno that seems so long ago; its still pretty fresh, but then at times it feels like it was years ago with people i dont even know anymore; even if i was one of them.
truth be told, ive never been happy being single. i hate it. i detest it. ever since i knew what it was like to be in a relationship, ive never wanted to be without one. yet here i am. i want to feel like i matter to someone, that little things that i might do; that are entirely stupid; could mean something; even make someones day. shit like coming home from work; and watching someone smile to see you; that kind of thing matters to me. thats the kind of thing i dont have; and im not expecting to have for a long time. the roommates are cool; but lets face it im not who they enjoy seeing. and now im going to be living in that situation; immersed in people that enjoy each others intimate company; but not mine; worse yet they can do it in a way i can not.
im not sure why it matters to me. but it does i guess. the past couple years have been pretty rough down in a hole. a couple people figured that out by talking to me and reading this space... sorry. its not depression; because i am happy, i have things to do, i have motivations and aspirations, and i live each day. yet its just such a sore subject, that when it comes up it gets to me. so somehow people seem to think that if i just ignore it all; like doing nothing but short of burning out on other activities, ill never notice it and it will just go away. and it doesnt. i came close to burnout this past year. hell im on the verge of it now. all it did was burn me out; all those passions and urges are still there, they never go away. instead ignoring them just lets it rot away into something putrid thats more hurtful when i come back to it. im the kind of person that needs to sit and work through the problem, and its hard to find an angle to work on per say. really its just all about hang ups, past attrocities and the nightmare that is my life in misguided achievement of a lasting relationship. its gnarled. its dark. its twisted. im not whore or anything, but there have been quite a few names when i think about it; and none of them are favorable. they all branch out and form some dark tree that is my history. you cant put sunlight on something like that... it only shows the scars and gaping wounds that exist on each limb.
the pleasantries really just escape me sometimes. ive been sitting and drawing in a book lately. dark images, dark words. i want to sit down and write about happy things; but this is what comes to mind when i try to think on it all. i try to find the good things that were there; and yet i keep venturing farther into the void. sometimes i question why i bother. why i even bother to try and reflect on where ive gone wrong and where they went wrong, and it seems pointless. its seems like each page is only justifying me further to be angry, misguided and lonely. its not feeling sorry for myself, its more of a maturation of discomfort and unrest. its about being angry about what happend when i try to be happy. its about wanting to have happy memories and remembering the fights and the terrible times. its about reliving what people my age just putdown and walk away from. but i go through it all. each time i turn over the next page and look at it blankly. its fresh, its clean, its free from burrs and defects... nothings snared it yet, nothings criticized it, nothings hated it, nothings felt the need to lie about whats on it, it hasnt been shredded and ripped apart by loving hands, it hasnt been taped back together yet to be left in a heap. so sometimes the simplicity of having a clean slate... of having a conscious that wasnt dirty and didnt decide to reside in the realm of reincarnative memories; is something i wish i could have again. maybe i never had one. maybe ive always been the one to feel guilty for everything. maybe im the one thats never felt the need to compromise, and sometimes you gotta pay that bar tab off. everyones got to.
see i ramble alot still. i guess im not sure how im thinking about all of this. i think its pretty common knowledge that i dont; or try not to reread what i write here or edit any of it. sometimes stuff seems to wander then, but the really important stuff stays clear. and here ive been warbling about a subject, hours after i should be sleeping, and i dont even know where im at with what i want to say. that says alot though. i really dont know where im at with what i want. for the first time in a while im starting to feel pressure about things i cant do anything about. i cant dictate when i fall in love, nor who its with. and i damn sure cant do anything about it when it all turns to shit once again. to me, thats somethign thats very difficult to deal with. i run things to the penny. i had a streak at the craftstore of something like 9 weeks where my cash drawer was never off a penny. even through christmas season. i am something of a meticulous creature, yet i take leaps and bounds. i think i even surprised the queen of random; by out doing her at somepoints with it. but in my own special way, its so calculated even my random streaks [to you] seem like straight lines to me. and at times i guess i just surprise myself with where that line leads me. like here. im not sure how i got here, and im even less sure what im talking about. its about clarity. its about understanding pain. and maybe i dont know much about how it works.
maybe that makes my first problem a little easier. i probably cant sleep because i cant figure anything out. or its probably because the ass clowns at work made me do 1st, 2nd, 1st shifts one week then 3rds the next. but my sleep has been somewhat erradic the past year or so. arh did alot to alter that. as did 7:30 am classes. and part of it is myself fighting myself. maybe im growing out of the late night awake pattern and starting to even out to the morning patters. then a few nights like this throw me for a loop. i dunno.
i do know that i still want what i did want. i want a relationship. id like to have a girl that actually wanted to be around me, and more so than just to insult me. or the occasional brain-picker. something that resembles a mutual relationship, staring me and her. maybe ive got issues surrounding my dating past; but that doesnt allow people to bring issues over to me. and i try my damnest to not let that happen. but none of that matters when youre staring blankly at a dark wall at 4am. looking past pictures of you with someone that remind you to smile and be happy, but do nothing more than twist a knife in your heart to see it. that weapon is guilt and its sharpened by knowledge. it sinks in deeply and it bites very sharply... it will cut you deeply and leave you open for whatever to come your way next. and when i think about it thats what happened to me.
after seeing jennifer again... god i think thats twice ive reference her now... it reminded me of alot of the flaws and things that went wrong with me trying to have sustained emotional relations with another human being. importantly, i forgot that they have to enjoy me too. it took me over two years to really remember that. and this time when it knocked me over, i wasnt done looking back at the last time. everything felt right, felt familiar, but new. it was fresh. but it was all undenieably right. thats what bothers me later on now. how right it was, and how wrong it ended. but i have that kind of time now i suppose. all the time that loneliness will afford is mine to dispense. so i sit in the dark and think about things like that. i think about how simple it looks for everyone else. sure, they have a small slip up; a small fight. or maybe its something obvious. maybe he hits you, maybe you cheat on him. whatever it is, it all looks so simple to me. it makes me realize how complicated of a relationship i tried to pull off with someone who cant handle that now. it all looks so simple now, because back with others it was. maybe i didnt pickup on the things as they ocurred then, but they were simple. one was clinically diagnosed, one was addicted to weed, one never wanted to leave her boyfriend, one just wanted her old boyfriend back, and one never liked me. now i think about how hard it is to add one to that list; one that now cant love me. its not as simple as i wanted it to be.
its hard to move on, but i know thats where i need to go. on. away. moving back to iowa city isnt going to do that for me. even moving my stuff in and picking up the keys with jeff, i started feeling panic-y. i see places, i think things and its all back again; when i want so badly to berid of all of it. thats why i moved out of the dorms. honestly, its not going to be cheaper for me... unless you count it out in the long run... my parents refuse to pay a dime of it. so i owe rent, utilities, food, tuition, books, car/gas, bills, phone, and not to mention spending cash: all on my own. when everyone in this town has mom and day pay for everything, im alone on this one. money isnt a good subject to me. i was slowly eroding credit card debts... which for a college student im below the national average... but its going back up. it just will. not to mention the 400 dollar cloud over my head every month; that just gives me a place to live with lights. dont count feeding me. mom laughed at me when i suggest 150 a month on food. she knows me too well. i wont eat out, or fast food or anything expensive like that. but i eat. i guess it works out to less than 5 bucks a day. i know shes right. i hate that too. so on top of that, i get to deal with 30 hours of work a week, or more. that just keeps the hole from getting deeper, it doesnt get me out. the only rope that could do that is this fucking bachelors degree, that likely wont earn me shit- so its a good thing i plan on more school- and thats got me 7 guaranteed classes to go. of which i can get no less than b-'s in. otherwise i wont get credit and i wont graduate. so theres pressure for all of this riding behind any problems i thought i had. but i force a smile. i lie like i know i have to. thats not even counting in my new project; which rapidly bringing stress, so far ive avoided investing cash; all ive used is my own time. all i want is to be happy. to have someone to be happy with/for, and to have a job that i work at that allows me to live in something above poverty. its not alot to ask for, at least i never thought so. but here i am, struggling at that already. struggling to stay happy while breaking by back to stay above bankruptcy, and all i can do is think about wanting someone else to make happy. im better at it than i am at making myself happy i think sometimes. its not true. but i think it.
i guess thats alot going on. i always just tell people that nothings happening with me. its a good lie. its one id like to believe.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
gah. so much going on. cant focus. cant type.
short list.
/project mandrake is up. i now have a p2 running mandrake 9.1 and x window environment sitting on my desk. cool stuff. im learning. slowly.
/my new venture is up and running. ill talk more about it once the trademarking is finalized. its cool. alot of you are going to go; oh geez! but i like it; and right now ive got the support [maybe if not in cash but in solidarity] of a small army. youll see. just wait and see.
/jobs suck ass. im done working for the 'Times for now. im still open-ended for employment, the crew down there likes me, as did the front office. so ill keep the trade routes open; but im moving forward with something else in iowa city. something a bit closer to....... [see next]
/the apartment. its up. ive moved some stuff in. cable connection is up and working. so soon enough ill be living in the people's republic once again. only for a year. im pushing myself on this one.
/relationships. so what, im still strung up? well. im also stone cold single. and hating it. im keeping busy not to notice much of it; but once school sets in i know ill be miserable again; for now tho... just trying to keep afloat.
more shiz coming. just watch.. i promise the cool news is coming up. those that know are sworn to secrecy as of yet. but just wait.
xSCOTTx runing kernel 2.4
short list.
/project mandrake is up. i now have a p2 running mandrake 9.1 and x window environment sitting on my desk. cool stuff. im learning. slowly.
/my new venture is up and running. ill talk more about it once the trademarking is finalized. its cool. alot of you are going to go; oh geez! but i like it; and right now ive got the support [maybe if not in cash but in solidarity] of a small army. youll see. just wait and see.
/jobs suck ass. im done working for the 'Times for now. im still open-ended for employment, the crew down there likes me, as did the front office. so ill keep the trade routes open; but im moving forward with something else in iowa city. something a bit closer to....... [see next]
/the apartment. its up. ive moved some stuff in. cable connection is up and working. so soon enough ill be living in the people's republic once again. only for a year. im pushing myself on this one.
/relationships. so what, im still strung up? well. im also stone cold single. and hating it. im keeping busy not to notice much of it; but once school sets in i know ill be miserable again; for now tho... just trying to keep afloat.
more shiz coming. just watch.. i promise the cool news is coming up. those that know are sworn to secrecy as of yet. but just wait.
xSCOTTx runing kernel 2.4
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