current musical selection: motley crue - if i die tomorrow

im all over the place mentally. i dont think that surprises anyone. its just so much garbage happening in such a repetition over a short duration. i think im getting this haze to finally start to clear, but its not like its lifting to complete clarity. im openly frustrated. about damn near everything, now that i think about it. its just alot of lamentations about shit that isnt going to do any good. its not finding me a job. its not getting me moved out. its not getting me married. its not making me happy. its not really doing anything for my life to sit and be upset about it. but after a second week of pure rejections, its getting hard to find any kind of light to reach for. about the only answer i get is "this is an automated response". not good. everyone says it takes time. i agree. but in the long run that doesnt matter, in the short run, im vying for more than just a job. i need some money coming in. i need to get a life. i really need to start having something to be happy about. i used to be happy about things, or people, or just activities. everything started to slowly sink away in july and it feels like all of it has just bottomed out for the most part. i dont know what it is. i dont even know that its as easy as it being one thing.

i guess if i say im frustrated, it can cover alot of ground. im frustrated that i cant even think of a place where id want to work, or a job i wouldnt immediately hate. im frustrated that i cant seem to find anyone to even hire me at places i know i hate working for. im frustrated that im 25 and im living at home still. im frustrated that i cant manage to find a girl to spend valentines day time on. its frustrating to feel like i dont matter. to me, when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i dont have any real purpose. i have always defined existence by purpose. and for me, im not coming up with much purpose right now. i hope that changes.

i hope that alot of things do change soon. i hope i can start to figure out my life again. maybe i never knew it, and had just been coasting along all these years, but i guess i want it figured out now--- and in such a way i dont feel like this again. feeling worthless feels terrible. feeling like nothing matters is just going to leave me on some self destructive path at somet point. i want a job to feel like i have something to do each day. i want money to feel valuable or have valuable things. i want a woman, because i want someone else to tell me im worth something at the end of the day. i cant really get behind those things at this point. i cant find an easy fix to say, "hey, that was progress." i cant find much in the way of support for anything. on sitcoms, the guy would always lie awake at the end of the terrible day, and have a wife that kissed him and told him everything would be ok. no one tells me its going to be all right. no wonder its hard to fall asleep at night now. worse than ever.

i guess i want to come to some middle grounds. that would be a start for me. just having a job. just a place that sends me a paycheck for doing something every day. something at the end of the week could pay my bills, and buy me a beer. or a lapdance. that would be a starting point. being able to sit down with the girl of my dreams and have a two-way open dialogue and just get past the "friend role" or the "is this ok to do" thoughts... just express it how we feel, and go with that. boyfriends, mileage, dreams... just push that aside for a day. that would be a start. it would feel so good to have some sort of worth, even if they are just starting points. its just trying to find something i can do to start it, and stop feeling this way. but its a desire to get what i want ultimately. i dont want my life to be like this. i dont want the only signifficant things to ever come of me, to be posted here. i want something better than that. i want what honestly feels like it should be mine. so many things feel like happenstance and get pushed aside in our lives. alot of it is. but sometimes, things and people stick. even less often do we get the feelings we do about them. there is something more to it. i know ive got to get something out of all this shit that happens to me. being jobless has to kick back into some kind of job sometime. spilling my feelings about a girl has to amount to something with her sometime. because if it didnt, i wouldnt do this. i wouldnt do any of this. id give up. i die. id just want to stop living a life where i couldnt get anything back out of what i put in. but thtat kind of thinking still isnt kiling th pervasive thought of worthlessness right now. for right now, ive got empty pockets, ive got no where to go, ive got a head full of ideas, and heart full of feelings that i want to do something with. but it all just sits here for now with me, unused.

tonight a random girl from utah started talking to me online. it turns out she just liked my taste in music. after a while of talking, she started asking for help in writing a poem she was going to write to her boyfriend. id have to say i was flattered. ofcourse it was random. of course it was blind luck. but. it makes me feel good to write sometimes. and to be able to write about someone you love, or care about, really makes it seem all that more important and special when you finish it. it was ironic that i thought about wanting to do something like that myself. but i remembered i have no one to write to anymore. maybe its not that i ever did, but i dont now. sure. deep down im still crazy about her. maybe for a second i was naieve enough to consider doing it. but the hard line is its not for me to do. its fiction to find myself think about it any other way. and around valentines day, it really makes me feel pathetic. its a holiday about love. about giving love, and maybe receiving some. and i know i wont be getting any; and its all make-believe if i feel like i have a place to give it. its a gnawing feeling that chews on the edge of the frayed ends of my sanity of late. but i guess its all in order. im a gun for hire, but no one is buying. im a person that wants some kind of love or relationship, and found out no one really wants that with me. sometimes i guess, it makes me question alot of things. but helping some random girl was a nice feeling. maybe im not shakesphere or catullus. maybe im just someone who romanticizes ideas and wants very much, to have someone to share that with. so atleast i could come in and help someone that needed that creative push in their own life. maybe the muses can move me. but maybe it doesnt matter so much now that they can.

i thought about the whole predicament today, before the girl and her poem. that i felt like i care enough and in a way to do something. to buy a gift. to write some poems. to just doodle on things for her. just because its inspiration, its motivation, its something that makes me feel good. but. if im smart enough to take the advice from everyone, its time to turn the corner and walk away from it. while i undoubtedly would feel better, or feel closer to her because of it. would she? would she care, would she really appreciate it, and how would she react? its difficult. looking for a way to please someone as an outlet of positive frustration, but finding it could be a reception of more negative frustration for her. i want to stick to my guts. i want to think that im not wrong, that i do have a future with her. that i do connect better to her than to anyone else ive ever hoped to. that she does make me smile. something i dont do enough of. that she and i shared so many things as kids that in a way it makes it easy to talk between us just having so much in common. i want to feel like im right when i say i feel that she is everything ive looked for. but i know i have to say the truth outloud. that my prayers can sprinkle my hopes and dreams, but have to base themselves in my reality. because what else is a dream or a hope, if its not a prayer? if its not something you want to come true for you.

so i could write it down. i could post mark it and send it on its way. shed read it. and maybe keep it. but probably have to throw it away. because. if she kept it, shed have to answer up to her feelings and mine again. you cant accept someones heart on a page and put it in a drawer. you have to take it; you have to cherish it and them, or you have to crumple it up and toss it. you cant take someone's prayers and let them embody you, then never let them recieve it. you have to rip it up. you have to tell them that its not deserved. that its not what they want to hear. because they want to hear it from someone else. and thats why shed have to crush it and tear it up. even if she would have tears in her eyes, thats what shed have to do. because it leaves me hanging like this when she doesnt. it leaves me hanging on the words of prayers to and empty sky if i can never have what i want. and maybe she cant have what she wants until she does that either. maybe im all wrong. maybe shes just as conflicted as i am. confused. then i want her to crush it. i want her to crush my heart on a page, to shred with my tears, if she cant accept it as it is. even if she just doesnt know, or just isnt sure, or just doesnt feel ready, she has to do that. even if i had to use my hands to destroy my own heart for her, thats what would have to happen. maybe im too scared to do that. and thats why i wont do it. maybe im too scared to know that i would have to do what i say.

its a simple poem. thats what everyone says. its something short and sweet. it says i love you. and it ends. really thats all it needs to say. because when you look at that person, youll feel everything else they have to say, or they will feel everything you know you have to say to them. because playing the middle ground isnt being honest about the day. if you avoid giving love or receiving it, what is the day really end in?