Current Musical Selection - Johnny Cash - Rock Island Line

i wish i could stay awake long enough to write more here tonight, but ill be lucky to scratch out whatever i do... its wednesday night... so that means i probably had a stats project due tomorrow, and thats right. its all done, but now im sitting at that precarious position; to sleep for 2.5 hours, or just to stay away through the whole day and deal with it. in all honesty i should be sleeping. not only am i tired enough to, but ive got macurh this weekend; which is likely to kick my ass. lots of stuff going on, and no time to sleep. turns out a very, very, very attractive friend of mine from high school wants to see me and go out on friday when i get to Cedar Falls. id be a fool to turn that down! as excited as i am about it, i havent really mentioned it to anyone yet. aside from jonah i think. i dunno why i havent. i mean, yeah i am stoked to see her. shes absolutely gorgeous, shes cool, shes allways been one of those level-headed normal people, that was trapped up in the popular crowd. so yeah. im happy about it. but im not. its not that im not. this isnt making sense is it? ive got reservations about seeing her; but its not her. i just dont know. im also totally satisfied in stating that im making this out to be more than it is. i made the joke the other day that the only reason shed have agreed to see me, must be because she forgot what i looked like. yeah thats probably true. time does that faces. time changes how we remember people. we keep this perfect picture of someone in our mind, and we carry it around for ourselves for years and years. and then time is cruel to us. time takes away, and strips out the beauty from the things we remember. time blanches our good looks, time robs us of our youth, time gives us maturity. it ages us. it changes us. so that some days when you get up, you wont recognize the person you see. and its not that they arent still the same person you remember them to be... its just that time has changed it all for you.

i tried to sit and think why i wouldnt be happy about meeting up with her. honestly my track record at this is pretty bad. i think of all the 'lets get together' dates ive had in the last few years... ZERO have worked out. doesnt matter if it was that girl from rhetoric, the girl from biology in high school, or even the girl you sat next to last semester in lecture.... it just doesnt work. i guess i expect too much out of it. maybe i just walk into it all with the wrong ideas. i approach it as meaning something more than seeing someone. i guess i address it as a genuine shot at something more. im usually wrong. i think some of the girls ive gone out with have been more impressed by what ive done and what i say that with me. i suppose it could make an interesting rainy-day lunch conversation, talking to someone about experiences as a student leader; or about galavanting around your hometown, telling stories of crap youve gotten into... but its much harder to imagine having an interesting conversation with me. scott tentds to say the things that arent quite like what you want to hear. and hes not easy to look at either. i suppose if i looked like brad pitt, and talked like a moron, id get farther... shit, its worked well for keanu reeves. but no. god 'blessed' me with the ability to think, not the ability to be coveted. its a disadvantage, and its an ace-in-the-hole all at once. i never really sat and thought about it all this way until after the first one of these 'reunion dates' as i call them. i was just shitting my pants in anticipation of seeing this girl again. then she brought a friend with. then the conversation started going sour. then i realized they were into my friends. then they were asking me to hook up the friend with my friend. then i started looking out the window alot. its tough to keep your interest in a conversation like that. i realized i wasnt the object of the discussion; and wouldnt likely add anything to it that they would appreciate. sometimes its a curse like that.

i never want to get too happy about these kind of things because i know they arent anything; but i start thinking that they might become something. and thats just a horrible approach to take. you end up getting sawed off at the knees alot like i do. one of those, 'oh so you just uh, came to see if i could get you an A in a class' rather than 'wow you dig me:? cool' nothing good ever comes out of this. i just find people want something out of me. thats allways a downer for it. about a big a downer as thinking to yourself, that maybe this girl actually wants to be seen in public with me. nah. thats not true either. you dont find that out till later on tho... when she asks to move to the table in the dark corner of the room, instead of the one by the window. hell how about when you get the ones that call you the day before and cancel; they tell you theyd rather just talk on the phone to you. then you know somethings up. or maybe when they look dissappointed when they see you the first time. you know somethings up then. and its not your stock value. its a bad spot to get into. its alot like dating someone that turns out to be totally different than you wanted. i think everyone can attest to something like that. you just get so built up on what your going to get; and you get to it. and its crap.

i also guess im apprehensive about it all because, really if it would work out... im not sure that i want to move on. theres stuff and people around me now, that id almost want to wait and see how it all works out first. before i start signing myself away. but its not bad. shed be great. prolly better than what id find around here. so why the doubt? i dunno. really i cant even make a good excuse for myself. if i look at my real odds, nothing is going to pan out here. im never going to get consideration. its just not going to happen. besides, i never have before. im allways the one who girls would rather not date. i frequently hear; "you dont count" "youre different" "i dont think of you that way" never any of the good answers you might want to hear. not even sporadically. you just dont hear it. its rough. sometimes i sit and think to myself, what the hell do you have to do to enusre that everytime you meet a girl; you get lumped in the friend only category? i dont know any more. even the girls you stop and go, woah, i want to play this one right... woah, this girl is different, dont do this like you do all the others. but it doesnt matter, its all the same heap of shit in the end. doesnt matter how bad it stinks in the meantime. i guess i can say i want more out of my options. id like to have an opportunity where id be the interesting one during a lunch date. id like a chance to be known as a viable option in the dating game, much more so than just 'that guy' i guess id like to get a fair shot at who i want, before i get turned away. im asking for alot more than im going to get anytime soon. i realize that. just as i realize, i know that whatever i tell myself about what could and couldnt happen; is whatever i want to make of it all. its nothing more than that. for me, its never going to be anything more than that.

im rambling... im delerious... im probably right...

ain't it fun~
s.

---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ----

ill keep this one short, i promise! just wanted to throw something up here to all of you out in viewo land that seem to read this... very cool. everyday im actually running into people who comment about this and want to see more or hate it or just cant stop reading it. very cool indeed. never thought this would be something that people would want to read; just thought of it as a storage locker for my thoughts really. kinda shocked that from my best guestimates; ive got about 50 loyal readers now. rock on. all i can say is wow, im impressed that all of you read this, and im even more impressed that you share this link out to people.... if my thoughts were drugs; id be a bonafide cartel by now. and i owe it all to my little thought junkies out there in viewo land. keep it up, ill keep writing, you keep reading; and well see where that leads us.

if you want to link me out, go for it: http://salvarad.blogspot.com

as always.... questions, comments, snide remarks... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

regular blogging activities will resume tomorrow or sometime after

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Gilby Clarke - Black [live version]

" if i told you i could love you || i fear youll think im weak || ive never had a friend that was my lover || when i wake up from my sleep || and i feel you next to me || im so happy inside; but id be crushed if youd leave... || its so black.... its so black... no one understands my hell... || black... so black... im a stranger to myself "

its kinda funny... this song is one of those thats started out as me just liking the sound... turns out i really like the lyrics to it as well... sometimes its tough to come up with a song like that--where every piece of it sounds different everytime you hear it; and you start to like different parts of the song... but its not a complicated song. its pretty simple. guitars, distortion effects, little reverb... set a delay on the first part, and you can play the song by yourself. if youve got the same kinda croon that Gilbys got. which is another thing i really like about the mans songs... for the most part i can sing along with them. ah yes, granted i cant sing, id use the tone deaf excuse but its not true, im just awful at it. never liked it. but i do like singing along sometimes. plus i have pretty odd range when i do sing. anyways; whether i cant match pitches, have no talent and no range, still doesnt explain why his music is so easy and catchy. lot of his songs are about nothing much [even he admits this in interviews] just a bunch of songs he writes down; maybe not even conencted thoughts, just random songs or guitar licks he liked. interesting approach in this world of over-produced chart toppers; or musically motivated works, by performers that convince themselves [and us sometimes] that its about 'the music' when its just a bunch of complete crap [read: Radiohead, or similar band of your hatred]. its a nice approach to music. honestly i could pick prolly half a dozen of his songs as his best song. its kinda like that.

also somewhat musically related... GNR... GNR....GNR....GNR 6 days away. although alot of people on the 'net have spoiled the setlist, and lots of things have come up pointing out that this is nothing more than a 'warmup tour' [in axl's own words] it should be hard to pysche ones self into it... but its not. im still pretty thrilled about going-- although... it turns out none of my favorite songs have been getting played anywhere else in the country. which is a load of shit; some of those songs are the bread and butter of the group's musical presence and accomplishments... yet, this isnt the same band... this is the Axl Rose project as some are calling it.... this is a new breed of musicians with their own stories to tell i guess. even so, i still want to hear it. 6 fuckin days man... 6 fuckin days.

actually i was a bit surprised by you all... no one really asked me about the previous post... i had figured people would ask me about the dream or want to know more about it.. but no one really did. kinda surprised. honestly it did shake me up a bit. everything was so clear in it all, but like a dream the only things that were in focus were the things that wanted to be. i cant remember what color of paint they used on the walls, or whether the hallway was carpeted or tilled; or if i noticed everyones shoes were untied... everything that wasnt meant to be clear was left fuzzy. its frustrating like that. you want to sit and remember and make more sense out of something like that, and you just dont have any more details... i guess its like going to the beach, and trying to figure out who was there yesterday by the footprints---but not looking until after the tide has come and gone. almost everything, every trace of existence is gone now; except for those major things. what scares me the most about it all is some of the things in it that just haunt me. really, it haunts me. getting flowers from an ex on your funeral could do that... but BLACK fucking flowers... thats not right. and i really dont know who i was looking for to be there.... ok maybe i do, but im sharing that. i dont know why i focused on the empty chair so much; but i did thats what it was like. it wasnt even like i had a chance to think about it, or make myself angry about it; i just was. lots of things could bug me about it i guess is what im trying to say. but only a few things really did. i suppose its all just telling me things i allready knew, but dont want to see in life. its all the shit i choose to ignore or stuff i let go; and when im asleep and my mind starts cranking away, its there then... because im not awake to be on guard to defend against any of it anymore.

its all a game of defense anymore i get alot of "what the hell did you ever see in that girl" to defend... its tough to defend it, but come again, its easy to. i look to the bright spots and say thats why i did it; i can look back and say yeah, thats where i really realized i was ready for mature relationships. not yep, shes a bitch; fuck her. its defense. then theres the questions and things about what i do, that i myself doubt. its always been a common procedure for me to do it; but why is it i tend not to tell anyone when i have feelings for them... why is it i just sit back and let it go; hope they find out; hope i dont have to admit to it. then it becomes a game of strategy. thens its how do i go about this, without leaking anything. how do i keep on keeping on; without disclosing that to someone? how do you move around and move friendships and conversations forward when youd rather not. youd rather just sit and unload everything youve wanted to say, and you want them to go 'oh wow, i love you too!' happily ever after, birds in the sky, trumpets blaring all that kinda shit. but it doesnt work like that. you just dont say it. its part of the strategy. a defensive strategy. and its a way of playing the game not to get hurt. its playing it safe, its playing the game to keep the lead. its pathetic really. but its a way of holding on to what youve got and not having to step up to the line to shoot to defend it. its yours and its safe, and nothing is going to change, no ones going to laugh at you for it, its not going to make someone mad or uncomfortable to talk to you. so you strategize and you play defense. maybe thats what that empty chair was about. maybe its just my way of telling myself the frustrations i have in the strategy; and that its going to leave me emptyhanded. maybe thats what the black flowers meant. maybe thats just my way of telling myself why i play defense; why i keep it to myself. and maybe thats why i ended up dead. maybe thats just my way of telling myself its all going to end someday. i wont recognize myself in the end, i wont have what i want, and the failures of the past will still haunt me, even to my grave. maybe thats what its all about. maybe no one cares what i think. and in the end maybe thats what will do me in.

ain't it fun~
s.