i need to get away from here. im gone the next few days.

[you are smart. we both know youll read this, and youll know why i left]

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan - The Girl From The North Country

well.. im not as mad as i was earlier. its hard to stay angry with music like this. bob slows down his song and teams up with Cash sometime in 1969 to pull off the song. sounds very different. very comfortable. very relaxed. very sorrowful. i almost like it more than the original. if you want it, let me know... i will trade this mp3 as its never been published [officially] to my knowledge.

latin is stupid. it makes sense. and there are days i still enjoy it. but its hard to feel like i can enjoy it when i dump so much time into it for nothing; then just get beat down for missing a day here and there. bob doesnt realize what goes on in my life; or that i work more hours than he does. add job hours plus just inclass hours, and youve got near a 50 hour week. thats not counting the time for this unending outside of class crap. soc may still kill me yet 2 research projects due soon. 1 in about 3 weeks. another gets a month repreive. im more excited about the first one. lots of work to do, lots of things to get done. plus i have to present on it. im not sure really what im going to end up saying for 30 minutes about my work. that scares me. maybe ill know when i get it done.

well this is day 2 on this set of clothes... i fell asleep in them last night and never changed or showered. i feel gross. but its comfortable and warm atleast. tomorrow i really need to shower. sleep would be nice. but its going to be in short supply for a few weeks more. i slept about 4 hours last night... maybe as much tonight. hopefully more tomorrow night. but well see. bless those who get the sleep they deserve. it is a luxury God has not afforded me. but aslong as i dont have to do the 4 days in a row, like i did last year; ill be ok. slept saturday night, was up all day sunday, night, monday, night, tues, night, wednesday, half the night. slept thursday. was up thursday night and friday. it was a scary stretch. prolly shortened my life by 4 years. so dont be like me kids.

i think ive surprised people this past week, demonstrating that i can cook without burning down the place. coacn and mouse were the first victims... jeff and khaldee got their dose of poison tonight. anyone else who wants me to cook for them just ought to drop me a line. its not so bad. sure beats cooking for myself every night. at least then i have someone to talk with as i do it.

ive been thinking over my situation of the future. im not sure whats going to happen. i was set to do LSATs this summer, now im starting to balk away from it. i think i need a strong kick to get me to do it. because i need to. i guess the future just kind of scares me. more likely than not, i wont be here in a years time. ill be somewhere. without anyone i know around me. even for a non-people person like myself, its hard to think about. but i guess its got to happen. things just have to move along somehow.

other than that, my mind is full of things. lot of what i wrote last night stays there. i really do need to talk about it. aaron was right; ive got to just let it go... the hell with timing, situation, or what they think. i do need to be honest and let it go. i guess, as much as im reluctant to do it, im glad i do have friends out there that i know are right. i fight with myself when i know how much it means to me. and i shouldnt do that. it shouldnt be this way... the whole situation is wrong... so i guess its time [according to my horrorscope] that i step to the plate to start the bargaining process.

other than that... im feeling burnt out. its early yet. lots of things to go. but i feel it. im dragging. i ache. im tired. its setting in.

x

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Volume 8


pissed.

i hate latin. i spent like 4 hours doing translations and studying up on shit; we didnt hand a FUCKING SCRATCH of it in. im pissed. and on top of that i got the normal lip service that my translations suck. fucking hell. why. why require a language again?

"i dont remember whose blood this is... but ive got a hammer inside my head..."

[more later]

i dunno.

i think.

and then i dont know.

i went for a long walk last night. real late. sometime after about 2am.

i was talking to someone... and i wanted to let go with too much.

so i had to shut myself up.

and i walked.

i ended up somewhere around the Oral B plant...

then i just sat and thought for a while.

came back home.

passed out in my clothes and shoes.

i woke up this morning.

it/they were still on my mind.

so all day i droned about.

trying not to think; but having my thoughts drift away anyway.

and i dont know.

i dont know anything more than i ever did.

but i know how i feel.

but does that count for much?

does what matters to me, matter much to you?

i just think outloud sometimes.

i like hearing it.

maybe it all makes more sense, if it sounds like someone else is saying it.

but im thinking it.

last night i wanted to say it.

but i kept it to myself.

i need to say it.

i need to say something.

it gets harder everyday not to.

and i want so badly to say something.

im tired of holding back what i feel, and what i want...

im tired of holding back myself.

i just want it the way it should be.

the way it makes sense.

the way that feels right.

nothing else ever felt so right in my entire life.

last night i thought about how things could be.

i thought i could live with certain things.

how i couldnt without others.

why cant it be that way?

why cant it be the way that we wanted it to be?

why cant it be the way that was natural for us?

why cant it just be for us?

but i say too much.

i think even more.

Current Musical Selection: just the rain falling through the open window

werk is annoying. aggrivating even. tonight i spent my 6 hours putting stock away. stuff that should have been done 2 weeks ago; that should have definitely been taken care of during the reflow, but was just thrown in to carts and totes in the lockup area. i spent 3 hours going through it all, sorting out the lockup closet and putting shit out. shit we were out of; but wouldnt get replacements for because they were in the store... just not on the shelf. i didnt mind doing that so much. hiding away in a dark room, no windows, 1 door, no customers. but they couldnt leave me alone. they kept paging me out to deal with people for the stupidest reasons. it made the job take much longer than it should have. granted it should have been done weeks ago. stupid shit, like some ho-bag wanting to know if theres a difference between 6 foot and 10 foot printer cables. hmm. she should rethink this college thing. or cashiers who never read the ad's we have out. so when customers come up demanding sale prices, they have no clue. i dont even talk now. i just whip out a copy of the ad and slam my finger down on it... no fumbling, no searching, i memorized the ad items, why cant they?

so thats why they lock me away in a storage closet with high-ticket items. i suppose the microsoft shelf of software alone is worth a tidy sum... we had 12 copies of office xp pro.. at $599 a copy.. but never mind the shelves of digital cameras... shit so expensive i cant afford to open the box without someone elses signatures. but it was fun. even when they page me to deal with a hindu guy that cant understand the difference between DVD and CD-R. but it aggrivates me that we deal with a world of idiots, and must cater to them. i cant ever bitch slap someone and laugh because they are an idiot. i just have to smile and politely explain things 9 times to them. even then they dont get it. which is sad. because that means they wont buy a warranty on it. which means i get chewed out. which is sad that it has to come down to that.

but there was a bright spot to my day. some little boy with downs syndrome came up to me and gave me a hug. i stood there talking to his mother about printers, and he just kept hugging away at my leg. she tried to pull him off, but i told her it was ok. and it was. the little guy had a lot of energy, and he was pretty happy to show it off. maybe not all the customers are bad. just most of them.

random shit. i hate latin. it pisses me off. i do like bible class, i got an A back on my paper [done the night before... but i thought about what i was going to do with it off and on for 3 days]; i wish my car had gas in it. seems like its always on less than 1/4 tank; i dont understand why pens have to be pointed, sharp, or mash your fingers when you write with them; i cant understand people that dont speak clear english.... broken english is fine, but heavy accents aggrivate me; i cant ever remember to water my plants- ill end up killing one pretty soon; i wish people would break down and talk to me about whats going on, i feel so helpless about what i know is an issue[s] in their life, and we both know im the one to help them through that, besides ive got alot of things i want to confess to them; i kinda wonder why plastic stuff never caught on much before 15 years ago... especially the plastic pop bottles that wont shatter when i get pissed and toss them- cant say the same for printer/scanner/copiers though; i wish dvd's would come down in price... up the price of the players some, drop the movies... thats all that prevents me from converting now; i wish wed go back to using parallel ports for something... serial too; raincoats arent all that valuable to have, except on a night like this; god bless the man who created liquid bandage [like krazy glue, but with anti-bacterial poo in it]; fuck microsoft for charing so much damned money for a product [like office xp], and giving ZERO discounts on it before the launch of office 2003 on oct 21st; fuck microsoft in general; fuck lexmark more for making pieces of shit; hell... fuck HP for making printers that look like pieces of shit... atleast they work though; kiss my ass college of liberal arts, your attendance policies need some work; they guy that made closed loop, tight woven carpet should show up at my house to help me find shit i drop on the floor; why the hell cant i ever sleep comfortably anymore? when will i stop thinkin about you at night? what do i want for my birthday presents... other than a law school acceptance letter! prop's to turkey for staying tasty longer than its supposed to; major prop's to scheels sporting goods for leaving out knife sharpeners to try, and keeping M1 garand replicas on the shelf to play with; maybe someone special will come along... because after a day of random shit and random thoughts like this; i could really, really use some time alone with someone to reduce the lonlieness.

old habbits reappear... fighting the fear of fear... growing conspiracy... myself is after me... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling.... hear them calling me.

Current Musical Selection: Gypsie Kings - Escucha Me

well ive now seen El Mariachi. it wasnt bad. i was expecting somethings, let down by others. but its a pretty fair start to the Desperado Trilogy. the only thing that really messed with my mind was the recasting of the main character from El Mariachi in Desperado as Campras, Antonio' Banderas's Machinegun toting friend at the movies climax battle. i even checked the credits to be sure, but it is him. or how about how Bucho and Moco are really the same. after watching El Mar- then Desperado, it kinda of made me mad. that and i dont see how El Mar- can actually findhimself to be in love with the bar wench from El Mar- but NOT with Salma Hayek... my god... id forgotten just how beautiful Hayek really is. [seeing that momentary porno scene in Desperado helped]; but i guess im not really clued in on that. or.... or how there is very little exposition to build between Hayek and Banderas's initial meeting. not at all how id have written or progressed the story... almost seems like its a cop out to make them feel like best friends when theyve never met. El Mar- did it better with the bar wench... guh. i dunno. i suppose im paying too much attention to it all. i was rewatching Desperado for details. so little symbolisims catch my eyes... like the scorpion on Banderas's jacket and the scorpion warning sign in the opening scene. plus... from watching El Mar- first.. the story does NOT progress as clearly into Desperado... almost seems like Desperado was a re-write of the original, plus a few story details held over.