Current Musical Selection: the Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps
" I look at you all || See the love there that's sleeping || While my guitar gently weeps || I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping || Still my guitar gently weeps "
not sure why im typing tonight... ive used that excuse before, but im using it again i guess. i sat and re-read part of my last entry, and saw how some of you couldnt understand what i was getting at, with grammatical errors and length aside. it was a little unclear. not much i can say really. i didnt want to put things out too explicitly... so far one person has picked up on what i said. im sure the rest of you will; if not, when all this has come and gone, maybe ill lay it out in exacting words. for now, i guess its just not important enough for you all to know... its just something ill keep to myself. its something that i know ill always beat myself up for, but i wont say it. it is something i just have to keep to myself this time. really that was the point of the whole entry. something on those external reasons why youd keep something to yourself... something you may most desparately want to share with someone else, but you know you cant. thats kinda where i was. maybe its where i still am. but more importantly, it doesnt matter anymore. eh, let me rephrase that... at this point in time, it doesnt matter... maybe i should follow your suggestions and stop nixing my own ideas before they emerge; but i think i wont. i think i cant say what i want to, because i genuinely know better than to do that. i really think that by saying what id like to say would make everything so much harder on me, that its better that i dont. sorry people, thats all im going to say about it.
yesterday i had an intersting conversation with someone at the desk. it was one of those stories from people that make you almost feel guilty for what you have. it was alot about parental mistreatment, and growing up in a really, really bad family position. something i do actually think no child should ever have to go through. as it all progressed, it came out that im appearantly the only person in the room with 'normal' parents. after hearing some of the stories from people, it does almost make me feel guilty for having them. and thats not right... no one in the room said i should be, and no one should ever feel guilty to have parents that are still married, still happy together, and that still love their children; absent all domestic disturbances, addictions and pyscho stresser disorders in existence. 2 normal, sane, parents. it made me wonder how it all balances out in the end. how much like their parents will kids become, and how much like them will they not? it seems every other child of similar 'normal' parents like me, is drifting farther from the image of their parents... yet the kids from fucked up families... yeah i dont know what expect from them. dont think im getting bleeding heart syndrome here... just that i guess ive always taken for granted maybe how fortunate my upbringing was in comparision to others, and maybe im surprised at how well some kids adjust after theirs.
not feeling too well... i guess ill just leave it at that, and go pass out... ill finish it off with more things tomorrow i hope.
" I don't know why nobody told you || How to unfold your love || I don't know how someone controlled you || They bought and sold you || I look at the world and I notice it's turning || While my guitar gently weeps || With every mistake we must surely be learning || Still my guitar gently weeps "
ain't it fun~
s.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Sunday, October 27, 2002
Current Musical Selection: the Doors - the End
couple of you have again made comments about what i post... this time ranging from 'isnt that kind of sad' to 'do you need couciling' to my favorite one; "are you happy with yourself, or do you try to be depressing?"---- no, i dont have to try people! again, not that any of you are appearantly worried, or expressed any true genuine concern, past the point of stating your opinion; but no i am fine. like everyone i go through my highs and my lows, my rapid fire and my lulls. i guess the other night i just feel like expressing what i thought at the moment... didnt care to type a story or an example, just thought that whatever i was going to put down, would cover my mood.
but life is like that isnt it? really life is nothing more than a build up to something, then it just takes it away from you; like a punch in the solar plexus; all the wind leaves you just as easily as it came in, just usually with less grace. life really hasnt been much of anything to me lately; really it has been a series of highs, that really never get to keep going up... if im lucky, they plateau out then slowly decline. more often, they just collapse unexpectedly. like a weary prize fighter, i may get knocked to my knees, but i hope that each time i do so, i still have the will stand, and keep on; rather than having the fight stopped. but you can never be too certain with life. nothing ever is.
theres alot of things in life that take effort to do. i guess, the only time when you notice the exertion, is when your either A- slowing down from the strain, or B- nearing your goal... i cant say i was really in solid standing with either, and maybe it was a half assed attempt at both... but i think i was getting there.... and, with lifes uncertainty factor, just as it is, you hit a setback. setback is the positive word... atleast setback implies that your going to move on; that its possible to move on... blockade is what i prefer; its slightly more negative, but closer to reality. the events would cause udue hardship or duress to overcome, but its in the realm of possibilities to do... its just a rather difficult task, that should prove an effective stoppage to whatever your trying to do. maybe thats what i hit... its not easy to tell these days. like running over something with the lawnmower, you really can only tell what it is once you move past it, then stop and think about what it could have been. its not like its a stump or a curb or something youd know right away... no, youve lodged that blade deep inside of some critter or shit pile several times; and now by god, your going to get to see it was.... just spread out over the lawn.
but life often turns out that way doesnt it? a wonderful lawn mosaic, right out in the open for your neighbors to see... honest to god, they enjoy it; just as much as you enjoyed chipping that golf ball through their back window and blaming the neighborhood kids for it. people seem to be that way. its not a matter of it being anyone elses business what happens; just so long as they get to see it all. that tends to make alot more complications on life than should be necessary; just the idea that your going to be playing with an audience.
and i suppose if your going to accept that life is always going make you put on a show, that others will always watch; then you may as well just figure on it being a show. whats the most important aspect of any performance? - timing. without the correct timing, nothing can be pulled off... so whenever you may actually strike up the nerve to do something in life; be prepared to understand that, if its not timed right; youve wasted your time. besides, now youve screwed up, and youve put it on display, and now you did it at an inopportune time... what could be worse? im not sure. but thats life. thats how the saying goes.
so who the hell really cares? good point. i guess im talking circles around something. more importantly im making myself stay away from it; and why is that? well if you read any of the above, youd be clued in... id rather not make a fool of myself, for something ive worked too hard at to ruin, to get put around in the gossip circles, when this is all obviously the wrong time to do. besides, im probably wrong anyway. and nothing could really be worse than that... walking into something with strong convictions about what your about to do; then end up the laughing stock of everyone in attendence. its happened before, but i dont want it to happen again.
you can sit and ask yourself alot of questions, and never come across any answers for it; and thats frustrating. but its not as frustrating as never being able to come up with the right answer. and who knows what the right answer is; maybe i would have been right, maybe id be wrong to say it... hell maybe saying nothing at all, and just keeping it all to myself is the right action. like i said, life can be funny that way sometimes. life can just be a series of setbacks, that really dont seem to lead you anywhere but to more setbacks. no compromises, no learning curves, no guidance, no advancement, just stopped cold in your tracks one more time. getting that cold feeling of uselessness again, one more time. knowing that what you think, and what you want to tell someone should better not come out; and one more time your at it again.
when you sit back and think of it all; really where has life lead you to by now? with my life, im no closer to what i want, or really where i want to be than i was 5 years ago. if i sit and look at my goals; day by day, it looks more and more grim. sometime ago, i had to sit and level with myself that some of those goals are too lofty, too ambitious, too unattainable for me to try for. you never want to make that choice for yourself. you never want to sit and tell yourself to permanently cross something off the list. but you do. kinda like when you really want to fess up to something; and you know you cant... you know that by saying what you know, your only going to make things worse. so you stuff it back down again. if it pops up, you push it down harder. eventually you learn to swallow your pride on a lot of issues; even the things you shouldnt. some things in life you should just put out there; let everyone know it, just say it all and be done with it. but. you cant do that. this is one time. just one more time, when i realize i cant say it.
you learn that lesson slowly. you learn it by doing it. the first time you hit this juncture, you go for it; you play the gut reaction and you run right up the middle with it. and you watch yourself get hit so hard, that your heels are the last thing to hit the earth. the next time your more cautious with the play, and you go around the end... no matter. youll get tripped up and pulled back. and maybe even after a few times, you get gutsy, you pysche yourself into it, and you say fuckit, cut away the dead skin, and make a dash for it. then you get cut down. its a self taught lesson mainly. you say what you need to, you get hit for it, you learn not to say it. and hear i am. several dozen trials removed from the first time; and maybe ive learned my lesson, because i havent said anything.
even when you know you want to say it; your dying to say it; you think the walls just ooze what your will... you dont do it. you catch yourself, and you just flog the living fuck out of your mind for it. your soul says "what the hell man" and your mind goes "im not going back in there" you can sit and fight yourself on it all day; i sure have. but by then, youve lost all sense of timing. although your emotion and vigor maybe right and strong; your too far behind the front to make any difference now. now, everything has moved along and your chance is gone again. and you could just get angry about it, and slam your head into a wall, or cry over it; but it doesnt mean a thing. its over, its gone, its done now.
so its done? so thats supposed to mean its over, but its not. see, youve still got your feelings and now youve just got your tail between your legs. no closer to where you may want to be; let alone from where your feeling might want to take you. even if your gut and your head disagree; youd still be moving if you just did it. but you know better. no one takes a big long-haired circus freak seriously. god knows someone like that couldnt have a genuine feeling about someone. no, we just want those kind of people to shut up; and move away. so maybe thats why i did it. maybe its not even the pain it would cause me to know that what id say wouldnt be taken in; but to know that just avoiding that situation is what the other person wants. ive see that too. ive see the letters and heard the words that tell you, You, are the root of their suffering. whatever it is, you did it. whatever complications you put on their life, you did it. whatever feeling you put into it, you did it against their will. and whatever intentions you may have had, its not theirs. it just isnt.
so no matter what i guess i do; i know its not going to come out right in the end. i know that my feelings can be so strong that it makes other people recognize them; but if its not what you want, then i guess im asking to much. fuck, timing issues aside, i could open my mouth and drop the words on you in a second.... but the response will be the same.
"i never knew you felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"
no more magic ideas, no more happiness, no more of that fucking fairytale bullshit. its you, and its the cold hard truth kickin your teeth to the back off your skull, and what are you going to do? you can protest, you can fidget, you can scream, or you can take it like a man. but you knew the answer before you asked the question. maybe thats why i didnt do it this time. maybe the answer was different; but ive only learned the answer to be wrong. and its got to be wrong-- its got to be that its them... they dont get it, they dont understand, they are missing out on you... not the other way around. but thats how you end up. you missing out on them. each time. every time. you end up missing out again.
in life, you always want whats best for you. maybe this time, its whats best for them. i know i could make a difference, i know i would love and appreciate them. but would they? are they ready for that? no. are you ever going to be? probably not. theres so many choices out there in the world, that its pretty self-righteous to assert that you, proper, are the be all end all solution for them. quit lying to yourself if you think otherwise. your a dirtbag. your the pile of shit on someones doorstep that ruins their day. and thats how people see you. stop asking yourself about it. start listening to the responses you get. maybe thats what i learned the most about. maybe i just learned to know im not going to be the pick for Someone, and maybe not for anyone. why complicate things? why bother to say the things you want to say? none of its what they want to hear. why put your feelings up on the block? we all know fat circus freaks cant have feelings. besides if they did, we know they cant be for you; thats just not right; because you wouldnt want it that way. fuck em. let them be someone elses problem. i want mr. j-crew; not that piece of trash thats standing infront of me. besides, who the hell do they think they are? god damn ghandi? just tell them in a way that makes me sound blameless, just tell them;
"i never knew ou felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"
spare me this time. i held it all in because of you. for once i learned my lesson. dont say it. dont ask it--dont think it--dont want it--dont try for it---dont believe it... just dont. when you get back into your corner; you can just tell yourself that the timing wasnt quite right... or you couldnt do it with people around, or it just wasnt meant to be. tell yourself something. tell me something. give a reason for once to yourself that says you did the right thing. they wont ever know it; but then again, they wouldnt want to. they wouldnt want you.
ain't it fun~
s.
couple of you have again made comments about what i post... this time ranging from 'isnt that kind of sad' to 'do you need couciling' to my favorite one; "are you happy with yourself, or do you try to be depressing?"---- no, i dont have to try people! again, not that any of you are appearantly worried, or expressed any true genuine concern, past the point of stating your opinion; but no i am fine. like everyone i go through my highs and my lows, my rapid fire and my lulls. i guess the other night i just feel like expressing what i thought at the moment... didnt care to type a story or an example, just thought that whatever i was going to put down, would cover my mood.
but life is like that isnt it? really life is nothing more than a build up to something, then it just takes it away from you; like a punch in the solar plexus; all the wind leaves you just as easily as it came in, just usually with less grace. life really hasnt been much of anything to me lately; really it has been a series of highs, that really never get to keep going up... if im lucky, they plateau out then slowly decline. more often, they just collapse unexpectedly. like a weary prize fighter, i may get knocked to my knees, but i hope that each time i do so, i still have the will stand, and keep on; rather than having the fight stopped. but you can never be too certain with life. nothing ever is.
theres alot of things in life that take effort to do. i guess, the only time when you notice the exertion, is when your either A- slowing down from the strain, or B- nearing your goal... i cant say i was really in solid standing with either, and maybe it was a half assed attempt at both... but i think i was getting there.... and, with lifes uncertainty factor, just as it is, you hit a setback. setback is the positive word... atleast setback implies that your going to move on; that its possible to move on... blockade is what i prefer; its slightly more negative, but closer to reality. the events would cause udue hardship or duress to overcome, but its in the realm of possibilities to do... its just a rather difficult task, that should prove an effective stoppage to whatever your trying to do. maybe thats what i hit... its not easy to tell these days. like running over something with the lawnmower, you really can only tell what it is once you move past it, then stop and think about what it could have been. its not like its a stump or a curb or something youd know right away... no, youve lodged that blade deep inside of some critter or shit pile several times; and now by god, your going to get to see it was.... just spread out over the lawn.
but life often turns out that way doesnt it? a wonderful lawn mosaic, right out in the open for your neighbors to see... honest to god, they enjoy it; just as much as you enjoyed chipping that golf ball through their back window and blaming the neighborhood kids for it. people seem to be that way. its not a matter of it being anyone elses business what happens; just so long as they get to see it all. that tends to make alot more complications on life than should be necessary; just the idea that your going to be playing with an audience.
and i suppose if your going to accept that life is always going make you put on a show, that others will always watch; then you may as well just figure on it being a show. whats the most important aspect of any performance? - timing. without the correct timing, nothing can be pulled off... so whenever you may actually strike up the nerve to do something in life; be prepared to understand that, if its not timed right; youve wasted your time. besides, now youve screwed up, and youve put it on display, and now you did it at an inopportune time... what could be worse? im not sure. but thats life. thats how the saying goes.
so who the hell really cares? good point. i guess im talking circles around something. more importantly im making myself stay away from it; and why is that? well if you read any of the above, youd be clued in... id rather not make a fool of myself, for something ive worked too hard at to ruin, to get put around in the gossip circles, when this is all obviously the wrong time to do. besides, im probably wrong anyway. and nothing could really be worse than that... walking into something with strong convictions about what your about to do; then end up the laughing stock of everyone in attendence. its happened before, but i dont want it to happen again.
you can sit and ask yourself alot of questions, and never come across any answers for it; and thats frustrating. but its not as frustrating as never being able to come up with the right answer. and who knows what the right answer is; maybe i would have been right, maybe id be wrong to say it... hell maybe saying nothing at all, and just keeping it all to myself is the right action. like i said, life can be funny that way sometimes. life can just be a series of setbacks, that really dont seem to lead you anywhere but to more setbacks. no compromises, no learning curves, no guidance, no advancement, just stopped cold in your tracks one more time. getting that cold feeling of uselessness again, one more time. knowing that what you think, and what you want to tell someone should better not come out; and one more time your at it again.
when you sit back and think of it all; really where has life lead you to by now? with my life, im no closer to what i want, or really where i want to be than i was 5 years ago. if i sit and look at my goals; day by day, it looks more and more grim. sometime ago, i had to sit and level with myself that some of those goals are too lofty, too ambitious, too unattainable for me to try for. you never want to make that choice for yourself. you never want to sit and tell yourself to permanently cross something off the list. but you do. kinda like when you really want to fess up to something; and you know you cant... you know that by saying what you know, your only going to make things worse. so you stuff it back down again. if it pops up, you push it down harder. eventually you learn to swallow your pride on a lot of issues; even the things you shouldnt. some things in life you should just put out there; let everyone know it, just say it all and be done with it. but. you cant do that. this is one time. just one more time, when i realize i cant say it.
you learn that lesson slowly. you learn it by doing it. the first time you hit this juncture, you go for it; you play the gut reaction and you run right up the middle with it. and you watch yourself get hit so hard, that your heels are the last thing to hit the earth. the next time your more cautious with the play, and you go around the end... no matter. youll get tripped up and pulled back. and maybe even after a few times, you get gutsy, you pysche yourself into it, and you say fuckit, cut away the dead skin, and make a dash for it. then you get cut down. its a self taught lesson mainly. you say what you need to, you get hit for it, you learn not to say it. and hear i am. several dozen trials removed from the first time; and maybe ive learned my lesson, because i havent said anything.
even when you know you want to say it; your dying to say it; you think the walls just ooze what your will... you dont do it. you catch yourself, and you just flog the living fuck out of your mind for it. your soul says "what the hell man" and your mind goes "im not going back in there" you can sit and fight yourself on it all day; i sure have. but by then, youve lost all sense of timing. although your emotion and vigor maybe right and strong; your too far behind the front to make any difference now. now, everything has moved along and your chance is gone again. and you could just get angry about it, and slam your head into a wall, or cry over it; but it doesnt mean a thing. its over, its gone, its done now.
so its done? so thats supposed to mean its over, but its not. see, youve still got your feelings and now youve just got your tail between your legs. no closer to where you may want to be; let alone from where your feeling might want to take you. even if your gut and your head disagree; youd still be moving if you just did it. but you know better. no one takes a big long-haired circus freak seriously. god knows someone like that couldnt have a genuine feeling about someone. no, we just want those kind of people to shut up; and move away. so maybe thats why i did it. maybe its not even the pain it would cause me to know that what id say wouldnt be taken in; but to know that just avoiding that situation is what the other person wants. ive see that too. ive see the letters and heard the words that tell you, You, are the root of their suffering. whatever it is, you did it. whatever complications you put on their life, you did it. whatever feeling you put into it, you did it against their will. and whatever intentions you may have had, its not theirs. it just isnt.
so no matter what i guess i do; i know its not going to come out right in the end. i know that my feelings can be so strong that it makes other people recognize them; but if its not what you want, then i guess im asking to much. fuck, timing issues aside, i could open my mouth and drop the words on you in a second.... but the response will be the same.
"i never knew you felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"
no more magic ideas, no more happiness, no more of that fucking fairytale bullshit. its you, and its the cold hard truth kickin your teeth to the back off your skull, and what are you going to do? you can protest, you can fidget, you can scream, or you can take it like a man. but you knew the answer before you asked the question. maybe thats why i didnt do it this time. maybe the answer was different; but ive only learned the answer to be wrong. and its got to be wrong-- its got to be that its them... they dont get it, they dont understand, they are missing out on you... not the other way around. but thats how you end up. you missing out on them. each time. every time. you end up missing out again.
in life, you always want whats best for you. maybe this time, its whats best for them. i know i could make a difference, i know i would love and appreciate them. but would they? are they ready for that? no. are you ever going to be? probably not. theres so many choices out there in the world, that its pretty self-righteous to assert that you, proper, are the be all end all solution for them. quit lying to yourself if you think otherwise. your a dirtbag. your the pile of shit on someones doorstep that ruins their day. and thats how people see you. stop asking yourself about it. start listening to the responses you get. maybe thats what i learned the most about. maybe i just learned to know im not going to be the pick for Someone, and maybe not for anyone. why complicate things? why bother to say the things you want to say? none of its what they want to hear. why put your feelings up on the block? we all know fat circus freaks cant have feelings. besides if they did, we know they cant be for you; thats just not right; because you wouldnt want it that way. fuck em. let them be someone elses problem. i want mr. j-crew; not that piece of trash thats standing infront of me. besides, who the hell do they think they are? god damn ghandi? just tell them in a way that makes me sound blameless, just tell them;
"i never knew ou felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"
spare me this time. i held it all in because of you. for once i learned my lesson. dont say it. dont ask it--dont think it--dont want it--dont try for it---dont believe it... just dont. when you get back into your corner; you can just tell yourself that the timing wasnt quite right... or you couldnt do it with people around, or it just wasnt meant to be. tell yourself something. tell me something. give a reason for once to yourself that says you did the right thing. they wont ever know it; but then again, they wouldnt want to. they wouldnt want you.
ain't it fun~
s.
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