Sunday, February 13, 2005

Current Musical Selection: Ronnie Dio - Heaven and Hell [live in 1996]

i think of all the various versions of this era of Sabbath, for some reason, i keep coming back to this post Sabbath recording of Ronnie's band playing the song. just have to keep thinking back about how he was kicked out of Sabbath both times, yet he'll still play the music from those times for the fans. Sabbath, really meaning Iommi [and Ozzy for moneys sake] refuse to play anything from outside the 1970s. like 20 years of catalogue doesnt exist for the band. which is really sad. i liked alot of the later Sabbath [read- NON OZZY] material. dio ranks at the top of those times. and for some reason, him running right back into the Dio band fold, and still playing this stuff just a year or so after the falling out, never seems to phase his performance. imagine if Ozzy adopted that attitude.

on and on. on and on. its. HEAVEN AND HELL.

so anyways, whats new with scott's life? --- well jobs are coming up as the main heart attack for me. its mid february. come may 20 something. ive got to get a real one. ive been applying to one a week or so. just dont have the time to do more than that now. waaaaaay too much stuff for school is coming up, and i never get any time off at work. but im trying.

there is a big black shape looking up at me. oh! it said, i know where you ought to be. it said, come with me and ill give you desire. but first. youve got to burn, burn, burn in fire!

valentines day is tomorrow... im not thrilled about that. i hate the day. its really not like any others. its built around feeling lonely if you dont fit the description. xmas can be about gift giving in general. presidents day is just about shutting down the post office, thanksgiving is about eating. yet valentines day. its about making yourself feel foolish about love. to love love is about as sensical as hating hatred. yet. we give it a whole god damned day on the calendar! you spend money, buy things, and spoil the ones that love you. so where do you end up when you have no one that loves you? who do you spend the money on when its just yourself? how do you properly reflect on the spirit of lovemaking/love sharing, when the day only reminds you of the heartbreak of the years past. its a hard day to make it through. for me atleast. i just keep reminding myself of all the mistakes ive made; or the mistakes others made for me. it all ends up the same. you end up alone and thinking about it all and a day you are supposed to be spending with someone whom loves you. but you realize there isnt anyone to spend a day like that with. and its pyschologically a hard day to make it through. even if you want to stay with the snide commerical application of cheezy cardboard valentines and stale peppermint candy hearts; the day just echos upon its empty self as a day for nothing other than being un-alone. so here i sit. but i guess as a kid growing up, i always knew how it would end up for me. i was never the one getting valentines. i was just the one that had to buy them for the other kids. rules and all dictated such. until i stopped about 3rd grade. no fancy valentines collection box did i make, nor did my pen grace a printed comic Archie poem. i sat in the back of the room. and i didnt get one valentine all day. twenty years later i think about how unfair it was. i think about myself at that age. but i never can remember whether or not i expected to get any of them. i just remember how it felt not having anyone else like yourself around you. kids would sing. play games. pick each others noses. all the stupid garbage little kids do. and i sat at my steel desk. which i remember had a screw that had backed out underneath of it, that would cut into the top of my thigh when i sat in it. i would sit there and scrape my leg over the head of the screw. and i would sit there. a part of me wants to say i was comatose for it. but i know i had to have been lucid. thank god, though, that i dont remember any of it. just sitting there alone, as the kids did some cupcake version of musical chairs. no teachers interjected. no kids offered to let me in. no one really ever noticed me sitting in the corner by the window that afternoon. thats what valentines day is like. unless you are on the inside... and youve got this great person that loves you for all immortality, then you are on the outside. outside the group. away from the closeness. pleading for despiration. but all together destitute. in the corner of the room. with no valentines to show for it. so tomorrow everyone will have sex. and cry and cuddle. and get flowers and stuffed animals of all sorts. i guess all i can hope for is that same desk and a screw sticking out. because thats all i have anymore. just myself. and the things that i remember.