people.


they fucking make you do the stangest things. so does love.



love.


for the longest time ive wanted to say something to a person. about love. and i couldnt do it. so here i am, on my last day here... the moving truck is here at 9am. and all i can think about is one person. not that i need to pack. not that i have no place to go. that i dont have any job. nothing else. one person. and i had a chance tonight to say what i felt. and i fucking blew it. dinner. driving around. a few hours at her place. i still couldnt fucking do it. looking at my watch knowing im on a countdown. comes time to leave. and were both standing at the door. and i cant say it. i just. i cant. the awkward silence. she looks at me. im looking at her. i babble. but i just fucking cant do it. and i hate myself.

and i left.

i closed the door behind me. and i walked out. and i didnt get to say what i wanted. i didnt get to say what i felt. i didnt get to say what i needed her to hear. i just walked out. i punched my fender. i got mad. and i drove. i ended up at home. and i was so pissed off at myself, i couldnt say anything straight. i complained to my friends. i complained to myself. and i hated it. i hated that in mylife this week, everything controls me. loans. jobs. housing. moving. leaving. i cant tell them all what i think. so i picked this most important battle. and i took some encouragement from my best friend.

and i went back out the door at 1 am.

i drove 30 minutes back to town. back to where i was a few hours before. and i sat in my car, i closed my eyes. i thought "what the fuck am i doing here" it was the worst thing i could do. offend people. get them out of bed. have the cops show up. what the fuck kind of crap am i thinking about getting myself into? thats when we think about people. we think about love.

i called her, without opening my eyes. and i kept calling her. until

"what do... wh.. what do you want?"

and then i just did it.

"you need to come down here right now, i need to talk to you"

"uhg.. ill. ill be down in a few seconds"

and i was scared. dont get me wrong. i was fucking out of my mind. because i was in control of one thing. one. i was in control of telling the one person i love, that i was in to her, just her, only her. and then she opened the door.

so i walked over. i grabbed both of her hands. then i let it go. and i dont know what i said. i lost track. im sure i was stupid. my grammar was terrible. i sounded like a mad man. so i said what i needed to. she was dazed. she also just woke up. and i dont even know how much of it she heard at first. so i just kept talking. i wouldnt let go of her. i just kept going. i just kept saying everything that came to mind. i told her the truth. i told her that i care about her. i told her "ive never met anyone in my life that could finish my sentences, and you did it three times tonig.." she said "tonight at dinner" and i told her how leaving wasnt my choice. i had to. but i wasnt leaving iowa without her. and when i said that i didnt want to leave earlier, i didnt mean my apartment; i didnt mean my job; i didnt mean the school; and i didnt mean her place so she could go to bed. i meant i didnt want to leave her.

it was silent.


i squeezed her hands. and i told her that i cared about her more than i ever wanted to realize. and i didnt know it until not long ago, when she left all weekend, and that was the first time i felt shut out without her. she quivered. but kept smiling. still half asleep i think. and i told her that i loved her, and that to me she was that special and that awesome as wed always joke about. she said "thats about the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. i think i want to cry"

so i hugged her. and i kissed her. and i didnt let her go for a few minutes. we just stood there in the wet grass, under the light pole by the fire door.


people.


and love.