Saturday, December 21, 2002

Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - Flashpoint

well my friends, its all come to an end, yet again. according to my calendar, we are shit out of days in this semester, and we can thankfully look forward to the new, and regretfully look back upon the old. i was trying to think of what to say about it all. couple people were pestering me about this semester, and how its all shaken out. im not sure. alot of things have come up and gone, some things never made the radar; and some stuff came out of left field and never went away. although ill write alot more on new years or so, about the entire year; i guess i can say somethings about this semester explicitly...

for one, i cant say much about my classes. i think ive had the worst attendance of any student in this university.. it was poor, even for my standards. somewhere around lmid/late october, the uselessness of it all hit me again. usually i can supress it enough to keep going infrequently; not this time. i stopped going mentally, if i did happen to wander in physically. its terrible of me. it kicked my ass in a few respects later on for it, but im most let down by how i can still slide by. sure, my GPA is crap... and getting worse, but i think i made it by again. nothing about these classes seemed to warrant my interest. not even the ones i picked as fun alternatives to class... even those got boring and laborious after a few weeks. nothing really that i wanted to spend my afternoons on. what did i? ARH. i sound like a fanatical madman, but i really think people never think twice to the amount of time ive logged in for it all, just this year= nevermind last year! if im not there, im thinking about it. if im not dealing with paper, someones talking to me about it. if its a day off, that means i can have 'fun' conversations with hall coordinators, students and staff. its depressing what my life has turned out to be; which is really nothing away from the organization. i owe it all to my sense of duty. it needs to be treated as a job; the organization needed the time and effort: it needed some respectability put back into it. maybe i havent done that; but ive tried. so many problems from previous years and boards; that this time was necessary. so i sacraficed that small part of me.... the part that is me. on my floor now i have bundles of paper, reams in size, all of articles and notes that need to be archived and sorted out. so much, that im loosing track of the piles... not the individual paper, but the piles! maybe it will all add up to something, to someone in the future.

people were a big change this semester. we started out the year with a plan, atleast all of us that live upstairs. we wanted it to be our tower, to have our group. we did that. for a while. after that it kinda fell apart. i dunno why. but it did. i doubt any of us would disagree about it. i guess, looking back on it all; it opened up the door for alot of other people to come in. several people int he 'group' now, werent around durring the original plotting sessions. but it was a definite change. also cant forget about the various hookups along the way, it was equally unexpected, yet undeiably destined to happen i suppose. but it all did change. me, myself? i met alot of people this year, been introduced to alot more; have several other people who i know can call friends. left alot of other people behind as well. somedays i really feel guilty for it. even if i just constrain it to the people that ive neglected just this semester. maybe i dont feel as guilty for that, as i do for sacrificing time with them/for them, and using it on other people. i think this semester brough alot of wasted time, wasted people into my life. lots of shit came up and became something that maybe wasnt deserving of my time, and i regret that. so if you are one of those people, that maybe i left off the hook... im sorry. really i am. if you happen to be one of the people i may waste my time on; dont make me feel that way. and for all the new arrivals and old friends; its been real. i guess ill leave it at that... i promise... a long, long, long introspective look come the end of the year. ive got alot of things to say about what its been. and i guess i see it as really being the end of the year, even though i have a few weeks to go. thats me being me, selling myself short, and cutting things off before they are done. two weeks can hold alot. in two weeks the entire wold can change; just a year ago we changed the world in a matter of minutes, and plastered it all over live tv for proof, so whos to say nothings going to change in the two weeks i have left? i do. i think the next couple of weeks is going to be me, lying low, doing nothing, sleeping in. i doubt anything will change. i guess, i dont want anything to change... i just want to make it through. just want to make it.

lifes been slow the past few days... hence no entries. its been a difficult time. for me, its all alot easier if i have things to pass the time with. when its slow, like it has been lately; everything just seem to drag on. when im idle; i sit on things alot more. i start thinking things out more [more than i usually do], and i start noticing little things that aggrivate me more, than when im busy enough not to notice it. the past week or so has seen like a month. that should tell you how bad its been. soper is probably right, it seems longer because we all spent alot of nights staying up, studying and doing exams. im no different; almost 3 days straight without sleep. then another 2 days solid for finals this week, and still never overcomp'd on my sleep. same schedule for the week, no naps, no nothing. that makes it go slow. time goes by very slow when your so tired of life; so tired of living in first gear. thats what it was like on sleep deprevation. first gear. everything is moving, the motor is just grinding away; your mind never stops thinking [because your making it do so], but everything seems slow... everything seems limited at about 15 miles per hour, no matter how hard you hit the gas pedal. yeah, i guess its like that. life just grinds along. days blur together, hours seem like days, cant even tell when a week passes... its too hard to count that long. it used to go fast. last year i remember having a conversation about it; about how fast time goes. one hall talk would last from midnight to breakfast; some IM conversations would go on so long as to break the program. its funny how things change like that, all within a semester.

as a minor programming note:::::::::::::::::::

ill be going home for break, now that classes are over. blog entries will probably be much less frequent because of it. if they are regular, then they will probably get posted all at once... so be warned. its not that nothings happening, or im neglecting my space. just dial-up sucks that bad. and so does using the family computer. relative to that; i will be around Davenport for nearly a month, so if anyone is in town, or is cutting through it, feel free to find me. likewise, i probably wont be on instant messenger alot. so, im sure some of you will go through withdrawl like i will; but in the event that you do; my cell phone is allways on. call me, or tell me to call you, thats all it takes. in the meantime; may God watch over us all:

and the Lord said; "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16.

an appropriate quote i picked up from my class this semester; until we all meet again

s.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - A Therapy For Pain

I welcome death with open arms
Her soft breath and simple charm
Wandering through memories
Takes my hand for me to see

Tried so hard
Tried so hard

Echoes of Innocence
Are my thoughts into dissent

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

When we finally reach the end
She lets go of my hand
Waking into realms of light
There will be no death tonight

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

--------------------

bad day doesnt suffice. i think i bombed 2 finals, that could end up being make-or break for me in both classes. one was 80% of the grade, the other was 25%... i think i did worse on the 25% one thank god. pisses me off the more i think about it. the exams werent fair, werent at all what i was expecting. and then it was just too much. no one should be forced to take a 4.5 hour essay exam, worth 80% of the final grade. its not right. cite everything my fucking ass. how are you supposed to cite "all applicable international law and treatise," its only a fucking intro course! she was living it up tho. she enjoyed watching me choke on it. really, she smilled when i looked up and slapped the paper back down in disgust. wieting wasnt much better. his pompous old fartself chuckled when kids started groaning. he didnt say anything when i realized id forgotten my calculator [on a math exam]; so i got the pleasure of doing 7 digit long division and 3 digit odd-number square roots all by hand. addition and subtraction is usually pushing the envelope for me. i fucking hate them both. they made exams that, even when i studied for them, i wasnt prepared for it. no to mention, i started at 8am this morning, was supposed to go to 12:30 with the law exam; but oh no; i have my stats exam at noon. upstairs boyd is an easy 20 minute walk from upstairs seashore. so either i stay on with the law exam, and be an HOUR LATE to stats [in a 2 hour exam slot], or i skip out of the law exam early, to make it to stats. i had to do the latter. i couldnt take the bullshit anymore. when i got to stats it was horseshit. i forced myself to think the change of scenery made all the difference; but it didnt. after i threw my exam back at wieting and stomped out, i spent the afternoon pissed off in my room... sleep deprived, angry, and now with shit horrible grades in classes that arent offered next semester for me to even repeat if i wanted to. not that id want a course by either of those pricks again. just there werent any options. punching the concrete wall in the dark for an hour straight was about all i could do to keep from loosing it. parents didnt say much. "im sure you didnt do that bad honey,"-mom "well i guess you should have stopped screwing around and studied" what are they supposed to say tho. maybe its my fault, but id like to think it wasnt. i wasnt AS prepared as i could have been. but then again, when the hell did i ever get the chance to do any studying. 2 massive finals on the same day, that overlap, that both required major papers 3 days before the exam to be done, on top of all the other shit that had to be done on deadline day, not to mention having other finals to study for. god forbid id like time to myself. so fuck it. i dont think im ever going to graduate from this shit hole. i hate this school. i hate my major. i hate the faculty. i hate the ciriculm. i hate the values. i hate the norms. i hate the students. i dont even know why im still here anymore, with days like today.

not like fuck else has really gone right in my life the past few weeks. nothing is more annoying than every last motherfucking friend you have, hooking up with everyone else. its absolutely incredible the depths of hatred someone has for me to do this to me. not only immerse me face first in shit, but then pack it around real tight. make sure to include every person i associate with, and just do it all at once. let them rub it in too. nothings better than rubbing cold fucking shit in someones face. lets fucking parade ourselves around; lets be happy because there is a 'we' for you. fuck them. fuck all of that shit. everyday i grow harder. the longer i have to deal with the constent shit like this, the less likely im ever going to be to change my ways, and its aggrivating. its aggrivating to have tables of people to eat with, to litterally one last person. so called friends dont even bother to inform me about dinner, they just off and leave [oh, maybe you all figure i just stopped eating] doesnt matter; i dont care. fuck you all. common, god damn descency between individuals is all i ask. i dont think theres ever been a night where if someone wasnt with us for a meal, i didn ask why, or go find them. never the same curteousy extended, never. ill wait an hour for people to come back from class, so they have someone to eat with... but it allways comes back to "scott who?" when you all have your turn. i dont get it. i also dont understand how all this inter-god damn-group fucking seems to change everything for us overnight. litterally, plans some of us have had for months, are now changed for these people... people we didnt even know 4 months ago; people that maybe in my mind, i still dont care to know. everything is tainted by the stench of incestual group courtship. it stinks of it. people dont even realize it i suppose. why would they, every last fucking one of them is happy. every last one of them has someone else. "aww sad" lets not think about who doesnt get picked. once all this shit started, i knew it wouldnt be good. people ive known for years, i dont even see anymore. i see the 'others', people ive known for maybe 2 weeks, more than the people ive known for years. and you guessed it, they have more importance, rank higher, and appear to be better company to replace me with. i guess thats fine. thats how you all want it. so dont bother whining about it to me, when you all fuck each others asses and windup covered in your own sickly shit stains. i wont listen. i wont be there to clean up the mess. i will not deal with it.

while im good and pissed, let me dedicate some other things: lots of people dont know how to have proper edicate in friendships. its proper to thank someone that does something for you. its common to say, "gee thanks" when someone gives you something. nah. im wrong again. that must be scott's rules... and the rule is scott who?, right? so that means; dont answer the person that talks to you, or that does an occasional nice thing for you. infact, just dont answer them ever. blow them off if they talk to you, yeah, just be guttless and do it that way. dont respect people. thats new rule 2. besides, you cant be snide to someone you respect. you cant wish them away if you respect their comments. and you certainly cant just ignore them, if you respect them as a person. better yet. if someone decides to suggest they care about you; dont listen to it. remember, the goal is not to deal with them. instead, make a rude comment to them at least twice a week. somehow, manage not to talk to them about anything on a personal level, just say something every 10 minutes, then leave. best yet, just put up an away message if they talk to you; yeah, thats how to do it! see, ive been taking notes from some of you. i try to be nice. i try not to let it get to me. i try to stay 'sunnyside up' and 'rosey cheeked' its not that i dont noticed it. its not that i dont see what youre doing. its that i expect better than that. its too bad, to think someone actually would go out of their way to talk to you; cheer you up on bad days, to know enough to just listen to you on good days; lets reward that. lets insult them. lets to do everything we can to degrade whatever might be there; and why not? our attitude has to be 'fuck that assclown,' besides, if we dont start now, well never have it perfected. so when that time comes, you can just all out embarress yourself with your own conduct towards another person. but thats where the practice comes in; youve allready written them off, for no reason at all, so now it will be much easier to do it. that how we can teach each other not to care about anyone. thats how you get where im at. thats how you KNOW when a situtation is exactly the way it is; because its all you ever see from people. well i guess i should just stop that. i guess i should just snip the wires that carry that kind of emotion, and litterally cut off those kinds of feelings for people. congradulations, horseshit immature antics, like yours, make it more difficult for you in the long run. someday, youll realize who your standing next to, and youll know its not what you could have had, if you didnt insist on playing by the new rules.

merry fucking christmas to you all; and to all a big fuck off!






Monday, December 16, 2002

Current Musical Selection: Gladiator Soundtrack - The Battle Theme

dont know what to say anymore. not sure what i want to talk about tonight... again, its one of those times where im finding myself awake at 5 in the morning, and im not quite ready for bed, but i dont want to stay up any later. and here i go again. yep. pretty much. nothing. comming. to me. nope. nada. nothing. cant think of. anything. to write. instead. i guess. ill just. play. with. periods. you all have. grown. accustomed to my. erroroneous. puncu. atio. n. ha.ven.t y.ou. ?

in the words my old highschool friend,

" homework sucks my balls "

studying for finals isnt getting me anywhere; in fact id guess ive played more video games than studying this whole weekend. to my advantage, i did study hard for one final, which i was expecting to come last week... the other two i dont have alot to study... i guess other than the entire text book and everything that was said in class. so, ive lulled my self in to my usual false sense of security. im sure when the lead hits the paper, im going to be mad at myself, as usual. finals are worthless in all respects except grades. only to grades and gradepoints do they matter. they dont test me on what ive learned; they dont show my instructors the mastery over the subject matter that should have been imparted on me throughout the course of the semester. instead, they make me fill out fucking bubbles. instead they make me write paragraphs about statistics. instead they make me cite court cases which we all know. its not showing me anything, and id argue its not showing the instructors anything. all they want is the answers, regurtated in the form presented to us; no spin, no unique idea, no exploration, just tell me what i told you, the way i want to hear it. then get your B- and go through that door. school in general is no longer a good determinate of what kind of person you will be, or how well you have learned the material. id like to think im not a bad person, and that ive learned something. but grading this way, just shows me that im not good at Iowa on their scales. their grading procedures places more emphasis on how often i show up and listen to their obscene filth; over how much i learn. they grade me on what they know, not on what i know. alot of times i find myself arguing during the course of an essay exam. im torn between writing the essay i want to write, and writing the answers they want to hear. my way jepordizes my grade [because appearantly that means i havent learned anything, duh] and their way leads to better grades. but i cant myself part with it. i always gut it out, and go with the bad choice. the choice they dont want. i argue it strong and fast. i argue my answer, knowing that each word is fighting the system they so richly believe in. and ultimately i can not be correct. but i keep writing it. they keep marking me down. again, appearantly i havent learned anything in my time here. i thought college would be about me learning the material, i thought it would be about me gaining a sense of self. instead, i learn what they tell me, to spit the same back at them on exams, then i learn that my way is wrong, in every sense of the word. its tough to be optimistic going into finals week. im sure not.

more later today...

s.