Current Musical Selection: Gladiator Soundtrack - The Battle Theme

dont know what to say anymore. not sure what i want to talk about tonight... again, its one of those times where im finding myself awake at 5 in the morning, and im not quite ready for bed, but i dont want to stay up any later. and here i go again. yep. pretty much. nothing. comming. to me. nope. nada. nothing. cant think of. anything. to write. instead. i guess. ill just. play. with. periods. you all have. grown. accustomed to my. erroroneous. puncu. atio. n. ha.ven.t y.ou. ?

in the words my old highschool friend,

" homework sucks my balls "

studying for finals isnt getting me anywhere; in fact id guess ive played more video games than studying this whole weekend. to my advantage, i did study hard for one final, which i was expecting to come last week... the other two i dont have alot to study... i guess other than the entire text book and everything that was said in class. so, ive lulled my self in to my usual false sense of security. im sure when the lead hits the paper, im going to be mad at myself, as usual. finals are worthless in all respects except grades. only to grades and gradepoints do they matter. they dont test me on what ive learned; they dont show my instructors the mastery over the subject matter that should have been imparted on me throughout the course of the semester. instead, they make me fill out fucking bubbles. instead they make me write paragraphs about statistics. instead they make me cite court cases which we all know. its not showing me anything, and id argue its not showing the instructors anything. all they want is the answers, regurtated in the form presented to us; no spin, no unique idea, no exploration, just tell me what i told you, the way i want to hear it. then get your B- and go through that door. school in general is no longer a good determinate of what kind of person you will be, or how well you have learned the material. id like to think im not a bad person, and that ive learned something. but grading this way, just shows me that im not good at Iowa on their scales. their grading procedures places more emphasis on how often i show up and listen to their obscene filth; over how much i learn. they grade me on what they know, not on what i know. alot of times i find myself arguing during the course of an essay exam. im torn between writing the essay i want to write, and writing the answers they want to hear. my way jepordizes my grade [because appearantly that means i havent learned anything, duh] and their way leads to better grades. but i cant myself part with it. i always gut it out, and go with the bad choice. the choice they dont want. i argue it strong and fast. i argue my answer, knowing that each word is fighting the system they so richly believe in. and ultimately i can not be correct. but i keep writing it. they keep marking me down. again, appearantly i havent learned anything in my time here. i thought college would be about me learning the material, i thought it would be about me gaining a sense of self. instead, i learn what they tell me, to spit the same back at them on exams, then i learn that my way is wrong, in every sense of the word. its tough to be optimistic going into finals week. im sure not.

more later today...

s.