Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - A Therapy For Pain

I welcome death with open arms
Her soft breath and simple charm
Wandering through memories
Takes my hand for me to see

Tried so hard
Tried so hard

Echoes of Innocence
Are my thoughts into dissent

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

When we finally reach the end
She lets go of my hand
Waking into realms of light
There will be no death tonight

Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard
Tried so hard

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bad day doesnt suffice. i think i bombed 2 finals, that could end up being make-or break for me in both classes. one was 80% of the grade, the other was 25%... i think i did worse on the 25% one thank god. pisses me off the more i think about it. the exams werent fair, werent at all what i was expecting. and then it was just too much. no one should be forced to take a 4.5 hour essay exam, worth 80% of the final grade. its not right. cite everything my fucking ass. how are you supposed to cite "all applicable international law and treatise," its only a fucking intro course! she was living it up tho. she enjoyed watching me choke on it. really, she smilled when i looked up and slapped the paper back down in disgust. wieting wasnt much better. his pompous old fartself chuckled when kids started groaning. he didnt say anything when i realized id forgotten my calculator [on a math exam]; so i got the pleasure of doing 7 digit long division and 3 digit odd-number square roots all by hand. addition and subtraction is usually pushing the envelope for me. i fucking hate them both. they made exams that, even when i studied for them, i wasnt prepared for it. no to mention, i started at 8am this morning, was supposed to go to 12:30 with the law exam; but oh no; i have my stats exam at noon. upstairs boyd is an easy 20 minute walk from upstairs seashore. so either i stay on with the law exam, and be an HOUR LATE to stats [in a 2 hour exam slot], or i skip out of the law exam early, to make it to stats. i had to do the latter. i couldnt take the bullshit anymore. when i got to stats it was horseshit. i forced myself to think the change of scenery made all the difference; but it didnt. after i threw my exam back at wieting and stomped out, i spent the afternoon pissed off in my room... sleep deprived, angry, and now with shit horrible grades in classes that arent offered next semester for me to even repeat if i wanted to. not that id want a course by either of those pricks again. just there werent any options. punching the concrete wall in the dark for an hour straight was about all i could do to keep from loosing it. parents didnt say much. "im sure you didnt do that bad honey,"-mom "well i guess you should have stopped screwing around and studied" what are they supposed to say tho. maybe its my fault, but id like to think it wasnt. i wasnt AS prepared as i could have been. but then again, when the hell did i ever get the chance to do any studying. 2 massive finals on the same day, that overlap, that both required major papers 3 days before the exam to be done, on top of all the other shit that had to be done on deadline day, not to mention having other finals to study for. god forbid id like time to myself. so fuck it. i dont think im ever going to graduate from this shit hole. i hate this school. i hate my major. i hate the faculty. i hate the ciriculm. i hate the values. i hate the norms. i hate the students. i dont even know why im still here anymore, with days like today.

not like fuck else has really gone right in my life the past few weeks. nothing is more annoying than every last motherfucking friend you have, hooking up with everyone else. its absolutely incredible the depths of hatred someone has for me to do this to me. not only immerse me face first in shit, but then pack it around real tight. make sure to include every person i associate with, and just do it all at once. let them rub it in too. nothings better than rubbing cold fucking shit in someones face. lets fucking parade ourselves around; lets be happy because there is a 'we' for you. fuck them. fuck all of that shit. everyday i grow harder. the longer i have to deal with the constent shit like this, the less likely im ever going to be to change my ways, and its aggrivating. its aggrivating to have tables of people to eat with, to litterally one last person. so called friends dont even bother to inform me about dinner, they just off and leave [oh, maybe you all figure i just stopped eating] doesnt matter; i dont care. fuck you all. common, god damn descency between individuals is all i ask. i dont think theres ever been a night where if someone wasnt with us for a meal, i didn ask why, or go find them. never the same curteousy extended, never. ill wait an hour for people to come back from class, so they have someone to eat with... but it allways comes back to "scott who?" when you all have your turn. i dont get it. i also dont understand how all this inter-god damn-group fucking seems to change everything for us overnight. litterally, plans some of us have had for months, are now changed for these people... people we didnt even know 4 months ago; people that maybe in my mind, i still dont care to know. everything is tainted by the stench of incestual group courtship. it stinks of it. people dont even realize it i suppose. why would they, every last fucking one of them is happy. every last one of them has someone else. "aww sad" lets not think about who doesnt get picked. once all this shit started, i knew it wouldnt be good. people ive known for years, i dont even see anymore. i see the 'others', people ive known for maybe 2 weeks, more than the people ive known for years. and you guessed it, they have more importance, rank higher, and appear to be better company to replace me with. i guess thats fine. thats how you all want it. so dont bother whining about it to me, when you all fuck each others asses and windup covered in your own sickly shit stains. i wont listen. i wont be there to clean up the mess. i will not deal with it.

while im good and pissed, let me dedicate some other things: lots of people dont know how to have proper edicate in friendships. its proper to thank someone that does something for you. its common to say, "gee thanks" when someone gives you something. nah. im wrong again. that must be scott's rules... and the rule is scott who?, right? so that means; dont answer the person that talks to you, or that does an occasional nice thing for you. infact, just dont answer them ever. blow them off if they talk to you, yeah, just be guttless and do it that way. dont respect people. thats new rule 2. besides, you cant be snide to someone you respect. you cant wish them away if you respect their comments. and you certainly cant just ignore them, if you respect them as a person. better yet. if someone decides to suggest they care about you; dont listen to it. remember, the goal is not to deal with them. instead, make a rude comment to them at least twice a week. somehow, manage not to talk to them about anything on a personal level, just say something every 10 minutes, then leave. best yet, just put up an away message if they talk to you; yeah, thats how to do it! see, ive been taking notes from some of you. i try to be nice. i try not to let it get to me. i try to stay 'sunnyside up' and 'rosey cheeked' its not that i dont noticed it. its not that i dont see what youre doing. its that i expect better than that. its too bad, to think someone actually would go out of their way to talk to you; cheer you up on bad days, to know enough to just listen to you on good days; lets reward that. lets insult them. lets to do everything we can to degrade whatever might be there; and why not? our attitude has to be 'fuck that assclown,' besides, if we dont start now, well never have it perfected. so when that time comes, you can just all out embarress yourself with your own conduct towards another person. but thats where the practice comes in; youve allready written them off, for no reason at all, so now it will be much easier to do it. that how we can teach each other not to care about anyone. thats how you get where im at. thats how you KNOW when a situtation is exactly the way it is; because its all you ever see from people. well i guess i should just stop that. i guess i should just snip the wires that carry that kind of emotion, and litterally cut off those kinds of feelings for people. congradulations, horseshit immature antics, like yours, make it more difficult for you in the long run. someday, youll realize who your standing next to, and youll know its not what you could have had, if you didnt insist on playing by the new rules.

merry fucking christmas to you all; and to all a big fuck off!