honestly always was my best policy.

i just dont care for it much now.

see. to be honest would need me to say more than i have to.

and i dont think i have to do anything more than i have to.

my life sucks. i dont think anyone would argue that long. im approximately 3 weeks from homelessness. and i have an exact number of 3 paychecks left. there isnt any jobs. none for me it seems. there isnt any place to go to. i most likely will sell off some of my stuff, and dump the rest in some storage lot, till i can get something figured out. but this isnt good. why does my life end up this way? college wasnt supposed to guarantee you a spot on the street... but thats what it did for me. and maybe homeless people have it better off than me... atleast in one respect... they dont have 20,000 dollars in debt tied to them... college did that to me. all this shit about building work experience. or working hard. or letting opportunity knock. its all a bunch of crap. i busted my ass harder than anyone else around me, and look where thats taking me to. its not a pleasant topic. nor am i in a pleasant mood. people dont like the sincerity of attaching someone to a plight. not just a someone, but a Someone. a person you know. i think two of them at work were ashamed to look at me when they asked me the final question, "what are you going to do... are you going to end up living in your car?" and my answer was. "if it has to come to that" like i have a fucking choice. oh sure. im sure the staff is friendly and room service is grand at that 5-Star deluxe joint up the road. the pleasantries money can afford. the niceties that arent afforded to all of us. money just buys insulation. innoculation. isolation. just some distance from it all. and ill be right in the middle of it. hows that for a pleasant thought?

reality isnt about being pleasant i suppose. its about being quaint. bumping elbows with anyone and everyone. people from the top of the pile... and people at the bottom of it like me. its all ebb and flow. its about moving between stations... and hoping something doesnt mix into a slurry. like being a 24 year old fuck up. having a college degree and no place to live. being the lone gunman at every occasion, standing alone as always on the knolls. being the one that gets ignored by choice. or being the one that gets treated disparingly. and why not. isnt that what we teach our kids about homeless people? dont well tell them they are dirty. loathesome. undesireable. isnt that what ive become.

dignity is that line that separates it. i guess. the line that calls out who fits that role, and who doesnt. but whats dignified about being a 24 year old loser. whats up and comming about the person that cant con a girl to dinner? what distinction do we give someone who isnt good enough for a job? what do you call the person that just is the opposite of together, by our standards?

its the person that gets treated like shit in every relationship running. the one who fears the world love. because love just brings more shit. and its been slathered on a bit too thick already. and forget for a moment that a person like that has any feelings left. theyve paid their dues in memories. but it just doesnt cash out to much. never take him seriously. always look for the cute worthless boy instead. decline an offer. ignore his hand thats opened. call him names. if you even choose to call him back. thats the way it should be, shouldnt it? shouldnt be that we feel sorry. we dont want to do anything out of pitty. and besides. that frat boy is cute anyhow. why waste the feelings on some scruffy 24 year old piece of garbage. it will rot and disappear soon anyhow.