fuck you blogger people...

your service upgrade bites... it ate my 2 page post for NO REASON. and you give no support.

pat 2

so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.

im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...

i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.

but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.

and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.

then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.

then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.

but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.

so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.

maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.

which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.

no music. just anger. unfettered. unchanned. anger.

this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.

what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?



part one

had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.

im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.

i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.

and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...