no music. just anger. unfettered. unchanned. anger.

this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.

what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?



part one

had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.

im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.

i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.

and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...