.... Of course, there are other rediculous things out there I could talk about.

I suppose something that makes me just shudder in the thought of how stupid its become: Reunion Tours. Yes. I'm talking about the tendency of all things musical to turnaround 9 years after they break up and do a money grubbing reunion tour. Or, tours. See. Kiss thought they were doing something original when they did it... by it, I mean the endless parade of reunion, last of, no more coming back, cash grab tours. But now its not only popular, but its probably expected. I mean, on the one hand, I am stoked about possibly going to see Ronnie James Dio with Black Sabbath errrrrrr Heaven and Hell; something smells a tad bit funky about it all... since they did this once before you know. Then there is Immortal. A horridly humorous black metal band that decided to come back and tour... some more. Which Immortal is only of note because of THIS, the single greatest music video evvvvvver! [or this version, set to the Benny Hill theme song!] Or a how about Audioslave splitting up, so that Rage Against The Machine can have their reunion tour, and the rumored Soundgarden reunion can happen. sigh. Its all becoming so tired. Even the "Alice In Chains" reunion, which ofcourse is missing one important person... seems rediculous... almost to the point of Iowa State Fair Grand Stand Show embarrassament... soon there will be a tour of the Jackson 5, with Tito and a few puppets... and maybe some boy Jacko molested, will wear the Captain Crunch jacket. its just bad... rediculously bad..

So in the news.... [trying to avoid the point that shit like this does seem to happen outside of Florida],I ran across this gem. And really how could I avoid it? It involves the elderly, improvised weapons, and a new Thunderdome attitude thats been lacking among the Social Security Sect of late....

Linked from QCONLINE.com.

Police: 76-year-old beat 81-year-old with hammer

Comment on this story

Photo: Submitted Richard E. Johnson

Davenport police arrested a 76-year-old man today, alleging he hit an 81-year-old woman in the head with a hammer.

Richard Edison Johnson, 76, a resident of the Davenport Lend-a-Hand complex at 401 w. 3rd St., is charged with attempted murder. Police say he hit Elizabeth A. Alwine, 81, several times in the head with a hammer after an argument in the building's smoking area. She also is a resident of the complex.

The incident occurred about 11:30 a.m.

Ms. Alwine was taken to Genesis East Medical Center, where she was treated and released. .

Mr. Johnson is being held at the Scott County Jail on $32,500 bond.

[end]


and in a breath.... FUCK YES. Old people knocking the crap out of each other at the 'home! YESSS this really is my dream come true. And only one thing could possibly make it better; the MUGSHOT GOODNESS! Complete with the shit eating grin that just smears... "I Really Have No Idea Where I Parked" God dammit! All I have to do is let people be people, and they will relieve the tension in my life for me. Old people, cursing, bag of hammers.... instant Thunderdome! Golden.

Oh. I learned a new word the other day. Errrrr noun, I should say. "Turd Spoon" Figure it out? See, I'd have made the assumption it was some sort of sexual slang; its not. Aunt Jemima showed up at the store the other day; looking for a new toilet. She plugged hers up. Now, I dont know about you, but I've had some nasty poops, but never have they been candidates for Disposeable Toilet status.... back to Turd Spoons. So she was asking me about the old one; naturally, since its plugged [and not with paper!], how does she do removal and installation. I scratched my beard, and looked away. She let the awkward silence sit for a second, then started mumbling about needing a pump or something to transfer it to the new one [and my goodness, why wouldnt you do such a thing?!?!?]; and looked me dead in the eye, and ask if I sold "Turd Spoons." I got that grin that I can get. That one thats half Grinch, half mother-fucker, and topped off in Raisinettes.... "I'm not sure I've heard of that, is that a brand name product?" I let fly... Well no, it wasn't. She didnt think. But something, I guess, exists in her mind, somewhat akin to a soup ladel, specially designed for turd transfers. She calls it a Turd Spoon. I call it, another freaking rediculous thing from menards.

I mean really... there could be a long list. But lets start with the Japaneese, shall we?

From This Article [copied below]

Slow Life, Slow Sex: Twelve steps to stopping sexlessness

[Using the masturbation technique, coupled with the Eye To Eye Step 3]

Dr. Kunio Kitamura was born in 1951. He graduated from Jichi Medical School and through his 30 years of research, is now the "voice of Japanese sexuality." Among his many books are "Shiawase no Sex (Happy Sex)," "Piru (The Pill)" and "Karada no Hon (The Body Book)."

Ending the undignified state of sexlessness isn't simply a matter of saying, "Right, let's go at it then," and racing off to the nearest bed. And even if you complain that masturbation is pretty ridiculous as it fails to give you somebody else's warm touch, it will never bring your spouse to your bed. It's pretty easy to see what lies behind the problem of middle-aged sexlessness -- communication. But communication problems are easy to talk about and difficult to solve. So that's where British zoologist Desmond Morris's 12 steps to ending sexlessness. There's no need to hurry. All you need to do is follow the 12 simple steps that lead to a final goal of having sex.

The first step is From the Eyes to the Body. Gaze at your partner until you start thinking, "Gee, that's a bit of all right." The second step is From the Eyes to the Eyes. Wait until your eyes meet, then stare at each other. If you feel uncomfortable, avert your eyes. Stage three is From Voice to Voice. Tell your partner about a great new restaurant and invite them to dine with you there. If they agree, you move on to stage four and touching. The next stages are From Hands to Hands, From Arms to Shoulders and From Shoulders to Waists. As the touching becomes more intimate, the amount of skin contact being made broadens. By stage seven -- From Mouth to Mouth -- you've moved on to kissing. Then, there's From Hand to Head, From Hand to Body, From Mouth to Breasts and From Hands to Genitals. Needless to say, the 12thand final stage is From Genitals to Genitals.

Some readers may see this process and think, "I don't have to go through all that rigmarole, do I?" or "Do I really need to be so touchy?" You shouldn't mention these things. Instead, why not take the opportunity to remember how you met your partner.

Shame, surprise, awakening, laughing and cry -- you once went through a whole lot of different emotions with nobody but your partner. The partner may not be somebody like (South Korean heartthrob actor) Bae Young-joon, but they are your partner, so why not go back to the beginning and try over again? I'm sure you'll find that if you do, you'll be in for a wonderful 2007. (By Dr. Kunio Kitamura, special to the Mainichi).

[end]

And if that doesn't scream to you, then you're dead inside. Scratch that... "obviously" is your genitals that are dead inside. Shame on you Dr. Nameless Japaneese Guy; you spent a career stratifying and mapping out what I called; HIGH SCHOOL. Eessh. Even the smack he lays out against masturbation... in typcial subtle Japanese explantion style.. "if you complain that masturbation is pretty ridiculous as it fails to give you somebody else's warm touch, it will never bring your spouse to your bed" Really? REALLY? Oh yeah. You're right. Thats probably why I'm stuck masturbating in bed by myself anyhow, because that wife of mine got mixed signals. I always figured, laying in bed, masturbating away, would do nothing but yield favorable increases of sexual encounters? What, thats creepy? Oh. Wait. Even Japan calls this absurd, Japan, home of 1039 men ejaculating on womens faces, Japan, home of the second most shit-porn consuming nation [second to Germany], even Japan, who finds old men bedding 9 year olds low brow, but legal, happens to find the practice of lying around expressing your masturbatory prowess; a poor attempt at a mating... I'm not sure where I drawn the line... at the Japanese social scientist researching this, or the mental image of a man laying in bed furiously masturbating away in hopes of attracting a mate--- errrrr a state of atleast mild un-sexlessness.... I'm not sure which is more absurd. Probably the masturbation thing. Probably.

Also, in my course of study.... err attempts at getting laid; Step 3 and Step 4, as identified, have always seemed a logical jump... Not so? Remember this is the Voice to Voice step, followed by the Touching Step. Got it. As he suggests, I should ask about a new restaurant, let them agree, then starting copping a feel. Got it. I honestly thing the masturbation thing might have more success. Really. I think I'll have better luck walking around masturbating, rather than waiting for this situation to work with someone, asking "Hey, have you eaten at Mongolian Grill?" ... "You HAVE?" ...[gropes].... [gets punched in the face]. See why this made the Things That Are Absurd post?

Keep in mind, somehow, that this is a 12 Step Program to remove Sexlessness.... 12 Steps also, oddly enough, rids alcoholism... I digress...

Oh... but there are more golden nuggets from the good doctor... "Shame, surprise, awakening, laughing and cry -- you once went through a whole lot of different emotions with nobody but your partner." Huh? I would say that honestly, if I found out the mating ritual involved masturbating on the bed, I think Shame, Surprsie, Awakening, and Laughing would all be emotions I'd feel. Its too good to pass up on this. Really it is... Anyhow... I'm going to ride out my luck with this masturbating thing.....

OUT