Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Soldier Of Fortune

so lied.. ill drop one more on you all before i leave....

" i have often told you stories about the way i lived my life as a drifter || waiting for the day when id take your hand and sing a song || then maybe you would say "come lay with me love", and then i would surely stay || but i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

very quiet around here tonight. just me and two others left on the floor... ones leaving early in the morning, and the other at noon. and here, i dont have any guesses when i even get to leave. some holiday this is. ive got meetings and things to tend to durring the day, long before i even get to assess my options for trying to get home. some holiday indeed. but i guess its more for people. im rarely considered in the same breath as other people. not alot else to say about that i guess.

" many times ive been a trav'ler, i looked for something new || in days of old, when nights were cold, i wandered without you || but in those days, i thought my eyes had seen you standing near... || though blindness is confusing; it shows that youre not here || now i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

packing isnt going so well. not really sure what i need to pack, or how much. i dont see any point to it. ill be around to do homework at home; and really thats about it. 3 papers due in a weeks time. plus an entire book to have read, and a quasi- fourth paper to have done for that. not to mention a killer 4 hour law exam the week i come back; and finals the week after that. really not alot of time to think about anything but that. makes it easier to pack then. hopefully i wont have the time to be worried about picking the wrong color of pants. i really shouldnt have time to worry about anything else other than school. but i guess i find time to manage.

" yes i can hear the sound. the windmill is going round. || i guess ill always... be a soldier of fortune. "

looking back in silent solitude, i guess i cant say i ever did anything right. i cant say i ever handled any one thing exactly the way i should have. i guess ive always kept thigns moving, and never took much time to think about it all. alot of times, thats worked out well in my favor. maybe this time it doesnt seem so good. i have always wanted to say i did everything right, and i did everything the way i wanted to... no regrets... no doubts... i cant say that for sure now. i sit and think what happened to me; and i really cant find an answer. im sure there were points of lucidity in there; but i cant recall any. its one stream of 'moments' linked together... everythings episodic, and only now can i sit and think of more long term things---after ive forged my way ahead. usually at thanksgiving time, i send out an email to people; and say something to each of them about what they mean to me. i say usually. i didnt this year. i didnt send them to anyone. and i dont know why. i suppose its not that people suddenly dont matter to me... and it not that ive never sent thigns to people that i shouldnt have [God knows id love to un-send some of those emails, now that i think about it in retrospect] but this year, i dont know... this year has been different on me. ive seen alot of things come and go. not a one of them have left me very happy when theyve left.

its not really anything to be sad about or to cry over, or to call a therapyst about... but in the past year or two, ive really gotten the hell beat out of me. not physically. though some days it fees like it. and other days id pray for it. id pray just to get my ribs kicked in, if it would change things; if it would change the way i would have done something; if it would change the way i worded something; if it would change the way i would have responded. no amount of abuse will change those things now. no matter how nice it might feel to hurt myself over it, it wont do any good. because, atleast if i did... id have something to show for it all. i dont now. i all have is wounded pride; low expectations, and a grounded sense of reality. something all of them were allowed to do without. and as all these people are in bed, and sleeping. sleeping safely near the arms of people who love them, in sheltered comfort. i sit here. out of reach, and maybe out of touch with it all.

i tried to ask myself, what i had to be thankful for. and yes, aside from the things we should all be thankful for; family, shelter, security; i came up drawing a blank. all that kept comming back to me was the laughter of the past. the cold mocking voices, the uncertain silence between two people. the unfettered, unrequetted ambitions and desires of one person; all just seem to be in the distance. i could say i value my education. but i dont. this school is worse to me everyday; and ive done nothing but put back into it. i spend my time, and my free time in it, to improve it, honestly saying i am a part of it. and its done nothing for me, but increase my debt. i could say i value my friends. but i dont as a whole. alot of these people dont want me around, dont value me. im a person of convienince; a person of proximity; and a person of last resort. so much so, its hard for me to discern who are my real friends and who arent anymore. so then i could say that i value my friendships. the intangilble from the tangible. what makes friends special, are the frienships... the bonds the kinship you have between you. maybe i do a little. some of them atleast. some times though, i question those. i question the friend, and then i find myself questioning the friendship... much like i did earlier this week. now maybe i dont have either of those. i could say i value my lover. but i dont have one. so i dont. i dont even value those that once were. they all, in the end; never valued me. and thats where it gets hard. i sit and think alot about this, when none of you are around. and i question what i have to be thankful for; and i cant make the list short enough some times, and sometimes.. i cant make a list. life is ironic that way. in much the same way that we say our well wishings to each other when departing. its ironic to me that the ones that may mean the least to me, go out of their way to say something to me before they leave... while the ones that may mean the most to me, refuse to say anything to me. im not so sure what to make of it. im not so sure i should make anything of it. but in time, im certain that i will.

in time im sure i can make anything certain. time too is ironic. as it draws near, i recall myself saying words a year ago, that still i wonder why i said. i said at my birthday; as my wish for myself.. that i will find someone that will mean something to me, and that i will mean something to them. now that its time is almost expired; i can tell you with the irony, that is life, that im quite possibly farther from that now, than i was a year ago. sometimes even i wonder about it all. about the irony of life. about the inherent flaws and fallability of our dreams, and how life sees to those weaknesses. sometimes even i wonder about what i should be thankful for, from the despair and the emptiness of my solitude, even i know that i do have something to be thankful for.

" ill always be.... a soldier of fortune "



.

***slight programming note****
durring the next few days i probably wont be making any posts. ill be home for thanksgiving; and im sure its not that i wont have anything to say or anything going on; its just i really need a break from life at this point... everything and everyone has really worn me down. im hoping to be able to get away from alot of it. but; i know i do have many of you loyal viewers, and i dont want to dissappoint; so if something comes up ill do my best to put it up... otherwise, i expect my semi-regular posting habit to continue again approximately monday or so....


Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - I Dont Know Why

this is a great song. yeah, period. lately ive gotten into alot of his stuff; its all classical blues stuff, played by a local guy [from Waterloo], and it just makes great "soul music" as someone called it the other day. just another set of songs and chords that i can identify with. maybe its just the mood ive been in, but it just sets in well with me. ill put up a low, low quality version of the song if youre interested in hearing it. although i dont like giving away the music; its a small time local guy, that you just arent going to find any of his music; and this is a pretty crappy quality copy; good enough to listen to, but bad enough i wouldnt try making it a cd... the song is about a 1 meg; [watch out for those of you on modem] but its 4 and a half minutes.. so that tells you the quality i ripped it at... listen to it. maybe it would make good background music while you read everything else on here. [post edit - incase anyone is wondering about where to get his cd's from; msg me or email me and ill give you some contact information for him--S.A.] <- - - click me for music - - ->

enjoy his music. i do.


" i left my home, back in '71 || shook hands goodbye with everyone || now i am a broken man, just one thing i dont understand || i dont.. know why, why i said goodbye "


the last few days have been rough. its been a big game of what to do next; and how to please everyone but scott. i hate it. its not something i like to admit; but i do end up doing things for other peoples benefit from time to time... and i sincerely do not like being responsible for causing problems for people. so to the few that matter [and they know who they are] i will say im sorry for making complications. i am.

but its something i had to do. its something that i had to say. something that, to me maybe, its important that it gets said. for alot of reasons, i had to do it. some of them are my reasons, and some of them ill share. most importantly its that issue of a friendship being uneven. it doesnt feel like a level field; it always feels like im the one that has to run up hill... and that wears you down. and secondly; its how steep the grade is. really, they way i look at it: how much does it mean to me. alot. admittedly, more than it should; and i dont know why. but to me, its just not right to have to feel like everything is slanted, steeply, against me. it just doesnt sit right. and so i asked. and even then, i dont know if the answers i got did it for me. you tell yourself the samething, and it doesnt sound right; so why doesnt it sound like there is anything behind it... why is it i just cant believe you when you answer me. i dont know why i dont. lastly, for me its about knowing that im not certain how i feel. i know i should feel one way, but im not sure i do. i hate myself for that. really. i get up in the morning; and i expect myself to make decisions. the whole fucking day, i do nothing but that. but when it comes down to one; one fucking small, insignifficant, little choice; i cant do it. i just cant make my mind up. i should be able to. and i cant. i want to. lordy i want to. i want to know that ive got just that one easy option to stick with. but i dont know that to be what i want. i dont know what i want. i just know that im not fully happy with how it all is. im not happy with myself carring about someone more than they could care about me again.


" i had a good job, made good money || had a good friend, she called me honey || now i am; feelin' sad. dreamin o' what i once had || and i dont know why, i said goodbye "


its not a feeling i ever liked. and i sat and thought to myself, that ive never had a relationship with a female thats ever turned out to be half way civil and descent. and i cant understand why. god, i try to be a good friend... it just never works. i try. i try so hard. and in the end; i just get left behind. its not that i dont try, its not that im not flexible, its not that i dont care... i think that once i establish a relationship with someone... and im talking a real, solid, meaningful relationship. they cant handle it. they cant do it. to them, they can only do something even remotely like that with a boyfriend, or a love interest. and thats never me. its tough sometimes like that. its tough to want to put your feet back in the water after an incident like that. even after you break the rules. the last time it happened; the system didnt break down first; i broke down first. i was the one that caved to it. i was the one that couldnt handle just being friends. i was the one that said i had to have it another way. and she was the one that got left in a bad position. but in the end. it was me that ended up with bad blood. see, i wasnt content with friendship with her. i wanted more; i felt more, and i told her. and im the one that paid for it when it was over. im the one that ended up without her as a friend, and still never got her as anything more than that. thats why i hesitate over this. it makes me want to reconsider saying or doing anything... its not that im in love. maybe its that i do love. and that i know that, absent being loved, its going to lead me to the same spot again. the spot where im going to get left short handed. but so fucking what if it did? so fucking what if it lead to that? i couldnt think of any better way to do it-- i couldnt think of any better way to fall in love, than with a person you already cared that much about. ... but i was wrong then. and i guess im still wrong. people dont want that. people dont want me. and thats ok. thats something i cant argue. thats something i dont have much to do with. its that this time; i wanted to know that. i wanted to know if i could care about someone, and not have to be concerned with them carring back. but i found out otherwise. maybe i didnt. maybe; and this seems stupid; maybe i didnt learn anything, maybe all i did was ask questions that only made someone mad... not at the answers, but mad at me for questioning it all. i guess im sorry if thats the case. im not sure that it is. im not sure of anything anymore. i really feel myself starting to slip some days. starting to slip in what i know and what i do. times like this, i guess i have lost it. i have lost touch with reality. ive forgotten what its like to be there. ive forgotten what its like to want anything. ive forgotten what its like to have anything like that to be proud of. its been so long. its been so long since ive had a normal person carring about me in my life, that i just cant remember what its supposed to be like any more. maybe we all have.


" i used to go home, sleep in my bed || then all of my troubles, would leave my head || tears and regrets, forever more || dryin my eyes, and walking the floor || and i dont know why, why i said goodbye "

Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Blues Juice
[dont bother looking this one up, you wont find it! ask me to hear it sometime... some great homegrown blues, in the classic style]


anger management.
im bad at being angry. i guess i dont have any real way to show any steps of anger, besides being furious. so what happens when you dont want to show someone your mad, or they leave before you can be mad? well, i left. i got so fed up with this constant shit, i had to leave. thats it, zip gone. and i returned to the time-tested friend of 'alcohol' to see me through it all. its a horrible way to do things. kids, dont be like me. im not going to make it seem bad, i didnt even get tipsy/buzzed/light headed but its not a mechanism that should be used. when youre mad, you need to tell someone. i dont always do it well. tonight i did, tonight i told Mr. Guiness, and several of the Pints about it all. they didnt have much to say back to me. but i guess thats good. they listen to me. they ought to, i paid good money for their time. besides, they dont believe in making me mad, only in helping me through my problems. yeah. that sounds like something a raging alcoholic would say. again, i stress that im not that bad. but it was necessary. ive got to have some way to resolve it all. i want to scream sometimes. if people only knew what id like to say, id like to think i wouldnt have any of these problems. which is funny. i dont think i know any person that would describe me as "quiet" or "shy"; yet, for me now, its a serious problem of not getting to say what id like to say. thats what makes me mad. time after time; day after day; it just builds. getting rid of it... thats anger management for me. its bad when it happens. it means ive let it go too far. ive let it get to me. yeah. anger management skills.


change of pace
going out isnt something i do. i did that. ive been out, ive tried that route, and none of it appeals to me, or gets me what it does for other kids i guess. so i dont. and when i do, its because i have to get out; because i have to get away from everything. and so i did. i disappear to one of several places that i frequent for this reason. dont worry, youll never find me if you look. even if you knew where to go, and when id be there; if i see you, i walk right out the door. getting away from people is what i have to do sometimes. sometimes, its just a necessary change of pace. walking with a skip instead of a strut. while i was there, i heard some wonderful music. [yes, its also interesting how in this dejected state, hearing the blues cheers me up] and i had some good think time. i thought alot about what im doing. alot of times i had to answer myself with 'i dont know' because i dont. i really dont know what im doing anymore. i know that what i dont want is whats happening now. i know that its time to change things. im due for a change of pace.


conflict resolution
i think in life we all want answers. answers are usually whats in short supply. sometimes it just might be where to go next, or what color shirt do i wear; usually, they are trivial. but sometimes you hit a genuine question; that you need an answer to. it seems like those are the ones you can never answer yourself. seems like you need to have other people think about it too. which is truely ironic. maybe on a decision about your personal feelings, you have to consulate someone else. and thats funny... i mean, what the fuck would they know about you, and how you think, and anything like that. but you do it. and so did i. just like it should, an answer comes back to me. just like you could have guessed; its probably not the answer you wanted to hear. this time i wasnt so sure. it could be the right answer. it could really be, that i "shouldnt waste my time on it" and i should just "move on and do other things that are worth it" as the answer was phrased to me tonight. im not so sure. im not doubting that its probably right. im just doubting whether its the answer thats best for me. its probably right. but part of me wants to keep going. part of me wants to stop and just think it through. just think of what could be, and what couldnt be. then balance it out. pick whatever seems right for me based on that. pick whatever is going to get something. conflict resolution. make it end. stop the insanity of this inbetween shit; and cut me an answer. but thats not quite how it works. its never as simple as pressing a button and getting what you want. its takes alot more than that to make it through the day.


and in the end?
so im not sure. what i want to do is think about it. explore what my options are. but that ultimately is taking action that is probably not going to end up in my favor. it just wouldnt. maybe if it was picking out what color shirt to wear, id feel better about putting them all on the bed and trying them all on. but not for this. see, what im stuck on is what i should be thinking about other people. how well on the scale of humannity and friendship, should i let them rank? if i even explore the options of where to go; im allowing myself to think its possible to rank them higher. but based on what ive been shown; thats not the case. what probably is true: You dont give a shit less about me than any other random person. You might lie and tell me you do; You might tell me alot of these things, that You might not tell anyone else about... but You dont care about me. and its really up to me to push that or not. it frustrates me alot to think about it... so i havent. i keep myself from even wanting to think about it, because i know the answer to it. so really in the end, where does this leave me at? yeah, poor old me. sitting back 3 paces from the starting line. what do you do? i dont know. all i know is tonight was about me letting go of the frustration you cause me, the frustration that you may never know about.

ain't it fun~
s.