Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-

A Simple Dedication

as I’m writing this I know that I’m at least 3 days behind where I should be... its not that my thoughts aren’t lingering back to that day... its just that the days keep moving on and I’m left with little time to sit and recall what I would have liked to have said then. I’m talking about a one month anniversary... sure, in the grand scheme of things a month really doesn’t account for very much... but this month has shown me quite a few things that I haven’t learned in any other ordinary period of 30 days.

I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.

so now I’m sitting around waiting for these calls; yes waiting; and I’m trying to find out why. why do I now, of all times in my life, want to be ratcheted down to a relationship. of all the things that I could be doing, this is quite possibly one of the most unproductive expenditures of time that I could be involved in. they always lead me to heartache and denial; let alone wasted time and money. and here I sit. not only awaiting it, but eagerly awaiting it... and in my own mind that makes all the difference. but it’s also THE difference. as much as I might like to think the things everyone tells me to; I still cant. I still can’t see this time as being a waste of time. although to my credit, I've have more than my share of mishaps, and many of them, I thought, started out as good intended efforts, that at the time seemed right. but not really like this. this time it’s all different. and I suppose the purist in me would argue that every time is indeed different... but this one more so... this one is uniquely different. for once, I think, there is actually another human being on the end of all these feelings... not a monstrosity that’s looking for self fulfilling satisfaction; not an attention whore, looking to hook the newest John on the street, and not even the lackluster face from the crowd that’s not even concerned about the outcome... instead she’s none of the above, yet she’s all of them at the same time. that’s why it’s all so very different and unique this time.

originally my intention was to sit and place out my thoughts about this person. its difficult, I must admit, to sit and focus in an area entirely devoted to my thoughts and my feelings, to sit and write exclusively about someone else. I’ve done it before I suppose; in many of my veiled ways; and some not so... but always for the pressing reasons of anger, spite and deliverance that I’ve grown accustomed to; when expressing some desire to vocalize about another human being. but right now that’s not that case.. its not a question of it being a coping strategy, or attention getter... its more of a question of debt. I need to. I think I owe her this one. because all the time I constantly hear from her how she loves me more than I could ever know, or how she misses me more. It’s not a question of simply stating it, or of creating the emotion.. she genuinely feels that way.. and I believe her. the problem is, how can I get her to believe me, when I say that’s not necessarily the case..... how is it your are supposed to be able to convince, thoroughly, another human being of like mind and rationality, that you too desire to be near them and a part of their life.. and being a part of that life is important to your own. its not something Hallmark talks much about... even Dillbert hasn’t ventured into this realm... so I’m stuck without man's two handiest weapons to address the situation with: preconceived and packaged thought [courtesy of someone else smarter than me who was able to make sense of this or a similar situation] or humor... mans ultimate standby. no matter how horrible something might be; man finds a way to laugh his way through it and carry on... but I cant do that. I can’t sit and laugh at her... nor would I want to.. and really nothing would quite express what I should and want to say. so now you see the dilemma.

the best place to start with all of this is probably back at the beginning of it all... and really id rather not discuss it all... I haven’t even taken the time to discuss everything like this with her yet... let alone make it clear in my head. but I probably ought to come clean about some aspects of my past... namely the horrible past I’ve had with relationships. never once have I been in the position that I’m in; one that says I’m happy and enjoy where I’m at. never have I felt completely at ease in a relationship. I suppose that’s not truly accurate here=== there are definitely times when I’m on edge, there still times when even I refuse to let my guard down. but on the whole; I can. and I do. that’s never been something I could say that I’ve been able to do before.

well I’ve now spent a great deal of pixels chattering on about nothing... see how I circle around the topic? I’m nervous about saying anything, because I know that what ever I want to say isn’t going to come out right; and nor will it do it justice to what I want said. not to mention that maybe I’m not supposed to be thinking what I am, or feeling as I should. content doesn’t cover it. I am happy. but I know it can’t last. in true fashion, more and more things keep coming up in conversation that leads me to say that its going to be very difficult to maintain all of this. I should have figured long ago; that even if I were to somehow gain something truly good for myself [and truly good for someone else], that it too would be whisked away at the worst possible moment- that time when I’ve begun to latch on to it. maybe it will; but I hope that it won’t. not this time at least.

id like to be able to write a poem or something sappy and shitty, that oozes feelings like blood from the heart... instead I’m adept at scrawling away in pure prose... and even its quality is debatable. again, void of the tools or even the voice; much less the monument or the song of which to give to someone in appreciation. obviously I don’t have the words to describe it all, nor do I have the time to attempt to put any of it into words... so I should stop trying.

so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.

so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.