Not that I'm anointing myself as such, but the Fashion Police should be out in force. Why? It's just something that I'm really starting to notice now, the longer I'm stuck in crowds of old people. It's.... Almost a ''holier than thou" approach to dress, but worse; its the method of attempting to be MORE poor/podunk/humble THAN THOU. After a wonderful night at the symphony, on Friday, I couldn't help but sit and laugh the more I saw of it. It was wide spread; consisting mainly of old men with nothing better to do that dress ridiculously and go out into public view for the evening. And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury;








Exhibit A.



the ivy cap.

aka the driving cap.

aka the newsboy.



Its ugly. Its stupid. Even my dad has one, but I haven't seen him wear it in years. In some cases, the cap and the bill are stitched together, in others, ridiculous as it sounds, there is a snap to be done/undone. It is most popular in black, tan, black/white herringbone, or brown tweed colors, but the odd mint green, or navy blue model is apparently made as well. The functionality of the hat is unknown. The bill is really shaped too poorly to shade much sunlight, and it lacks an extended brim to ward off rain or snow. It exists purely as a status symbol. "Status of what," is my question! The most I can really come up with, as a historical relevance, comes from the era of the late 1800's through 1940's, where this particular head wear is seen on working class and tradesman as a dress approach [ie The Lennox Heating/Air Company logo] [or the host of PBS's The Woodwright's Shop]; and most dominantly on youth conscripted into hawking papers on the street corners. Today though, this is an extremely popular choice of men over 50. I lost count at 25 of these; on people in suit coats, windbreakers, flannel, and sweatshirts; but all over the age of 50 [or more], facial hair tended to be mustaches only. Even as a hat person; I can't fathom why this hat is popular. Even when worn by Samuel L. Jackson, I can't allow for it on my head! [and he only wears it backwards... possibly to deny wearing one!] The hat channels, I guess, the by-gone era that people never lived in. People my dad's age have no reason for it. Everyone that wore one with the times, was dead before they were born, or were old enough to know it was no longer fashionable. Proper men's hats in general were no longer popular after Kennedy was elected; whom I now blame for eliminating only the good hats from society; we are now stuck with beggars and hangers on: cowboy hat guy, beanie with propeller clown, ivy cap idiot, and baseball cap [both genus: cappus ball sporticus [or sports/team related hats], and cappus ball noveltitum [including stuipd slangs and logos, hats advertising vacation destinations, and various veterans hats filled with pins], with various styles of ass clownery still attempting to thrive [hippie hat, assorted holiday hats, special event hats, random souveinier hats.] Exempt from my rants are: military duty hats, protective head wear, and true historic hats serving living history needs, and I suppose... real cowboys. Sadly enough, this includes the Village People.








Exhibit B.



The suspenders:


Clip On variety,


and


Novelty variety.




These are noted by extreme widths [often more than 1.5" wide], purely elastic, with gargantuan chromed clips. Several varieties exist; all related to the same family, but different due to number of yokes. Most would agree to have 4 yokes [two front, two back], but 3 yoke is popular in the elderly circuit [two front, one back]. Also noted are the extremely rediculous 2 yoke [one on each side, with a loop that encircles the shoulder; really... its a back-bra people!]. Suspenders [or braces], are a direct lineage to a time when belts were unknown to man, whom obviously emerged from caves with unibrows and swatches of red cloth clipped over each shoulder to hold up pants. Seriously? Suspenders are the modern descendent of bib overalls, which include the suspenders as functional necessity [yet curiously some still are made with belt loops!]. Suspender systems are popular [and very useful!] when utilized to distribute heavy loads across the body, in military and hiking situations, as well as construction. In the modern era, we define each man to use ONE, and only ONE article of pants restraint; to the elderly two are common at all times. For reasons unknown [See John Lithgow, as Exhibit B]. Belts are problematic for obese people, as well as men who deposit large weight at the midsection; when pants are pulled up to a point [think of the equator on a globe], they will slowly droop or settle lower and become far too loose; resulting in belt tightening to the point that it restricts bowel function. Now, personally, I love suspenders. I have 3 pairs that I never wear. Because I never have an excuse to wear them. Got it? But ALL of them are button in. Why? Clips are ridiculous. Clips look ugly. Clips ruin pants. Buttons are built in. Buttons are probably tailored. Buttons don't hop into your pants, like chinsey clip on suspenders from Kmart. Suspenders [aside from military, hiking and construction usages] reek of a boeme nature for most people. Think Amish. However, even they have the good sense not to use rainbows, or clips.



I reserve my last Exhibit, for later rebuttal.