addendum::::

just after writing the last entry, i decided to check my email... i dunno why, but i did. then i accidently hit the 'saved mail' button on outlook... and i find myself staring back at some mail thats two years old... dated today. i didnt want to read it. i allready know what it said. but i did. i couldnt avoid it. i made myself stop looking at it adn try to go to sleep... and i tried but i couldnt. i just lay awake trying not to think, and i found myself thinking more about it.... so i find myself here again...

people always ask me, what happened that made you so bitter... it takes alot. it takes a lot to bring someone down, and id like to think it takes a hell of alot to get to me... so what kind of shit can you actually do to get to Scott... realize there was much, much more than this, but how about just one excerpt that i cant stop thinking about, thats staring me cold in the face...

" October 16th, 2000

Scott~

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I received your gift and I thought it was very sweet...but unnecessary. I don't think it was appropriate for you to give me anything like that. I know that you have feelings for me, but you have to know that I don't share those feelings, and I never will, and never with you again. When you give a person something it is usually to try and start a relationship with them. We can't have that...I can't have that... and I don't want that. You are nothing that I would ever want in my life, and you just cant seem to understand that no matter how I try to tell you. I honestly don't know why you do what you do. I've moved on. ------- is better than you ever will be, and nothing is going to change that, no matter how much you hate it or wan't it to change. I'm not attracted to you, and I dont know why anyone ever would be. I know that you will probably be angry with me for writing this but I needed to say these things. These are my feelings and I'm just letting you know how I feel. I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful. But I have to now. "

its been a long, long time since id read that. i can honestly remember the feeling of my heart hitting my feet when i read it. i knew she meant it. and im sure if shed even talk to me today, shed tell me the same thing. that i am nothing, and that i am never going to be better than the alternative. its not something i try to think about anymore. its just something you put in the back pocket, and go about your day with. and should the need arise, you can pull that out and refer to it, and then everything makes sense.

its tough reading that i know. im not sure why i posted it... i guess its just something i figured id put up here for everyone to maybe understand me better. i threw out a lot of stuff like that. she had written me off and on alot like that. most of what i said was equally nasty in places. but that was the woman i loved at the time. and i still dont get it. i guess i dont understand how you spend all your time, and you do everything right, and you get bit in the ass like that. she had been hospitalized for something or other, and really wasnt doing too well... as soon as i found out where she was, i skipped my classes, hitched a ride home with some guy i dont know, just to make it back to see her. when i got to the hospital she was gone. she wasnt at home or at her dorm. she wasnt dead either. appearantly she got released, although i disagree with the doctor who signed it... so she gets heavily sedated and medicated, and goes home to drink and party in time for homecomming. i felt pretty used. id come all that way just to see her, and i find out that shes out drinking and partying, and ends up going into convulsions and vommitting, passing out and having random men strip her and put her in bed [atleast thats how she woke up]. i didnt know what else to do. so i left the present i bought for her at school. it was a big stuffed gorilla, because i knew she liked monkeys alot. and thats the letter i got back from her for it. no mention of me doing the right thing, or being thanked for it. no mention of gee that was sweet of you, but wrong. just, my new boyfriend is better than you ever were. she and i actually talked after this... months later. still didnt get any appology for it. she just glossed past it like nothing happened.

and this was only one episode of many, many between us. and she was the one i really thought was it. i could see myself with her forever. and instead, i wind up thinking about it forever. i never truely understood what went wrong. i tried to do everything right. so i guess i should feel so bad when i look around, and try to do what i do, and i get struck down. because i can remember a time when; even when i did everything right... i still got fucked. and that haunts me. i cant always remember the words, but i can remember her voice. i can remember being told things. i can remember good times and bad. i can remember feeling so low, after something like this, that i didnt even know how to feel. and i can remember making her so happy at times shed choke back tears. not that i made her happy very often it would seem. no, what i did learn from these memories is exactly what she told me... that id never be better than the replacement, and im probably nothing anyone would ever want in their life. thats something that sticks with you. thats something that hangs in your head in the dark, and keeps you from sleeping. alot of times you let it roll off your back. but some nights, it keeps you from sleeping agian.

s.

Current Musical Selection: Zakk Wylde - Spoke In The Wheel

"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "

weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.

i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.

i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.

if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"

i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.

" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "

other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.

ain't it fun~
s.