addendum::::

just after writing the last entry, i decided to check my email... i dunno why, but i did. then i accidently hit the 'saved mail' button on outlook... and i find myself staring back at some mail thats two years old... dated today. i didnt want to read it. i allready know what it said. but i did. i couldnt avoid it. i made myself stop looking at it adn try to go to sleep... and i tried but i couldnt. i just lay awake trying not to think, and i found myself thinking more about it.... so i find myself here again...

people always ask me, what happened that made you so bitter... it takes alot. it takes a lot to bring someone down, and id like to think it takes a hell of alot to get to me... so what kind of shit can you actually do to get to Scott... realize there was much, much more than this, but how about just one excerpt that i cant stop thinking about, thats staring me cold in the face...

" October 16th, 2000

Scott~

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I received your gift and I thought it was very sweet...but unnecessary. I don't think it was appropriate for you to give me anything like that. I know that you have feelings for me, but you have to know that I don't share those feelings, and I never will, and never with you again. When you give a person something it is usually to try and start a relationship with them. We can't have that...I can't have that... and I don't want that. You are nothing that I would ever want in my life, and you just cant seem to understand that no matter how I try to tell you. I honestly don't know why you do what you do. I've moved on. ------- is better than you ever will be, and nothing is going to change that, no matter how much you hate it or wan't it to change. I'm not attracted to you, and I dont know why anyone ever would be. I know that you will probably be angry with me for writing this but I needed to say these things. These are my feelings and I'm just letting you know how I feel. I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful. But I have to now. "

its been a long, long time since id read that. i can honestly remember the feeling of my heart hitting my feet when i read it. i knew she meant it. and im sure if shed even talk to me today, shed tell me the same thing. that i am nothing, and that i am never going to be better than the alternative. its not something i try to think about anymore. its just something you put in the back pocket, and go about your day with. and should the need arise, you can pull that out and refer to it, and then everything makes sense.

its tough reading that i know. im not sure why i posted it... i guess its just something i figured id put up here for everyone to maybe understand me better. i threw out a lot of stuff like that. she had written me off and on alot like that. most of what i said was equally nasty in places. but that was the woman i loved at the time. and i still dont get it. i guess i dont understand how you spend all your time, and you do everything right, and you get bit in the ass like that. she had been hospitalized for something or other, and really wasnt doing too well... as soon as i found out where she was, i skipped my classes, hitched a ride home with some guy i dont know, just to make it back to see her. when i got to the hospital she was gone. she wasnt at home or at her dorm. she wasnt dead either. appearantly she got released, although i disagree with the doctor who signed it... so she gets heavily sedated and medicated, and goes home to drink and party in time for homecomming. i felt pretty used. id come all that way just to see her, and i find out that shes out drinking and partying, and ends up going into convulsions and vommitting, passing out and having random men strip her and put her in bed [atleast thats how she woke up]. i didnt know what else to do. so i left the present i bought for her at school. it was a big stuffed gorilla, because i knew she liked monkeys alot. and thats the letter i got back from her for it. no mention of me doing the right thing, or being thanked for it. no mention of gee that was sweet of you, but wrong. just, my new boyfriend is better than you ever were. she and i actually talked after this... months later. still didnt get any appology for it. she just glossed past it like nothing happened.

and this was only one episode of many, many between us. and she was the one i really thought was it. i could see myself with her forever. and instead, i wind up thinking about it forever. i never truely understood what went wrong. i tried to do everything right. so i guess i should feel so bad when i look around, and try to do what i do, and i get struck down. because i can remember a time when; even when i did everything right... i still got fucked. and that haunts me. i cant always remember the words, but i can remember her voice. i can remember being told things. i can remember good times and bad. i can remember feeling so low, after something like this, that i didnt even know how to feel. and i can remember making her so happy at times shed choke back tears. not that i made her happy very often it would seem. no, what i did learn from these memories is exactly what she told me... that id never be better than the replacement, and im probably nothing anyone would ever want in their life. thats something that sticks with you. thats something that hangs in your head in the dark, and keeps you from sleeping. alot of times you let it roll off your back. but some nights, it keeps you from sleeping agian.

s.