Current Musical Selection: Zakk Wylde - Spoke In The Wheel

"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "

weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.

i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.

i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.

if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"

i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.

" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "

other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.

ain't it fun~
s.