INTERLUDE
i hate this university so very much. the longer im here, the worse it gets to me. this semester, i had 3 teachers decide to fuck me on final grades. Marcella David, Stephen Wieting, its unfortunate its against the law for me to kill you; and Ken Kuntz, thanks for letting that curve hurt my grade.
i was banking on a B in my bible class; with kind of bad quiz scores, but an A on my paper, and and easy final, i was thinking it was going to happen; instead, im curved down to the C+, that hurts.... Marcella just decides to withold hold my law grade, for whatever reasons she might have; i still hate her. Then theres Wieting. Dickface, you need your teeth kicked in by a shit covered boot. I get a B on your midterm; you pull the final exam straight from hell, and then apperantly fail me on my research for the class; to give me a D... and in a majors class, that means NO CREDIT for the course... absolute assholes. i have 99 credit hours to my name; because of greasy, stained fuck holes like you; you keep me from graduating. because of your shitfuckingtastic foregin language requirements, ill never get to graduate; but now you all decide to band together, and rip my fucking grades out from under me. way to go. bravo. im impressed at your ability to work together. ive never seen so many pieces of limp, stinking shit mold together to do anything like that. it must just warm your hearts at night to sit and fuck over someone like me. someone that detests you and your pathetic attempts at academic pursuits; someone like me that loathes the social stature you have gained in your sheltered university positions; and someone like me that feels none of my true talents are ever reflected in your greasy palm-printed grade sheets.
fuck it straight up your asses. ring those grubby hands together, and warm in your delight; then shove them straight into your ass and milk your colon some more. delight in the splendor of your putrid brown juices, behold their color and viscoscity, and devour each golden drop. dont let your own selfrigheous pursuits keep you from enjoying the spoils of your 'work' that have nourished a body like yours; reward your self with all that is fit for you to sup on; so dine on your spectacular juices. let the odor of your royalty seep back into the stomachs of your kind that rot upon themselves from the very core of their existence. smile, and lick it all from your fingers... every last morsel of success that seeks refuge in your blistered and cracked anus. mash together those crumbs and make them a juicy slury; of creamy mocha consistency, and let it run down your face as you force feed yourself, more of your grotesque and disgusting bullshit; one more mouthful at a time. sit in your flock on the hill. marvel at it all. the wonder, the fury, the vivacity that you all have for feeding yourselves it. tongue down in it; wallow in its stench; and become what i see you all for. nothing lets me vanquish the feelings i have for you now; nothing but gravestones laden in fresh steaming piles defication would bring a smile to my face to hear your names again; i hate you all, very deeply, and in a very real sense.
Friday, January 03, 2003
Thursday, January 02, 2003
End of the Year Report - installment I
Well its not really a report I suppose, its more of a summation of everything that has happened to me in the past year or so. This has taken me several hours and repeated instances to create, so bear with me for the next few days of text to follow [that is if you read as slowly as a blind illiterate whale]. While attempting to record what happened to me this year, it became difficult for me to try and find a suitable method of arranging my thoughts. There probably exists no great way to do this... so its all going to be jumbly and thrown up here by topic.
WORK
ARH is work. I think in one year's time I've learned this lesson better than many of my contemporaries have. To be able to make the job what it is, requires alot, ALOT of time and dedication to what you are doing. Everything requires extra effort and outside/off the clock attention. Secondly, its got to be treated as work. Everything requires the attitude of work, you can't let anything slide by, a second pitfall that people let themselves fall for. thinking that the organization is anything else than a job, is blasphemous. People depend on you, and look to you and what you do everyday, not as friends, but as contemporaries; as co-workers. To go home and be friends or friendly with them is a separate skill off the clock, but on the clock it cant be done any other way.
im also presupposing that what i do, you can actually call work. in the minds of the accounts and the students, its not a job- its just an elected position with a stipend pay. hell most of the students couldn't even tell you what or where their hall government was; let alone me. But in alot of respects thats changing; and its going to keep changing during the next year until i leave. ive heard from so many sources that my work is actually getting noticed: i dont know by whom; but that what ive done isn't going unnoticed like the past several years had. i think students are starting to recognize some of the things that they see, and they are definitely becoming more comfortable---but thats only the kids that i see; the goal for the organization for next year has to be to include more people; and to find a way to start this process earlier on...
but again; if you can call it work, and i think that it can be, then it definetly is. ive learned more about the inner workings and the casting call of the important people in this University in a years time, than i think much of the faculty could learn in a decade. i really should value what ive got more than i do. alot of people look at you funny when you tell them you are on a first name basis with the president of the university. even more look funnier at you when you tell them you meet on a regular basis; and your only a student like they are. its probably done something for me personally and professionally. i remember having a conversation last spring about this; and it being summed that my name was probably being used in conversations all over campus among the administrators... whether good or bad, i suppose it cant be that bad. maybe i haven't gained alot of top-shelf name recognition; but major players at the university are finally able to make a connection; and the connection im hoping to leave them with is to the kids in the halls; not to me. scott can wait; scott can always be seen for what he is, but its the position thats important. one of my fears will come up later in this coming year, when i finally have to give up and move on; without being a part of the hall government for once. im scared; not for myself; but for the organization. i think back to all the long nights; endless hours in the office; off the clock times; personal sacrifices and guarantees to back them all up with; to make the organization what it is now... and im scared because i dont see anyone worthy of inheriting it all. it scares me, because that means the past several years of my life, are going to get handed off to someone who will throw them aside, and tear down everything i worked for. i suppose its ironic that way really; i came into the system in about the worst setting imaginable; no competent people around me, no sense of direction from anyone, and i eventually rose my way up to the top post, and now im the one giving out the orders... i suppose its only fitting that it all be handed away to someone who probably knows little of the value of achievement associated with what they hold.
RELATIONSHIPS [of the romantic variety]
This is the one i probably most dread writing about, yet is the one that i probably have the most to speak on. Ive never been able to claim anything as a victory in this department. Even the times when i have, they weren't; they were just losses of lesser magnitude. My one major fault in all of this, is probably that i let myself believe that i can win; or that i have won in the past. Thinking like that usually creates alot of problems later on; which maybe im just beginning to realize now. So in that regard, if nothing else, the past year, and past several for the matter, have taught me little about relationships, and more about myself. Ive learned that i really have to be honest with myself over whats going on, if im to ever hope to have success in the future.
This year. Pretty much; a blank slate. I often joke that girls really do hate me; often as a method of laughing about the truth; and the truth is they do. Looking at the numbers, i came into the year with nothing, and at the time of penning this; ill leave with nothing. Nothing lost, but nothing gained. In between, i can also not claimed to have had anything. Noticing a trend yet? I did make efforts; several. if i remember correctly, i think i had a total of about 3 dates [by my judgement; likely zero by real world standards]. all three were friends, girls that ive know for several years; maybe that didn't help things. i guess all three probably were considering this to be a friendship type deal; so i shouldn't be let down when i dont get a kiss, or dreamy looks over dinner. Instead, two were badly plagued by problems... the other... well she just wanted to leave after awhile [oddly enough, once she found friends at the restaurant, she wasn't in a hurry to leave; only when i reappeared again, after paying the bill and waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes]. one decided to bring a friend with, unannounced. the other decided to cancel on me, and generally fuck up everything during the day of the date, so much tot he point that i was looking for excuses to leave. Neither went well. None of the three have since talked to me. Ok,so im bad with dating; guilty as charged i suppose. But, in my mind that doesn't warrant killing off friendships over it; especially not when you've known them longer, and better on those terms, than a marginally pitiful attempt at a date, by some lonely estranged man. But they have every right not to i guess; i suppose its coded in the Woman's Manual that way... every other relationship of similar nature has turned out the same way, why would these be any different? The answer is it shouldn't be... but i think it should have. I think, that because i tried, and because i kept these things separately, it should have come out differently. but it doesn't. it just make is all so more mundane for them. once again, for the 22nd year running; ive been seen by no one as something special, admirable, or attractive. just another person. its tough to think about it all that way; but how else can you? when i try to find the reasons why, they dont come to me. and when i try to prove myself wrong, i end up proving myself right. in example.... met a girl over a year ago, whom, in my mind became something more than a friend. yeah; maybe just a good friend... maybe just a really good looking friend... maybe just a good natured friend... and maybe she was jsut nothing at all. i never told her this; but after awhile; i started feeling myself slip down the same old paths... slip on the same comfortable shoes, and walk in familiar circles. Everything seemed very reminiscent of girls of old. Especially Jennifer. and with this girl; i started going down that path again.. not only did i start to believe that maybe i mattered [and i clearly dont!!!!], but i started to entertain the idea of loving again. maybe not love, per say, but loving... the action of, the expression of outwardly emotion in principle. i really felt like maybe this girl was something; maybe we had enough going, and maybe, just maybe, she thought so too. but ill never know. i never asked. i eluded to it; and got cold responses. i skirted the issue, even if i brought it up; and she never wanted to dance with me on it. it bugged me alot. i wanted to say something about it to her. it found its way into conversations and noticeable attitudinal changes with my friends, and it even bled its way over into my personal space here. Eventually it got to me. eventually i just wanted resolution to it all. she didnt. i could tell that she was, and still is, content not to have to hear me say anything like that to her. and thats frustrating. its frustrating to think that once again maybe you have found someone different than the rest, but it turns out to be just the same as ever... infact even more like before. its frustrating to feel like that all year, but thats pretty much how its felt. last year on my birthday; January 6th; i made my birthday wish that this year, i would actually find someone that would matter as much to me as i do to them. i doubt very much thats happened. and its not that i haven't met girls that meant something to me; its that i doubt very much that i mean anything to them. it comes out in the conversations you have; in the gestures they use, in the posture they hold, and the words they select. not once in my pitiful existence, have i ever felt that i was in a truly equitable relationship with a girl. even just trying to have friends has never really worked; it ends up that i always end up being too good of a friend for them; no matter how little i care; maybe its just the common decency i extend that prevents me from acting that way. but i can say that this year is no different. this year my one birthday wish never came true. it was actually something that i wrote down and carried with me in my wallet most of the year. i wanted to remember what i wanted; and id read that if you write down goals, they are much more likely to come true. what the hell i thought. it stayed there for quite sometime, up until the end of the school term. and by then, id had enough of reminding myself of it all. id had enough of being me. so i crumpled it up and left it in a desk drawer. it never left my mind though; it never was like i could forget what i wanted- because it still was what i wanted. so i spent the rest of the year trying. i tried, and i looked, and i searched in all the wrong places i suppose; even if i thought they were the right ones. and now, im almost back at that point in time, one year removed, when i made that wish for myself. and im wondering do i even have the will to try it again, against all the fucking shit its drug me through. if there really even is anyone out there that could possibly make good on my wishful thinking; and alot of times, i dont think so. so, it leaves me at an interesting position, how long should i have to go on waiting, until something happens? how long should i go on with nothing; wishing for something; but still not getting anything? im not sure if im going to make the same wish this year. i think i could end up being alot better off if id ask for money, or world peace or something like that; much better off than asking for something for myself like that.
i think in the last year, ive learned more about people than ive wanted to learn. ive learned that some of the most beautiful girls on the outside, really arent all that attractive on the inside. ive learned that some girls think they have everything figured out in life, but where they are. ive learned that girls always go for the short, stocky, short-bleached hair, with ear ring, business [or open] major, from Malones. the douche bag that knows less about the world than the calc class that hes failing. ive learned, that those are the guys that are attractive, the ones with no direction in life other than how to get to the house party. ive learned that the ones like me that want to be a bigger part of some girls life than they guy who bought her a drink; aren't attractive. ive learned that the sheer thought of picking me over one of them repulses alot of them. ive also learned that, no matter how i try, and no matter how much i may want something; its always going to be up to the other person involved. its always a question of 'he who cares the least, controls the most,' and i always am finding myself in the position of apparently caring more. its pretty unlike myself, i get alot of comments about how i dont care about things; but its not all true. i think i do care about alot of things; and apparently i care too much about some things, and about some people. i dont know, but i guess i wouldn't want it any other way really. people can go on about their way and never give me a second thought; although i may spend an hour thinking about just them. i give them their freedom i suppose, because i know they wouldn't like it reversed. i remain who i am and do as only i would do, because i doubt them to change if i would. so i suppose its pretty clear by now, that ive spent alot of time thinking about all of this. in the last few weeks, with friend-hookup week, plus with the constant pull of people into pairs over the entire year, its hard not to notice something like that. its hard to notice being alone, when everyone else seems to have someone else. its a lonely feeling. ill admit to that this time; that it does sometimes drag you down, near the point of depression. but its only from dwelling on it; so for that, i have no one to blame but myself. but as far as everything else; id like to think that its beyond my capabilities. i think in the past year, i tried to be much more outgoing when it came to females. i tried more, not for the romantic links, but for the friendship links; and even then i was found to be in error. its a totally different concept then keeping friends with males. even the girls who say they arent picky, or dont act like other girls, still do. its hard trying to keep up relationships of any sort with them; and its no wonder that its so difficult for me to gain any ground this way.
the next year kind of scares me in this regard. the longer i stay at Iowa in the capacity that i do, i think the longer im going to feel the way i do. not that moving or transferring is going to make much of difference, just that at this school, there exists a culture and a with it; a flare for the easy hookup. i just cant achieve that. when i mention im single; i get jeering words and puzzled looks. somehow people cant comprehend how its not possible to find someone here. i beg to differ, i cant seem to comprehend how anyone could find anyone here. ive tried. i do try. ive met some girls who, really would have liked to see things change with. there are times when i sit and think to myself, in a dark room, why did i say what i did? why can i find one spot, where i may have fucked it all up? its about the beautiful people, as Manson would sing. its about the beautiful girls finding the eqally nice looking males. its never about the ugly people like me, finding a beautiful girl like that, and i doubt it ever will be. thats why the upcoming year looks so grim on this horizon. im not happy. thats clear. i would like very much to fit in, and have a girl of my own. but i just dont see it happening for me. i dont see any girl thats willing to do that with me. even the ones that ive thought about, i cant see confining themselves to me. instead i see them bouncing around from person to person, for quite a while, before they settle for someone. for me, im more intent on settling. maybe not permanently, but i know i dont want a flighty bar-girl that wants to go out every weekend. i know that i want someone who has more substance than looks, but still is a looker to me. i guess i want to have a somewhat respectable relationship, or its not really worth doing. and maybe i fell short of my goal for this year; and maybe i didnt really meet any more people, or didnt meet the right one; maybe all i can say for myself is next year will be just as long as last year was.
[part II is comming in the next few days, as i finish it...]
s.
Well its not really a report I suppose, its more of a summation of everything that has happened to me in the past year or so. This has taken me several hours and repeated instances to create, so bear with me for the next few days of text to follow [that is if you read as slowly as a blind illiterate whale]. While attempting to record what happened to me this year, it became difficult for me to try and find a suitable method of arranging my thoughts. There probably exists no great way to do this... so its all going to be jumbly and thrown up here by topic.
WORK
ARH is work. I think in one year's time I've learned this lesson better than many of my contemporaries have. To be able to make the job what it is, requires alot, ALOT of time and dedication to what you are doing. Everything requires extra effort and outside/off the clock attention. Secondly, its got to be treated as work. Everything requires the attitude of work, you can't let anything slide by, a second pitfall that people let themselves fall for. thinking that the organization is anything else than a job, is blasphemous. People depend on you, and look to you and what you do everyday, not as friends, but as contemporaries; as co-workers. To go home and be friends or friendly with them is a separate skill off the clock, but on the clock it cant be done any other way.
im also presupposing that what i do, you can actually call work. in the minds of the accounts and the students, its not a job- its just an elected position with a stipend pay. hell most of the students couldn't even tell you what or where their hall government was; let alone me. But in alot of respects thats changing; and its going to keep changing during the next year until i leave. ive heard from so many sources that my work is actually getting noticed: i dont know by whom; but that what ive done isn't going unnoticed like the past several years had. i think students are starting to recognize some of the things that they see, and they are definitely becoming more comfortable---but thats only the kids that i see; the goal for the organization for next year has to be to include more people; and to find a way to start this process earlier on...
but again; if you can call it work, and i think that it can be, then it definetly is. ive learned more about the inner workings and the casting call of the important people in this University in a years time, than i think much of the faculty could learn in a decade. i really should value what ive got more than i do. alot of people look at you funny when you tell them you are on a first name basis with the president of the university. even more look funnier at you when you tell them you meet on a regular basis; and your only a student like they are. its probably done something for me personally and professionally. i remember having a conversation last spring about this; and it being summed that my name was probably being used in conversations all over campus among the administrators... whether good or bad, i suppose it cant be that bad. maybe i haven't gained alot of top-shelf name recognition; but major players at the university are finally able to make a connection; and the connection im hoping to leave them with is to the kids in the halls; not to me. scott can wait; scott can always be seen for what he is, but its the position thats important. one of my fears will come up later in this coming year, when i finally have to give up and move on; without being a part of the hall government for once. im scared; not for myself; but for the organization. i think back to all the long nights; endless hours in the office; off the clock times; personal sacrifices and guarantees to back them all up with; to make the organization what it is now... and im scared because i dont see anyone worthy of inheriting it all. it scares me, because that means the past several years of my life, are going to get handed off to someone who will throw them aside, and tear down everything i worked for. i suppose its ironic that way really; i came into the system in about the worst setting imaginable; no competent people around me, no sense of direction from anyone, and i eventually rose my way up to the top post, and now im the one giving out the orders... i suppose its only fitting that it all be handed away to someone who probably knows little of the value of achievement associated with what they hold.
RELATIONSHIPS [of the romantic variety]
This is the one i probably most dread writing about, yet is the one that i probably have the most to speak on. Ive never been able to claim anything as a victory in this department. Even the times when i have, they weren't; they were just losses of lesser magnitude. My one major fault in all of this, is probably that i let myself believe that i can win; or that i have won in the past. Thinking like that usually creates alot of problems later on; which maybe im just beginning to realize now. So in that regard, if nothing else, the past year, and past several for the matter, have taught me little about relationships, and more about myself. Ive learned that i really have to be honest with myself over whats going on, if im to ever hope to have success in the future.
This year. Pretty much; a blank slate. I often joke that girls really do hate me; often as a method of laughing about the truth; and the truth is they do. Looking at the numbers, i came into the year with nothing, and at the time of penning this; ill leave with nothing. Nothing lost, but nothing gained. In between, i can also not claimed to have had anything. Noticing a trend yet? I did make efforts; several. if i remember correctly, i think i had a total of about 3 dates [by my judgement; likely zero by real world standards]. all three were friends, girls that ive know for several years; maybe that didn't help things. i guess all three probably were considering this to be a friendship type deal; so i shouldn't be let down when i dont get a kiss, or dreamy looks over dinner. Instead, two were badly plagued by problems... the other... well she just wanted to leave after awhile [oddly enough, once she found friends at the restaurant, she wasn't in a hurry to leave; only when i reappeared again, after paying the bill and waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes]. one decided to bring a friend with, unannounced. the other decided to cancel on me, and generally fuck up everything during the day of the date, so much tot he point that i was looking for excuses to leave. Neither went well. None of the three have since talked to me. Ok,so im bad with dating; guilty as charged i suppose. But, in my mind that doesn't warrant killing off friendships over it; especially not when you've known them longer, and better on those terms, than a marginally pitiful attempt at a date, by some lonely estranged man. But they have every right not to i guess; i suppose its coded in the Woman's Manual that way... every other relationship of similar nature has turned out the same way, why would these be any different? The answer is it shouldn't be... but i think it should have. I think, that because i tried, and because i kept these things separately, it should have come out differently. but it doesn't. it just make is all so more mundane for them. once again, for the 22nd year running; ive been seen by no one as something special, admirable, or attractive. just another person. its tough to think about it all that way; but how else can you? when i try to find the reasons why, they dont come to me. and when i try to prove myself wrong, i end up proving myself right. in example.... met a girl over a year ago, whom, in my mind became something more than a friend. yeah; maybe just a good friend... maybe just a really good looking friend... maybe just a good natured friend... and maybe she was jsut nothing at all. i never told her this; but after awhile; i started feeling myself slip down the same old paths... slip on the same comfortable shoes, and walk in familiar circles. Everything seemed very reminiscent of girls of old. Especially Jennifer. and with this girl; i started going down that path again.. not only did i start to believe that maybe i mattered [and i clearly dont!!!!], but i started to entertain the idea of loving again. maybe not love, per say, but loving... the action of, the expression of outwardly emotion in principle. i really felt like maybe this girl was something; maybe we had enough going, and maybe, just maybe, she thought so too. but ill never know. i never asked. i eluded to it; and got cold responses. i skirted the issue, even if i brought it up; and she never wanted to dance with me on it. it bugged me alot. i wanted to say something about it to her. it found its way into conversations and noticeable attitudinal changes with my friends, and it even bled its way over into my personal space here. Eventually it got to me. eventually i just wanted resolution to it all. she didnt. i could tell that she was, and still is, content not to have to hear me say anything like that to her. and thats frustrating. its frustrating to think that once again maybe you have found someone different than the rest, but it turns out to be just the same as ever... infact even more like before. its frustrating to feel like that all year, but thats pretty much how its felt. last year on my birthday; January 6th; i made my birthday wish that this year, i would actually find someone that would matter as much to me as i do to them. i doubt very much thats happened. and its not that i haven't met girls that meant something to me; its that i doubt very much that i mean anything to them. it comes out in the conversations you have; in the gestures they use, in the posture they hold, and the words they select. not once in my pitiful existence, have i ever felt that i was in a truly equitable relationship with a girl. even just trying to have friends has never really worked; it ends up that i always end up being too good of a friend for them; no matter how little i care; maybe its just the common decency i extend that prevents me from acting that way. but i can say that this year is no different. this year my one birthday wish never came true. it was actually something that i wrote down and carried with me in my wallet most of the year. i wanted to remember what i wanted; and id read that if you write down goals, they are much more likely to come true. what the hell i thought. it stayed there for quite sometime, up until the end of the school term. and by then, id had enough of reminding myself of it all. id had enough of being me. so i crumpled it up and left it in a desk drawer. it never left my mind though; it never was like i could forget what i wanted- because it still was what i wanted. so i spent the rest of the year trying. i tried, and i looked, and i searched in all the wrong places i suppose; even if i thought they were the right ones. and now, im almost back at that point in time, one year removed, when i made that wish for myself. and im wondering do i even have the will to try it again, against all the fucking shit its drug me through. if there really even is anyone out there that could possibly make good on my wishful thinking; and alot of times, i dont think so. so, it leaves me at an interesting position, how long should i have to go on waiting, until something happens? how long should i go on with nothing; wishing for something; but still not getting anything? im not sure if im going to make the same wish this year. i think i could end up being alot better off if id ask for money, or world peace or something like that; much better off than asking for something for myself like that.
i think in the last year, ive learned more about people than ive wanted to learn. ive learned that some of the most beautiful girls on the outside, really arent all that attractive on the inside. ive learned that some girls think they have everything figured out in life, but where they are. ive learned that girls always go for the short, stocky, short-bleached hair, with ear ring, business [or open] major, from Malones. the douche bag that knows less about the world than the calc class that hes failing. ive learned, that those are the guys that are attractive, the ones with no direction in life other than how to get to the house party. ive learned that the ones like me that want to be a bigger part of some girls life than they guy who bought her a drink; aren't attractive. ive learned that the sheer thought of picking me over one of them repulses alot of them. ive also learned that, no matter how i try, and no matter how much i may want something; its always going to be up to the other person involved. its always a question of 'he who cares the least, controls the most,' and i always am finding myself in the position of apparently caring more. its pretty unlike myself, i get alot of comments about how i dont care about things; but its not all true. i think i do care about alot of things; and apparently i care too much about some things, and about some people. i dont know, but i guess i wouldn't want it any other way really. people can go on about their way and never give me a second thought; although i may spend an hour thinking about just them. i give them their freedom i suppose, because i know they wouldn't like it reversed. i remain who i am and do as only i would do, because i doubt them to change if i would. so i suppose its pretty clear by now, that ive spent alot of time thinking about all of this. in the last few weeks, with friend-hookup week, plus with the constant pull of people into pairs over the entire year, its hard not to notice something like that. its hard to notice being alone, when everyone else seems to have someone else. its a lonely feeling. ill admit to that this time; that it does sometimes drag you down, near the point of depression. but its only from dwelling on it; so for that, i have no one to blame but myself. but as far as everything else; id like to think that its beyond my capabilities. i think in the past year, i tried to be much more outgoing when it came to females. i tried more, not for the romantic links, but for the friendship links; and even then i was found to be in error. its a totally different concept then keeping friends with males. even the girls who say they arent picky, or dont act like other girls, still do. its hard trying to keep up relationships of any sort with them; and its no wonder that its so difficult for me to gain any ground this way.
the next year kind of scares me in this regard. the longer i stay at Iowa in the capacity that i do, i think the longer im going to feel the way i do. not that moving or transferring is going to make much of difference, just that at this school, there exists a culture and a with it; a flare for the easy hookup. i just cant achieve that. when i mention im single; i get jeering words and puzzled looks. somehow people cant comprehend how its not possible to find someone here. i beg to differ, i cant seem to comprehend how anyone could find anyone here. ive tried. i do try. ive met some girls who, really would have liked to see things change with. there are times when i sit and think to myself, in a dark room, why did i say what i did? why can i find one spot, where i may have fucked it all up? its about the beautiful people, as Manson would sing. its about the beautiful girls finding the eqally nice looking males. its never about the ugly people like me, finding a beautiful girl like that, and i doubt it ever will be. thats why the upcoming year looks so grim on this horizon. im not happy. thats clear. i would like very much to fit in, and have a girl of my own. but i just dont see it happening for me. i dont see any girl thats willing to do that with me. even the ones that ive thought about, i cant see confining themselves to me. instead i see them bouncing around from person to person, for quite a while, before they settle for someone. for me, im more intent on settling. maybe not permanently, but i know i dont want a flighty bar-girl that wants to go out every weekend. i know that i want someone who has more substance than looks, but still is a looker to me. i guess i want to have a somewhat respectable relationship, or its not really worth doing. and maybe i fell short of my goal for this year; and maybe i didnt really meet any more people, or didnt meet the right one; maybe all i can say for myself is next year will be just as long as last year was.
[part II is comming in the next few days, as i finish it...]
s.
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