Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Angie

angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..

ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.

i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.

ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.

some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - "Madagascar"

***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.

yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "

someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.

yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.

***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"

a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB

well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.

another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.

eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...

if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "

really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.

second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.

meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...

aint it fun~
s.


*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.