New Year, New Post

New Year, new post?

Sounds good. Except that was a month and a half ago.

I dunno. I'll get back into this at some point. I know I will. The past few months have had some major changes in my life. My grandmother died right after the new year. Which was pretty hard. To make it worse, we had the funeral on my 30th birthday. 30 was something else thats messed with me. In my head more than anything else, so far. Lastly my living situation is up. I have about 60 days to move. Since my lease is over, and my parents are departing for Detroit, forcibly, I'm on my own again, with no fall back. Knowing just HOW little money I make at M'tards, its not a simple subject.

Anyhow. I'm still here. Just seeing if the RSS is still posting out there. Look for some more soon!

Death is a fucked up concept to the living. In plain text its as about as far from the truth as it could be. Just the same though. I knew today would happen. After we got the initial dementia diagnosis about 4 years ago, and eventually the Alzheimer's like symptoms developed that followed the classic rubric of seven stages; we all knew it would happen. Today is the day my grandmother died. It happens to all of us. People get old, and they die. The living are the only ones left making sense out of someone being here one day, and not the next. But death takes more out of us than you think. The past few weeks and months had seen the pretty steady decline. Rapid. But steady. The last week or so, she was bed ridden, and comatose. From that point, it was a matter of time. All we have left in this world is time, as far as the living are concerned. Time to figure out how much time we all have left. Time to wait until we die. Time to spend in whatever way possible to prolong our thoughts about how much time remains. Alzheimer's is terrible in that respect. It takes away our concept of time. Time, place; it really doesn't mean much then. Which makes it a fucked up concept, when the rest of us all walk around, concerned about how much time, what time is it, when will this happen, type questions. Time stops with that disease. I suppose I'm doing pretty well with it. Then again, I've had the time to see this coming and prepare my thoughts about it. People ask me, why turning 30 this week bothers me. Shit like this bothers me. Its all that concept of time, and thinking you have it, that you control it, or you keep your eye on it. You can't do that forever, or even for some measure of time. Its fucked up like that. I delay certain things in my life to watch others go by; I talk about it like its fair or its not, dependent on which side of the coin you get. She had 92 years on this earth. She traveled quite a bit. Had children, grandchildren, and dogs and grand dogs. She lived through the depression, saw the second great war, and went right on through the civil rights era to the digital age. But at some point, across all time of her life, she was destined for it to stop. All of us are. She outlived the rest of her family by 25 years, a husband by 30, and saw even her youngest grandchild hit drinking age and start a phD program. Thats a lot of time well spent. But the time between now and Wednesday will probably be the hardest. Anticipating the burial process isn't it. Its realizing that I wake up the next day to turn 30. Time is a fucked up concept. Almost as much as death.