Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - Sweet Caress
lookin at the ocean blue || sittin thinkin here of you || cast'in light down from the moon || sweet caress the ocean blue || just a stolent moment through || coldest night the fullest moon || i cant tell you why it happened || somethings been pullin me to you || no apologies have been requested || far beneath a yellow moon || feelin out the ocean blue || felt you coming through and new || kind of frozen, dream of you
Such A Long Time.
well quite obviously its been a long time since ive posted. i dont really have excuses. i also dont need to make any. i dont have much to complain about; and im sure everyone would just wonder more about me if i suddenly decided to keep track of happy things... appearantly this is the blog, touted as moving people to 'wrist slitting' and 'absolute macombre,' so its been along time since ive wanted to make a come back. lately everything has been good though. its up and down. its day to day. but more often than not, i cant complain. ive learned that once the pot starts to simmer down, you never throw more into the mess... let it stew. everything is well and good; no we havent broken up yet; no i havent had to fire anyone recently; yes im passing my classes; no i never study enough latin; but yes its all well an good. so ive tried to take a very laid back approach to life lately... so much so its noticeable. i think my parents even have noticed on the phone with me; friends notice; its tough not to notice. not that i feel that i approach life in a wound-up way; just that for once im slowly backing down from the ledge. i can see it all from where im at... just its nice keeping that extra drop step for safety and comfort.
but when i think about time, and i think about edges... i think of endings. always coupled with beginings, but of endings. its been such a long time between endings and beginings, that now that i have a begining of something interesting in my life, im actually taking the time to notice it.... rather than drawing out the end, as it typcially tends to happen with me. thats not completely right though... people like to draw things out. really? yeah. see when it all happens, and when you end friendships and relationships with others, you want the end... when it gets bad, you crave the finality of it all... just the words ITS OVER, have some calming effect thats just soothing. but its more like novacaine, soothing the nerves, numbing you from the pain, so that you are insulated when the real damage is done... when the real shit starts to churn in the holes of your flesh; you want that end so you stop feeling it. and then you get it. and you spend your time nursing the wound, watching over yourself... until someone comes along and rips that gaping sore wide open again. see, i thought finallity meant an end to it all. i guess not. some people are just not content with that. even after its all done; after they initiated the split; after they saw to the ending of it all; the bring it back. in cold blackface. if you want the end to it all, and you want to end that person; and you block them from your life... dont follow them. dont read up on them, looking for their profile on the wall when you want it. dont go looking up others to satisfy you unfounded curiousities. we know it when you do it. we see all that you do, we hear every syllable you drop to 'friends' among you. so do us both a favor. follow your imposed end. live up to the unilateral deal you imposed, and stay out of my life. dont randomly unblock me just to read my away messages or profile; dont be creepy and lurk about, finding my girlfriends screenname and looking at her information... or reading about her life they way she writes about it--- you dont know her, and thats why i like it this way. if you cant handle not having me around, go back the the begining of the end... go back to when you decided i was such an awful person, or just when you started treating me as such; go back to when you started all this madness, such a long time ago, and then relive the end. then see the way in which the water has flowed, and feel regret, remorse or satisfaction--- that is ultimately your decision; but stay on your side of the edge... stop looking over at my side of the gorge which you dug for us... and when the numbness [should it ever] wear off; and your vision and hindsight become clear, let the hurting begin; because of the end. know that leading people into friendship, purely for explotation of your needs, is never, the right thing to do; but you did it. then understand why it has to be. understand why i want nothing to do with you, although i wish no harm or use no harsh words, i just move on. see it all for what you made it; live with what you did.
"His eyes are on the ways of men; he sees their every step. There is no dark place, no deep shadow, where evildoers can hide. God has no need to examine men further, that they should come before him for judgement. Without inquiry he shatters the mighty and sets up others in their place. Because he takes note of their deeds, he overthrows them in the night and they are crushed. He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone can see them, because they turned from following him and had no regard for any of his ways." --- Job, 34:21-27 just for You, a small passage to remember me by.
oh its been such a long time since ive felt this way. its been a long time when i can say its a pleasure to be alive. sure, minor things come up.. people and their fucking attitudes... disregard for authority... sniviling coward communist crooks, crooning the end to war, and a cheerful humanitarian crusade of sing-along in the middle east.. but the sun is always shining. the weather is getting warmer, and the gray sky of winter has receeded beyond the edges of the horizon. now is the time of glory and prosper in all things wonderous. now are the days leading directly into a semester break. so it may be a short time before i return, but i will, as i always do. and i will return to write something special to someone special. it is the 14th and all...
Lookin' on the ocean blue || Sail away and think of you || Sweet caress the ocean blue || And I know it's not the last time || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Tried ta hold it back a long time || Far beneath the silver moon || I have seen a million faces || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Like an ocean pullin' me in... || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue >/i>
ain't it fun~
s.
