Friday, May 16, 2003

LAST ONE

well this is the last post from my dorm room.. parents are insisting i leave hear at 9:30 am... the day after ive done 4 finals, stayed up till 5am reading garbage; and ofcourse, before i have a chance to write much... i will when i get home... just dont have the time to say what i need to. but for now its goodbye. i will honestly miss everyone around here; remember that i spent 3 years in this building, 2 in the same year, so its been a long haul. lot of faces went, but some of them stayed. so it was a trip. to everyone else that might read this; ill be in dport most of the summer. i take possession of the apartment in august here, so ill be back in iowa city then.. but ill explain it more later. wish there were other words i cut scratch out that would make it all make sense... right now nothing makes sense though. especially not moving out this early in the morning. email me people... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu because im gone.

ain't it fun~
s.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

//// REVISITED ////

does this look familiar?:::::

EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]

Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-


A Simple Dedication


I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.

...

so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.


so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.


---------------------------------

stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.

but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.

like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.

im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.

so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.

reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.

but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.

i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.

i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.

ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.

im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.

so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.

so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.
after a couple days of counting... im going to go ahead and call this one...

29 votes for de-pressed.
02 votes for im-pressed.

so i should be de-pressed that: a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2am on a public street.

thanks for the votes. it was interesting to see who all reads this still. if you didnt vote, but want to say what you think; lemme know... i think i feel one more post coming before i leave school... ive got one more good one left in me... maybe one other dedication..

Sunday, May 11, 2003


[ PART 2 OF 2 ]

right now there is so much more than girls peeing going on in my head. this was probably my last night of freedom, before i go home. and even then, thats
only for a day or so before im back here to go to North Carolina for a week. but ive had alot on my mind lately. a lot happened this week. alot happened to me this week. i dont know where to start, read some of the older posts to see the highlights. but i wanted to spend tonight with someone special. someone i guess im not supposed to see; and who is trying to distance themselves from me. lot of reasons why. im not making any judgements about it. first off is i have to appologize then for the past day or so, where ive intrueded on that space. i feel bad for them. i care about them. its really hard to stop. then when i hear about how their week ended; it broke my heart all over again. twice in one week. mine and theirs. it was a judgement call; but i decided to bridge the waters, disregard the separation, and attempted to talk to them. no much response. no judgement to be made. i wasnt expecting much. i wanted them to know that i care about them deeply, and things that effect them still affect me. probably shouldnt work that way. but it does. i know better than to go against what they want; and in all honesty i may have ruined any chances at a future [if there even was one] by doing this. but, in my mind thats one conclusion. in my heart, theres another. and that part of me said i couldnt spend my life thinking about it. i had to do it. i had to do what came natural to me. in light of everything that happened to them; i went with it. i went to help console another human being, to be someone that they can trust without doubt; that allready knows everything about them and thier life, that could only be helpful. so i thought in my heart. it broke rank with my head; but it was my heart that was broken. i hope they understand that. if it were all reversed; deep down inside, i really would want a person to do the same thing for me. i really would want someone that cared deeply about me, that i had a past with, that i can trust with intimacies and my life. thats why. no judgement please. just understand me for what i did.

anyway. break ups are hard to deal with. i knew the local blues guru, Joe Price was supposed to be in town this week. i needed it. i needed that kind of music; the kind that plays the song of your heart; even when its sad. when your heart is broken, the strings sound like they could break. when it flutters, so does the pick hand. when inside, your soul just wants to wail and weep; that voice does it. back to the special-sharing part. to get over heartbreak, i guess you shouldnt spend time with the person that caused it. thats... thats a no brainer. but knowing what they went through. it wasnt about us not getting along; it was about everything in general. i needed something to be sad and to be happy with when it was over. i thought they needed a break, and stepping on that limb [as i comment about in the above paragraph], i bridged that gap of imposed distance to them. this worlds fucked up as it is; why couldnt two people be sad about life together for one night; even if they made each others lives sad? doesnt matter. only invited them. it was a no pressure thing. in fact i didnt even want to hear their straight up answer. i know, its childish of me. it only made me wonder even more, later that night, why they didnt come. only a few reasons to come, thousands not to. and they were busy. but anyway, no judgement. even if they said hell no, becuase it would be weird, they are within their rights. so i went to this place. i got a table for two. and i sat. honestly i didnt expect them to show. after 9 came, 9:30, 10 i knew it. but my heart jumped a little bit everytime the door opened. and it sunk a little more everytime it wasnt them. again.. no judgements to make. just my ownt thoughts. so i sat there. i went to enjoy the music. and to get drunk. something had to make it stop hurting inside. booze wasnt a good choice. its stupid of me to think it would be a fix all. its not. i remember telling someone once that its never good for solving problems, it only postpones them, and adds to them. but i did it. 45 dollar bar tab, by myself. whiskeys. beer. even took a random suggestion from a guy at the bar. i couldnt taste whatever it was he ordered for me. it burnt. all of it did. but the hurting was still there. so they set me up in a booth to watch the band. ate some food. and sat. left out my notes and book, and attempted to do some homework before the band materialized... about an hour late. but thats early for blues.

the music started. just joe. i noticed he had a gibson les paul now. wine red. beautiful. i envied him. thats the guitar i always wanted when i used to play. he started playing about 10 minutes to 10, to a full house, that only got fuller as the night went on. by my estimate, they had at least 60 people crammed into that back area at the start. by the end, i couldnt see the band. but i sat. it started to make a difference. i listend to the words of songs ive heard, that ive never paid much attention to. the thing that hit me most, was how someone playing this music didnt feel the way i did.... i felt crumpled and empty; and the songs played to that.

" just one thing, i dont understand; why i said goodbye; i had a good friend, she called me honey; now i am feelin sad; dreaming of what i once had, and i dont know why, why i said goodbye. i used to go home and sleep in my bed; all o my troubles would leave my head. tears and regrets- forever more; dryin my eyes and walkin the floor. and i dont, know why.... why i said goodbye"

maybe after 10 songs, a solid hour or so of playing, he brings his friends up. thats when it started really. all the music ive never heard. joe called them The Mill Boogie, parts 1, 2, 3, etc. beautiful stuff, just all off the cuff. later it was improvised by 7 different musicians at once. all they needed was someone to throw the pick at them, or give them the nod when to take a few bars. everyone else played accompaniment; even joe. the leader of this group... they called it, The Joe Price Blues Army, at the end of the night. but the music just kept flowing. kinda like joe and rolling rock. the waitstaff was tired of fetching him drinks. he nodded and winked at me once when i sent one over for him. couldnt do much else. after 10 minutes, i knew i should have brought something to record all this. this stuff was too good to forget about, or to be wasted on my head, that was swimming in a pool of liquor. everything felt fresh then--- not welcomed, just fresh. getting hurt all over again; reliving it through the music; remembering events from earlier that day; earlier that week; earlier than that. it all was like it just happened all over again. that my heart was thrown out on that dance floor. only 1 person was out there then, stomping and shuffling away, watching it go to pieces. so the music kept playing. i kept listening. april, my waitress, started sending me water. it was only 10:30 i guess. but she saw me come in the door, id been drinking since 7:30.

" in the middle of the night; oh what a mess; pull your blanket up tight; and put your arms around me. you were standin in your kitchen, tears rolling down your face, i began to comfort you; no one can take your place"

i just kept sitting there. id scratch away on my legal pad from time to time... this is where most of the lyrics are being transcribed from... accuracy isnt too important, Joe would agree. its about the feeling. i noticed that even he changes the words in his songs. i just wrote them down as i heard them. i tried to sing along when he hit my favorites. my voice cracked. i couldnt. i could tell how horribly out of tune i was. i never could sing worth a shit. the guy at the next table just smiled at me, clapped me on the shoulder, and started singing worse than i was. it felt a little better. but it wasnt the singing that broke my voice. it was everything. started thinking about it all. how useless i felt. how much i wanted to keep things the way they were for months; only recently did they change. how i thought back in mylife, when everything was fucked up. when nothing seemed right. when i had a couple people i could depend on to get me through it. i knew i was right for what ive done. i knew, that even if they didnt like it; they did. i needed another beer. i was trying to make sense out of everything that didnt make sense; i was trying to give answers for the one person that wouldnt give me any. i hated it. i hated myself. i hated that i could matter to someone anymore. i hated how everything was true and genuine in my mind, in my words and in my heart. i never use that phrase. just lately. i never believed much in the heart. never cared much for it. fortitude of the soul; that was my game. strong gut reaction. having strength and respect and something non-material to fall back on when you needed it. some form of non-planer resolve. heart, how fickle? Axl says it best, 'we both know hearts can change,' ironically he was speaking about hearts mending and comming back together, not going apart. thats what i wanted. i wanted them to come back. i wanted them to breakdown; to realize that i cared about them... i didnt have to. i didnt have any motives; no reasons to get with them; never harmed them; never was mean or cruel to them on purpose; appologized if it appeared so. i wanted them to stop and notice how much i care. and then everything to be allright. to have someone that i cared for, back in mylife, knowing that i cared for them. not just when it was easy; but when it was hard to. when my life was changing around me; i favored theirs. i wanted them to be back so i could feel vindicated and wanted again. but no one wants that from me.

the music played on, and i thought on. nobody wants me. if they did, they would never leave. never were anyreasons for them to go. only reasons to stay. to have someone unconditionally care for you; to hug you when its hard, to kiss you when its easy, and to stay with you when you are alone; god arent those the best reasons? arent those the only reasons to want someone? dont we all want a person like that? and here i was doing that. i was taking my share of shit sometimes [no judgement please] for things that werent my fault; and i took it everytime. never yelled back, never hit them, never told them to fuck off, never used them for sex, never for posterity, never for money, never for anything that they know has hurt them in the past. i wanted them because i felt, and maybe i do still feel so damn attracted to them. things that hurt them, hurt me. watching them go through these things hurts me, stays on my mind. i cant say thats all. ofcourse i was attracted to the most beautiful girl id ever met. i was attracted to that smile, her laugh, her touch. never went after it. she came to me. i guess i came to her. it felt so right. it still does. someone like that i cant stay mad at; i cant hate -- despite what im told from people; i still care about her. i hope she cares about me. i hope nothing she said was a lie. i hope she believed in the words she told me, like i believed in what i told her. thats why i drank. i drank with myself, i drank with my books, i drank with the bartender, with a stranger, and with the owner. Keith, its a great place you had for 40 years, im sad to see her go in 6 weeks. but whatever the hell that bourbon was you gave me was good.

i tried to tell him about it, and about her. he sat and listened. in retrospect, thats funny. in 40 years i wonder how many times hes had to hear stuff like that before. i wonder how many times he gets some special bottle out to pour a drink for some person, free of charge, and how much money hes lost on it all those years. 40. but he didnt laugh at me. he nodded, didnt say much. told me to have a drink. and so i did. he also talked me into food later. the chili and fries are great. had to soak up that booze with something.. and i was getting hungry. i had to fill that space in me with something.

so i still sat there, on a worn, hardwood bench, in a booth, meant for more than 1, all by myself. i listened to music, i had drank, and i wrote feverishly. i listend to the sad music of life; and i did it alone. the crowd got larger as they played. nearly doubled by midnight. i couldnt see the bar in the back, it was standing room only. dirty looks from people, taking up a whole booth to myself. but no judgement to be made. the music started to change, bit by bit. happier, bouncier songs. new musicians took the stage with him. first it was vicki on guitar and vocals, then rico on bass. later dusty on a dobro, plus this 60 year old george clinton look-alike with maraccas and sticks to be makeshif percussion. then a guy they introduced as mikey, i think, on accordian. then the brough up a chair infront of the stage, keith came out. plays harmonica i guess. had a steel case full. all in different keys. the stage was out of room; some sat on the wall, some on the ground; or on amps... no more room to plug in amps either. out of spots on the mixer board, so they just cranked the amp they plugged into a wall. and they played on.

the music kept getting livlier. kept growing. getting louder. soon there wasnt one person dancing, there were 20. on a dance floor not much bigger than a dormroom. then more. people kept hopping in to it. joe even stood up and started jigging as he played. they broke into some stuff from Designated Driver. i cheered up at the title track. slamming my hand in the table and stomping my feet along with them.. then i started in singing again. i didnt care. all night i had felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. just one more thing would have made them fall.

"im your designated driver; im gunna drive you everywhere. im that designated driver, gunna drive you anywhere. drink up your liquor, let down your hair. no the judge dont like refer, cops dont like gin; no that judge dont like refer, and the cops dont like gin; im your designated driver, let me help you in. well its my time baby; and i want some too. yeah its my time baby, i want mine too. im the designated driver, cant drink no booze."

i wanted those tears to fall. just like how i wanted hers to fall when we talked last week. i could see them in the corners of her eyes. i could see her face sag at points. but even when i told her to stop acting like this and let it go; she wouldnt. i wanted her to cry like i was crying. i wanted to see that she felt like just like i did. that it matters to me. that it hurts. that i didnt want this. that i wanted her. that she wanted me. but the tears wouldnt come for her. she stopped them. but no judgement to make. lots of reasons for that i suppose. not for mine. only 1 reason. only the one reason why i cried to her then. because i care about her; and i fell in love with her. but tonight those tears stayed in my eyes. it was hard. i thought it would have happened at a couple points. but it didnt. i wanted it too. but the band kept playing.

soon those songs, of sad lines, but happy melodies, kept getting brighter. that Gibson helps. all the tones are so bright off it. but not as much as those hitting the chords. i was bobbing along and forgetting what i as doing soon. about the time i had trouble seeing the band. the dance floor infront of me was so packed, you couldnt see them anymore, unless they stood. only rico the bass player stood. joe did from time to time. it was hard to pick out that person from the crowd; it was hard to see their head above everyone elses. the room was dark, and smokey. lights were around, and i wasnt feeling right. but it was so hard to pick her. just as hard as it was to find the band in that sea of muted color.

i looked at my watch... by then it was after 1am. id lost track of that many hours. i never stopped thinking, never stopped being me. but i tried. some more songs kicked up, faster tempo. Suitcase Boogie. love that song. i tried to remember where i was at. then someone grabbed me. some girl from the dance floor came over and pulled me up. im a terrible dancer. worse than i sing, if you believe that. she wasnt bad. dancing that is. she just smiled and laughed at me. she just kept laughing and we kept going. kept bumping into people, but no one cared. everyone was happy. everyone was moving. really the only way to move was if the whole crowd did. then they hit the end of the song. i turned to face her, and she looked up at me, and asked me what i was doing by myself. i told her, i was waiting on a friend, that was supposed to show up. she smiled at me, then laughed. she pinched my ear, and said--- "go back and wait for her." her friends pulled her off the floor and were going for the door, she waived, and like that she was gone. and i was standing by myself. they kicked into Chicago Northwestern Line; and i found my seat. singing along.

"2 miles ahead, 3 miles back. miles and miles of this railroad track. we are workin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. look at sally, look at jack. poundin spikes in that line of track; and we are working down Chicago's Northwestern Line. walkin knees, with the wind at our back, up and down this railroad track. C&W is right on time, rolling by at a half-past nine. big wheels here, big wheels there, they dont worry and they dont care. they are rollin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. "

i didnt get it. i still dont. how did she know i was waiting for a girl? how did she know i was by myself? why did she tell me to go wait for her? it hurt my head. i tried to drown it in ice-water; thats all April would bring me, (but she smiled about it) and a plate of fries... lathered in ketchup and salt. i still dont understand it. it hurts my head, even the day after, to think much about it. time. thats something she said. "time will tell" to me, at that time, it felt more like a way to brush me off. and maybe it was. i dont know. maybe it wasnt. i shouldnt think about it. i shouldnt pester her. but i had to do one more thing. i felt it when i sat there, i had one more thing i wanted to do for her. -=-=-=-=- it has nothing to do with you not comming out, not talking to me, not about breaking up, not about being busy, not about anything... youll see. i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to show you i care. i didnt have an address for you back home, or id have waited a month or so and randomly sent it then. but youll get it monday. you can call me if you want more explanation. but really, i want to give you the time you want. i just couldnt do this with that time, and its something i always wanted to do for you. its something you can take home. its something to let you know im not lying when i say i love you. 4 months, on the day you leave, isnt something to throw away. i think theres alot more. but i believe in you, and i care about you. i wish youd let me in. but ill give you your time now. -=-=-=-=-

i kept thinking about it as the night slid by. just before 2am, they announced they had to stop; only 1 more song. no one was happy. they said the police were going to come shut them down if they didnt, so they said theyd do a fun one for us all. from the first little dity off Joes fingers, played honest and faithful to the tune; we all knew it. people hugged, people cheered. some kissed. Keith yelled into a microphone that "I SEE KISSING ON THE DANCEFLOOR!" and he laughed shaking a finger at them. they played You Are My Sunshine. 7 people. started with a faithful, one string melody. pause. then into a twangy, chord bending, delta house blues version on guitar. then joined by the dobro, and the box for background. the bass started hitting, maracas and dreds started flying. and the harmonicas went on. it was in full swing then. the whole place got up. everyone but me. everyone sang.. even i did.

"sunshine, you are my sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you; please dont take my sunshine away"

they played it for 15 minutes. no one got tired. everyone had a trial or three with the melody; everyone sang everytime we hit a chorus break. the place was crazy. never seen that many people that happy; not from booze, from drugs, but from music and memories. to be happy to be around everyone else that was so happy; everyone happy from their own reasons; happy together, happy because of each other. happy to have some Sunshine in their life. i agreed. thats what sold me on what i had to do. everyone being happy. everyone having something to be happy about. somewhere out there someone wasnt happy. i want her to be happy; i want her to know she makes me happy. she'll know monday. she'll know someday.

but i wrote it down.
so then i though to myself, all how much fun it must be. to be one of them. they danced, together, all strangers, all people. they were together, and they were happy. to be one of them, would mean that i could never remain who i am-- as they all danced so merrily. friends. couples. lovers. -- the sobers and the drunks; the dancers with the wallflowers; tatoo's and straigh edge; old and young; the musicains and all these admiorers. -- all the feet tap and move, all them move this way. for all of them, this was life. this was living today. how i envied them all, for one night to forget it all; everything i brought with me, they abandoned. some are rejects adn some are stallwarts; but all of them have found security wrapped into the wall of muted colors. the excitement brought out only attracted more of them; this is one of the final nights they can forget it all. even if i couldnt. i scratch away on my pad, and they reach me. they had me dance with them; they had me share; and be merry. and if but for this last time; when they all danced on; they still will; they dance on now, in the back room at the mill.

[ ill put some of those songs up, album versions, in my AIM get file ]


[ PART 1 of a 2 PART SERIES]

question of the night... am i to be im-pressed, or de-pressed? [keep it in mind]

when walking home at 2am [ill get to that later], i hear giggling, girls giggling. drunk girl giggling. but its 2am, and im sure they are all out now. so walking to the blind corner of the Lindquist building; i look to my immediate right. low and behold. a young blonde lady [a true blonde, i noticed], wearing clothes far too small for her, is squatting with her pants and panties around her ankels, urinating. in full view of the public. back to the wall, business end facing the busy street. her hed and back are rested against the wall as shes going, she sees me, then reaches and half fondles my leg, before i could dodge her. i stop and look at her. shes a mess. so enebriated, she cant look up at me and keep staring at one fixed point with her head. still peeing all over herself, on her hands and onto her pants and underwear around her ankles. after the reach, she tries to stand, pushing her back and shoulders against the wall, thrusting her pelvis out at me, still peeing down herself. she takes both hands and sticks them in a certain place, and moans several times, rolling her head against the wall. she says something like [it was tough to understand her, and i was in shock] .. "oooohh... i want you, come home with me. " and is still peeing on herself, albeit a trickle now.

question is people; am i im-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive; or am i de-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2 am on a public street ?

lemme know.. IM me it or email me.

salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu ALVACADO5 on aol inst mes.

[part 2 is comming tomorrow]