[ PART 2 OF 2 ]

right now there is so much more than girls peeing going on in my head. this was probably my last night of freedom, before i go home. and even then, thats
only for a day or so before im back here to go to North Carolina for a week. but ive had alot on my mind lately. a lot happened this week. alot happened to me this week. i dont know where to start, read some of the older posts to see the highlights. but i wanted to spend tonight with someone special. someone i guess im not supposed to see; and who is trying to distance themselves from me. lot of reasons why. im not making any judgements about it. first off is i have to appologize then for the past day or so, where ive intrueded on that space. i feel bad for them. i care about them. its really hard to stop. then when i hear about how their week ended; it broke my heart all over again. twice in one week. mine and theirs. it was a judgement call; but i decided to bridge the waters, disregard the separation, and attempted to talk to them. no much response. no judgement to be made. i wasnt expecting much. i wanted them to know that i care about them deeply, and things that effect them still affect me. probably shouldnt work that way. but it does. i know better than to go against what they want; and in all honesty i may have ruined any chances at a future [if there even was one] by doing this. but, in my mind thats one conclusion. in my heart, theres another. and that part of me said i couldnt spend my life thinking about it. i had to do it. i had to do what came natural to me. in light of everything that happened to them; i went with it. i went to help console another human being, to be someone that they can trust without doubt; that allready knows everything about them and thier life, that could only be helpful. so i thought in my heart. it broke rank with my head; but it was my heart that was broken. i hope they understand that. if it were all reversed; deep down inside, i really would want a person to do the same thing for me. i really would want someone that cared deeply about me, that i had a past with, that i can trust with intimacies and my life. thats why. no judgement please. just understand me for what i did.

anyway. break ups are hard to deal with. i knew the local blues guru, Joe Price was supposed to be in town this week. i needed it. i needed that kind of music; the kind that plays the song of your heart; even when its sad. when your heart is broken, the strings sound like they could break. when it flutters, so does the pick hand. when inside, your soul just wants to wail and weep; that voice does it. back to the special-sharing part. to get over heartbreak, i guess you shouldnt spend time with the person that caused it. thats... thats a no brainer. but knowing what they went through. it wasnt about us not getting along; it was about everything in general. i needed something to be sad and to be happy with when it was over. i thought they needed a break, and stepping on that limb [as i comment about in the above paragraph], i bridged that gap of imposed distance to them. this worlds fucked up as it is; why couldnt two people be sad about life together for one night; even if they made each others lives sad? doesnt matter. only invited them. it was a no pressure thing. in fact i didnt even want to hear their straight up answer. i know, its childish of me. it only made me wonder even more, later that night, why they didnt come. only a few reasons to come, thousands not to. and they were busy. but anyway, no judgement. even if they said hell no, becuase it would be weird, they are within their rights. so i went to this place. i got a table for two. and i sat. honestly i didnt expect them to show. after 9 came, 9:30, 10 i knew it. but my heart jumped a little bit everytime the door opened. and it sunk a little more everytime it wasnt them. again.. no judgements to make. just my ownt thoughts. so i sat there. i went to enjoy the music. and to get drunk. something had to make it stop hurting inside. booze wasnt a good choice. its stupid of me to think it would be a fix all. its not. i remember telling someone once that its never good for solving problems, it only postpones them, and adds to them. but i did it. 45 dollar bar tab, by myself. whiskeys. beer. even took a random suggestion from a guy at the bar. i couldnt taste whatever it was he ordered for me. it burnt. all of it did. but the hurting was still there. so they set me up in a booth to watch the band. ate some food. and sat. left out my notes and book, and attempted to do some homework before the band materialized... about an hour late. but thats early for blues.

the music started. just joe. i noticed he had a gibson les paul now. wine red. beautiful. i envied him. thats the guitar i always wanted when i used to play. he started playing about 10 minutes to 10, to a full house, that only got fuller as the night went on. by my estimate, they had at least 60 people crammed into that back area at the start. by the end, i couldnt see the band. but i sat. it started to make a difference. i listend to the words of songs ive heard, that ive never paid much attention to. the thing that hit me most, was how someone playing this music didnt feel the way i did.... i felt crumpled and empty; and the songs played to that.

" just one thing, i dont understand; why i said goodbye; i had a good friend, she called me honey; now i am feelin sad; dreaming of what i once had, and i dont know why, why i said goodbye. i used to go home and sleep in my bed; all o my troubles would leave my head. tears and regrets- forever more; dryin my eyes and walkin the floor. and i dont, know why.... why i said goodbye"

maybe after 10 songs, a solid hour or so of playing, he brings his friends up. thats when it started really. all the music ive never heard. joe called them The Mill Boogie, parts 1, 2, 3, etc. beautiful stuff, just all off the cuff. later it was improvised by 7 different musicians at once. all they needed was someone to throw the pick at them, or give them the nod when to take a few bars. everyone else played accompaniment; even joe. the leader of this group... they called it, The Joe Price Blues Army, at the end of the night. but the music just kept flowing. kinda like joe and rolling rock. the waitstaff was tired of fetching him drinks. he nodded and winked at me once when i sent one over for him. couldnt do much else. after 10 minutes, i knew i should have brought something to record all this. this stuff was too good to forget about, or to be wasted on my head, that was swimming in a pool of liquor. everything felt fresh then--- not welcomed, just fresh. getting hurt all over again; reliving it through the music; remembering events from earlier that day; earlier that week; earlier than that. it all was like it just happened all over again. that my heart was thrown out on that dance floor. only 1 person was out there then, stomping and shuffling away, watching it go to pieces. so the music kept playing. i kept listening. april, my waitress, started sending me water. it was only 10:30 i guess. but she saw me come in the door, id been drinking since 7:30.

" in the middle of the night; oh what a mess; pull your blanket up tight; and put your arms around me. you were standin in your kitchen, tears rolling down your face, i began to comfort you; no one can take your place"

i just kept sitting there. id scratch away on my legal pad from time to time... this is where most of the lyrics are being transcribed from... accuracy isnt too important, Joe would agree. its about the feeling. i noticed that even he changes the words in his songs. i just wrote them down as i heard them. i tried to sing along when he hit my favorites. my voice cracked. i couldnt. i could tell how horribly out of tune i was. i never could sing worth a shit. the guy at the next table just smiled at me, clapped me on the shoulder, and started singing worse than i was. it felt a little better. but it wasnt the singing that broke my voice. it was everything. started thinking about it all. how useless i felt. how much i wanted to keep things the way they were for months; only recently did they change. how i thought back in mylife, when everything was fucked up. when nothing seemed right. when i had a couple people i could depend on to get me through it. i knew i was right for what ive done. i knew, that even if they didnt like it; they did. i needed another beer. i was trying to make sense out of everything that didnt make sense; i was trying to give answers for the one person that wouldnt give me any. i hated it. i hated myself. i hated that i could matter to someone anymore. i hated how everything was true and genuine in my mind, in my words and in my heart. i never use that phrase. just lately. i never believed much in the heart. never cared much for it. fortitude of the soul; that was my game. strong gut reaction. having strength and respect and something non-material to fall back on when you needed it. some form of non-planer resolve. heart, how fickle? Axl says it best, 'we both know hearts can change,' ironically he was speaking about hearts mending and comming back together, not going apart. thats what i wanted. i wanted them to come back. i wanted them to breakdown; to realize that i cared about them... i didnt have to. i didnt have any motives; no reasons to get with them; never harmed them; never was mean or cruel to them on purpose; appologized if it appeared so. i wanted them to stop and notice how much i care. and then everything to be allright. to have someone that i cared for, back in mylife, knowing that i cared for them. not just when it was easy; but when it was hard to. when my life was changing around me; i favored theirs. i wanted them to be back so i could feel vindicated and wanted again. but no one wants that from me.

the music played on, and i thought on. nobody wants me. if they did, they would never leave. never were anyreasons for them to go. only reasons to stay. to have someone unconditionally care for you; to hug you when its hard, to kiss you when its easy, and to stay with you when you are alone; god arent those the best reasons? arent those the only reasons to want someone? dont we all want a person like that? and here i was doing that. i was taking my share of shit sometimes [no judgement please] for things that werent my fault; and i took it everytime. never yelled back, never hit them, never told them to fuck off, never used them for sex, never for posterity, never for money, never for anything that they know has hurt them in the past. i wanted them because i felt, and maybe i do still feel so damn attracted to them. things that hurt them, hurt me. watching them go through these things hurts me, stays on my mind. i cant say thats all. ofcourse i was attracted to the most beautiful girl id ever met. i was attracted to that smile, her laugh, her touch. never went after it. she came to me. i guess i came to her. it felt so right. it still does. someone like that i cant stay mad at; i cant hate -- despite what im told from people; i still care about her. i hope she cares about me. i hope nothing she said was a lie. i hope she believed in the words she told me, like i believed in what i told her. thats why i drank. i drank with myself, i drank with my books, i drank with the bartender, with a stranger, and with the owner. Keith, its a great place you had for 40 years, im sad to see her go in 6 weeks. but whatever the hell that bourbon was you gave me was good.

i tried to tell him about it, and about her. he sat and listened. in retrospect, thats funny. in 40 years i wonder how many times hes had to hear stuff like that before. i wonder how many times he gets some special bottle out to pour a drink for some person, free of charge, and how much money hes lost on it all those years. 40. but he didnt laugh at me. he nodded, didnt say much. told me to have a drink. and so i did. he also talked me into food later. the chili and fries are great. had to soak up that booze with something.. and i was getting hungry. i had to fill that space in me with something.

so i still sat there, on a worn, hardwood bench, in a booth, meant for more than 1, all by myself. i listened to music, i had drank, and i wrote feverishly. i listend to the sad music of life; and i did it alone. the crowd got larger as they played. nearly doubled by midnight. i couldnt see the bar in the back, it was standing room only. dirty looks from people, taking up a whole booth to myself. but no judgement to be made. the music started to change, bit by bit. happier, bouncier songs. new musicians took the stage with him. first it was vicki on guitar and vocals, then rico on bass. later dusty on a dobro, plus this 60 year old george clinton look-alike with maraccas and sticks to be makeshif percussion. then a guy they introduced as mikey, i think, on accordian. then the brough up a chair infront of the stage, keith came out. plays harmonica i guess. had a steel case full. all in different keys. the stage was out of room; some sat on the wall, some on the ground; or on amps... no more room to plug in amps either. out of spots on the mixer board, so they just cranked the amp they plugged into a wall. and they played on.

the music kept getting livlier. kept growing. getting louder. soon there wasnt one person dancing, there were 20. on a dance floor not much bigger than a dormroom. then more. people kept hopping in to it. joe even stood up and started jigging as he played. they broke into some stuff from Designated Driver. i cheered up at the title track. slamming my hand in the table and stomping my feet along with them.. then i started in singing again. i didnt care. all night i had felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. just one more thing would have made them fall.

"im your designated driver; im gunna drive you everywhere. im that designated driver, gunna drive you anywhere. drink up your liquor, let down your hair. no the judge dont like refer, cops dont like gin; no that judge dont like refer, and the cops dont like gin; im your designated driver, let me help you in. well its my time baby; and i want some too. yeah its my time baby, i want mine too. im the designated driver, cant drink no booze."

i wanted those tears to fall. just like how i wanted hers to fall when we talked last week. i could see them in the corners of her eyes. i could see her face sag at points. but even when i told her to stop acting like this and let it go; she wouldnt. i wanted her to cry like i was crying. i wanted to see that she felt like just like i did. that it matters to me. that it hurts. that i didnt want this. that i wanted her. that she wanted me. but the tears wouldnt come for her. she stopped them. but no judgement to make. lots of reasons for that i suppose. not for mine. only 1 reason. only the one reason why i cried to her then. because i care about her; and i fell in love with her. but tonight those tears stayed in my eyes. it was hard. i thought it would have happened at a couple points. but it didnt. i wanted it too. but the band kept playing.

soon those songs, of sad lines, but happy melodies, kept getting brighter. that Gibson helps. all the tones are so bright off it. but not as much as those hitting the chords. i was bobbing along and forgetting what i as doing soon. about the time i had trouble seeing the band. the dance floor infront of me was so packed, you couldnt see them anymore, unless they stood. only rico the bass player stood. joe did from time to time. it was hard to pick out that person from the crowd; it was hard to see their head above everyone elses. the room was dark, and smokey. lights were around, and i wasnt feeling right. but it was so hard to pick her. just as hard as it was to find the band in that sea of muted color.

i looked at my watch... by then it was after 1am. id lost track of that many hours. i never stopped thinking, never stopped being me. but i tried. some more songs kicked up, faster tempo. Suitcase Boogie. love that song. i tried to remember where i was at. then someone grabbed me. some girl from the dance floor came over and pulled me up. im a terrible dancer. worse than i sing, if you believe that. she wasnt bad. dancing that is. she just smiled and laughed at me. she just kept laughing and we kept going. kept bumping into people, but no one cared. everyone was happy. everyone was moving. really the only way to move was if the whole crowd did. then they hit the end of the song. i turned to face her, and she looked up at me, and asked me what i was doing by myself. i told her, i was waiting on a friend, that was supposed to show up. she smiled at me, then laughed. she pinched my ear, and said--- "go back and wait for her." her friends pulled her off the floor and were going for the door, she waived, and like that she was gone. and i was standing by myself. they kicked into Chicago Northwestern Line; and i found my seat. singing along.

"2 miles ahead, 3 miles back. miles and miles of this railroad track. we are workin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. look at sally, look at jack. poundin spikes in that line of track; and we are working down Chicago's Northwestern Line. walkin knees, with the wind at our back, up and down this railroad track. C&W is right on time, rolling by at a half-past nine. big wheels here, big wheels there, they dont worry and they dont care. they are rollin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. "

i didnt get it. i still dont. how did she know i was waiting for a girl? how did she know i was by myself? why did she tell me to go wait for her? it hurt my head. i tried to drown it in ice-water; thats all April would bring me, (but she smiled about it) and a plate of fries... lathered in ketchup and salt. i still dont understand it. it hurts my head, even the day after, to think much about it. time. thats something she said. "time will tell" to me, at that time, it felt more like a way to brush me off. and maybe it was. i dont know. maybe it wasnt. i shouldnt think about it. i shouldnt pester her. but i had to do one more thing. i felt it when i sat there, i had one more thing i wanted to do for her. -=-=-=-=- it has nothing to do with you not comming out, not talking to me, not about breaking up, not about being busy, not about anything... youll see. i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to show you i care. i didnt have an address for you back home, or id have waited a month or so and randomly sent it then. but youll get it monday. you can call me if you want more explanation. but really, i want to give you the time you want. i just couldnt do this with that time, and its something i always wanted to do for you. its something you can take home. its something to let you know im not lying when i say i love you. 4 months, on the day you leave, isnt something to throw away. i think theres alot more. but i believe in you, and i care about you. i wish youd let me in. but ill give you your time now. -=-=-=-=-

i kept thinking about it as the night slid by. just before 2am, they announced they had to stop; only 1 more song. no one was happy. they said the police were going to come shut them down if they didnt, so they said theyd do a fun one for us all. from the first little dity off Joes fingers, played honest and faithful to the tune; we all knew it. people hugged, people cheered. some kissed. Keith yelled into a microphone that "I SEE KISSING ON THE DANCEFLOOR!" and he laughed shaking a finger at them. they played You Are My Sunshine. 7 people. started with a faithful, one string melody. pause. then into a twangy, chord bending, delta house blues version on guitar. then joined by the dobro, and the box for background. the bass started hitting, maracas and dreds started flying. and the harmonicas went on. it was in full swing then. the whole place got up. everyone but me. everyone sang.. even i did.

"sunshine, you are my sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you; please dont take my sunshine away"

they played it for 15 minutes. no one got tired. everyone had a trial or three with the melody; everyone sang everytime we hit a chorus break. the place was crazy. never seen that many people that happy; not from booze, from drugs, but from music and memories. to be happy to be around everyone else that was so happy; everyone happy from their own reasons; happy together, happy because of each other. happy to have some Sunshine in their life. i agreed. thats what sold me on what i had to do. everyone being happy. everyone having something to be happy about. somewhere out there someone wasnt happy. i want her to be happy; i want her to know she makes me happy. she'll know monday. she'll know someday.

but i wrote it down.
so then i though to myself, all how much fun it must be. to be one of them. they danced, together, all strangers, all people. they were together, and they were happy. to be one of them, would mean that i could never remain who i am-- as they all danced so merrily. friends. couples. lovers. -- the sobers and the drunks; the dancers with the wallflowers; tatoo's and straigh edge; old and young; the musicains and all these admiorers. -- all the feet tap and move, all them move this way. for all of them, this was life. this was living today. how i envied them all, for one night to forget it all; everything i brought with me, they abandoned. some are rejects adn some are stallwarts; but all of them have found security wrapped into the wall of muted colors. the excitement brought out only attracted more of them; this is one of the final nights they can forget it all. even if i couldnt. i scratch away on my pad, and they reach me. they had me dance with them; they had me share; and be merry. and if but for this last time; when they all danced on; they still will; they dance on now, in the back room at the mill.

[ ill put some of those songs up, album versions, in my AIM get file ]