Friday, February 07, 2003


Bob Dylan - Dont Think Twice

" well it ain't no use, to sit and wonder why babe if you dont understand by now || and it ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe, it'll never do some how || when your rooster crows at the break of dawn; look out your window and ill be gone || youre the reason im a travelin' on; but dont think twice, its allright "

its allways a difficult life for me. people like to add complications to everything i do; question everything i say, and demand to know what i think... then ultimately hate my ideas, act against my wishes, and want to argue with or censor anything else i have to say. its a wonderful feeling being wanted; but not liked. especially by all of the masses at once. its so rewarding, that at the end of each day, i can return home to the insults, jests and spite from others. god i love it. each day, i get even more reason to piss people off, and even more free reign to do it... you all open the gates, and in your actions; you justify my own. but. i dont dwell on this. i leave that for you all. i do my work each day, and i move on to the next. i admit to my faults, and my mistakes; and move past them. so stop watching for me out there; out in the realm of evil and vile perpetuate, ill be moving on as well as i can.

" ain't no use in a turnin' on your light babe, the light i never knowed || and it ain't no use in turnin' on your light babe, cuz im on the dark side of the road || but i wish there was something you could do or say; to try and make me change my mind and stay || but we never did much talkin' anyway... dont think twice, its allright "

some people appearantly think that, that alone is enough for me to change everything i do. not so. it motivates me to keep going. some day ill stop. some day, you all will wear me down so far, that i become nothing less than a nub of the honed point that i once was. and then, in my days of soft and unfocused actions; youll get your wish from me. smile then, all of you, on that day when i finally die, you will be free of me once more. until then, im sure your thoughts are not likely to linger far from that great hope, that lies just over the horizon.

" oh there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; like you never done before || an there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; i cant hear ya anymore || im a thinkin and a wondering; wondering down the road || i once loved the woman; a child i am told || id give her my heart, but she wanted my soul... dont think twice, its allright "

so you may be asking yourself, why is he all pissed off? to be quite honest i really dont know. its just a feeling i have right now. the feeling of utter contempt from those around me, abandonment, disillusionment, and disatisfaction... all rolled up in one big bite. then its back for seconds. i dont really know why. just not too happy with life and everything at the moment. so far this semester, ive enjoyed two days where i was away from home less than 12 straight hours. it grates away at my nerves. like bad road rash, i keep picking at it, and scratching away my existence, thinking it will bring relief, and it does not. not that im surprised. just that its not the way id have hoped it would be. so many things are just upside down from what i would have guessed them to be. sorry if none of this is coherent. its not really meant to be. there is alot running around in my mind now. its tough enough for me to make any sense of it, i can hardly imagine anyone else being able to do it.

" so long honey-babe; where im bound, i cant tell || goodbye is too good a word babe, so i just say fair thee well || i aint a sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better, but i dont mind || instead you just wasted my precious time, but dont think twice, because its allright "

there was a night, not long ago, where i just could not sleep. i knew, that at 4am, i just wasnt going to fall asleep... even if, it would matter, id have to be up in less than 2 hours. so i just layed there. and i thought. i thought alot about what its like to be alone, to be hopeless, and to be defeated; i thought about why none of that applied to me. and then i thought about why alot of that did apply to me. i thought, to myself, why was it i can never gain much security in the things i want most from life? i couldnt think of an answer. i couldnt think of why people avoid me. i couldnt find any reason or fault for why id be singled out and left behind. i couldnt find the reasons that friends would use language of a cruel and spitefilled nature towards me. i couldnt find a reason why all throughout my past, ive been rejected just for offering myself; no gimicks, no prizes, only me. i tried to think like i was you'all. i tried to sit, and find some sense to what you all do... to why you say things the way you do... to why you change your attitudes towards me... but i couldnt do it. i couldnt grasp the very essence of the question--- i couldnt get past the Why stage. i tried to think up all the reasons that some of you use to create different faces for me. at one moment your even, respectable and genuine. at others you are nothing of even a shadow of whom i know. and sometimes that takes minutes, and sometimes that takes months. i still cant get over the Whys. i lied, starring out the window, frosted over, looking into the darkness of the building across the street, through the leafless tree in the yard. i saw the tree stripped of everything colorfull. i saw the branches bare and gnarled, and the ground baren underneath it. i saw myself standing outside; gone were my colorful expressions and goodnature. baren were the branches of my friendship and companionship. stipped naked in the cold, dark land, i stood, only able to shake my hands at the faces, like mine, that must be staring out at me. no more sounds. no more protesting. all of it dropped now. like the leaves on the ground; my resistence too had fallen away to the slings and jests of those around me. those precious pieces of my, were nothing but crumpled aspirations, tarnished from the elements, ground under your feet... all of which in my plain sight; all of which i watched happen. i looked away from the window. i looked out past it. out to the cold pavement, the coolness and smooth texture, illuminated under the street lamp from the corner. i traced its path, from left to right; from past to present; and i saw on it, the path of my life. alone and cold, there was one man on the corner, he was moving away from the light-- but his back was not to me. no, he faced the windows into the world around; and stood broad stanced towards the faces that must look out to mock him. but he moved farther from the light. i watched him walk. his pace slow and uneven. large steps and short steps, heavy ones and light; but he moved on. far from my sight, and far away from those that must surely see him out there, all alone. by himself. moving to his future. it was as empty as the streets he walked at night; and thats how i felt when i thought that night. thats how it all seemed to be. thats how its all come to be. that is how you all leave me be.