well... another christmas is over and done. i think this is the first year i can remember that i didnt get a bunch of junk. which im glad. i also didnt get a lot of good stuff either. this year was pretty much the year of my sister and her house. everyone else kinda paled in comparison to it. my parents got her new appliances for the house, plus normal stuff. really hard when you are up against that. i got a hawkeye tie, two dress shirts, hawkeye monopoly and a couple dvds' but really that was about it. i told my parents there wasnt much i really wanted anymore. which is a lie of sorts. there is plenty that i want. just. its stuff they cant really go out and buy for me. i really want a new job. that pays money. i want a girlfriend. id like a best friend. id go for a place to live. maybe it would be nice to get those loans absolved. stuff like that. so while the ps2 games and clothes, and things with batteries flew about. i was pretty much forgotten about 20 minutes after it began. which. in retrospect might be a good thing. sometimes its easier to be forgotten, than to be remembered and have to languish about. its a simpler fate to quickly dissolve than to be the one lump left in the glass. so. .... well i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. i keep thinking how jealous i am of other people. school friends that dont have to do shit for weeks, friends out in california, someone flies out for london tomorrow, and just others with real careers. and im still sitting here, rotting in my parents basement, hoping that tomorrow never comes. i really am not doing well with this job. maybe its a reflection of me, and maybe is just reflecting on me. but. this is not what i want to do with my life. on friday i found out i lost a bid for a copier with a current [now former] customer. it was about the only deal i had going for me. she didnt even bother to give me a reason. and i had to call her 4 times to get the answer that i didnt want. now dont get me wrong, the deal would have only been worth about 120 dollars to me... [3 dollars per month over 42 months], but. it still makes me mad. in 60 days now, ive not managed to come up with a single sale that ive prospected for. ive crashed about 400 business and churches for nothing. this was one that came to me from my boss. and his words were "well, its unfortunate that she decided against us." then we went back to adding up his sales for the year. i got to sit at my empty cube, and stamp my empty commission form to send to payroll. sigh. no body wants to buy copiers now. and they dont want someone going around door to door. i wouldnt. but thats appearantly how this place thinks we need to do business. it just doesnt make much cents for me. they pay me something pathetic like 1,300 per month, then hit that up the ass with taxes, insurance and the like, and i take home about 1,000 or so. they wont pay for mileage for me. last month i put on almost 2,600 miles. i lost count how many tanks of gas at 40 dollars a pop. figure i fill up 3 times a week, and that adds up to 120 dollar a week. thats almost 500 per month. half my net pay goes into gasoline. just short of 300 is my car payment. about 80 for credit card and cell phone. and you can see why i say it doesnt make cents for me. tomorrow, i end up in clinton all day, in the area where this deal fell through. trying to talk to former customers about god-knows-what. i just dont see it. i guess the worst part is, its the only job ive found out there. aside from a mcdonalds type place. i dunno. i always thought that at 25, with a college degree, id make more than i did when i was 17, and still in high school. but im not. some things never change. like never looking forward to getting back to the world after a holiday. like never getting anything back out of life. like ... like putting your time and effort into trying to make something work, and watching it just fly away. without a word. it bugs me. that in more than just a shitty job failing to sell shitty copiers, im failing alot more than than. im really struggling with getting on into a real life. the transition from family owned life, into the fledgling my-own-life in school, has given away to the groudning of i-hate-my-life life. which really is just like the family-owned life, but it strips away your dignity, income, and adds 10 years to your life. merry christmas for opening that bag of presents. the one marked "life" should have been left in the car. at this point. im looking for a way out. a ripcord to pull. a place to jump off. and hopefully a place to jump into . i cant see myself doing this much longer. the entire thing.... the living at home, the i cant hardly pay my bills on my fulltime salary, and the being lonely and single separation blues feeling. i guess what i should have written on my list for christmas this year, was a bit of compasison... a splash of sex, and doseage of utility for myself. its not that im completely inadept. i hope. its just this life is not letting me do anything that im comfortable doing, or good at doing. appearantly, im not good a selling 60,000 dollar copiers... appearantly, im not good at convincing even one girl that id like her to take me seriously. appearantly, i still dont have motivation, eagerness, attentiveness, and all those other things my parents said i was lacking. ofcourse, none of them were under the tree for me this year either. alot of things werent.