Thursday, April 10, 2003

nothing is worse then when youre tired, but cant fall asleep. i was stupid.. i should have held it... i was almost asleep, then i had to make that last pitstop for the night. now here i am, an hour later; tired, weary, and talking to sean, because i cant sleep. sleep isnt necessary i guess. im sick again, by the way. should have figured, i was thirsty the other day, and stopped to drink at a public water fountain. shouldnt do that. EVERYTIME i do that, i get about 5 days [at most] and ive got a sore throat and a cough. sometimes a head ache. but generally sick feeling. the body is tired and sick. but the mind is active. ive also found thats the reason i can generally never fall asleep. its that my mind is moving too fast, or is too active to let me. tonight too.

i wanted to go to bed early, but spent too long doing homework thats appearantly not even due tomorrow.... instead of doing homework that IS due tomorrow. so im fretting about that. i tried going back to it, but i just cant do latin when my eyes hurt. it makes my brain hurt. so then i tried to lay there and do nothing. that dont work. my mind drifts from thing to thing, but eventually keeps landing back on one thing in particular. its only been a couple days, but i miss her. its terrible to admit that out loud. that you miss someone after a couple days. besides, how can i miss anyone that lives 200 yards from me? yeah, then i found myself thinking about that. thinking about what distance is; and how we preceive it to be. i can sit next to someone and feel miles apart from them; and i can be miles apart from someone and feel inches away. its about where you get put in their life i guess. distance makes that little of a difference; its the emotional odometer that accounts for the real mileage. its about knowing where you rank, and why you do it all, that ends up mattering the most in where you stand in relation to someone. again, physical distance isnt a good indicator. emotional distance, like an odometer, can be fixed. you can set it and fuck with it-- you can lie about the actual miles; you can delude yourself about how far you really have come with someone. then you run into problems about comming back in. cant ever tell how far off the map youve run, when you have no idea how long youve traveld. but thats where They have to come in. thats where you need that other person... to judge the distance for you, to reassure you where your at; to check the map, so to speak, for you occasionally. its difficult when youre on that ride by yourself. its hard feeling like your doing the driving, and no ones watching out for you. i dunno. but i do, i guess.. people always assume its different than it is. most of the time i do too. but i rarely see her. go and make the argument that she stays over, but that doesnt count. we sleep. its not really spending time together. i then leave early, or sleep in; and she does the opposite. so there goes that. its hard sometimes, watching everyone else work so well, then feeling like its not working for you. but it is. isnt it? maybe. you always want things to be different. you always want to wake her up in the morning to spend 5 more minutes with her. but she likes to sleep. she doesnt want you to interrupt. so you just end up standing there, watching her. knowing how ungodly creepy it would be if shed wake up, or if someone would walk in... but its hard not to. its as close as you can get sometimes, while letting her do her thing. anway she wants to sleep. she practices alot. and here i am, after 3 am, supposed to be getting up in less than 3 hours; angry at someone whom i never see, because she gets to sleep, and is good at falling asleep when she wants to. yeah, even sean stopped talking to me now. ugh. i must be insane. i must be terrible at conversation when im like this.

so i continue to ramble on. i could write pages really. about life, about me, about her. probably about anything. but its all rambling. none of it matters. thats what ive surmounted. ive placed my flag atop the tallest peak of self resiliance, that nothing matters anymore. grades? they dont matter. no one cares what your gpa is after you get that 40 thousand dollar piece of paper [thats likely to earn you less than 40k per year]; friends? nah. they dont matter much at all. friends come, friends go. friends do, and friends do without you. cant waste time on that shit. Others? maybe they matter. but they only matter to you, if you let them. no one else cares. no one else gives a god damn if youre single or not. unless youre pretty. then everyone wants you to be available. so like i said, its if it matters to you.. it don' matter much to anyone else or anything else. it dont matter at all what you say. people always hate you for what you say. they hate you for being better than them, they hate you for being right. they blame you for what they do, especially if you say it. so you cant say anything. why bother, its not worth anything if you do. its just more fodder for people to chew you up with later on. cant really care either. if you start to care, you want to keep on doing it. you want to care about more than just one person. but ya cant. they dont. why should you? so you go on caring anyway. spend your time thinking and hoping, and hanging on words like prayers. thats all you do. just hang on. you get bucked around that way. so you better hang on. or let go. its your choice. but it dont matter much at 3 am.... nothing does.