Friday, January 24, 2003

Current Musical Selection: Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)


STUPID SCHOOL
first week of classes... cant you just feel the excitement? not i. i havent even bought books for most of them yet. only for one class where we've had to be doing work in it so far. ill get to it at some point im sure. for now i just cant get too motivated about it. which is kinda ironic in a sense, because i have yet to skip a class... yes, its only the first week; but i like to start my habits early... never give the TA a chance to learn my name, so they never notice when im gone or not-- thats my method. it will happen soon enough tho. these classes are pains in the ass, lots of requirements to fill, and lots of busybullshit work to do for it. not looking forward to it. maybe one positive or two in them, Holstein is really cool. id allways heard alot about him from other students, but man.. he is very engaging. he lectures much the same that i probably would, and hits on issues and subjects that arent necessarily directly at hand. he spent 35 minutes, talking on the layered irony of the story of the serpent tempting Even in the Garden of Eden. he has an interesting read on things. very different than say... Steinberg. the vietnam class i was hoping to take as my fun class allready has me getting pissed off.... its not about the amount of work, its about the lecturing he does. several things had me hitting the desk and taking notes--- not for remember, but to look up counter examples of why his take isnt necessarily correct. frustrating. every semester i seem to find one teacher that does that. first it was Keith Driver in rhetoric, then it was Sarah Hanley in history, then it was Celestna Albonetti in stats, then Louis Gonzalez with environmental shit. this time its Allen Steinberg, with world and vietnam history. im dreading writing the papers for it now. ill never get the chance to write about what i think happened, ill be too busy spending my space refuting everything he throws out of his mouth. more frustation. thats really what i need more of in my life.

'POENAS DARE'
people arent much better. they like to toss complication on the fire, as if it needed more fuel to burn. i just try not to let it all get to me. its not that i dont see it, or dont care, its just i have to keep myself from caring about it all. im quite sure by now, that everything is intentional... everyone infact, does everything they ever do because they want to, and because thats what they want to happen. i dont buy the subconcious driven argument for most of this stuff. it just wouldnt come into play in most of these circumstances; instead, its a conceited and focused effort to do what they do. and i hope i never degenerate to what they do. when maybe my pure joy in life, or sole method of confronting life, was to ignore it. when my way of coping with people around me, is to hate them. i hope i never decided to totally shut off the world around me; that is actively seeking my attention and companionship. the man on the street corner i can, and will ignore, but the man next to me, who is trying to extend the frienship of one to another, i hope i never will turn away from; much as these people do. instead, its the simplest and most carring and compasionate of responses to accept his offer, and return the gesture [if need be]. but it is not as i would do. people are not as i would think. oddly, im the one labeled harshly for efforts of unnoticed activity. those efforts, never seen for what they are, ironically, are returned with overt actions of chiding nature, of snobbishness, of childish tantrums, and simple ignorance of the fact. it is the way in which i live my life, that i notice more so, the way others live their own lives. by no stretch of the imagination am i reincarnation of saint-hood or of moral correctness. i do though, exhibit the things in life of which i most believe in. but, it is i that suffers for each act that i do. each deed that i enter into, and each word that i speak; i am repaid with the debts of others moral fortitude. i seek the best in people, and am offered the worst for what i do in return. offer a gift: receive no thanks. remind someone of your honesty: they will lie to you. seek out those to enjoy special days with you: they will abandon yours and encourage you to partake in another's. the price of love is hatred and despise. speech is met with silence, homage and respect are met with despair and relent. and so i let it go. let them continue on their way, and let them do it without me.

AWARENESS
the past few days brought some especially interesting events. i guess its about being aware, and maybe i really havent been so much. a friend of mine from my freshman year here just had his father pass away. i had no idea. he and i were even in a class together this past semester, and he never mentioned anything about it. he didnt let on to anything else either... its sad. i know him, and his sister, and really he was one of the first people i met on my floor; he sits next to me in class, we make idle chat; but i never had any idea about what happened to him and his life. i never had any idea. and if i hadnt stopped to talk to him on my way through to eat dinner one night, i guess i might not have ever found out. its all really odd, how well you know people, but you dont. its about being aware of things that arent there, to beable to know whats going on. to see fully what the picture is showing, without being there to see it.

s.


Monday, January 20, 2003

Current Musical Selection: 'Mississippi' John Hurt - Spike Driver Blues

well another semester is about to begin... i cant say im excited in the least. more work. more headaches. more professors. classes start for me at 8am tomorrow morning... and here it is at 11:15, and im not even tired.. sleeping will be difficult tonight. so many things to think about and so many things i shouldnt think about. shit from last semester is still carrying over [of course] and future things havent even hit the radar yet. its going to be a long semester.

s.