Monday, January 02, 2006

well... now that new years has come and gone... now comes the last holiday of the winter for me. my birthday. normally, id take this space to make up some rant about the past year. or what i expect from the coming year. or something of that nature. i dont know that i really feel like doing that this time. i just dont know why. alot of things are different this year. i cant say im thrilled about any one thing in particualr thats happened. but. i know that deep down there are alot of things im somewhat happy about. like the jeep. while im not happy about mega premiums on car insurance, or 275 a month in payments, i AM happy to have it. its one of those vehicles i should have owned along time ago. it fits me. and as far as im concerned i like it alot. take my job. while i hate it. and while it doesnt pay me squat. its a definite step up. as far as real world jobs. i guess, i can say im learning alot about how business gets done on a level above hourly minions. its gritty. its difficult. and its not altogether rewarding. but. its a different situation than where i was a year ago. kinda. i mean. i guess im still schilling copiers and warranties... but the price point has changed... take my nonexistent love life. i think that, a year ago i was pretty well considering giving up. this year im only moderately considering giving it up. in all honesty, its not really any different, but its a mental outlook that changed a bit. i thought, that after what i went through wtih a certain someone, and several others, id seen enough of the writing to know the story. and maybe i have. but i went out and took a chance on someone this summer that might be something for me. i just dont know. the difference is this year i took a chance again, instead of letting it go by. this year i walked up to her late at night and told her how i felt, because i felt it. period. while i can say that nothings really ended up all happy faces and hearts; its not terrible i guess. she didnt scream at me. she cried for the right reasons. but like everything else this year, im stuck in the middle of somewhere... somewhere between where i was coming from and to somewhere i want to be. with my car its not a brand new bmw. but its mine, and its nice enough. with my job, im not making any money, im stressed out and i hate it, but i dont do bathrooms or move pallets or polish floors, i deal only with the job now. and thats moving closer to a real job. with my relationships. yes, i want this girl really badly. but im not there yet. so far she hasnt decided that she really wants much to do with me. but im not done with her yet. for the first time, she used the word "date" and me in the same sentence when we were setting up plans. thats progress. and as we see in iraq, new orleans, and other places, progress takes alot of time to unfold. even if im unhappy. even if i hate my life as it is. even if im so poor that the only way to live is move back home; its about progress. its about moving forward. its about me, wanting to get somewhere that i want to be. if thats the plush leather seat of a car, if thats a glossy finished oak executive board room, or if thats holding some redheads hand and watching her smile; then thats where i want to progress to. its not about sitting here. its not about hating my life. its about getting to the point where i dont hate it anymore. and thats what i guess, i want to remember about this year.

deep down, i have to say something about my birthday. i have to say that every year it does seem more and more like a farce than the year before. each year, it gets harder to sit around a dinner table with my parents, and open a box with socks, one with a shirt, and one with some kind of candy. it gets harder to look at a frosted cake and feel like its all a meaningful step in my life. ... .... ... when i was a kid, i ran around all excited about cake and being an idiot. when i got a bit older, it became about the toys i could ask for and get. when i got older still, it became a reason to get new clothes or to go out to eat. the last couple it became a chance to see some friends. and this year, im just looking for some purpose for it. if this is going to be a year i remember for progress, then a birthday cant be about cake, or toys, or clothes. it cant have much to do about friends. its got to have something to do with me, and what im going to end up with. turning 25 is one of my last steps in the life plan i had for myself, where i can still have flexibility about my life. after this, im going to be more rigidly constrained. im at the point where a solid percentage are married. in the next year or so, its going to be a majority. and where will i be? this year, most of my friends are getting into jobs for careers sakes. in the next couple its going to be a career payscale and responsibility. and where will i be? right now my friends are starting to group and cluster off. their own lives are rapidly becoming more important than their friends IN their lives. in the next couple of years, friends like me will get factored out almost entirely. and where will i be? its alot to think about. alot more than looking at pink candles aglow on a chocolate cake. because each year i blow out more candles, i blow out more chances for my own life. some day, that cake will have 90 on it. and then what? ill stop and say how the years flew by or something slight, but in reality, it happened one year at a time. it happened each time i stopped to look at that cake.

so then what is it that i want this year? i know, but i dont know. i know that i dont want to be left behind. i know that i dont want every year to end up like this one. i dont know how im supposed to go about changing things, and i dont know where im going to be next year. but i know what i want eventually. i think. and i suppose that a place to start. and i know where i am at now. i know that i dont want to be the guy, sitting in his car, eating taco bell looking at everyone elses life and wishing it was his own. i know that when i sit there on my lunch hour, and see the good looking girls jogging past, or pushing strollers of kids, i know that someday i hope thats my good looking girl out jogging, or pushing a stroller full of kids, while im out at lunch. i hope that someday, its not like it is today for me.