Friday, January 31, 2003

Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Mountain of Blues

its been a while. its been a long while. by the calendar, its been only about a week, but in my mind and my life its been about a month. life moves fast now. now that everything is in hurry up mode. going to class isnt enough, gotta study too. office hours arent enough, gotta live at the office. makes for very long days. in fact the past week has shown me 4 consecutive 12-hour plus days... today being in the neighborhood of 15 hours. its not right. its not fair. but its how it is. i found myself dreading it, eventhough i knew the time was comming for all of this, but i still couldnt do anything about it. so here i am. tried, frazzled, frustrated. and looking at less than 6 hours sleep, before im on again for another 15. i really wish i could be one of those people that dont do anything. i wish i could be lazy and worthless, and not make it out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. for me now, i dont see the sun. im up and gone before its totally light outside, and home long, long after dark. it really mashes the days together that way... when you never see the daylight. when you cant really tell that today is different than yesterday, other than you think it is... according to the calendar atleast.

tonight is not really a good time for me to be writing in this .. i really do need to finish up on homework and get some sleep. but lately ive wanted to talk about somethings, that i just really cant. i wanted to talk about changes. i wanted to talk about the changes in people that ive noticed of late. ive wanted to, for quite some time, just speak a peace about their lack of peace. but i dont really have the words to day any of it. i guess im confused by it all, and a little taken back. one person, for example, whom a year ago, would have done anything but 'go out' is now at a bar, drinking the night away it seems. i knew it would claim another person, thats not the point. just that it was them. i dont understand why. i dont understand the changes that must be present in them to make that kind of flip in attitude and action. its depressing. and i cant help but feel guilty about it in some minor way. i can remember a conversation with another person about how, to me, they would seem to be the type of person that would relish in bar-ho activity, out of the interest in the attraction of others. they were pretty angry that i said that. but now. now they are one. now they are no different than the rest, only spared the anger im sure.. it was sent my way some time ago.

it must be hell to do that to yourself. to collapse upon all morals and descency and selfinterest; to sell it all out for attention from others, in destructive ways. people want to be known for whom they are. now they are known by a reputation, or an outfit they wear. people want to be loved and respected as individuals, and now theyve allowed themself to become one with the mass of destitute souls, interested, appearntly, in only the kind of love that doesnt need names, and lasts only one night. changes are all around us everyday, and its not that we are complacent to them. i question them. i dislike them. i wonder about them. but all of that really means nothing. just like the ideas we may once have held... the ones that we were willing to wash away with the lipstick on ourface from the night before... or flush down the proverbial shitter, as they flush away the contraceptives in the litteral shitter. they let it all mean nothing, when it means so much. they are content to settle for the immature desires of the flesh, and cry themselves to sleep in the nights of their agony, when they realize the futility of the dreams they really seek. its much easier that way. its much easier to look like all the other girls i guess. its much easier to sleep around like they do. its much easier to draw the attention from equally scandalous males, like all the other girls. its much easier to cry about your sense of identity and self that way. its much easier when you create the reasons for your misery. its much easier to make that change, than to live the alternative i suppose.

what was once nutured is now abandoned. i reallize my mistakes, and now you all can let me regret them as well. what do i mean? i mean i saw the people that were around me. i surrounded myself with them, because of who they were. and now, thats all they are... nothing more than who they were, standing, walking, talking, shadows that live in my mind. people who had genuine uniqeness and character unto themselves, now are devoid that. they chose it their way, they chose it the same way everyone else did. and it saddens me very much to watch it happen. one act here, one night there... now its twice per weekend... now its weekends and schoolnights... first its attitude, and then it was belief structure... and now? now the motivation is acceptance. acceptance into the one culture where someone as unique as them can be devoured into a group that values only similarity. a group that allows them to waste away into acceptance, and wash away the sins of individuality and maturity. let them brandish the scars of fleshy desires and tripe behavior in a secluded world of recluses... all gathered in one place... all gathered for each other's support. without that their identity's would shatter; if they couldnt support each other. if they couldnt gratify each other in an explicit nature. changes.