Tuesday, January 18, 2005

i am jack's undaunting sense of horrific flashback.


well class starts tomorrow. back to fun with Magister Marcus. we all adored the Magistra, but Mark isnt going to make us do shit. no one is demanding otherwise. im sure hell have assignments... probably some quizes too... [he mentioned vocab is still important {bwahahaha}]. but tomorrow marks the begining of the end really. come may something er other, i will be done. hopefully on my way far, far away from this wretched place. while i did learn a few things here... aside from latin, bits of hebrew and a miserable failure of spanish. some things really just never meshed well with me. and i cant honestly say without remorse of heart, that im going to miss the university of iowa. i might miss being a student. getting information on subjects no one does. being nameless in a group, being expected to be worthless to society. but ive spent too long here. for far, far too little. i am no different than when i walked into the doors of Phillips Hall, that first morning on campus. back when i actually carried a map with me to jog my mind how to find that North Hall, that was hidden from view... and now i carry it because i have no clue what the hell the names of some of these buildings are anymore. campus has changed. kids have changed. and all for the worse. ive seen some very bright individuals fail out of this school; ive witnessed idiots graduate with honors; and ive seen cheaters out score me in plain view. at times, this place brought me to my knees... on the bring of academic ruin, to financial disdain... and even to the ends of my own sanity. but tomorrow is the first of the last.

when i was a kid, i used to get anxious about school. while i never wanted to start classes and leave home; i never wanted to miss a chance to be there either. i remember being quite a problem child in 1st grade.... how much i hated school. i hated the teacher. the kids hated me. i had no friends. they all made fun of me. they would say shit to me. throw shit at me. take my things and hide them or break them. and i never cried. i never cried for myself. so many times i felt like i was in that same mold again here at the university. i hate the school. i hate the teachers. the kids truely hate me. i have few true friends. theyve never understood me here. and they tried so hard to pieces of me away from myself. and i wont forgive this place for that. ive still never cried for myself. and i will not weep for this place either.

cheers to the last semester.

VALE! VALE!

Monday, January 17, 2005

fucking ow.

why people wont tell me anything at work, ill never understand. i guess the ladder is broken. no one said anything. and since no one did anything yesterday, i had to get the ladder and get a printer for a customer we should have had out. the brake skips on said ladder, some customer grabs my arm; brake locks. i turn my head. face rams into steel ladder stairs. and i nearly hit the floor with whiplash. i instinctively put my hands up on my mouth, and can just watch the blood spurting through my lips. the customer stares at me impatiently. i face him. drop my hands. two palm fulls of blood drop on the floor. his eyes get big. then i reach up and pull my lower lip away from my mouth, letting my teeth slide back through the gash just under my lip. and then i got fucking hostile.

after leaving and punching a hole through the printer in the warehouse, i proceed to try and stop the bleeding. i filled the sink in the mens room with blood several times over. i was scooping cool water into my mouth to wash the taste of clotting blood away. i cant feel my gums and teeth, my entire jaw is numb. i throw paper towels in the sink, soak them then pack them between my teeth and my lower lip. i noticed my teeth were all there, none of them chipped, none feel loose. but blood is still pouring out. i reach up and put the tip of my pinkie finger through my lip into my mouth... similar to the cock-knocker piercings kids get. cept i dont want one of those. but here it is, me and the impromptu version.

so eventually they haul my ass off to the emergency room. i get bumped around back and forth there. and eventually they get me taken care of. just in time for me to go back to work and start filling out stacks of paper about what happened. now its 4 hours later... and im starting to get feeling back in my gums and jaw. and it dont feel good. my lip is so swollen i cant close my mouth right, and i had to grimmace drinking a shake for dinner tonight. brushing my teeth will be a chore too. but my lip is back together, inside and out. and fairly well cleaned up. i just wish i had better luck. i just hate my job now. i just want to have a job i like. where customers just as soon die, than shove me into ladders, that malfunction, that no one feels necessary to tell me about. i sigh if it didnt hurt.