i used to be one of those people who could just fall asleep at any time, any where, when tired. lately ive been back on the... cant fall asleep for shit... pattern. its not good. i have class in seven hours. sigh. class where i didnt do any homework... and havent memorized any latin. then i go straight to work. im not even going to start about how happy that place makes me. sigh. lots of sighs tonight. just no yawns. thats what i could really use. one long, drawn out. tiring. yawn. y-a-w-n.

so i tried to fall asleep in bed. i just ended up laying there. rolling around. scratching my leg periodically. just couldnt fall asleep. it shouldnt be this hard. babies manage to do it. just not me. retarded monkeys can fall asleep. but not me.

the worst part about not falling asleep right away, is that you start thinking. i think about alot of stuff. sometimes its balancing my checkbook. sometimes its computing gas mileage. once in a while its about guessing how much money ive made for staples. tonight i did the worst of all. i started thinking about myself. i started thinking about the moaning, whining things about myself that i always sit and draw on about. i thought about my hopeless love[less] life. more about its patheticness. or my level of patheticness... or the degree to which it has progressed into a state of pathetic. sigh. dammit jeremy. i got this sigh trick from you!. .... .... .. . . . .

anyway. i was thinking about what i should do. given, that nothing is going to happen for me. understand that im leaving the best chance of getting any, as often as possible, or the best odds of finding a member of the opposite sex, that i ever will... i find my self rolling around, thinking about what happened in the past. i tihink about faces. i think about names. i think about people. i think about myself. i think about the things ive said. what ive done. and why id ever do things like that. it always ends up the same. and i realized that tonight as i beat the pillow and flip it over. that i when it comes down to one specific case, im always eating blame for it. but i didnt run across that right away. it took a half hour of random thoughts pouring around my empty head, before i get to that point. ... .


i get there by leveling with myself . i try and sit and be honest with myself about everything thats happened to me. then i think of the time table. i know that in a few months im gone. and ive lost probably 90% of the people i should have said something to, that i never did. and i realize that there still is someone around i need to talk to. its not so much about declaring undying, unbeknownst love. for what im thinking about, its more about coming clean. its about talking about the past. talking about what happened. and talking about what that meant to me. about how i felt. about how it took me so long to deal with it. its about, i suppose, about wanting to move forward, one looked behind. its about saying goodbye. some nights i think that i need to. other nights i could never imagine it. but i still am at a loss for words. i can imagine being face to face again. but i cant think of what id say. i know what i need to say. i know what i should say. but everything doesnt work out that way late at night, in your head. i guess what i want to say is what they dont care about. and generally speaking, no one else that reads this will either. and thats me. its me that cared. its me that wants some closure. its me that wants to walk out the good guy. and if cant do that. then let me walk out. but i have to confront it. to save some dignity. to confess to what was. to see through the things that will be. its all rambling. its all probably wrong. and its all in my head at night. just none of it has very specific words i guess.

sigh.


so i sit up. i cant stand laying down anymore. i cant stand thinking about it anymore. because i wish i could do it. i wish i could sit down, and have some memorable talk about it. i wish i could say it all... and it would be heard... and it would all be ok. maybe there could be appoligies. maybe not. maybe there could just be an understanding. i guess thats all i wanted. someone to understand me. i thought i had that once. im constantly mistaken about the truth of that. and so, late at night i get reminding of those things. so i get up and walk around my empty apartment. i try to look out a window.. but there isnt anything to see. its all dark out there. its empty across the corn field. all is still at night. and for all the troubles i bring myself.... you always find yourself wishing, deep down inside, that someone else would come along and complicate you again. because its so hard looking at nothing. its hard with nothing out there. for all the bets, and all the promisies, and all the assurances people make me. the words that - dont worry - -- well find someone for you-- -- youll get someone-- all of that isnt really any help to me. it really is hopless for me. its as hopeless as the fields are black out there. its as warm as the earth is cold. its as emotional as the rotten stalks laying on the dirt. i realize that at night. nights when i cant sleep. when i find myself being more and more convinced that i am alone. and that i always will be. sometimes i used to think that i could go back and fix those mistakes that i thought i made... take back some words i said.... undo some phonecalls... all just in vain hopes of bringing someone back out of the darkness for myself. but its empty out there. and its empty in here. the only mistake was not knowing anything else was anything but a mistake in judgement. i had judged myself to have had, and to have held what i thought was someone. whatever i thought love was. but that was my mistake. i wake up to the truth, because its the truth that is substance in the darkness. but its still dark out. darkness through the window. it always was dark for me. the room always will be empty. and it sometimes gets hard to fall asleep by myself anymore.


sigh.

i think im running into a problem of motivation... i realized this as its about 3pm, when urinating in the bathroom. i was trying to decide what i was going to do with the rest of the day. there are millions of words in books that i need to have read... plenty of latin to decypher.... even laundry to wash. so i walked back out. sat down. and played about 4 hours of MVP Baseball. killed the whole day. so then its about 8pm. and im thinking i could get something done. yes. yes i could. i could get several more innings in. and i did. then rolls around 10 pm. i take a break to sit on AIM for a while. looking at my latin pile. it dawns on me that i have 20 lines to memorize before wednesday. i know 3. sigh. so i chat on AIM a while longer. and now im sitting here. about 11pm. on a wasted day. i got nothing done. not even my regular latin homework. i guarantee mark will call on me now. but. strangely i dont seem too worried. i just. dont have the motivation to worry. and i think thats a problem. i think its a big problem. seeing as how i only have about 1 full month to finish EVERYTHING academic in order to graduate, ive somehow run out of steam already. sigh. this isnt good. this is really, really not good. i want to get done. i want to be the hell out of iowa. but it seems like i cant force my self long enough to finish it. i assume ill spend the entire week at the library again. and all of this weekend as well. i have 8 pages due on a book i havent even bought yet, due friday morning. i work approximately 40 hours between then. and i still have all that latin to memorize. and im only taking 2 classes. it shouldnt be hard. it shouldnt be THIS hard atleast.....