Monday, December 26, 2005

well... another christmas is over and done. i think this is the first year i can remember that i didnt get a bunch of junk. which im glad. i also didnt get a lot of good stuff either. this year was pretty much the year of my sister and her house. everyone else kinda paled in comparison to it. my parents got her new appliances for the house, plus normal stuff. really hard when you are up against that. i got a hawkeye tie, two dress shirts, hawkeye monopoly and a couple dvds' but really that was about it. i told my parents there wasnt much i really wanted anymore. which is a lie of sorts. there is plenty that i want. just. its stuff they cant really go out and buy for me. i really want a new job. that pays money. i want a girlfriend. id like a best friend. id go for a place to live. maybe it would be nice to get those loans absolved. stuff like that. so while the ps2 games and clothes, and things with batteries flew about. i was pretty much forgotten about 20 minutes after it began. which. in retrospect might be a good thing. sometimes its easier to be forgotten, than to be remembered and have to languish about. its a simpler fate to quickly dissolve than to be the one lump left in the glass. so. .... well i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. i keep thinking how jealous i am of other people. school friends that dont have to do shit for weeks, friends out in california, someone flies out for london tomorrow, and just others with real careers. and im still sitting here, rotting in my parents basement, hoping that tomorrow never comes. i really am not doing well with this job. maybe its a reflection of me, and maybe is just reflecting on me. but. this is not what i want to do with my life. on friday i found out i lost a bid for a copier with a current [now former] customer. it was about the only deal i had going for me. she didnt even bother to give me a reason. and i had to call her 4 times to get the answer that i didnt want. now dont get me wrong, the deal would have only been worth about 120 dollars to me... [3 dollars per month over 42 months], but. it still makes me mad. in 60 days now, ive not managed to come up with a single sale that ive prospected for. ive crashed about 400 business and churches for nothing. this was one that came to me from my boss. and his words were "well, its unfortunate that she decided against us." then we went back to adding up his sales for the year. i got to sit at my empty cube, and stamp my empty commission form to send to payroll. sigh. no body wants to buy copiers now. and they dont want someone going around door to door. i wouldnt. but thats appearantly how this place thinks we need to do business. it just doesnt make much cents for me. they pay me something pathetic like 1,300 per month, then hit that up the ass with taxes, insurance and the like, and i take home about 1,000 or so. they wont pay for mileage for me. last month i put on almost 2,600 miles. i lost count how many tanks of gas at 40 dollars a pop. figure i fill up 3 times a week, and that adds up to 120 dollar a week. thats almost 500 per month. half my net pay goes into gasoline. just short of 300 is my car payment. about 80 for credit card and cell phone. and you can see why i say it doesnt make cents for me. tomorrow, i end up in clinton all day, in the area where this deal fell through. trying to talk to former customers about god-knows-what. i just dont see it. i guess the worst part is, its the only job ive found out there. aside from a mcdonalds type place. i dunno. i always thought that at 25, with a college degree, id make more than i did when i was 17, and still in high school. but im not. some things never change. like never looking forward to getting back to the world after a holiday. like never getting anything back out of life. like ... like putting your time and effort into trying to make something work, and watching it just fly away. without a word. it bugs me. that in more than just a shitty job failing to sell shitty copiers, im failing alot more than than. im really struggling with getting on into a real life. the transition from family owned life, into the fledgling my-own-life in school, has given away to the groudning of i-hate-my-life life. which really is just like the family-owned life, but it strips away your dignity, income, and adds 10 years to your life. merry christmas for opening that bag of presents. the one marked "life" should have been left in the car. at this point. im looking for a way out. a ripcord to pull. a place to jump off. and hopefully a place to jump into . i cant see myself doing this much longer. the entire thing.... the living at home, the i cant hardly pay my bills on my fulltime salary, and the being lonely and single separation blues feeling. i guess what i should have written on my list for christmas this year, was a bit of compasison... a splash of sex, and doseage of utility for myself. its not that im completely inadept. i hope. its just this life is not letting me do anything that im comfortable doing, or good at doing. appearantly, im not good a selling 60,000 dollar copiers... appearantly, im not good at convincing even one girl that id like her to take me seriously. appearantly, i still dont have motivation, eagerness, attentiveness, and all those other things my parents said i was lacking. ofcourse, none of them were under the tree for me this year either. alot of things werent.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

well... all i can say is... wtf damon? for those of you that dont care, johnny damon signed with the yankees late last night. when i found out today i was pissed. i cant believe it. how can boston let him go, but... moreover how can they let him go to the yankees of all places. geezus. another 84 years before a second title is what im calling.

im not sure what to say about the last couple days. work pisses me off. im under quota. im not getting appointments. im not selling anything. im not even genereating interested parties. im not happy. and its just not going to get much better in the immediate future. sigh.

some good news. well im not even really sure what to say. obviously i want to say something, but. i just dont know how. sarah and i actually broke down and found a time to get together yesterday. which, i really enjoyed. it just seems so rediculously hard to sit down with her. i think it was something like 3 full months since id seen her. i HATE that. regardless of what she thinks. i hate it. it just drives me crazy that i cant see one of the few people i want to see. i dont even really care why... but we both have garbage for schedules. i dunno. i think. mmm just thinking outloud... that she probably thinks im crazy. that im way out there that i try too hard. or just something about me isnt quite right. thats fair. it really is. im sure there isnt something quite right with me. but. .. you know. if im going to turn 25 in a few days; i know that my family life expectancy is running out. men on my fathers side tend not to make it much beyond 70. quite a few even earlier. realistically, ive got 1/3 of my life down. and after the types of relationships and situations ive been through, i dont want to end up where ive been. i want to end up with someone; but. im through trying to get into a relationship to have one. in certain words, which, i guess i didnt state exactly, i want to try relationships that matter, with people that matter to me. and i cant stop thinking that ive got to do this. ive got to be nuts and crazy and schizo if thats what it takes. because for whatever reason, i think there is something to be there. thats nothing she wants to talk about. not an idea, that she even appears to entertain. she wants to have fun. she wants to be young. she doesnt want someone like me. maybe thats a bit harsh. i guess from what we've talked about its probably not all together wrong though. but the truth is; i dont care. i guess i am crazy. im crazy about what i think about. shes very different from all the other girls ive been around. but i just get this vibe and this itch at the back of my head that says, that ive just got to go for it this time. i just have to. so . i dunno. maybe if im a bit overboard. maybe she understands where its coming from. shes gorgeous. shes funny. shes easy to talk with. shes understanding. and there is alot of common experiences between us that just work for our benefit. i dont know where im going with this. we had lunch. i had fun. i even got her something for christmas. which... yes. maybe was a little much. but... sometimes it takes a little much, a little crazy, to get noticed. sometimes you have to get totally off your rocker for someone to take you serious.

Friday, December 16, 2005

well i have to say... i really hate this job. not only was i forced to spend the day in greater Clinton, Iowa... which id never been in before... but i was also left on my own to do a proposal for a half way important customer... ive never done it on my own. and no one seemed to care. including the customer. who decided to come up with the "ill let you know, dont bother calling" i was pissed. driving around, trying not to get lost. it was fucking cold out. i decided to park, and just walk, rather than drive every couple blocks and get out.... so im out walking about 8 blocks from my car, when one nameless cpa [since his name is his business name, hint] decided to shove my business card back at me at the incredibly perfect angle to make it a saw blade. nor did he seem to care that it was a gushing paper cut. he was mad that i was bleeding in his "store" so freezing to death, walking down the street, thumb dripping blood, trying to find places to go to; i kinda realized how much i hate my life. my feet were never dry. these stupid dress shoes just leak like sandals. i felt like a 4 year old, that gets windburn from being outside, and its not even to the real portion of an iowa winter. and im standing on a street corner, hand bleeding, wet feet, cold, and generally hating what im doing. its just one of those things i used to read about where some epiphany besets the character.... or some major plot twist comes about... but im just standing on a street corner, of small, technologically defunct iowa town, with wet feet and a bloody thumb. sometimes i wonder what it would look like on paper. what kind of a hero has a story like this? who can say they are proud to be the person in my position? i stopped to sit on the bench outside of a bank somewhere on North 2nd street, and just wished i could be 3 years old again. the age where nothing ever sucks. nothing bad happens. everyday seems like your birthday. lately, ive been having about the same nightmare every day, and its this job. i thought to myself whats got to change... because i hate this job, and this way of doing it. i guess i could have sat thinking about it all day... but my mind kept wandering. to the frozen blood on my thumb, and my slowly numbing toes, to the life i want to have. and how none of this gets me anywhere. i made the mistake the other day at lunch of mentioning how i felt about myself... in my normal, tactful way, i said "and ive really become a great success. i live in my parents basement, i have this shitty job, really no friends, and i can honstely say i hate my life" im not looking for sympathy. im just looking for a way out. occasionally people would stop and look at me on the bench. it was snowing, and i was wearing a black coat in the middle of a slate grey scene. i watched the water from the mississippi river, just over the bluff, look as grey and as bottomless as id ever seen it. with all the ice chunks floating in it; it reminded me that its not choked entirely yet. not yet. there is still some movement... some parts that resist... but slowly, its all becoming the wasteland of the middle of winter. the frozen slate that ends everything for a season. i just wondered how long winter is going to last for me this year.. bloody thumbs, and cold feet are supposed to add up to something. for something. right? because thats how it would end in a book.... the waters would thaw. the sun could come out. and the hero would get to walk out into the quickening spring. the realism underlying it all, is that winter hasnt even truely set in for me yet. the winter that will be my discontent.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

for all my baseball nerd bretheren out there... a little game of catch up...

just a few short weeks into the heavy traffic of the off season, the red sox are getting an F from me in the deals department...

the key players to deal with....

j. damon - still not signed or cut loose. still no trades or deals done to secure a "what the hell happens if" plan if he cant get re-signed... no lead off, no centerfield...

k. millar - atleast he understands hes not wanted back. this was good.

b. mueller - awful. sounds like boston never even gave him an offer... and he just signed with the dodgers this week...

j. olerud - appearantly retired. no fan fare. no official statements the man WITHOUT a thousands words is living up to it again. but no aquisitions have been made to replace him.

m. ramierez - he still wants out. still no deals pending.

we also have made 2 deals so far... picking up josh beckett and mikey lowell... and picking up some minor leaguer for letting go of renteria...

all in all... this is bad news. we have more players jumping ship than we have deals coming in. we lost the best farm system product we had, we let go of a gold glove shortstop to make our questionable infield downright disasterous... instead of just finding a first baseman and resigning a third; we now have downgraded at third, failed to sign a secondbaseman, and have huge holes with no promise at short and first. we dealt our back up catcher away, leaving us only 'Tek... we have only 3 outfielders... of which one wants out, and the other isnt signing up right away... and weve added a 4th spot rotation man, but have done nothing with our bullpen. this is not good. NOT GOOD. judging by the cash Toronto put up, we look like were content to slug it out with Baltimore for the second worst team in the division this year. even the yankees, who havent done much either, still look alot better on paper. this is not good.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

well the thanky yous are rolling in from the xmas cards... 3 or 4 so far. its always nice to hear back that people enjoy getting something. makes me realize i do the right thing some days. its also interesting to see who hops on it to tell you thankyou. also a good feeling, even if unexpected sometimes.

had matt staab come visit in town today. always good to have friends come by. helped get me out of my rut and away from the house. now granted davenport doesnt have loads of things to show off, but i think we covered the interesting parts. plus it was nice to have someone to eat a meal with, and a favorable ear to talk to.

looks like i need to focus on christmas presents now. ive got a difficult decision to make about what to buy someone. ill figure something out. just like i need to figure a few other things out. in all, my personal best is 2 days. entire family in 2 days. im thinking i should be able to beat that if im in the mood this year. and that includes wrapping!

and god bless a cold guiness on tap!

Monday, December 05, 2005

so.

few things of note. just things i wish to gripe about. although today maybe the day i sold something, i was reminded that unless i can set 10 appointments per week [minimum], and not fluff appointments, i wouldnt be selling copiers for RK Dixon in 6 months.

nothing like a smack in the face to start the day. i guess im bitching about where the fuck im supposed to come up with 40 interested parties in the next few weeks. they sure as hell arent in iowa city. or anywhere else ive been to. these appointments only count once. once! then im supposed to have 5 more a week where im doing a proposal, actually writting a bid and discussing it. then i should be closing 2 deals per week. thats at the point where people are saying yes, or no, and walking away with a copier. per week. its insane. i dont even see the good reps managing that on a consistent basis. besides. i cant even come up with 10 pepople to set appointments with. maybe i wont be doing this in 6 months after all.

christmas cards went out today. i think i did 30. or just short of it. i tried to cover most people id somewhat stay in contact with. those that didnt seem to want to give me an address, dont get one. and i think thats pretty fair. if im going to take the time to sit and write out 30 cards, spend about 3 bucks per card including postage.... plus my time. you can cough up 10 seconds for an address. so no gripes from people that dont get them. but the whole process made me feel old. christ. im sending out christmas cards, it should make me feel old. im getting cards with pictures of kids and weddings and things like that. i really should feel old. im not 18 anymore, and thats for sure. its about time i moved on from that.

had a weird dream last night. i woke up going, what the hell was that about. i wake up in bed. its in a strange room... or atleast something i dont recognize now. anyways, i can see a light on in a hall way through the open bedroom door. so i get up. i walk down the hall. and in a bathroom i find a certain someone. shes naked accept from some tiny white panties... no bra no shirt, nothing else on. and shes sweating. her hair is a mess... and shes half standing, half hugging the toilet. i walk in and hear myself talk, asking whats going on. and she looks at me. up with those bright eyes, and they are all red. tears streaming down her face. some leftover makeup is running with it. she just has that look of "help me" and i get down on the floor with her, and cover her with a bath towel from the bar over her head. and i just hold her. she clings to me. shes sobbing. and so am i. shes crying and appologizing and saying all kinds of inaudiable things. i listen to my voice say to her her that i love her. that she and i will make it. i see myself reach down and wipe her tears away, and smooth the hair back from her face. she just clings to me tighter as i look at her. and the two of us just sit there crying in the bathroom. somehow. and i dont know why shes in there. i dont ever look and see if shes thrown up in the toilet or not. but somehow it feels like a drug use thing. like shes abusing. and its like i know about it. but in a way, it makes me stay, even though in my head im thinking i should leave. i stay for her. even though its quite a scene. its bizare. its not something i understand. i just have no idea where it came from. or what a dream like that i supposed to mean.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Guided Tour.... part 2






walking through a doorway by IT and through a short hall leaves me here... looking into the spacious demo room... complete with cube divders for some reason.










this is the Canon ImageRunner c3220. with duplexing autodocument feeder [daf k1], shown also with ledger sized saddle stitching unit [finisher N2]... this is the machine thats supposed to make me my millions. it runs full color at 32 pages per minute... and ball park as pictured, could sell for about $35,000 in US currency. god bless free market society!










to the left is the Canon CLC 1140. thats Color Laser Copier for you whom dont care! it runs at the impressive speed of 11 color pages per minute... well it was impressive 8 years ago. or more. i hate this thing. it actually costs more to print on both sides. its slow. stuff looks like shit on it. and its still expensive. i hate it. but its sitting there, thinking im going to sell it.


and thats really it. imagine a room with about 15 more copiers in it. thats the demo room. of the equipment in there, i cant even sell half of it due to brand and territory restrictions. only canon. sigh. the only other brand i can sell is...










Riso! while the unconcsious eye might call these copier, youd have to be rediculously burnt out on meth, to realize they arent! yay for complications! these machines actually are alot more in common with silk screening tshirt places than they have in common with a copier. copiers use electrostatically charged colored dust [toner] and attract it to an oppositely charged rotating area [a drum], that the paper picks up then the dust is melted on the page [in the fuser] to create a copy. riso products, make a negative screen of the image you want [on sheet, from a roll, of paper that feels like wax paper], perferates the areas for coloration, then forces liquid ink through the holes onto a page... something like blowing your nose on a kleenax with a hole in it, leaves the snot on your hands. this leaves us with a one color screened print of the original. its cheap. its fast [150 pages per minute fast]. .... but its limited on colors [each color needs a separate screen, then you have to make sure the areas register together correctly], and you cant make this go fast if you are doing a book of 3 pages. with the riso, the master is permanently trashed when you scan the next item. on a copier, it would just instantly apply static cling to a different spot. figure the price of a master is about 30 cents or something. it makes a very expensive, and poor quality copier. but a cheap and effective duplicator for simple projects. so. riso. yeah. thats them. i can sell them too.

Saturday, November 26, 2005






A Partial Guided Tour...

partial, only because its hard not to look suspicious running around taking pictures on my palm... using my camera would just look really silly... so.











this is my cube. i sit here. just not very often. see, i was told "yeah, well youll have a desk here in the office, but we just never want to see you in it" on my first day. charming. and about 2 days per week thats held up. i dont have alot of stuff. my craptastic computer, phone, stuff on how to use the phone, two pictures, maps, and random shit im working on. pretty boring.














a look to the left of me. more cubes. nothing much to see.














a look to the right of me. more cubes. nothing else much to see. just note all the shit sticking up. the document team tends to LIVE in their cubes it seems...














this is a coworkers desk in document sales... note. my space doesnt look like this at all...











this is behind me... my cube opens onto the main drag. so everyone comes by and looks at me while im working. i hate it. atleast i can turn around and see the windows, even if i cant see out them. random copier and shit for me to use.












this is another random desk... you could never tell we sell copiers huh? its pathetic.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

ManRam...

on the Red Sox offical site, i noticed a new piece of news... according to David Ortiz...

"Manny is not returning to Boston," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "Manny lives a difficult situation that only he and his family know about, and he does not want to play there."

the rest of the article didnt have much else to say about the reasoning why this was, nor any more information about what it is.... but from that one quote, id have to wager that Ortiz and Manny's family know something... not to suggest that he is... or that hes any less of a ballplayer... or that i want manny gone... because i sure as hell dont... i wonder out loud if it could be something like the gay card.

boston is a very talkative town, but its also a very catholic town. a very unchanging traditional sense of moralistic appearance. and drunken senators that drive women off bridges. however. this whole "his family knows" and how its some sort of secret... makes me wonder. Manny has mentioned he wants out of boston, something in florida or the west coast... how about miami or san fran? makes me wonder

Monday, November 21, 2005

so i want to write a long and windy post about whats going on in my head... i want to take alot of time to sort out what i think and what i feel and see if they are two different pictures.

but i have the feeling they are.

for along time, ive only wanted one thing; a meaningful semi permanent reciprocal relationship. and its just something i cant find. i cant find anyone that wants me. i cant find anyone that wants that. i cant find anyone that even wants to screw around with the idea of that and me. i cant find much at all.

and i say im stupid, because i am. im probably... no. i am the fucking stupidest person in the world, without reservation. i want something so bad, that will never happen, i hope that any chance is my chance. and im so stupid i just never want to realize that my chance is never going to happen. being stupid, i run out and try. i fucking try my hardest. i try so hard to have someone see me and take me serious. i try to be the exemplification of how id want to be treated. i try so hard to get anyone to like me, that im too stupid to realize... they never will.

i care about a girl. i desparately would like to see something happen with her. but. im very stupid. im so stupid that i guess ive never stopped to look at it as it is. she doesnt want anything to do with me. she never has. and i was just so stupid, that i kept telling myself, maybe. i kept giving myself some line of horseshit about how it could be different. or something about how it could happen. i was too stupid to look at the truth;

: no one wants someone like me :

sending flowers doesnt change that. being attentive cant help it. trying your god damndest to make something work, for once, with one person you are attracted to, doesnt mean you get anywhere. its just means youre stupid. youre fucking dumb. youre a joke. people laugh at you. people think youre an idiot because you keep bashing your head into that wall... over and over and over again.

i feel worthless. because i am. i am. i have to be. who the hell else could be as stupid as i am. who else would try to be something for someone that they damn well know cant ever amount to anything for anyone. its stupid. its stupid to try. its stupid to laugh. its stupid to want. its stupid to care. its stupid to desire. its stupid to need. its stupid to hope. its stupid to want someone to love. its stupid to believe in it all.

she didnt have to tell me anything. maybe i just had everything i needed to understand it along time ago. maybe i wasnt smart enough to get it, because i was busy being stupid. and while i will never rescind any thing i said about her, nor will i ever deny that anything ive thought about her. its stupid of me to think anyone cares about what i think. its pointless. its rejection that doesnt even need a reaction. its assumed. if i wasnt so stupid, i should have seen it.

i should have seen alot of things if i wasnt as stupid as i was. maybe the first time a girl made fun of me. maybe the first time i never got picked to be in the make-believe dance at recess. maybe the age when i realize everyone had 5th grade girlfriends writing them notes, except me. maybe when i got to junior high, and all my friends were going to dances and i had to sit bymyself. maybe when i got to high school and girls ditched me at homecoming as a prank. maybe when i thought that one girl was interested that went on to throw food at me. maybe when i felt like finally the hot girl in school was being nice to me as part of a prank they pulled. maybe when i had to ask 5 girls to prom to have everyone of them tell me no. maybe when i got out of highschool and tried to have a relationship with a girl that slept around. or maybe when i thought i knew it all who cried and screamed when she found out i wanted to do things. or the girl that took my heart, walked out on me and told me i was fucking piece of trash. or the one that smiles at me years later, that seemed so much like me that i never noticed her until almost a year later. maybe she was the girl that inspired me to finish school finally, or to want to make me fall in love again. maybe i should have learned something before it all got to this point.

but im much too stupid to have realized any of it. im much too stupid to have never stopped and thought that someone like her actually would have wanted anything to do with me. it was a stupid thought. by a pathetic person that clutches at straws to save himself. it feels stupid that im sitting here thinking about why someone is so perfect in my mind, who is so interesting, so fun to be around, ... its stupid to sit and think i might have had a chance. appearantly everyone but me knew this all along. but i kept trying. i kept wanting. i kept telling my heart and whispering every thing that i saw to her. it was stupid person doing what every girl always says she wants. its not very stupid to see she just didnt want me.

after all these years now. its stupid to believe anything else but the truth. that i was too stupid to give up. and now it sits and kills me for being so stupid.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night.... [and other rediculous things college girls believe]


. it was like, ... like... like... like.... like. you know?
they believe that the use of comparative interjections in similiee form, somehow give clarity when used without comparison. also. the repetition of such words appearantly is meant to give credibility to speech patterns when discussing events that could be perceived as mundane or false. example- Sooo like, you and Ashton, are you like together, or like, seeing each other, or what, because you are like the cutest couple that like anyones seen at the DG house, you know?

. pink ugg boots are soooo cute!
i dont know how. i just dont. but by tight rolling the jeans up over the tops of these ghastly footware, they some how arrive at a status position above other peers. these boots are made of sheepskin and wool fluffed inner boots, and can often be found on the feet of rich girls, and stupid environmentalists [see below]. although most brands are waterproofed, you will never see these in puddles. often worn at stark contrast to outfits, ie black mini skirt with neon pink ugg boots. or lime green top, blue jeans and powderblue ugg boots. again, the status positon in society is only achieved if others appearantly notice that you are wearning them.

. so i think its like, wrong to hurt an animal?
this is a classic misconception among the popularity based segement of the population. while there do infact, exist the rare breed of Collegius Hippo-Retrosian [known commonly as "crunches" or "that hippie chick"] most collegiate women who fall in to the "hurting animals is sad" vein, tend to do so with great maladaptation. often times they are lured to such social positions by curly haired dreamy boys, or similiarly gullible females. they often reject eating meat openly, but will eat it when not surrounded by the pack, or often will introduce beliefs infront of pack members or contesting males, which are unfouned by their own ethos. example- Sam and I were like talking about that the other day, and its totaly wrong to hurt animals we decided! Oh. So you fish? Fishing with my brothers used to be the funnest times! they are often seen wearing sheepskin boots, leather handbags, or in rare cases, hemp clothing.

. so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night
this is a longstanding assumption of the modern college female. often times it can be adapted to fit situational dispostion slightly better, as in "i like met The Guy last night at the bar" or "when i was doing a bong with him, i totally felt that connection". as proposterous as it might seem, most college females typically do believe the odds of finding a mate increase while intoxicated or under the influence. sadly, the odds of this are not nearly as high as the college male's chances of finding a mate for the evening are. regardless. the belief professed in the supernatural draw of love and drugs seems to be a consistent feeling among the pack.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

so... while my love life might be pathetic... would it get anyworse if i had my boss attempting to give me pointers? fuck.. it would. and it did.

i made the stupid assumption that id be safe to bring in one picture. one. some of these assholes at work have galleries of art... one lady has a shelf [which i use for manuals of copiers i sell for reference] filled with pictures in frames of her kids. so instead of having a more baren space than Vanillia Ice's trophy shelf; i decided to bring in one picture. its next to my instruction on how to get my voice mail [which still doesnt work]. a day later. knock knock. the boss comes patrolling around on the cube farm, and instead of asking me about acconts, or cold calls, or why i didnt dress in a 900 dollar suit; he pokes his finger and says, "who is that, your girlfriend?"

.... this is a delicate situation. i can take two roads to approach it. well three, the third being ignoring it. road one is the subtle explanation, road two is the total down play. i kinda ran between the forks in the road, and gave the subtle down play of the truth.

"no... not unless she decides to change her mind and tell me so"

.... see i thought this was a good move... i never looked up. and it seemed like a dead, brush off comment to state to move past the awkwardness of revealing personal experiences to the Gestapo.

"really... shes pretty man... you really like her then? what happened?"

.... this is now throwing lead baseballs at nuclear reactors. while, the practice is probably harmless... what kind of freaking idiot really thinks its a good idea to try it. now im stuck trying to field that question.

"i asked. she said no. ... yes i do really like her, and yeah i wish she didnt say no."

.... silence. this is the worst part. its like watching a horror flick with mute. while you wince at the gore, its really got no impact without the sound... in this case, its the lack of sound thats ugly and brutal. hes a salesman. im a salesman. we both know that who ever answers silence first, is the loser... so i mutter...

"i think shes just at that stage where she wants to have things her way and be able to do her own thing without any attachments; and im past that stage, so thats what happened i suppose"

.... no silence. he respondes.

"well [clasps hand on my shoulder, still looking at the picture] hang in there kid. give her time. man. she looks wild... is she? woo. just give her that time and shell come around" [then he leaves]

.... really this could have gone worse. i just dont know how. even my own boss thinks im incapable of closing a deal. and this time, its not about a copier. i feel pretty messed up, knowing that people twice my age are looking my pictures, and touching me while they do it. dirty. so very dirty. but the only lingering thought on my mind, is not that; but do i give his advice much credability? its difficult to answer that. so far, i think hes way off base making me cold call on 300 businesses for zero sales... maybe sitting and waiting for her to make a decision she might never want to make, isnt the best idea either. but its the only thing right now, thats really out of my control. that and people signing fat checks over to me for copiers.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

the december issue of playboy has a really interesting article about Marilyn Monroe. im trying to type parts of it back as close as i can, but all the credit to the authors for an interesting take on the woman through surviovrs... the itneresting part isnt that she was into enema's, or that she was some sort of sex addict... it was about Joe DiMaggio. non sports people only know him as a temporary husband to her. however, he was one of the top 20 baseball players of all time, who still to this day owns the longest streak of consecutive games with a hit. anyways. being one of the best ballplayers of the age, in his time, meant he was as close as Jesus in notariety among the world. so. he does well enough, fame, success, riches, he also bags the most sexual and beautiful woman of the period as well.

"joe d loves marilyn monroe, and always will. i love him and always will. but joe couldnt stay married to marilyn monroe, the famous movie star. joe has an image in his stuborn italian head of a traditional wife. she would have to be faithful, do what he tells her, devote all of herself to him. doctor, you know thats not me. there is no way i could stop being marilyn monroe and become someone else to save our marriage. it didnt take long before we both realized that and ended our marriage. but we didnt end our love for each other.. any time i need him, joe is there. i couldnt have a better friend." ... in monroe's words to her pyschiatrist

monroe later remarries to author Arthur Miller, which ends in shambles after a few years, and very soon after she ends up dead. most touching of all, comes in the words of Joes neice recollecting the plans, allegedly, of joe and marilyn to remarry...

"all of which raises the question, would a woman who was about to remarry teh love of her life, the only man who was there for her unconditionionally, kill herself on the eve of the wedding? or had she gotten herself into something she wasnt ready for? in the years that followed, joe had a hard time even speaking ofn monroe. he was intensely private to begin with, and engelberg and positano, his two closest friends in teh years before his death, knew never to bring up her name. but always her haunting presence was felt. dimaggio would go into his 'marilyn mood' as some friends called it. ... sometimes he spoke of her funeral -- how he arranged it and banned certain people from attending, particularly [frank]sinatra... he said to positano, 'doc i made sure none of those people who really killed her were there.' says engelberg, 'you know, morris, instead of kissing her at the altar, i had to kiss her in her casket.' engelberg, who was at dimaggios deathbed, says the athletes last words to him were not to feel sad about his dying. 'ill get to see marilyn again' dimaggio said."

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

you ever get the feeling its not worth talking about problems at home?

see, my parents, while are great, dont do the whole consultive listening situation well. example.

me - "so i just really think this is unfair... im the only rep in the office that has to drive 3 counties to get to my territory that stetches another 3, and they only pay me 250 bucks a month to cover that... its just not fair to come up with 300 dollars for gas over and beyond what everyone else does for the zero dollars [all comp'd] or less"

mom - "well then you just have to pay it!!! "

dad - "claim it for your taxes, you know it could be 40 cents a mile--"

me - "dad, thats not a freaking check; thats deduction off wage earning... meaning it doesnt mean squat if those 40 pennies dont bump me into a lower bracket"

-silence-

mom - "well then stop complaining"


. end .


see? its like they take it as offensive. to them, im supposed to be happy i have this job at a place theyve heard of. they dont really seem to notice im not happy with it, and im loosing more money then im making. and sure. the jeep is not the most practical vehicle i could have bought. but come winter snow piles, three counties of driving with all wheel drive, to get to my three territories of rural, 2 lane and gravel roads to sell in; the jeep was a great purchase. the issue however, was about the equity of a traveling rep, versus a home office rep. which is unfair. not only do the home office reps not have to waste any time driving to get to their appointments [unlike my hour minimum drive], but their mileage probably wont rack up to the magic 1,000 miles a month if its all in davenport. unlike me, who each trip of cold calls nets me 150 miles minimum. minimum i said. thats just to iowa city, drive to locations, drive back to davenport. lets get jiggy with it and say im in washington iowa, an hour south of iowa city... now i add an extra 100 miles on that. each day of cold calling in washington is effectively costing me a tank of gas or more at just short of 300 miles per excursion. i can only do that 3 times in a month, and im out of compensation! where as the reps for in town, see maybe 20 miles as alot of driving in a day of calls... making them do effectively 500 cold calling excursions at the same price... see my bitch? im being penalized with a bigger area, thats farther away, to push business from people that have never heard of us... the in town reps have name recognition, familiarity and ties with the local network, and dont have to do squat for an extra hour each direction. its not fair. but the talk about it tonight turned into me being, appearantly complainy, and juvenile about it. so... if by being conscious of the raping i receive for this; makes me juvenile... then im a Toys R Us Fucking Kid.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

several gripes...

. i washed my watch. i felt like such an idiot. i was so mad at myself for not paying attention to it. and while it was only a 9 dollar watch at walmart, i still felt bad about it. this is probably why i dont buy many nice things. id ruin them somehow. so after finding the bits of broken glass face in my clothes, i was thorougly disgusted enough to go out and buy a replacement. a whopping 6.49 at walmart.

. im really at a loss for words. i try as hard as i can to be a good friend. i try to be caring. to be sensitive. to be positive. i guess its just not something anyone wants. im scratching my head over it. sure. i might have feelings for this girl beyond friendship, but i told her, and i mean it, that im willing to wait until shes ready to make that kind of decision. until then, i care about her enough to want to be around her as a close friend. honestly the kind i think she doesnt have many of, that really no one ever does. the kind that its ok to cry in front of... in fact the one thats the first one to show up when you cry. the ultra trustworthy kind you talk with about the things you dont want to tell yourself, and hardly another person. im doing it because i really do believe in her. shes fun. shes a great person, and i just wish id get through. so. the problem? well. after reading about what i did to my watch... you can guess that appearantly ive screwed something up here too. i sent flowers. i thought it was something nice shed appreciate. not only have i [3 days later] not gotten a [quick or any kind of] thank you, but ive gotten the silent treatment when i ask. i just dont get it. i hope shes just really busy. or that something happened to her phone. i really hope its not the "silent game". i tried so hard just to do something nice-- and no one even wants that. its like i manage to mess up doing nice things. i hate that feeling. its worse than guilt. because with guilt, i should feel wrong for what i did do. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel wrong about what i did this time. none. and here i am, feeling bad.

. i hate these online dating sites. there isnt anything. on 3 different sites, [match.com, eharmony.com, and cupid.com] im not registering ANY matches. match.com does a 100 percent scale... the highest match there is for me; is 42. a 42. i remember reading once in something about modern personality matched dating, that according to their questionaire i was appealing to something like 8% of the population. i really hate this. i know ive complained alot about being lonely lately on this, but man. there isnt even one Half=assed match for me in the land of the internet. how pathetic is that?

. i had a dream last night where i was in bed with a woman. that it wasnt just sex. that it was comforting. that it was consoling. it was... vivid. it felt like the first 13 minutes of a softcore porn flick. it made me wish it wasnt a dream. i remember waking up this morning, and being on my back thinking; why the hell cant that actually happen. and it was a sad realiztion that it doesnt happen. for whatever reason it just shocked me into feeling sad about it. about myself. about the truth. here i am, almost 25 yeras old. and i cant even say i can get a simple bit of dream to happen for myself. and its sad. its so pathetic that i think about it. that i dream about it. that in the back of my mind, i torture myself about it. because it was something so simple. so welcoming. and so much for my dreams.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

well if anyone really cares about whats happened to me lately... ive been listening to alot of Diamond Head... and Black Sabbath's Never Say Die album... because they are the only cassettes i can find that i own, and BigRed doesnt have a cd player... for anything else...

. the job has taken up most of my time and energy. i still havent sold anything. i dont really even see any great opportunities to make any money yet. and not that im keeping track, but ive already burnt about 150 bucks in gas driving without seeing a pay check. or a sale. its rough. theyve sent me out doing door to door thinking i can gather information that way. its succeeded in making alot of people really, really mad. so. no sales. yet. im expected to be working before 8am. and should never leave before 5. lately its been about 6. and ive been getting there about 7:30. no overtime pay since im salary. sigh.

. i do love the jeep. except the gas mileage. its hard... i guess i was spoiled with my grand am, getting abotu 30 miles per gallon. now im getting about 20 to 22 on the highway... but a nightmareish 5 to 10 in town sometimes. eesh. and i really was upset when i realized i got 300 miles per tank of gas. not bad, right? well... i was used to 400 on my grand am. no biggie? well... the grand am took 12 gallons to fill. Big Red is about 20. .... sigh. come the first dumping of snow fall this year however, i will feel elated about my purchase. i hope. sigh.

. im surprisingly well adjusted to getting back up in the mornings. i thought it could have been difficult, when for a while, i was not making it up before 11 and noon on some days... coffee helps. but alot of the times, im doing mundane things like email, phone calls, and getting more coffee... with a couple days per week im driving on the road to territory. so. atleast i get to hear Lou and Scott on KRNA again. a plus in my book. even at the minus of being out in bfe in the mornings. sigh.

. i really havent seen anyone lately. i just end up doing the work thing, then coming home, doing more work off the clock, then falling asleep. its a rediculous amount of learing to make it in the first few months... ive got to become almost expert status on the differences of 50 different copiers in days, so that i can deal with customers. then i spen anytime i can relearning sales. most of what ive learned is useless to me in this type of sales. its really fatigued me more than i anticipated. sigh. and yawn.

. i think im afraid of being a left over. if that makes some sense... just a left over all over type person. im not setting records with my sales like everyone else is ... im the only person i know of in the "toner-breath" wing [as IT Sales refers to us] that is under 30... only one other person is under 40... and im the only person in IT and Document to be single, with no kids, under 40... if i try to fudge the numbers, one person in a support person figures in at 30, no kids, no marriage, but engaged... but it adds two other people to us that are over 50 with multiple kids, and multiple marriages... but there is a difference between a late bloomer, and a left over. left overs are like the things you find at the back of the refrigerator and push farther back to find something else. sigh.

. as far as my life, its lonely. i cant lie. i get up. i see my mom go out the door. then i have about 40 minutes to be at work... where i sit in a cube by myself. or drive out on the road by myself and walk around all day alone. come home. usually after everyone ate dinner. reheat cold food, eat by myself. sit on my bed and read shit about copiers until i get so tired i fall asleep that way. its been my life the past couple weeks. i cant remember when i had a phone call, except one night last week with J. my intereactions with people consist of them screaming profanity at me, or hanging up on me mid sentence; or co-workers berating me from across the room, attempting to do it discretely. i wish things were different. i wish i had someone to come home to. i wish i had someone i could talk to when i have rotten days. or brag about good things with. instead... i hope i luck out that i can catch some Cash on the radio or something to sing to on the drive out. sigh.

Monday, October 31, 2005





welcome to my new cell. ill spend approximately 9 hours or more per day, looking at these three walls. and if that wasnt bad enough, there is a window into the cube next to me, that keeps the Screws informed of my doings. nothing like jailhouse snitchery on the first day. anyone else who would like to send me cube paintings or wall art, im happy to post it. right now i have a telephone directory from 2001, and the addresses of the various offices around the area. i have a phone on my desk, though i really dont know what the number is, and worse yet, i found out i dont know how to use it either. oh! i had a spare pc power cable wadded up in the corner! and i got someone's printed at home business card gathering dust. the coffee mug and car keys were furnished by me... as were the random office supplies. grr. more info later. day one is done.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

in a few hours, ill be on the job. and its starting to make me nervous. little things like, am i dressed right? can i bring coffee in? where the hell do i actually sit? what am i supposed to do when i walk in the door? when do i get to eat lunch? what the hell am i going to do all day? how am i going to remember anything? sigh. the typical pre-first day jitters.

its alot. its a big change for me. i have to keep telling myself its no longer a job, its now a career. im the youngest by far at what ill do. and according to the vice president at the interview; "were going to take a chance on you." that started to sink in over the weekend. i dont know why. on some level i wonder why im there, i dont really need them to come out and say they wonder too. i dont know. im just hoping i fall asleep tonight, rather than rolling around wondering about everything. i guess in times like these i try to look for comfort things. this time around, there isnt much. the last few jobs ive known someone that work there. not this time. the last few times i knew what to expect. i dont really know this time. the last job had very little to do with me pushing product, and everything with people going to a name... this time, people know the name but they have to come screaming to me to want it. its a stark, white change. so. im bumbling around matching ties to pants and feeling gernearlly manic about something that wont happen until tomorrow. but i am kind of getting nervous about it.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Scott's Vehicle. V.4.0

this is her, yet unnamed, with stickers removed and plates put on!

s

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

yes people, im lonely. get off my back. im not angry. im not suicidal. im fucking lonely. im tired of being single. i hate it. whenver i remind myself of being with someone, it makes me very mad to remember im not now. people take so much for granted in relationships. it seems like, someone like me who doesnt do that, who tries not to miss a beat; never gets the chance. im frustrated. obviously. im tired of getting NO as an answer to anything i ask, when the question is ME. im tired of marking No Guests on tickets and RSVPs. i hate getting looked at because i sit by myself at restaurants on the "date nights" of the week. i feel like im some sort of monster because no women call me or want to talk to me. why cant one girl take me seriously? why isnt there one attractive woman on the face of the earth thats interested in me? why is it that everyone always says, "its not so bad" but never trades places with me, or never bothers to help? how come everyone is so scared to talk to me. how come the only thing worse than talking to me [as a female] is trying to find someone who would be interested in me? how come you cant admit if you have any feelings for me or not? how come its such a sin to be seen with me in public, or have people know you are with me? when the hell does all of this become my turn to get some? to get a person? to get a date? to get a partner? when.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

...

i thought id expand on something. tonight i had a coversation with an ex-girlfriends current beau. and id have to say, id never done that. i think in the past when the opportunities always arose, id leave. avoid comments. just get out of there. i look at every failed relationship as that. a failure. i dont make a habbit of running into relationships for the hell of it, i try only to do it when i feel genuinely moved so. so naturaly, when something doesnt work out right, or you realize someone just doesnt share any feelings about you, its failure. maybe a failure in judgement, or communication, or in love iteself. its difficult to go back to a failure and do something with that. so i generally dont. i take my information when it happens and move. so going back to talk to ex's or their current's doesnt make alot of sense to me anymore. i could say alot of things. i could say nothing good, and just run with those feelings of rejection [since ive never once been able to break up with anyone that i felt attracted to], and see what street they run down. but i dont want to do that. i also dont want to come across as total pyscho and start talking a million good points about someone. i look at it and go, if someone never had a bad thing to say about an ex, why did they break up? so. with that point of view, i knowingly carry around a list of reasons in my head and on my soul that say, hey; heres why. so its difficult to be around people, or answer questions to currents. like when a boyfriend came up to me later on, and asked what fragrence my ex girlfriend wore; because he appearantly couldnt tell. it was hard to tell him what it was. its hard to think about what it smelled like. its hard to remember the times when i could smell it and feel like he does. not difficult to do it. painful to do it. hard to relive old experiences for someone else. tonight i had one of those conversations. and it was hard to come up with what to say. really hard. but in the same vein it felt good to talk. it felt good to be able to be useful. when someone asks for directions, its refreshing that you can give them the way. and maybe i dont do that. maybe i just say what the wrong roads are to take. besides. all i know is failure. i know how things dont work out right. i know, appearantly, very little about making someone happy. i know nothing about successful relationships. i have no clue what its like to have someone really be happy with me. so the correct road is one that has the elusive name that isnt on my map. and its hard to try to guide someone around where it should be, when, i guess, i have no clue where that is. and that, folks, is the feeling i have most of all. i find them. i do everything imagineable to make them see me, and like me, and want to be around me. but it fails. being me, fails. there isnt any duller way to state it. be plain. be in the wrong. i dont just run after girls. i get a feeling after talking and getting to know someone, and those rare couple times i get a feeling stronger than that. its failure. in the end, thats what it is. its an idea that i get, that i think i can do something, or end up somewhere with someone. but its a failure. because i cant get anything right. i cant make anyone like me, any more than i can make it rain. i cant make them decide to quit making the excuses to avoid me. i cant come up with a way to be special. i can be honest, open, trusting, and loyal. but its not in fashion. i can be strong, concerned, and motivated. but its not what they look for. i can be myself. and that gets the quickest answer of anything. failure. and its a narrow line to walk to consider yourself a failure about things. but, lying to myself, wouldnt make it any less true. just less obvious. for example, say i call a girl, i try to see her, i buy her things, i send her cutesy letters 3 times a week. if she finds 50 reasons to ignore me, not to see me, or be busy; what really have i got? ive got a lie i sleep on, that says Shes In To Me. what i really have is nothing. ive got myself setup allready to see my own self fail at what i want. which is nothing more than someone to want me. just me. and what happens when someone just cant ever get it done? there is a name for them. ... its difficult, more so each time, to try and set out for someone. i guess i realize thats the only way to do it. thats why i only go when i feel something. when im serious about what i want, i make a serious effort. one thats seriously not wanted by anyone. in fact the worst part of it all is getting told white lies. girl saying things to get me by, or to ditch me "nicely" when all they want is me to be gone. for good. when someone talks about being busy, then ends up out others. it hurts a bit. its not fair. its never fair to be the one thats pushed away. its not fair to be told no, because you are who you are. a very good friend of mine, while falling asleep on me late one night once told me, "you would be the perfect guy to be married to. but i could never date you, and i dont know how to be attracted to you" and that made sense after all these years. the only advice anyone has ever come up with, "theres other fish in the sea" appearantly people that fail alot, are supposed to be used to it. appearantly fishing is about never catching anything because there is always something else. i think fishing is about catching and keeping. but ive never liked it. because i never win. even if ive come to feel welcomed by it. its always gone in the end. and how many times do you spin the yarns about all of those fish that kept getting away, before someone realizes you just cant fish. it isnt one person. it isnt even all of them. its much more than that. its about being a failure. its about living as one. its about never getting a chance you know so deeply that you deserve. its about coming to the realization of how things were, not of how you want them to be. and its a difficult thing to talk about to someone who doesnt seem to have that in common with you. you talk about how you fail, for their success. someone has what you wanted, and now wants to take your help to keep her. its a system of being a cog but never a wheel. how can anyone ever understand what its like to be rejected by them, when they havent? so then i find myself typing about the one that didnt want me. and what do you say? do you put it honestly, do you risk a spin to someone that would never buy it? or do you just do what i did. and gave truth when i could, and tried to be happy when i wasnt. because ive learned that no matter what, no one cares about the one left over. the focus goes to that perfect couple. the two love birds. the stunning image of love in form. people like to forget about the ones that got in the way. and its ironic how sometimes the people in the way, dream at night about the ones that get away. how satisfying it would be to have and hold a person that you knew. inside and out. but it isnt that way. it isnt true what we dream, its true that we fall short. that we fail. again and again. and thats what keeps dreams as they are. just something we need to fall asleep to at night.

Monday, October 24, 2005

well. on a light note first. the new God Forbid album, The Constitution of Treason, fucking shreds. i keep getting more and more impressed with them the more i hear them. good shit. the opening lead for the first track screams impending metal. love it.

heavier notes.

. im checking out cars. its hard. in the past three days ive looked at well over 200 cars. in a 30 mile area. ive got it somewhat narrowed down. and before anyone says much, im buying something used. im only looking to finance about 10 grand, the job just isnt paying me enough to do more and feel comfortable. but i need something steady that i can drop miles on. something with some cargo space, that looks professional still, that i can take one or two people in, with comfort. 4 wheel drive is something im not really willing to part with. because i want something i can take off road. i guess, i want to be able to do it. and with a sedan i just cant. so weve been scouring the area looking for stuff. im pretty convinced an suv is the way to go. gas mileage aside, it fits everything else.

. car insurance on something like that is a joke. on my current grand am, i pay about 375 a year, it would spring up to 1500 on a 2000 Grand Cherokee. yeeeeouch. i do get one good note, that it will drop down considerably when i turn 25 in a few weeks. something like half as much or so. i also have to have a rediculously high rate of coverage per work's requirement.

. cell phones in southern iowa are an abomination. it looks like verizon is going to be my best bet. cingular told me "we are striving to improve the quality of our network coverage in that region" but nothing very assuring of when. plus, i like the motorolla e815 phone. flip phone. good battery life. large buttons. bluetooth. sounds like a winner.

. living at home is getting better. but i feel like i want to break out in to charley sheens speach from Apoc. Now. about how every day in here i get weaker, and charley out squatting in the bush, gets stronger. its hard to feel like im much of an adult, rotting in my parents basement for shit pay. but i dont have a choice. i feel like a baby that i cant have friends over or have much of a life anymore. but i dont have a choice. food is free. no rent. no worries about if i can pay heating bills. i just dont have a choice not to.

. relationship wise. im a wreck. i honestly feel like im worse off than ive ever been. not only do i not have anyone, i dont have any probables, and i dont have any way to meet anyone else. its rough. right now, id really like to have a relationship. to have some kind of support. to have some kind of feel good. there just isnt any. no quarter to be given the army of the invader. i feel extremely close to someone, but am getting the impression that maybe all along, she never was in to me. just put up a good face for it. the truth is, who cares. i always knew how it would turn out.

. giving advice to other people is interesting now. its nice not to think much about myself and whats going on with me, but to indulge in other's. yet again, i have to reiterate that its quite a feeling to know everyone is moving on. marriages, kids, etc. its great. i really am happy for everyone. even for the current of an exgirlfriend, i just cant say how perfect it is that somene makes her happy. thats the kind of thing thats more important than i could ever be, that someone is happy in the end. truely happy. if it was me that did that, awesome, if its someone else, thats really awesome. i just know that i cant sit and be anything but happy for her. for both her's.

Thursday, October 20, 2005




well mission mostly complete. i made it up to see mr. philip levine read again. but especially, i got to hear him again. the man has a wonderful bold voice, when he uses it. but often keeps to the frail old man tone. he seems so much like a grandfather to me. ofcourse i never really had one, that was alive for me to remember long atleast. his stories dart in and out about what hes written. most of the time he gives a 10 minute story about the inspiration of 4 words in a poem, which we, as a young audience, may or may not know. then he just goes off sometimes. like his story about Henry Ford. i wish id have caught the whole thing on tape, but i was trying to conserve some as i only brought one cassette. regardless, it explains the use of "us niggers and kikes" in one of his poems, but given with his resounding description of Ford as, "quite a mother-fucker". surprisingly, it met with general laughter. i was in a bit of awe. not that he said it, but how everyone reacted to it. i remember the first time i saw him do a reading, i was warned that hed swear some times. he said shit, several times that night, but never in a venomous way. tonight he had some gusto behind several of his phrasings, to the tune of which i hadnt heard. i like going to hear him read his work though. so much of poetry is lost in how we construct it in our heads or in our voices. the educational system has wasted poetry for most people before they can begin to realize it. when some asshat in 4th grade made you rhyme everything, or burned you becuase you couldnt write fucking hiku's... or later on when you heard 'sonnett" and though "fuck it', it was all ruined. and it got worse for me, as i grew older, the university made me look at things like juxtaposition, and hidden meanings and obscure phrasings as key important features. but by the time i looked at it long enough to see all that, id forgotten what the poem was about, and how it was trying to say it. and while im sure you can analyze levine's work, if you hear him read it, youll ask yourself why youd ever want to. for him its all a story. the free verse works. its not about being metaphorical. its about spinning a good yarn. either a false one or a true one. one that makes sense or one that doesnt. its all a story. and after you hear him read them as he sees them. it all makes so much more sense. it made me glad that i went to see him five years ago. even more so when i can see him now. plus. hanging around a lobby long enough has some rewards. as you can see in the picture above, he was on his way out to the car, but he was kind enough to atleast drop his name in my copy.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005




For those keeping score at home, this was from wedding #6 of the year. I was officially invited to 7, had 2 more i could have gone to, and still a couple left this fall. sigh. this is getting rediculous. atleast i can say, im running out of friends that can get married. anyhow. these are my cousins, Jessica [left-the bride], and Rachel [right-maid of honor]. its really odd to see them like this. while i dont remember jess so much growing up, i remember alot of rachel. i just still see her being a 9 year old girl in my head. quite a bit off from where shes at now. jess is my age or a year younger, and i know rachel is 2 years younger. sigh. both girls have kids already, rachel is in a pretty secure relationship, and jess married the father of hers this weekend.

Monday, October 17, 2005

well... the new job starts on wednesday... and here it is. practicaly tuesday. im apprehensive to say the least. there are alot of things to worry about when you start a new job. most of them dont bother me. its the job its self that bothers me. im hoping i can turn this into a way to make some money. serious money. that was the one question that really shook me at the interview stage; was how do you feel about not having a support net for income, that you earn your own wage? i told them; "im not sure" honestly ive never done that before. and while there is a token amount, they are right, i decide how much money i want to make doing this. territory aside, it is up to me. my sister started in on me about cold calling tonight. how she hates it. im trying my hardest not to formulate an opinion on it. but i can see how id hate it, if i sat at a desk 9 hours a day calling people to get them to buy shit. my motivation is if they half way sound interested i can go see them. im not chained to the desk. and i dont pass on a hot call to someone else to close it. im setting my appointments for sales. in that sense, im writing my own pay checks. in a way thats quite exciting. give it a few weeks to see if ive changed my mind. regardless. its all still there. there are alot of things to look forward to as just being different. in a job sense, i could use different right now. id rather not stay in retail. getting stuck at a desk all the time could be dull. so atleast this is a job that pays me to go out and see people. even if i have to put in some time on the phones first. so. ive been gobbling up all the crappy sales manuals and books i can find. ive read tom hopkins, the art of selling, cover to cover 3 times in a week. it has alot of common sense in it. maybe it will pay off.

the last few days have been sketchy. ive been all over the place, so appologies to everyone that calls me that gets voice mail. being in and out of RK ive tried to keep my phone off, and being around the state makes it tough to keep a cell signal... something i know will have to change soon. i looked over the coverage maps and notice cingular/att [whom i use now] has about 0% coverage in southeast iowa. gr. but then again, i couldnt get a signal sitting at my apartment half the time either. and even when i lived in town, it was half of what it should have been. i started reading the premature paper work from RK... turns out i get 2 weeks vacation next year, but have to wait 7 years to get a third week. i get the standard days off [thanksgiving, 4th of july, xmas, new years] but thats about it. and i get one personal day per quarter to use, never to accumulate more than 4 days at a time. eeesh. not much wiggle room. but i guess its hard to sell if you are never there. and time will tell how close they watch me. i suppose if im selling, or atleast showing progress, they may not care if i shave an hour here and there on the road, or if i stick around "fort madison sales stop" long enough in iowa city, that i cant make it back before 5pm to find me. or whatever the time is. i havent heard hours yet. the only thing ive seen is employees who work more than 30 hours per week. i cant imagine a job like that letting you put in less than that.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

i shouldnt be posting this... even if she doesnt read this. but a certain female friend of mine is running into man problems right now, but... what she said just rang really well with me...

"Im so in love that it scares me... hes honestly one of the best things thats ever happened to me"

you know, i have never, ever, in my life hear a woman use those words about me. and no matter how bad a situation might be... woah. that sentiment would mean alot more to me than whatever mistakes she might make. yes, i would not let her off the hook for murder, or fucking around behind my back; but. geez. thats a really, really complementing set of syllables to put up there. if i ever heard those words about myself from someone else, i dont know how i could do anything against that person. that to me is someone that wants a deep committment, but is just struggling with making that work in an environment that doesnt encourage it. my advice. you stick it out kid. if you feel that way about someone, you never stop for something petty. you never let them go for something they might say. you cant just walk out. ive spent my life going for sure things. thats easy money. being scott's lovelife says, there aint easy money. so you dont get alot of quick grabs. you dont get someone that says something like that. so ive always scrapped for what i felt to be what i wanted. even today. im not too naieve to admit that, i am not any closer to a relationship to someone than i was 5 years ago. but i try. i will be annoying. i will hound them to death. i will go out of my way to kill a girl with kindness. ill pay for dinenrs, for movies, for flowers, and not stop to think. because i want them to know what i think. and. if they reject that. then i dont want them to take the easy money and kick scott to the curb. i want them to have to kick the most thoughtful, ever present, and gracious man theyve ever met; kick him to the curb. if you want me gone, you have to see and consider everything about me, and tell the best of me to go to hell. and thats been done. its been done several times. but i havent stopped. ive wanted to. ive abandoned the practice all together of looking. but when i find someone i think is worth that much to me, i still suit up and go with the A-game. even last week i was thinking to myself, "am i wasting my time with all this? is she ever going to stop and say, i really appreciate you?" the answer could be no. could be yes. but finding a girl that would say words to me, like "im so in love with you it scares me" , thats the kind of girl you look for. this guy, who really doesnt know me, and has no clue what she said, should really be lucky. not that he didnt hear it. but because she said it. and sometimes we dont always get to hear the things that are important. but it doesnt mean someone isnt saying it. thats something to feel right about. we feel wrong in an argument or an act of stupidity, but we never feel right about the things that we should feel right about. even for a person like me, who once was described as "a rough exterior with a nastier interior", sees the simplicity and the justice of stating those feelings when you have them. i know of a couple someone's that could testify that i say things like that. but saying things and doing things are different. thats where shes at. right now, id say, this guy couldnt do much wrong, and she shouldnt let herself think about doing anything wrong. just stop and thing about everything thats right about that situation as it is right now. stop and tell him what you told me. because deep down, not only is it a great thing to feel that way about someone, but its even better to hear that from someone else. and sometimes you just have to go with that.
well good news!

ive told a couple people, but today made it official; i now have a job!

RK Dixon has hired me; ill be a sales rep for the document services equipment division... really its software, copiers, duplicators and such, but its a start. ive been given a territory... which ill have to admit, is pretty cool. the only thing im not overly happy about is the pay... lets say its about what you earn working part time; but the position is heavy on comission sales. according to the team there, making money isnt going to be a problem if i do what they teach me. so. its not alot different than what i did for staples... just its gigantic sized upgrade in terms of price and productivity... some of the equipment i sell has listed prices of nearly a million bucks. nifty? yes. pressure? oh yeah. plus there is alot that sells for less than that. and i make a kick off of all of it. so. well see what happens. im excited. its a job. its a future for a while. its with a company that has a great reputation. so ill see what i can do. as a related note; expect a phone number change... the territory i have really doesnt get along well with cingular coverage, and my contract is up anyhow. plus i can bump up to a phone thats slick. i say maybe on the number change, because it appears att/cingular tend to be quite the bitches about porting numbers about. so well see what happens. and a car upgrade. ill put it this way.... if im lucky, ill only put 2000 miles on my car a month!


on some other notes

looks like no rain yet. i cant remember a forecast like this in october. where we havent gotten rain in months, and its not cold in october. usually... its cold, has a hard freeze early on, and i remember several years having snow flakes come down on halloween. this year... were calling for nearly 80 degrees monday and tuesday. 80 flipping degrees. its just not right.

ive finally gotten Man On Fire, to watch on dvd. a certain emily has been on my behind for months to see this movie... thats a lot of hype. so i should get it watched tomorrow. finally.

i have to be at a wedding all day saturday in des moines. its a cousin, that i dont really think ever much intereacted with as a kid. i was too little, she was too old. anyways. shes on marriage number 2 this time. has a kid to prove it. should be somewhat interesting i guess. i dont want to go. its relatives we dont do much with, and we just went to her brothers wedding in mid september... so were seeing them a bit more than we generally do in 10 years in 2 months. i do believe its at a catholic church too. which i found odd. they never went to church as kids, and i didnt think catholics much liked divorces in their church.

i hope to be in iowa city sunday or monday. plans can changes, but for anyone reading this that wants to schedule and appearance, let me know, id like to make a trip of it. certain people wont need to ask!

Monday, October 10, 2005



well boston's season ended a couple days ago. and i just saw the yankees lose to the angels... so. all in all, its not a total wash! regardless. the team has alot of problems to solve for next year. free agents. zero pitching. an empty bench. injuries like you wouldnt believe.

free agents.

johnny damon - keep him, if we can afford him. he flirted with .350 most of the season, and brought in 75 runs from the leadoff spot. hes on base. he can steal bases [only caught once in nearly 20 times]. hes a steady guy, who is going to give guidance to the new crop of players that are going to have to emerge in the next few seasons. rumor is he wants 10 million plus, for five years. try and split him for 3, and use that cash to by a replacement for damon's injury times, and to replace gabe kapler who is questionable now. offer him incentives to play in 155 games or better, to have an onbase percentage of .400 or make his K to BB ration be about 2 to 3 or better.

kevin millar - boot him. a great guy. fantastic clubhouse guy. but nothing comes on the field with him the past year and a half. his power is gone. he slugs 40 points better than his on base: pathetic. in 130 games, he cant hit double digit dingers in the lower lineup, where they are going to pitch to him. hes slow. in 3 years hes stolen 4 bags. TOTAL. hes above average with the glove, but just cant hit at night or on the road.

john olerud - keep him, but cheap. hes a back up. nothing more than that. he plays no more than pinch hits and once every 3 or 4 days. hes too old. no power. no speed. no threat for anything against most teams than a base nock. keep him cheap for a year, offer incentives for a second year based on stats.

mike timlin - this is hard. keep him for now. alot like damon. no more than 2 years, mid priced at best. he cant handle it with runners on, alot of his power is gone, and he showed problems with control all year. keep him cheap, he isnt much, but this bullpen doesnt have shit for right now. get him to give up less than a hit an inning, and almost one k per inning, and hes back on track. right now hes over worked at 81 appearances, and it shows when he only converts 13 of 20 save op's.

tony graffanino - keep! how cant you? great young player. ok speed. good defense. hell get better at hitting for average. hell come cheap. pay him it, and dangle incentives for performance in base running and fielding. his onbase was 75 points better than his average! only because he wont walk. get him to take base on balls, and let him run on the paths. hes smart, hes not getting caught much. so lock him up for 4 years.

bill mueller - keep. pay him about what he asks. 2 years. get youklis up and going, so that you can transition him around. when the time comes, we could get a descent arm, or a couple of young talent for him in a trade. for now, hes doing the job. he hits for average pretty well, good on base; but his best power year of 19 dingers and 80 rbis was years ago. solid glove.

zero pitching.

this has to change. the rotation of wakefield, clement, schilling, wells, arroyo; needs something. wake is fantastic. clement needs a rebound. fast. he was amazing pre break, but after wards hes lost alot of control. if by the allstar break this year, he isnt looking solid [regardless of w/l and era], shop him. schil... ive loved curt since his days in philly... long before anyone cared about bloody socks, or diamond backs. but pal. youre getting real old, real fast. schil has to be solid. not dominant. but reliable. if hes going to throw up 4 runs a start, thats fine. if he can only go 6 innings. im ok. but we have to know. right now hes so inconsistent it cant happen with him there. i know he was hurt. but. its not working. boomer? boomer is a question mark. hes older than schil, and he comes and goes. hes still got good stuff. hes got the nerve. but i dont think hes got it for every 5th day anymore. id love to pull him back into a spot starter on key games, and keep him as long relief for the empty pen. bron. buddy. you are dynamite. but keep it in the yard. keep him in the 5 hole, but be prepared to shuffle him out. so that leaves us with question marks on 2, 3, 5. and a slot at 4. we need to shop some reliable starting pitchers this winter! two words... AJ BURNETT. get this guy! a solid inning eater, and someone with electric stuff. mark mulder is on the list. a lefty would be nice, so a mark redmond is good. then we need to snag a spot starter. someone from triple A is fine. or a solid buy like julian tavarez. but the pen. the bullpen is empty. we need a closer. foulke doesnt have it. ive never liked him. buy up billy wagner. lock him for his 3 years. hes worth it. pray timlin, should he stay, can play setup again. restock the pen with 2 righties. one for middle innings, so what if he gives up bombs... as long as he can eat innings. one righty for spots for tough oughts [ie Sheffield, Vlad. Guerrero, type batters]; he needs quick stuff, nasty breaking ball. a former closer would be good. next. pickup a strong left arm. hard breaking ball, good change up. mid speed heat. hes going to need spot work for other tough outs. last get another right hander to take a chance on. someone young. we need the youth. thats a minimum for the pen. anything else would be fantastic.

the empty bench syndrome.

right now, we have zero defensive depth. we have light hitting. and we have the slowest crew of assholes ive ever seen. we need speed. get a young guy, outfielder or middle infield, light hitter, descent arm, descent glove, but can run. flat out haul ass. we can teach him to steal, but we need speed for the slow bats like manny, papi, olerud, varitek, etc, in the late innings. next. we need a first baseman who can play back up. i dont care if hes had 2 knee replacements. he needs a glove. good solid glove. if he can hit for occasional power, hes the man. we need one outfielder to plan on playing every 2nd day or 3rd all game. damon will get hurt. manny will slump at some point, and trot is going to get tired out there. we need someone who has ok range, a good arm, who can hit better than average, who is a smart base runner.. not fast. but smart. pick up someone elses trash for this. a guy like tim salmon, eli marreno, mondesi, brian jordan.. someone like that. we need a middle infielder. renteria isnt getting done all the time with the glove. so back as before, we need a glove, solid defense. good range. who cares if he cant hit? he aint playing to knock them in! rey sanchez is my pick. royce clayton is a bit much, but hed be ok. we need another catcher. doug mirabelli is on his way out. snatch up jason larue. hell come cheap for multi years. give us a good solid right handed bat to rest 'Tek with. dude hits .320 in the daylight, hes perfect for the day-after-night games. his on base is 100 points over his average, and his sluggin is 100 better than that. hes a layered player. then a miscellaneous power bat. who? dunno. burnitz, tino martinez, someone like that. someone who knows the game. that can just come in and get shit done. who is a power threat still, even if he doesnt keep power numbers.

injuries galore!

first. gabe kapler. this one hurt. the ruptured achillies in the final days of the season... we need him back. hes a great younger guy. good speed. good bat. he has to bounce back for us to contend. schilling. if he cant come back from this ankle shit on a fresh year, hes on the block by july 1. no ifs, or buts. we cant keep his salary or his liability with his age. damon. if we get him back, hes got to stay healthy. otherwise, hes going to cost us alot in replacement players and time on the dl. we need a rally guy who can get on base, and just play hard nails ball. like lenny dykstra. foulke. either youre a superstar, or youre going superfar away. make or break on your ass. make it, means you keep a set up job. breaks means we option you. providing we can pick up wagner, or someone of his caliber.

final thoughts....

so. what im expecting is about a 50 million dollar upkeep cost. if you dont, its going to be another 90 years to world championship. the nucleus of this team has been strong starting pitchers and tremendous middle offense. patch up the leaks in the rotation with a couple of reliable arms like burnett, redmond... hell even glendon rusch if the cubs drop him. but the goal has to be buy base runners for ortiz and manny to bring in. plain and simple. second. buy some defense. we dont need anything else. next season though... watch for a fire sale from a few teams to grab talent. the cubs. the rangers. the diamond backs. the dodgers. the giants. if these teams cant be half way competetive by the break, they have some talent and some dollars to drop. we could pick up some great deals on people like aramis ramierez, ray durham, glaus, jeff kent, jason schmidt, pedro feliz, shawn greene, ricky leede... lots of guys i bet, are going to go next year at clubs that cant make it. most of them mortgaged 2006 on this years supposed play off chances... if they stink early on, the air is going to smell sweet with deals for us. regardless. we need to spend some cash over the winter. why? because the yankees WILL. i guarantee it. they are going to move some of the old talent they have, and buy up anyone young with the stuff. look at randy johnson, jeter, sheffield... money is no object if you put up numbers and that club will pay a premium for a ring. problem is. there will not be a play off next year. if new york is going to tie, its not going to be for 2nd... they will do whatever it takes to be #1 next year. the devil rays cant get any worse, baltimore will slide, but the blue jays will stay mid card or higher. thats a problem. without a signifficant talent upgrade, were going to be fighting for the mid card with the blue jays to take #2 in the division. looking ahead, cleveland has what it takes, chicago is a threat, and oakland and texas are bubbles, but all for the wild card. its not going to be another eastern divison team next year. so. pony up now. pay burnett whatever it takes. pay extra for wagner. invest in young speed, mid aged middle relief, and a solid first baseman, then just buy to cover holes. with some luck, we can get lucky next year.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

one of my favorite modern poets wrote this, Philip Levine... im copying it from his 1979 work: Ashes, Poems New and Old. if his publisher or he finds this, please dont sue me. im poor. but i really enjoy his poetry. i first saw him do a reading about 5 years ago. it was a cold fall night, and he was in the shambaugh auditorium at iowa. id had a vague idea about his past, that he was connected with the writers workshop, so as a free event, i thought id go. i always hated poetry. but after i heard him read them, it was quite different. it was alot like prose stories and thoughts. and the sound of his voice had matched what i had in my head. so. as i sit on this first crisp fall evening, several years later, i came across this paperback copy, and thought id share... in a reminiscing mood.


LOST AND FOUND

A light wind beyond the window,
and the trees swimming
in the golden morning air.
Last night for hours I thought
of a boy lost in a huge city,
a boy in search of someone
lost and not returning. I thought
how long it takes to believe
the simplest facts of our lives--
that certain losses are final,
death is one, childhood another.
It was dark and the house creaked
as though we'd set sail for
a port beyond the darkness.
I must have dozed in my chair
and wakened to see the dim shapes
of orange tree adn fig against
a sky turned gray, and a few
doves were moaning from the garden.
The night that seemed so final
had ended, and this dawn becoming
day was changing the moment
by moment-- for now there
was blue above, and the tall grass
was streaked adn blowing, the quail
barked from their hidden nests.
Why give up anything? Someone
is always coming home, turning
a final corner to behold the house
that had grown huge in absence
now dull and shrunken, but the place
where he had come of age, still
dear and like no other. I have
come home from being lost,
home to a name I could accept,
a face that saw all I saw
and broke in a dark room against
a wall that heard all my secrets
and gave nothing back. Now he
is home, the one I searched for.
He is beside me as he always
was, a light spirit that brings
me luck and listens when I speak.
The day is here, and it will last
forever or until the sun fails
and the birds are once again
hidden and moaning, but for now
the lost are found. The sun
has cleared the trees, the wind
risen, and we, father and child
hand in hand, the living and
the dead, are entering the world.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

[ Story - Quad City Times, 5 Oct 2005 ]

At first glance people wouldnt care much. Davenport North is my high school of graduation. Davenport North, while I attended, and up until 2 years ago, had no swimming pool. At Davenport North, in those previous years, we never, ever, heard a complaint from the general population about not having swimming in gym.

So. The school district, the ymca, and several loud parents and swim team members pushed and bitched. A few years ago, 6.5 million dollars was coughed up by our destitute school district to dig a hole and fill it with water. Sure part of that paid for an auditorium, which, my school also lacked... but hell... we lived with a gym for 12 years that was 1/3 the size of my jr. high's. And by poor, i mean, bare bones broke, according to the school district budgeting, or how theyve issued 47 million dollars in bonds in the past few years. but i digress. they dropped in a pool which was structured that they pay the building costs, and defer any day to day payments, maintenence or staffing, for 25 years. in return, they have free use of the facility, and donate the land. ... see where this is becoming a problem?

we now have swimming classes, on our schools property, for kids that didnt want to swim. the classes are taught by gym staff, only half a pool at a time! because the ymca retains the right to allow half the use of the facility for "paying" patrons. so. the question is. when someone dies, or is injured... who pays?

this week a student, professing several times how he can not swim, drowned the first day in the pool in his mandatory "water safety course" per the school district. my thought was why the hell did that happen? the police department have deemed it accidental. really.... kids choose to drown? kids that cant swim, in 11 feet of water, with no training, choooooose to drown? no. what they should have established was the drowning was not accidental, it was foreseeable. unfortunate. unintended. but god almighty, quite forseeable. think for a second about this application of logic... is it "accidental" if a soldier dies 20 seconds on the battle field, if we revoked the 8 week boot camp, and time in theater, before hes sent out? is it "accidental" when an accountant defrauds a company, when the accountant has no certifications? is it "accidental" to loose control of an suv moving 80 miles an hour on ice covered streets, while the driver is drunk? no. in every instance, its a definite risk of entailment. not an accident. its an assumed liability. this school district took off assuming the possibility of death, and wishes it didnt happen.

while the school district is going to cling tightly to its bible of state policy, and quote the scripture stating, "we were following policy!", its not much justice to family or the situation. in presuming the only method of "water safety" was to drunk children, the school district is erroneous on several counts. first, that its not an accident that kids who cant swim will drown; two water safety can be taught from a book, or video, or other clever yet decades outdated technological marvel the schools could afford.

what am i hitting at? water safety is more than a shitty swimming lesson from an overweight frat drop out... er gym teacher. its about [drum roll] Safety, around water! for students that can swim; getting in the pool is great. but what about those that cant? id presume theyd be smart enough not to go in the water... this presumes more than the school district, which feels they should be soundly submerged. after all, its educational this way. however. maybe they will now reconsider ways of alternative education... say... for non-swimmers; how to recognize the hazards of open water, how to save a person from shore, what safety mechanisms are around you to use, cpr or rescue breathing and shock treatment, or just the generic fat ass paper on how you can die swimming. for swimmers; they could HAHA actually learn a life saving technique, cpr or rescue breathing, how to tandem save a person, how to inspect for safe swimming, how to watch for signs of non swimmers struggling, and prove proficiency in swiming. isnt that educational? more so than watching a classmate die, on his first day. which is tragic. its terrible. and its heart breaking.

anyways. the sadest part of the story is. kids who cant swim, are going to be forced into the water. this is the age of "not my fucking kid!" in education; where parents can pull kids from health class for fear of boobies; yank kids out of science for fear of man and the monkey; and run screaming if we dont gratify the young, budding, homosexual in class we all profess to love--- just not that way. in this age, i can refuse vaccinations of dangerous diseases, that even Ethiopia can conquer, because my child is amish.... but. my child can not opt out of potentially deadly "water safety" education without penalty. lets mull on this. my child, is required to fullfil the course requirements, even if he feels unsafe to the point of potential injury or death to participate, or he risks academic penalty. how wrong is this? its just, according to our courts, for christian science nut jobs to not vaccinate for measles mumps and rhubella then turn them loose with our children... its just, that students can be removed from class rather than see a shitty 2D diagram of a cut away vagina... and its just, that we make sure that every gay kid will not be referred to as such that they are... but its not just for my kid to get the hell out of a dangerous situation, where HE OR SHE FEELS INCOMPETENT TO SUSTAIN THEIR OWN LIFE.

this is rediculous. and its far from "accidental" when this poor kid dies in the water because of it. he did it because otherwise hed fail gym. hed fail it. who fails gym? convicts pass pe. they have passing grades for kids with CP that will never understand they cant walk. but they would fail this kid if he wouldnt get in that water. he got in way over his head. and did the school district predict this kind of thing? with no lifeguard on this side, for the kids that cant swim, but one for the lap swimmers.... cant they see that they are missing the student who voiced concerns about not making it? not once in 30 minutes did they? not once! god dammit. isnt that the kid you want to watch the closest? isnt that the one you dont let go of as an instructor? because what if that was your kid? and accident is something dropping. a dish. a spoon. this kid couldnt swim, they put him in the water, then didnt bother to look for him in 30 minutes. thats no accident. thats a horrid truth to all of this.

so now that im standing on my alan shore soap box, i have to say. this is a travesty. this is incompatible with what we want our children to learn... teaching water safety shouldnt result in the death of a student, it shouldnt. its wrong. but it happens now. and they were following policy. policy, in this sense, became more important that seeing to the life of a student. policy said, get this kid in the water. and policy says its "accidental" if this is the result. ... where do we draw the line? automobiles are a top killer of kids in high school; but we dont require "drivers education", its not only optioned, but its expensive to deter it! if a childs' parents fear for his mind to warp around a notion of men and women having sex, he can come out of class. no harm. no foul. but put kids in a life threatening situation, even when they tell us they dont feel safe, and it a requirement. a requirement like no other they face. one that in this circumstance, wrongfully robbed a family.

i hope to hell this family sues. i hope they win. i hope it bankrupts the school district. i hope it places someone personally liable for their actions. and i hope the school implements a reasonable stance on teaching water safety... one that avoids water for those that arent safe in it. and i hope the school district and the y, have to install an underwater monitoring system, at the cost of the policy administrators of the school system. in check, cash preferred. because thats justice. thats the american way. sue the assholes and take it from their hides... because in this country, thats all that seems to have an effect when it comes to following policy.