several gripes...

. i washed my watch. i felt like such an idiot. i was so mad at myself for not paying attention to it. and while it was only a 9 dollar watch at walmart, i still felt bad about it. this is probably why i dont buy many nice things. id ruin them somehow. so after finding the bits of broken glass face in my clothes, i was thorougly disgusted enough to go out and buy a replacement. a whopping 6.49 at walmart.

. im really at a loss for words. i try as hard as i can to be a good friend. i try to be caring. to be sensitive. to be positive. i guess its just not something anyone wants. im scratching my head over it. sure. i might have feelings for this girl beyond friendship, but i told her, and i mean it, that im willing to wait until shes ready to make that kind of decision. until then, i care about her enough to want to be around her as a close friend. honestly the kind i think she doesnt have many of, that really no one ever does. the kind that its ok to cry in front of... in fact the one thats the first one to show up when you cry. the ultra trustworthy kind you talk with about the things you dont want to tell yourself, and hardly another person. im doing it because i really do believe in her. shes fun. shes a great person, and i just wish id get through. so. the problem? well. after reading about what i did to my watch... you can guess that appearantly ive screwed something up here too. i sent flowers. i thought it was something nice shed appreciate. not only have i [3 days later] not gotten a [quick or any kind of] thank you, but ive gotten the silent treatment when i ask. i just dont get it. i hope shes just really busy. or that something happened to her phone. i really hope its not the "silent game". i tried so hard just to do something nice-- and no one even wants that. its like i manage to mess up doing nice things. i hate that feeling. its worse than guilt. because with guilt, i should feel wrong for what i did do. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel wrong about what i did this time. none. and here i am, feeling bad.

. i hate these online dating sites. there isnt anything. on 3 different sites, [match.com, eharmony.com, and cupid.com] im not registering ANY matches. match.com does a 100 percent scale... the highest match there is for me; is 42. a 42. i remember reading once in something about modern personality matched dating, that according to their questionaire i was appealing to something like 8% of the population. i really hate this. i know ive complained alot about being lonely lately on this, but man. there isnt even one Half=assed match for me in the land of the internet. how pathetic is that?

. i had a dream last night where i was in bed with a woman. that it wasnt just sex. that it was comforting. that it was consoling. it was... vivid. it felt like the first 13 minutes of a softcore porn flick. it made me wish it wasnt a dream. i remember waking up this morning, and being on my back thinking; why the hell cant that actually happen. and it was a sad realiztion that it doesnt happen. for whatever reason it just shocked me into feeling sad about it. about myself. about the truth. here i am, almost 25 yeras old. and i cant even say i can get a simple bit of dream to happen for myself. and its sad. its so pathetic that i think about it. that i dream about it. that in the back of my mind, i torture myself about it. because it was something so simple. so welcoming. and so much for my dreams.