Friday, August 30, 2002

Current Musical Selection: Elvis - I Can't Help Falling In Love

dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.

i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.

unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..

ain't it fun~
s.

Monday, August 26, 2002

Current Musical Selection: Tool - Sober

" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "

people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

Current Musical Selection: GnR Lies album

well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.

i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.

its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.

ain't it fun~
s.