Current Musical Selection: GnR Lies album

well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.

i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.

its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.

ain't it fun~
s.