Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole

so i was walking home tonight. in the rain. and this is the song that struck me. i took 40 minutes to walk home from the library. thinking over this song. its one of those rare moments of clarvoiance, that i can remember every word. i was almost hearing the music playing as i walked. its such a powerful song. it hit me how much i miss lane staley. everything thing he wrote was so mournful and true. [he was the lead singer of Alice In Chains] they found him dead last year... in the spring... anyway i remember it was dark and cloudy the night i heard the news. he was one of the few singers that i can identify with. every lyric he wrote came from deep inside. but it wasnt from his heart... it was from his soul. and his drug addictions. he fought it every day. he hated himself for being addicted to shit. in and out of rehab. his body would just never let go of it, and he knew it. alot of his songs are about living that way. being tormented. about wanting to die to end it all. he had terrible depression from it all. but at times i identify alot with his sentiment. so i walked in the rain. i guess i sang to myself. no one heard me or seemed to notice. it was just me and lane.

down in a hole. losin' my soul. down in a hole. losing control.

so i walked on. around some neighborhoods i didnt know. just the darkness, the rain, and lane. thinking about life alot. about what its like living. about what its like to be down in a hole. about what its like to lose one's soul. and how id ever know when it was gone. how did he know? because he did. lane knew when it slipped away. he knew when he didnt have that sense of himself anymore; when the only thing his body craved was crap. he hated it. but he lived on. and i walked on.

bury me softly in this womb. i give this part of me for you. sand rains down, yet here i sit.

alots gone on. sometimes, i guess i lose a sense of grip on where i am. sometimes, i really feel like ive lost a sense of identity. or maybe i know ive gained a larger sense of it all. maybe just a better understanding on what i never knew--- on what people never knew about me. but the rain was cold. and i just let it come down. why stop it. why stand in the way. i just let it all go. walking around empty in the rain. and i just kept singing to myself. i just kept thinking about things. sometimes wishing for changes. sometimes not. sometimes, i guess i just hoped it would all go away. and i know it wont.

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved. see my heart i decorate it like a grave.

after sitting through my life the past few months; i dont know what to think. i dont know what i feel about it all. i guess there isnt much to think about. nothings really much the same anymore. nothings the same. nothings necessarily what i want it to be. and i just kept on walking; thinking about how lane saw those things infront of him. how, he knew he didnt want to be an addict anymore. how he could kick it; and how he tried so hard. then i thought about how he died alone. it was several days before anyone bothered to check up on him. i guess he couldnt take seeing it anymore. seeing his life turn into nothingness. watching everything wither, like he did on the drugs. his band fell apart. he relationships fell apart. he lost family connections. his life slipped away. he just couldnt keep pulling himself out of the hole. the drugs just pulled harder, until he gave out. and i wondered how it must have felt. to feel it go. to know you were hitting the bottom. to know, you couldnt reach out to save yourself that last time.

you dont understand, who they thought i was supposed to be

sometimes i feel myself slip. how about trying not to feel detached when you know you arent the one making people smile anymore. except when youre gone. that makes them happy. its so hard, when you realize there isnt much connection for you out there. when you really feel alone alot of the time. it tears you up, from the inside out. but no one knows. no one cares much. its just your feelings. just your preceptions, your identity, your sense of fullfillment. they never care much when youre gone. but you do. because youve got no one else left when they all leave you. in alot of ways, i do feel that way. let go of. tossed aside. crumpled up. definetely that i dont matter much anymore. i guess i can imagine what it might have been like for him. lane definetly would know what it was like for me. but we walked in the rain together. no one noticed me. they couldnt tell if you cry in the rain.

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line

well... this is going to be a short post for a couple reasons... mainly my hand. i cut my hand up pretty bad at work on saturday; some customer pushed me and the knife skipped from the box into the back of my left hand, right across my tendons. well... it hurts. i figure i had the blade a good 3/4's of an inch in to my hand, and it was at an angle, so the gash is pretty long and it goes under the skin instead of straight in... so it hurts. i had a hell of a time getting it to stop bleeding at work. i was actually starting to get scared. my fingers all move fine, just its a dull ache and moving my fingers and hand aggrivates the parts trying to seal shut. i suppose i should have gotten stitches; i guess it is bad enough. but ive been doping out on like 600mg bayer and trying to keep it bandages and liquid stich on it. its not so bad. just aggrivating.

also have exam, some latin readings and stuff to get done for bible class tomorrow... after spending 2 hours at the main library i had to come back.. i ran out of parking change. it really should be illegal to charge for parking at the library. i mean, come on. its not like the kids at this school use the library much... it would be encouraging if nothing else, for them to go there. sure tow away non library patrons; but fucking a. we cant need the money that bad to charge a buck an hour to read free books [that were paid off 60 years ago], cant we?

sad note. johnny cash died this weekend. i think we lost one of the greats. nevermind is crappy last album or so, which was nearly all collarborations with pop music lame-o's; but his real stuff from the 60's and 70's is pure gold. excellent songwriter, very unique voice, a man of convictions [namely the justice system... he vowed to wear black until the day he died, until every man was freed from prison everywhere] and definitely a man who overcame alot of personal issues in his life; and reconcilled with his past in his later years. play a song or three this week; or drop the dough and pickup one of his greatest hits cds for like 6 bucks in the bargain bins. give something back to the man that gave himself to music and made a difference in real people's lives.