and i am terribly conflicted.

its been strange lately. ive had my head down, running around doing this garbage schedule of mine, and rarely do i have a chance to pop it up and look around. maybe i should. you see, alot kind of went past me lately i never sat and thought much about. i found out my grandmother is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, and shes going to need to move to one of those fancy places for that. and its sinister. its been hard on my mother [as an only child] to deal with seeing her own mother start to loose it. but now that its in my head, its getting hard to grasp. shes always been kind of batty. and she is getting older. it happens. i got to remind myself of that fact. it does happen. but its going to be a big departure from what ive know. all my life, all of it, shes lived in one place, and been grandma. nothing ever changed. and it would almost seem insulting to move someone who would be in her position, but its not. it really is the best thing we can do. she knows whats going on, and she understands whats happening. god that would kill me. i might opine away on my thoughts sometimes to my slipping grip on reality, but knowing what would be coming would be hell. i dunno. its just one thing.

im also slowly realizing my age. and thats a sad thing. im not old. but im no longer young. i keep thinking to myself that im two years freshly graduated from college... but thats a pretty abstract way to measure time. im getting old. ive only got three summers left in me, before im 30. and for whatever that does or does not matter; mentally and emotionally i keep wanting to think of myself as a peer to all those kids getting ready to move back to school. i want to be dumb enough to sit and get tanked at some bar with a crowd of whores to try at. to bitch about midterms, or to shove it aside and sit around with friends till 4 am talking about god knows what in the hallway. but its not happening. thats all something thats in the past. so now, when i roll through some of the campus around here at ambrose or augustana, its a shock to think thats not me anymore. its the past. its me, getting old. and i always thought things would come along that replace those thoughts, and those actions. right? the ethos of an adult replaces that of the 20 something, which is a stronger, and better adolescent, whom is a developed child. all those things we learn, those social mores, and lessons prepare us for the real changes.... the responsibilities, the situations and the decisions we make. but im sitting there, feeling like i should be with them, but know that im not.

im also thinking about my relationships with people. poof. something falls in my lap this evening that i honestly, wasnt looking for. ... its people looking back to say something. there was a definitive split. something like a year ago. and the reason was because i just was sick of the shit and walked away. one of those great epiphany moments, like a true james joyce moment, where i came to realize what all was really true. for a long while i had been fed up with it. but i affronted the good guy attitude, i swept things under the rug, and i tried to keep it between the lines. silently i was angry about it. then this shit shows up. like i want to reach back and answer to what happened a year ago. in some deranged way, i want to. i want to go back to that time, and in the worst way, i want to scream and be angry again. i want badly to put this through someones fucking skull, that maybe i had a hard time adjusting to life minus. minus school. minus where i wanted to be. minus being that careless twenty-something year old. but that didn't make anything right. that doesn't address the real issues. and i guess, thats something i get out of it for being the old guy now. i get the things that slipped by those people. the bigger picture is the heart of rejecting someone. not the reasons. not the ill applied divisions you created. but the issue of rejecting someone else. and maybe thats my answer. and maybe that doesn't mean anything either.

maybe what it means is im just not satisfied. not with life. im starting to hit a wall at work about what i do, how i do it, and where i can go with it in my location. bit by bit, im feeling older. i actually feel it in my legs and back when i wake up now. just a dull kind of ache. like after you run a couple miles, you have that dead leg sensation. sometimes its like that when i wake up now. its disturbing. not to mention im counting the seasons as i age. another true sign that im getting old. and im not satisfied with much, because i havent done much. i really havent amounted to anything. financially im dependent. socially, im often left independent. but all together its doesnt feel like its any one particular thing. just alot of them. slowly. something small like, attending a wedding in about a month; has left me feeling more and more pathetic. not that im no where near that point; but i cant scrounge anyone for a date. i tried. and i thought the last three years or so, that maybe it was just bad timing, odd weekends for people, or me not looking hard enough. but now; now im pretty burnt out on it. ive slowly... theres that word again... slowly coming to accept what it is.

its ___________ .


[fill in the blank for me i guess]

thats alot of rambling. i dunno. im tired. this impending sense of doom is coming up fast.... its about the only thing that doesnt feel slow about me anymore.