sorry.

sorry for being the cock-block people. i dont intend to be. im just naturally the third wheel i suppose. just about everywhere ive been in the past month, has lead me into the same predicament. obviously its just safer to assume no one wants me around if there is someone else. but i suppose thats how i got to be on my own again, isnt it?

that was low. a low shot at me. i guess i exagerate my guilt more so than i should about things. but i remember what its like. people can stop looking at me like i dont. yeah. i do remember what its like to come home to someone at night. i might be heartless to you all, but i can remember feeling welcomed by someone else. but what gets me more is why i never realize it at the time. like right now i realize how much i miss having someone around; but a couple months ago something came up that i didnt want to go home to. i dont even remember what happened. it was some kind of fight over something stupid im sure. so i went for a massive walk. id guess the 8 to 10 mile range; i was out for about 4 hours doing nothing but walking. phone was off. even stayed away from major roads and lights when i could. just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. i wanted to stay away from home, where i knew shed be at. by the time i walked back, i saw my light on through the window. i knew i didnt want to go in. so i sat down for a bit. then i got up and walked for another 40 minutes before i could go in. i kept her waiting that long. when i got upstairs, id seen shed fallen asleep with the lights on, laying on the couch waiting for me to come home. thats when i realized i should have come straight home. and im kicking myself for things like that even now. now when it doesnt matter; i suppose; what happened when. just that it matters to me that i wasted something with someone i shouldnt have. and i regret it now. now when i always leave by myself with the feeling of intruding on people and their time together. like its pennance for me not respecting it when i had it.

its funny how we let the ghosts of our past haunt our future. like how i can be terrified by something that happened years ago, that was stupid then, but ill still let it scare me now. dumb things like that keep me up at night.

again, Axl Rose says it all...


All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind

And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I didn't want to meet you
Now there's a hell I can't describe

So now I wander through my day
Trying to find my way
Still these feelings that I felt
I said to you and no one else

And no it's never going to change
I know it's gone, but still I'm used
And that's nice to hang on someone
A change that's bittersweet

That's called the blues

Current Musical Selection: Cryin Sam Collins - Riverside Blues

[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]

did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.

it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.

its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.

so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.