sorry.

sorry for being the cock-block people. i dont intend to be. im just naturally the third wheel i suppose. just about everywhere ive been in the past month, has lead me into the same predicament. obviously its just safer to assume no one wants me around if there is someone else. but i suppose thats how i got to be on my own again, isnt it?

that was low. a low shot at me. i guess i exagerate my guilt more so than i should about things. but i remember what its like. people can stop looking at me like i dont. yeah. i do remember what its like to come home to someone at night. i might be heartless to you all, but i can remember feeling welcomed by someone else. but what gets me more is why i never realize it at the time. like right now i realize how much i miss having someone around; but a couple months ago something came up that i didnt want to go home to. i dont even remember what happened. it was some kind of fight over something stupid im sure. so i went for a massive walk. id guess the 8 to 10 mile range; i was out for about 4 hours doing nothing but walking. phone was off. even stayed away from major roads and lights when i could. just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. i wanted to stay away from home, where i knew shed be at. by the time i walked back, i saw my light on through the window. i knew i didnt want to go in. so i sat down for a bit. then i got up and walked for another 40 minutes before i could go in. i kept her waiting that long. when i got upstairs, id seen shed fallen asleep with the lights on, laying on the couch waiting for me to come home. thats when i realized i should have come straight home. and im kicking myself for things like that even now. now when it doesnt matter; i suppose; what happened when. just that it matters to me that i wasted something with someone i shouldnt have. and i regret it now. now when i always leave by myself with the feeling of intruding on people and their time together. like its pennance for me not respecting it when i had it.

its funny how we let the ghosts of our past haunt our future. like how i can be terrified by something that happened years ago, that was stupid then, but ill still let it scare me now. dumb things like that keep me up at night.

again, Axl Rose says it all...


All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind

And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I didn't want to meet you
Now there's a hell I can't describe

So now I wander through my day
Trying to find my way
Still these feelings that I felt
I said to you and no one else

And no it's never going to change
I know it's gone, but still I'm used
And that's nice to hang on someone
A change that's bittersweet

That's called the blues