Friday, July 07, 2006

so with James Brown wailing about "Bringing It Up" in the back ground, i stare at the blinking cursor. it used to be my friend. i used to find myself sitting here, arguing or lamenting about everything.... and for whatever reason in the past month or so i just havent. ive thought about it. but like a bad friend, i never initiated that contact. i just let the day go on. at one point i kind of thought how nice it would have been just to put something pointless up, as a good faith way of keep up appearances. but i never got around to it. so now The Blog has drug me out here, in a way to show me off like were still comfortable.... even though we both know we havent been so of late. ...

the past month went pretty fast. all the days really start to run together for me. sometime after seeing matt and kris, its all been about one long day in my mind. im regularly working 6 day weeks. the last couple have been 7. and while that does mean money, and more importantly, overtime-money.... it kills: ( list of things ). fill in the list as you please, but everyday it seemed to be something different that i missed more than the money i got from working. sometimes it was just the freedom to roam around or be lazy. sometimes it felt like i was missing the time to actually sleep and recoup. im not even going to frame my job in any way resembling difficult. its not. it requires only a few things to be successful at it [more on that in a sec.]... first is major patience. these "contractors" we help really dont speak english. or any language. its all grunts and pokes and fart noises. second is the ability to regurgitate facts. the first two weeks i absorbed an encyclopedia of crap facts about crappers. its now only a matter of repeating it. thats all it takes. it doesnt matter if you know much of anything, only if you repeat as told. third, it takes a stout constitution. i really only get one break a day, and thats a half hour for lunch if im punched in working for 8 hours and more. there are no chairs, and there is a fair amount of heavy lifting. but thats about it. wear the dope-y blue vest. load 200 pound vanity cabinets for people, and repeat what a wax ring does. rarely do i need to do more than add a blink at 80% of the people. the last 20% require a bit more work. but thats it. it helps to learn pipe thread vs. hose thread vs. compression thread vs. flare threads by touch. but its not really needed. and by following this method, i was employee of the month. seriously. the only point at which i dont follow this, is when i actually get to do what i used to do at staples... which was actually merchandise and upsell products to people. menards sells by volume. and ill be damned if that trailer park maintence person will pay more than low ball pricing. so its really irrelevant that i can do anything else. it was useless for me to go to college. mostly a waste to work hard at learning the art of merchandising at staples. utterly pointless that i sold 30,000 dollar copiers. all i need to be the best employee on a given month, is "flare threads are for flexible gas line connections, and are different than pipe thread sizes." point at a package, and walk away. sometimes, i carry around 40 pound rail-road ties for people. but thats it. ... in a way, i should be proud of being the employee of the month, when ive only been there for about 3 months. especially when there are almost 100 people that work in my store alone. on the other hand... its pathetic. i cant say that i havent learned anything... because i have. im actually learning alot, and some of that gets used. but the entire business isnt based around that. it cant be. because if someone with zero knowledge walks in and becomes employee of the month, based on sales and performance, in three months, its a problem. but thats that place. about the only thing of half worthiness, is that theyve asked me if id take a promotion out of the area. i havent answered it yet. it didnt sound time sensitive. or overly appealing.

lets see... ive also been trying to [ab]use my place to meet females. the store hires a surprising number of attractive ones. which shocked me. but its so odd. for me, it never was difficult to get them to flirt, or to talk. this isnt different. but its just that i dont feel all that motivated to. thats not right.... i do feel motivated to. its just its not the same somehow. its just something i do, but nothing i want. i dunno... im not sure that makes sense even to me, now that i read it. its just something feels different. its almost like it feels empty. i wondered for a while, if that was normal... and i realized that going through the motions probably wasnt. it probably isnt. but i do. its idle practice. but thats all it is. as the saying goes, my heart isnt in it. in alot of ways, id like it to be. i wish i could just generate some fantastic girl from my minds eye, and go from there. but its not happening. and like i said i realize it now. it caught me one day when i was talking with this girl, i found out to be 17, and could tell she was into it. she was into having someone talk to her, to flirt with, to smile at, to be cute and coy around, in a way that she wasnt with the other people. enough so that shed follow me around and waive at me from half a store away. but before anyone gets the bright idea of "go for it scott"; shes 17. shes had one boyfriend... and from what ive found out, its a playdate type of thing, its a family friend type of person. she obviously has no experience in anything, and likely doesnt realize what a shrewd and devious though that strings through my mind. granted, most people dont get that. but when i was talking to her that day, i just became clear on the 17 year old-ness of it all. then there is the girl with a couple kids that tried luring me in with the "i need some sex soon or i dont know what will happen" lines, and the like. who then tries to use some lines about being lonely and needing a man like me, to draw me in. not that there is anything wrong with that.... i guess. just i dont feel any desire for it. no connection. no draw. nothing. nothing that would make me want to go on. even the idea of "picking low hanging fruit", didnt do it. i guess. i do want more. and in a way i want something i lost a while ago. i just want that whole situation back. the things you think about, staring in the eyes of a 17 year old girl.

maybe the past 30 some odd days, gave me a chance to get away and thing by myself. not that anything i put here, isnt my own thought, but... i guess lately it involved less rattling around. less echo. less of hearing myself thinking, rather than doing the thinking. ive been thinking alot about what im going to do. here i am... 25. and im stuck. ive got to end up somewhere. thats what im thinking about now.