you ever feel like you are in an episode of the twilight zone? just... everything seems to be happening in such a way, you scratch your head and go, does anyone else notice this? thursday i drove up to see sarah for lunch. as were sitting there, mind you, the first time ive seen her in the month of august, some man on a bike comes up. pulls out a camera and a ny times, and starts talking about taking pictures of people reading, so that he can make a mural out of it. he had a sample of it run in the paper. sarah pretty much looked at me, and i said, "ok..." then he goes, well id like to take a picture of you two; as i was walking past, i said to myself, this is the perfect image! she and i exchange nervous looks and laughter. but we were ok with it. so he hands us a diary, to pretend like we were reading it to each other, and he starts snapping away. at one point he mutters, "you too just look picturesque together" im bitting my lip. shes trying to look away. then he says, "hey, talk to him about whats up with harry potter!" she and i just lock eyes and start smiling, nervously.

see... to backfill some on this odd meeting. you have to undestand, about 2 weeks ago, sarah started telling me all about this book she was reading. i was shocked that she had time to read. so naturally our conversations always came back to the book. eventually she told me it was the 6th harry potter book. we talked about it. and, id never read any of them. so. i decided if she liked it that much, id read it. just to see. about a week and a half later, and 3 books finished, im catching up fast. but we joke about harry potter stuff, she asks me whats happening in the book to know where i am. just one of those things. i guess something we can half way enjoy together. [although, i cant convince her to pick up something I ENJOY.. cough hemmingway. cough faulkner. cough].

so. were sitting on the retaining wall by the hospital, being models. for me it was tough. not looking at her, or keeping eye contact. not even trying not to laugh. because i did. in my nervous, almost forced way. the only thing that came into my head was, who on earth pulls out a phrase like, "tell him whats up with harry potter" it was like someone knew. like someone was reading this in their book, and walked into the middle of it. i wasnt necessarily spooked. i was just. i dunno. anyways. he snaps about 6 pictures. smiles, thanks us immensely, then scurries off on his bike, and cuts behind a cambus. we immediately start talking about it and laughing, and in the exchange i lost the guy. how? its an empty parkway. 5 people on the sidewalk, one bus. no cars. and the guy was gone. sarah said she thought he must have ridden off. but he just dissappeared too fast for me. i dont get it.

so i mentioned the idea of omens and signs. about the lady in the restaurant [who at dinner earlier in the night i went back and confessed all to her, stopped us and asked her "is this your man?" --no "isnt he your boyfriend?" --uhm no! "well he ought to be, in 26 years of marriage, my husband has never looked at me that way or said a thing like that to me... this guy is a good one, you cant let him go, you just cant."]. about the kid in the bookstore [who starts asking me about harry potter books, and why someone like me is reading them. then about my friend, and if she was my girlfriend] about our ability to damn near hear each others thoughts [i stop her before she says anything, she finishes my sentence, we pick out the same dresses out of a dozen that we both like]. she didnt think it was anything. just a weird guy. but its going around in my head. im a detail person. i see things that are out of place. you know those Hocus-Focus things in the comics? the difference between two pictures? in a glance, i usually see those differences, that people spend 20 minutes on. and im just picking up on this. i dunno. maybe i am stupid. maybe im bored. maybe i have an over active imagination, and just am seeing things that arent there. but.

the mind just sits and cycles over things. like today, we were talking on aim, and she mentions how she went and got pizza last night... weve never had the pizza talk. so im not sure what she likes, what toppings she hates, or where she likes to go. so i throw out two specific places. not chains. specific mom-pop places in iowa city. the answer was. "wow. thats really funny you said that..." she ate at one, but wanted to go to the other, but it was too far to walk to in the rain. ... you know. sometimes it scares me. how alike you can be with someone else, and just not know it. then again, it scares me how you can be so much alike with someone else, and not do anything about it. to me. its got to mean something. something more than, you like pizza. because now its pizza, books, stories growing up, family 10 minutes from each others homes, same exact cds, and same dvd... its and its little things... they just keep piling up. and i look at it and go... why am i not with this person? go back to my last post... yesterday i found out two things... she desparately wants to be married, but doesnt think it will happen; and she wants children. it came out of nowhere in a conversation that turned to that. i didnt say anything. it just seemed to perfect to ruin it. i just said to her, that.. "if anybody is going to be married and happy forever, its going to be you. its me thats going to end up wondering what the hell happened to my life" because i just didnt know what else to say. im just scratching my head going; doesnt this all make sense? look at my horrorscopes... yes, im the first person to say exactly how broad, generic, and non descript these things are... but for the day i told her how i felt, and the day after....

day of:

You're not much for letting the world know your innermost secrets. But now? Well, let's just say that keeping things under wraps won't just be impossible, it'll be uncomfortable. So why bother? Speak your mind, proudly!

day after:

One way or the other, everything that has to do with that pressing relationship
issue yesterday is going to work out fine in the end. If it's not fine yet, don't worry. All that means is that it's not the end.

it makes me wonder. it makes me think that this has to be right. for once. or am i just looking past the reality? but it just sticks with me. thing after thing. time after time.

i was officially offered a job from enterprise yesterday. its somewhat exciting. the pay is pathetic. but it is a job. i havent decided to flat out say no. i told them id need time to consider the offer, as i was interviewing with several other places. all of which would pay potentially twice as much. i suppose it cant all be about money, right? well. it is. for the kind of money enterprise wants to pay me, id have made more staying with staples. yes, MORE. its a slap in the face for what they offer. after speaking with the head of iowa operations, it sounds as if enterprise hasnt updated their payscale in 10 years. ten years ago, 19,500 probably wasnt too terrible coming right out of school. today, its pathetic. they ofcourse, had to stress to me other earning potential from rental comissions, fleet sales, and referrals. i laughed. looking at the chart, the company superstar in the first 3 years only makes about 5 grand different than the i-just-show-up-to-work-most-days employee. and of that difference, 1500 is mandatory bonus for finishing exam work, 1000 dollars is in referral bonus [for new employees], and 850 comes from fleet sales to customers. the other 3000 some odd dollars is in comission sales over 9 months for an early placement. none of that can be counted on. no base pay bumps. no extra benefits. 5 days paid vacation, after 1 year. 3 flex holidays. mandatory saturdays. and 11 hour days. its not a good offer to be honest. but its something. something is still more than nothing. but nothing would cost me LESS in taxes. thinking back over their superstar vs. bad employee pay scales... after taxes, youd never see that difference. knowing corporate america, those bonuses arent cash in envelopes. they are taxed out at high 30%. so after taxes, id make approximately 14,600 to 19,900. i made more working PART TIME. now i see where this place creates all that revenue. its a large and growing company. it runs on a very thin margain. and this is what hits the razor's edge. the probably 10,000 people on the bottom end that do 80% of the work. i thought about it on the drive home from des moines, how difficult it was for me to stay motivated with staples numbers and requirements at my pay. enterprise would have rediculous amounts of pressure for less than i made working part time. but with more hours a week than i usually put in working full time. that 19,500 spread over their 55 hour work week, for all 52 weeks [recall i dont get any time off till AFTER the first full year], makes me about 6.80 an hour. after taxes, id keep about 5.45. take out benefit payments for health atleast, im left with approximately 4.89 an hour. below fucking minimum wage, requiring a 4 year degree. pathetic. see why im upset about this? why on earth would a college graduate take a job like this, when they should be smart enough to do the math and see what they arent getting? granted, breakign down any kind of salary, is going to make you mad, when you see how little of it you actually keep. but at 19,500 its embarrasing. i couldnt afford to live on my own. i couldnt afford to replace my car. id never have money to spend on Someone. id be more poor than i was in college, come to think of it. and that is not right.

sigh. so. im still here. sitting in the basement, trying to figure out what else there might be for options. phil called me this morning to tell me a place that sells orthodic shoe insoles wanted me for a store manager. pay would approach 50 grand. no benefits! none! id have to pay health insurance out of pocket. retail-like hours again, and NO WEEKEND. id "be given time off during the week, but weekends and sequential days off could not be given at this point" fucking christ. im my own store manager, and i couldnt be able to get a weekend off. ever. plus pay everything out of pocket. and deal with people's feet. no. i had phil give them my official, not interested letter.

and im still sitting here. thats pretty much been my developments on jobs over the past couple days. atleast this week, ive had the power to say no. and not the other way around as it had been. i still hope there is something out there. something thats going to give me real money, half-way descent hours, and benefits. so far im not finding it. and ofcourse, it would be nice enough to find a job i knew something about. unlike renting cars or selling shoe inserts. thinking it over though, most of my friends took a full 6 months to find something. some of them arent even working in a real field. answering phones. doing email responses to bulk questions. tech support. retail. not real careers. not real pay. but after 6 months, thats where they ended up. im dreading that. dreading waiting 6 months for a crap job. being stuck at my parents house for that long, or longer with a crap job. if i turn 25, and dont have a job, and am living at home still... im over with.

speaking of other life plans. id been thinking alot about how it all plans out for me. plans are pretty linear. you pick, you plan, you wait, it happens. anymore, i pick, i plan, i wait. and thats it. somehow weddings got brought up, and my mom started in talking about how hers went. after awhile i asked how old she was, knowing damn well the answer. 21. at 24 shed had my sister already. another year or so, and shed have me. i could help but feel pathetic. she reminded me that shed have waited if she did it over again, but that things were different back then. i still somewhat disagree. knowing how many of my friends are all married off now. i cant say it doesnt bother me a little bit to know this plan is going down in flames quite quickly. i figured, that if i wanted children, i couldnt wait much longer than 33. preferably by 30. i just dont want to be in my 50s taking kids to jr. high. i also figure i wanted to enjoy being married for a couple years first, without children. so figure 27. im almost 25. its pretty reasonable to figure a year of engagement or more, and a year of serious dating before that. im looking down the barrel of the gun at this point. my odds arent great for sticking to this plan. and while there isnt any reason why i couldnt push every thing back. it starts to get more complicated. think. women's fertility rates drop steadily after 30. in a ten year period, between 30 and 40, a high 80% of women go from their lasting peak to almost zero percent odds of pregnancy at age 45. sure there are cases of 50 year olds with twins. and 44 year olds. but the odds arent there. thats why they make the newspapers with those kinds of births. realistically childbearing is not and endless time frame. its a window. its a window thats quickly closing around me. now i suppose that must means i have to find someone in that window. making me the cradle robber. someday, ill be the guy trying to buy a bride in her 20s, when im 60. i dont want that. i still believe that i can marry my best friend. that were going to enjoy each other for more than something petty like money. and i dont believe in divorce. so it leaves me with shot. even more reason to worry i suppose. its a tall order. its a hell of a lot to ask someone. its probably too much to have going on in the back of my mind. but ill argue all of that... its necessary people. i have to think about it. if i dont. it wont happen. to keep to the plan, i have to know i only have about 4 years left. 4. i didnt even make it through college in 4 years. with no job. no real direction. and knowing i sure as shit cant count on how i look to attract someone; 4 years is a small window to do that much. to do what i wanted for myself.

for along time, all ive really ever wanted to do with my life, were three things. three. three measley little things, that to me, would say i accomplished my life, i did what i wanted, and i had some meaning to what i did.

1. find a career, that pays me what im worth. pay me what it takes so that i dont have to worry about money every day. that i have enough to take care of things... maybe not scrooge mcduck piles of cash. but to afford some comfort. to never have to sit and wonder if i deposited my pay check before i paid rent, while standing in line at the grocery store, planning if my check for groceries will bounce on the spot. never having to worry about having money for my kids for clothes, or food. sure i cant buy them a namesake building at Harvard, but that id always have enough money for what we need. and some extra. enough that i can spoil them, and spoil my wife once in while. a job i dont hate. i job i dont dread getting up for every day. but one i can leave at the jobsite, and come home from for my family.

2. a wife. a wife that loves me. someone thats my best friend. someone that understands me, that worries about me. someone that wants to be with me for me. who knows all the things that make me, me; and how to deal with that. someone i can understand just by looking at. someone that comes to me for strength. someone thats not affraid to cry. someone that wants everyone else to know how happy she is with me. someone that wouldnt ever want to leave me. someone that wants children. that wants a life with me. someone that says, scott is the only one i want. a woman that agrees with my list of 3 things.

3. children. the job pays for it. the wife and i have each other. and the children have us. i want kids. i want to have kids runing around. i want to have kids to watch grow up. kids i can go to school functions with. kids i can ground occasionally. kids that light up when they see mom and dad. kids that end up alot like me. fullfilment. having all of that. kids fill that out. and thats what i want.

only three things. i cant truthfully put them in a ranking like that... but it would kind of work that way as listed. kids have to come last. id have to find a wife like that to have children with. and id need some money and job security to do it. and the more i thought about it, the more i realize, for me... asking for all 3 is asking for quite alot. looking at everything on that list. its hard to imagine myself realistically with all of it. maybe my magic number really should just be 2 of them. maybe i could find a job like that. but maybe i couldnt ever find a wife like that. and as hard as ive tried, ive only found a pair that id even consider it with. so. jobs and kids. i could always adopt i suppose. raising kids by myself that have no real connection to me. to blood ties. someone elses throw aways like me. that would be alright. its not all 3. i wonder how hopeless i am if i cant even manage 2. right now, i cant even get 1 down. im at zero. and i have 4 years to move that. 4. if i dont have 2 of those crossed off in four years, i wont ever cross them off. no matter which two they are. because i cant start over with a job at 30 something. not with other committments. i cant abandon a wife for children, or money. i cant bail out on a wife and kids with no job. ill know by the time i blow out my candles on my 29th birthday what my odds realistically are for myself. ill know how short i was. or how close i am. and its only four years away. i kind of wonder what it would be like not to get anything on that list. what it would be like to end up with a job i hate, for not much money. no one to come home to. no one to make fun of me for getting bald. no one to sit and share thoughts with. no one else except myself. and not for four years.. for-ever years. maybe Someone should see why my motivations are what they are, if i spell it all out like this. being young only happens for so long. being youthfull, and crazy, and dodging responsibility only last for a short time. at some point you have to take on those things in life. thats .... thats maturity. thats respectability. thats the natural progression. thats where i want to head. i dont want to be the only person thats prepared for it, but gets passed by for it. i feel like ive done too much of that already. and most people would say, ive lived more lives than anyone else they know of at this point. i see that as the experiences i need to go forward. 1, 2, 3. no ones ready for that. no ones ready for me. its the sinking impression i get, living in the basement of my parents house at almost 25. with no job. no money to my name. no real place to go. and no one to call me back when i want it. no one else to notice that im serious about it all.

for the last time? 



quite possibly. the interview i have with the big name company on monday has a zero facial hair policy. not that i even want to work for them, just i cant afford to blow it off or anything. i have to go through with it, even if i decide id want to go for it later... or out of more desparation. regardless. "phil" my hiring guru, has twice barked at me that i need to shave. ugh. everything. ugh ugh. i cant even remember the last time i was totally clean shaven. i hated having sideburns to deal with. i hate trying to shave that spot under my nose on my upper lip. i have scars on it from cutting myself repeatedly. and quite frankly. i think i look like im 8. i dont like that. if i shave i look really, really young. 8. and im not kidding. and maybe if i dont look 8. just 15. i feel older. "phil" seems to think its bullshit. and its all in my head. he tried convincing me that i was a "youthful, good looking guy." it all sounded a bit like a gay come on. but. he knows more about this kind of game than i do. i went with him, because hes being doing professional placings for 30 years. i gotta trust him. hes odd. the first time i met him in person, he starts in telling me about his bouts of insomnia. appearantly he had fallen asleep in his car over the lunch hour, and my 2pm appointment came at the end of the first sleep hed had in almost a week. then there was the quirk of him only drinking soda from a cup. over the past week, i even offered him a can of diet pepsi, just to see if hed drink from the can. he refused. went and found a cup. and offered one to me too. strange man. however. after my friday interview, all i did was drop the company name on the phone, and he knew the hiring manager's first and last name, personality, hiring standards, leading questions, as well as how i did based on how she exited the room. according to "phil" i wont be getting a call back. i thought i did ok. maybe not exceptionally well. but ok. it was a first rounder. how bad could it have been? "phil" says they have 20 people vying for one spot. "youre out. you didnt do well, you didnt close. you just didnt have it. trust me kid, they have realtors there only because they are looking for hardcore sales and closing skills, and you dont have that right now. she knew it. so. big deal. we'll get you something else." and like that my day pretty well fucked out. i call him "phil" because im supposed to. hes a phillip. but he said "you can call me Phil now". like that means i will? im always leery of people telling me what to call them. "phil" too. i dunno. job searching bites. my mom said i should be quite proud of myself to have gotten in with 5 big places for face to face interviews in a weeks time. but really id just like a paycheck. that would make me proud at this point. no such luck. so going with "phil" on this one, ill shave. and a hair cut. he gave me that one too. my hair appearantly suggest something about me that says im "over easy, too relaxed, and unfocused" according to "phil" im starting to think he really wants to judge American Idol. regardless. shave and a hair cut.