you ever feel like you are in an episode of the twilight zone? just... everything seems to be happening in such a way, you scratch your head and go, does anyone else notice this? thursday i drove up to see sarah for lunch. as were sitting there, mind you, the first time ive seen her in the month of august, some man on a bike comes up. pulls out a camera and a ny times, and starts talking about taking pictures of people reading, so that he can make a mural out of it. he had a sample of it run in the paper. sarah pretty much looked at me, and i said, "ok..." then he goes, well id like to take a picture of you two; as i was walking past, i said to myself, this is the perfect image! she and i exchange nervous looks and laughter. but we were ok with it. so he hands us a diary, to pretend like we were reading it to each other, and he starts snapping away. at one point he mutters, "you too just look picturesque together" im bitting my lip. shes trying to look away. then he says, "hey, talk to him about whats up with harry potter!" she and i just lock eyes and start smiling, nervously.

see... to backfill some on this odd meeting. you have to undestand, about 2 weeks ago, sarah started telling me all about this book she was reading. i was shocked that she had time to read. so naturally our conversations always came back to the book. eventually she told me it was the 6th harry potter book. we talked about it. and, id never read any of them. so. i decided if she liked it that much, id read it. just to see. about a week and a half later, and 3 books finished, im catching up fast. but we joke about harry potter stuff, she asks me whats happening in the book to know where i am. just one of those things. i guess something we can half way enjoy together. [although, i cant convince her to pick up something I ENJOY.. cough hemmingway. cough faulkner. cough].

so. were sitting on the retaining wall by the hospital, being models. for me it was tough. not looking at her, or keeping eye contact. not even trying not to laugh. because i did. in my nervous, almost forced way. the only thing that came into my head was, who on earth pulls out a phrase like, "tell him whats up with harry potter" it was like someone knew. like someone was reading this in their book, and walked into the middle of it. i wasnt necessarily spooked. i was just. i dunno. anyways. he snaps about 6 pictures. smiles, thanks us immensely, then scurries off on his bike, and cuts behind a cambus. we immediately start talking about it and laughing, and in the exchange i lost the guy. how? its an empty parkway. 5 people on the sidewalk, one bus. no cars. and the guy was gone. sarah said she thought he must have ridden off. but he just dissappeared too fast for me. i dont get it.

so i mentioned the idea of omens and signs. about the lady in the restaurant [who at dinner earlier in the night i went back and confessed all to her, stopped us and asked her "is this your man?" --no "isnt he your boyfriend?" --uhm no! "well he ought to be, in 26 years of marriage, my husband has never looked at me that way or said a thing like that to me... this guy is a good one, you cant let him go, you just cant."]. about the kid in the bookstore [who starts asking me about harry potter books, and why someone like me is reading them. then about my friend, and if she was my girlfriend] about our ability to damn near hear each others thoughts [i stop her before she says anything, she finishes my sentence, we pick out the same dresses out of a dozen that we both like]. she didnt think it was anything. just a weird guy. but its going around in my head. im a detail person. i see things that are out of place. you know those Hocus-Focus things in the comics? the difference between two pictures? in a glance, i usually see those differences, that people spend 20 minutes on. and im just picking up on this. i dunno. maybe i am stupid. maybe im bored. maybe i have an over active imagination, and just am seeing things that arent there. but.

the mind just sits and cycles over things. like today, we were talking on aim, and she mentions how she went and got pizza last night... weve never had the pizza talk. so im not sure what she likes, what toppings she hates, or where she likes to go. so i throw out two specific places. not chains. specific mom-pop places in iowa city. the answer was. "wow. thats really funny you said that..." she ate at one, but wanted to go to the other, but it was too far to walk to in the rain. ... you know. sometimes it scares me. how alike you can be with someone else, and just not know it. then again, it scares me how you can be so much alike with someone else, and not do anything about it. to me. its got to mean something. something more than, you like pizza. because now its pizza, books, stories growing up, family 10 minutes from each others homes, same exact cds, and same dvd... its and its little things... they just keep piling up. and i look at it and go... why am i not with this person? go back to my last post... yesterday i found out two things... she desparately wants to be married, but doesnt think it will happen; and she wants children. it came out of nowhere in a conversation that turned to that. i didnt say anything. it just seemed to perfect to ruin it. i just said to her, that.. "if anybody is going to be married and happy forever, its going to be you. its me thats going to end up wondering what the hell happened to my life" because i just didnt know what else to say. im just scratching my head going; doesnt this all make sense? look at my horrorscopes... yes, im the first person to say exactly how broad, generic, and non descript these things are... but for the day i told her how i felt, and the day after....

day of:

You're not much for letting the world know your innermost secrets. But now? Well, let's just say that keeping things under wraps won't just be impossible, it'll be uncomfortable. So why bother? Speak your mind, proudly!

day after:

One way or the other, everything that has to do with that pressing relationship
issue yesterday is going to work out fine in the end. If it's not fine yet, don't worry. All that means is that it's not the end.

it makes me wonder. it makes me think that this has to be right. for once. or am i just looking past the reality? but it just sticks with me. thing after thing. time after time.