so i want to write a long and windy post about whats going on in my head... i want to take alot of time to sort out what i think and what i feel and see if they are two different pictures.

but i have the feeling they are.

for along time, ive only wanted one thing; a meaningful semi permanent reciprocal relationship. and its just something i cant find. i cant find anyone that wants me. i cant find anyone that wants that. i cant find anyone that even wants to screw around with the idea of that and me. i cant find much at all.

and i say im stupid, because i am. im probably... no. i am the fucking stupidest person in the world, without reservation. i want something so bad, that will never happen, i hope that any chance is my chance. and im so stupid i just never want to realize that my chance is never going to happen. being stupid, i run out and try. i fucking try my hardest. i try so hard to have someone see me and take me serious. i try to be the exemplification of how id want to be treated. i try so hard to get anyone to like me, that im too stupid to realize... they never will.

i care about a girl. i desparately would like to see something happen with her. but. im very stupid. im so stupid that i guess ive never stopped to look at it as it is. she doesnt want anything to do with me. she never has. and i was just so stupid, that i kept telling myself, maybe. i kept giving myself some line of horseshit about how it could be different. or something about how it could happen. i was too stupid to look at the truth;

: no one wants someone like me :

sending flowers doesnt change that. being attentive cant help it. trying your god damndest to make something work, for once, with one person you are attracted to, doesnt mean you get anywhere. its just means youre stupid. youre fucking dumb. youre a joke. people laugh at you. people think youre an idiot because you keep bashing your head into that wall... over and over and over again.

i feel worthless. because i am. i am. i have to be. who the hell else could be as stupid as i am. who else would try to be something for someone that they damn well know cant ever amount to anything for anyone. its stupid. its stupid to try. its stupid to laugh. its stupid to want. its stupid to care. its stupid to desire. its stupid to need. its stupid to hope. its stupid to want someone to love. its stupid to believe in it all.

she didnt have to tell me anything. maybe i just had everything i needed to understand it along time ago. maybe i wasnt smart enough to get it, because i was busy being stupid. and while i will never rescind any thing i said about her, nor will i ever deny that anything ive thought about her. its stupid of me to think anyone cares about what i think. its pointless. its rejection that doesnt even need a reaction. its assumed. if i wasnt so stupid, i should have seen it.

i should have seen alot of things if i wasnt as stupid as i was. maybe the first time a girl made fun of me. maybe the first time i never got picked to be in the make-believe dance at recess. maybe the age when i realize everyone had 5th grade girlfriends writing them notes, except me. maybe when i got to junior high, and all my friends were going to dances and i had to sit bymyself. maybe when i got to high school and girls ditched me at homecoming as a prank. maybe when i thought that one girl was interested that went on to throw food at me. maybe when i felt like finally the hot girl in school was being nice to me as part of a prank they pulled. maybe when i had to ask 5 girls to prom to have everyone of them tell me no. maybe when i got out of highschool and tried to have a relationship with a girl that slept around. or maybe when i thought i knew it all who cried and screamed when she found out i wanted to do things. or the girl that took my heart, walked out on me and told me i was fucking piece of trash. or the one that smiles at me years later, that seemed so much like me that i never noticed her until almost a year later. maybe she was the girl that inspired me to finish school finally, or to want to make me fall in love again. maybe i should have learned something before it all got to this point.

but im much too stupid to have realized any of it. im much too stupid to have never stopped and thought that someone like her actually would have wanted anything to do with me. it was a stupid thought. by a pathetic person that clutches at straws to save himself. it feels stupid that im sitting here thinking about why someone is so perfect in my mind, who is so interesting, so fun to be around, ... its stupid to sit and think i might have had a chance. appearantly everyone but me knew this all along. but i kept trying. i kept wanting. i kept telling my heart and whispering every thing that i saw to her. it was stupid person doing what every girl always says she wants. its not very stupid to see she just didnt want me.

after all these years now. its stupid to believe anything else but the truth. that i was too stupid to give up. and now it sits and kills me for being so stupid.