//// REVISITED ////

does this look familiar?:::::

EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]

Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-


A Simple Dedication


I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.

...

so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.


so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.

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stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.

but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.

like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.

im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.

so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.

reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.

but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.

i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.

i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.

ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.

im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.

so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.

so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.