Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Angie

angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..

ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.

i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.

ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.

some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.

ain't it fun~
s.